13:20 Apr 10 2020
Times Read: 1,420
Things are... Well, they just are. Life is difficult right now. I'm not the type of person who is content doing nothing all day, staying home like a hermit. I need to be out, I need to be productive. My mental heath depends on it. When I'm left in a situation like I currently am, I spiral down into depression. The longer it goes, the worse it gets. And right now I'm in a horrible headspace. It's seeping into everything, ruining my relationships. And I can't stop it. I can't get things under control. Francis and I... We're... I don't even know anymore. We haven't spoken for a few days and when we do speak, things are so unpleasant.
Do any of you adhear to the idea of the five love languages? You know, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. My two are quality time and physical touch. I need to be with my partner. I need to be able to touch them, to get that time together. That's how I show my love. Franz was words of affirmation and touch, John was acts of service, Francis is... I'm not exactly sure. I think he's like me, but he's so withdrawn from being on his own for so long after his divorce. If anything, it's acts of service as well, he likes to pay for things and buy me stuff. So, in a situation like this where I can't see him, I can't spend time with him, it's hard to deal with things. And, people who've dated me will tell you how combative I can be when I don't get attention. It's a very typical Leo trait, having to be the focal point. But, when it comes to my romantic partners, unless I decide I want to be left alone, I need that attention from my partner. Slain used to say I was like Tinkerbell, I need attention or I'll die. And, he really wasn't wrong. It's because that's how I express my love, it's how I show I care. But, when I'm left out in the cold, when my presence feels like it's a burden, it hurts. Because I don't know how else to express how I feel. When I feel like I'm being forced out, I become cold. In my mind it's like I have to fight for things, and you don't want to fight me. Because I can be so cold, so calculated. I can find just the right things to say to hurt you. I become confrontational. Everything will set me off. These are issues I've had to deal with, and I have gotten better at controlling those impulses, that need to lash out at my partner. However, a situation like this, where it feels like everything is broken and nothing will be okay, when I'm so paranoid about how I'm going to pay bills and if I even have a job to go back to when things finally get back to some semblance of normalcy again, I find I am less forgiving. In a time where it should be the total opposite, because everyone is struggling on some level, I'm far less understanding than I should be.
Things with Francis are difficult for me. I'm less likely to want to sit on the phone joking about stupid, pointless nonsense. I'm less likely to be optimistic about things. The depression takes hold and everything is awful. Nothing is ever going to get better. I know I'm being stupid, but I can't help those thoughts. He also deals with things differently. He runs on autopilot, just gets through the day doing what he needs to do, not giving it any real thought, and then goes to bed, just to do it all over again. He has his podcasts and his streaming show every Wednesday, but outside of those things, he just does what he has to do without putting a lot of thought into any of it. He's okay being alone, because it's what he's used to. Me, I have never been comfortable on my own. Because my thoughts when I'm alone are not pleasant to deal with. I have always been they type of person who needs to be in a relationship. I need to have someone there. I've done long stints where I have been single, and those were some of my darkest moments. It's just how I have always been. So, while he's okay with not talking to me for days, when he doesn't make the effort to contact me, I'm not okay with it. I told him as much, and he gets it, but he hasn't changed things. I don't know if it's just that he can't or he simply doesn't care enough to try. To me, it just feels like he doesn't care enough. I know that's most likely not the case, but I can't help but latch on to that conclusion.
I don't know. Everything's a mess right now. I can't find enough ways to keep myself busy, so more and more often I find myself sinking farther and farther into that darkness, letting it envelope me. Letting it twist my thoughts. I can't get a hold of anything, and that is terrifying.
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