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6 entries this month
21:55 Sep 13 2024
Times Read: 61
I am so restless today. But then again I feel like I'm in a fog.
My dreams are so odd. Just weird and bounce back and forth from being in them to being a watcher. It makes me feel like I didn't sleep, though I know I did.
02:45 Sep 13 2024
Times Read: 128
I put this as a response in Vodka Lovie's journal. I just wanted to keep it in mine just to have.
I believe change is possible for anyone if they want to put the work into doing so. Along with change comes a newness. A newness of thought, self belief, different ideals, etc. Some people do not find comfort in that. Whether it be those that surround them, or themselves. With venturing into change, or a 'newness', it can be the start of letting go. Letting go of old habits, old thoughts, old feelings and even old friendships. They would rather stay in that comfortable place and keep repeating the pattern.
It's like if you were to keep a rose bush covered by a glass dome. It would stifle itself. It wouldn't be allow to grow, the dead petals wouldn't be able to either be plucked from the vine or nurture the soil. They would just hang heavy in their death, injuring what could be new and beautiful. It would become toxic to itself- slowly losing the fullness of life.
Removing that dome, that's change. To watch the bush bloom and grow. To watch each petal raise up to the sky and drink in the newness of the day. To smell their scent on the breeze. To watch them become stronger, more resilient, creating so much. They will grow with other plants that surround them. They will all change each other and the plants that cannot handle that change will wither and fade.
A person has to WANT to change. To remove that glass dome and let themselves flourish. Too many times I have seen someone disappear, or at times even emerge from some form of hibernation, and then come back claiming that they have changed. Only to find out that they didn't. They will keep on being who they were before in private and then use the 'new' face in public to rewrite them into a more favorable light. In the end, the realness of the change always let's itself be known. They have a choice in changing. We have a choice in embracing the journey and not letting those who choose to turn away from change, turn into our own personal albatross. .
Some of us want to encourage those we admire and cherish to be fruitful in their change; if that's the decision they've decided to make. Often times we will change along with them. Even if that change includes drifting apart, we still support them and watch them grow. Because that's the beauty of change. We grow. We Evolve. We Live. We Rise.
22:58 Sep 12 2024
Times Read: 165
Ohhhh, if you only knew...
Well, to an extent I'm sure. Especially now. Probably not the before, but now, yeah I can see it.
Subtlety has never really been a thing. Now it's basically out the window. This.. this version.. this evolving.. *chef's kiss*.
I'd be number one on the waiting list. -nod-
02:35 Sep 11 2024
Times Read: 232
When a form of clarity comes out of the blue, it tends to throw me into a certain headspace. I retreat within myself for a few days. I then brood until I can no longer handle it. Then I pass it to the wifey and go "what do you think?" and she's 99.9 percent right most of the time. I can't give her that one percent. I need to keep her non existent ego in check. hah
I need to expand my horizons and be more...open... to the possibility of connections. I need to stop limiting myself to a certain distance and expand out further. I have did that a few times here. Both rather turned out to be... harrowing and less than joyful, but I need to stop letting those define the possibilities. Thinking I need to stick to a certain distance has done nothing in the long run. I need substance. I need something deeper. I need a person who can stimulate my mind. Honestly, I don't feel that I am going to find that if I keep within the parameters that I have been keeping. Let me rephrase that.. I *have* found someone that fills that spot, but polygamy is illegal. And for some reason I cannot fathom, she is staying within the molten hot lands of the South. Not Hell, but close enough. heh. Anyways, I digress.
I am going to open myself up to the possibility of distance- not slap it right down. I can't let a few bad situations color what could possibly be a wonderful adventure for me. Plus, I'm not that naive girl I once was. I feel like I have grown more into knowing myself and what I will and will not tolerate. I will take notice of the red flags and not disregard them like I did.
Live and learn.
I've got the wifey locked down. Now let's see if I can strap down.. er.. I mean.... come across someone to fill the other side of the coin. lol
21:50 Sep 10 2024
Times Read: 266
44 and I'm still learning new things about myself each day. I never thought that would be the case.
Hold on. Hold on tight.
19:57 Sep 09 2024
Times Read: 335
I mask. I have always masked. That's not to say what is seen most of the time in a public view isn't me, but it is only a fraction of me. It is the surface of me. The me that I allow the world to see. The full me is tucked away. Behind a door that sometimes even I forget is there. In my mind it's reminiscent of The Secret Garden. The walls are filled with ivy, hiding the entrance; a wild beauty that cannot be penetrated by the naked eye. To look at the walls makes one wonder what is beyond the depths. What magic is contained within the walls that cannot be release, but instead must be protected at all cost.
Very rarely does a key make it into the hands of another. The hands that do hold a key have did so for so very, very long. When the lock is opened by that key, it is welcomed with a sigh of comfort and release. Knowing that the holder of that key cherishes it with the fiber of their being. They know the trails of the garden, the flowers and the walk ways. They revel in the garden within the depths of me. We embrace so much together in that sacred space.
I forgotten what it was like when a key drops into the hands of someone new. When without realizing the door has cracked and allowed some of the magic within that garden to seep out and be viewed without the protective walls.
To let someone that has never been within the walls before see what is held inside. To let a new presence roam within the many hidden spaces and trails. To let them gently dance their finger tips along the vulnerable flowers and share the same breath. To have the flora and the fauna laid bared.
To be layed bared. To feel as though you have shed your skin and allowed another to see. To feel as though this is the first real breath you have taken in so, so long.
You've forgotten what that feels like. You've kept it closed for so long out of fear, protectiveness for the garden and uncertainty.
You've forgotten how exhilarating and freeing it is. How magical the moment of connection can be. How it can transcend beyond so much.
I remember now. I remember what I had forgotten. It seems as though not only was the key able to let another travel into the deepness for their own journey, but also to allow another path to grow and flourish. A path that I have forgotten. A path that is daunting, exciting and new.
I breath.
I feel free.
All because of a shared moment.
Cherished moment.
Treasured moment.
A moment that was not expected, but allowed to blossom with trust, caring, vulnerability and a shedding of masks.
I remember. My heart remembers.
My new journey is unfolding.
Keep the key. Hold onto it. The garden will always welcome you. Because you've helped grow.
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COMMENTS
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Vodka
22:45 Sep 13 2024
I have had a few of those night...they suck!!