Man! As if dying wasn't enough...
They loot the corpse too?!? O_O
Brutal!
Story Time!!!
Gather 'round children. Here's a bucket full of sharp pointy things for you to play with while you sit on the comfy mat. Grammar and punctuation will be graded harshly and please children,
do show your work.
Now then... Where was I, oh yes! Today's story is... Now Megan, stop jabbing Peter with the handle. That's not nice, or proper! Turn it around sweetie, there you go! That's the correct jabby end. Don't worry about the blood dear. It will keep Peter warm while he naps.
Now, if there is no further interruptions let's beg...
Yes Rupert, you
may go to the restroom. Whether you
can or not once you arrive is between you and your naughty bits. OH! Rupert. Don't forget to take the randomly exploding Hall-Pass. There you go, now you're set. Off you go to piddle on a pink puck.
Anyone else need to go before we start?
"KABOOM!!!"
Too late children. I'm afraid that was the last Hall-Pass. Oh well, on we go.
Today's story is called,
"A Day in the Life of an Alien Zombie Vampire Pirate Ninja." written by Michael Bolton, illustrated by "Some loon we found living behind a Wendy's." He claimed his name was 'Petroleum-based Nipple Strips brought to you by Carl's Jr.' but, we don't believe him. Mainly, because he was living in a box behind a Wendy's. Therefor he gets credit as; "Some loon we found living behind a Wendy's."
Chapter 1... The only chapter really. Why did we even bother to number it? Probably because just "Chapter" sounds stupid. This is indeed a rather short book. Kids you know. Low attention spans and all. Funny that the chapter title may be longer than the actual story. Seems wasteful. Oh well, we're not exactly talking about proper literature here. It's just Scholastic commercial crap. Kids, if your parents don't buy you our wonderful books then we are very sorry. Your parents simply don't love you enough. In fact, they may even hate you. This is great stuff. The only reason to not provide our glorious books to your own child can only be because you despise the little bastard and wish they were never born. Never fear children. If you are one of such, we can liberate you from your nasty parents. We have the lawyers and resources at your disposal at any time. After breaking from your bum parents we will whisk you away to decidedly interesting Malaysia where we will provide you a common shack and cases of knock-off cigarettes to share with your new friends. We even have positions open to you at our production facilities with many neat toys! Such as dirt, sticks, M-16 machine guns and thumb tacks. Ask your teacher to contact us on your behalf if you're interested.
*Note to Teachers (DO NOT READ THIS SEGMENT ALOUD): Take this opportunity to distribute the mail order hand outs amongst the brats... err, we mean class. Also, if you could, plug the "A Day in the Life of an Alien Zombie Vampire Pirate Ninja" movie and show the clip provided on the class projector. Much thanks and your check is in the mail!!!
Chapter!
(You know, that isn't so bad after all.)
Before we begin, please pick a song to play while you visit. Autoplay is disabled in the case of you poor 56k'ers, bandwidth scrooges or simply because you don't want to listen to the crap I've selected. Just click "Launch Standalone Player" and the music app will load in a new window or tab if you're savvy. ;) Then you can take it with you when you leave! Enjoy either way!
Introduction
Greetings all! I am slowly working on my profile with the help of my beautiful wife, EnchantristMolly and my lovely sister-in-law Cadamia. Both are lovely ladies, in and out and life would certainly be lesser without them.
Affiliation
Graphic will be posted soon.
Castlevania and Ayami Kojima
The profile pictures of Icarus are from the works of a most talented artist by the name of Ayami Kojima. She is best known in the US as the lead artist and character designer for the "Castlevania" series of video games by Konami. Perhaps we'll include her other works in a portfolio. Don't dabble in the visual arts much and it would be nice to give the space to something that interests me and is more deserving.
About Me
I loathe describing myself, really, who doesn't? THE PRESSURE! OMG! *head implodes*
It's just that I'm not fond of the notion of selling, or even rationalizing, my existence as if it were a product, boxed up and all purdy-like sitting on a store shelf. Waiting for some random asshat with more money than taste to pick me up on impulse and engage in the ritual of capitalism with my soul being the sacrament! ACK! The dirt! It won't come OFF! NOOOO! I will attempt to whore myself a little bit here in the spirit of fair-play and also for the fact that an empty profile that says little to nothing is rather useless or at the least, dull. Is it not?
First of all, I am Edward. We'll come back to Edward later, him being of lesser import than Icarus here at The Rave. I'll explain.
"We are Many. We are One." -Legion
OR
NO! Not another MPD nutjob!
Edward has recently been nurturing a long present alter-ego by the name of Icarus Moonsight. Icarus is some of the things that Edward is not or can not be. Yet also Icarus is nearly everything that Edward is. Though, he would never admit to it. Sort of like Edward 2.0, if you follow. In the simplest of terms Edward = WhatYaSeeIsWhatYaGet [read: simple or uncomplicated] while Icarus = WhatYaSeeIsWhatIcarusWantsYaToGet [read: bastard]. Edward would have never joined The Rave, but Icarus... he jumped at the opportunity and by doing so he is seeking to make his mark on the world. Albeit digital mark and world, but he is fine with that. You see, it isn't possible for Icarus to exist in the world of flesh, bone and blood. Even if he tried, and he has on occasion. Each attempt bore a grander failure than the last. After time and trial Icarus conceded his real world aspirations and has turned his eye to the dark and mutable digital habitat in which he hopes to not only exist, but thrive. Dare he dream? For the real world was a hostile enviroment for Icarus. He had no birth record, Social Security card or any of the other trappings that make a person "real" in the modern world. That and real world society and it's sensibilties would not allow and could not accept one such as Icarus, for he is... different. The Rave will now be the dwelling of Icarus. Welcome home my long displaced f(r)iend. You now have a place to spread your wings and grow into whom I always knew you were.
About Us
Now that Icarus has found his home and has pretty much settled on the decision to stay we can explore our unique relationship. For your benefit, of course. We already know us after all.
You always get a little Icarus with Edward just as you get a little Edward with Icarus. Kind of like the old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup ads.
"Hey, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!"
"No, you got chocolate in my peanut butter!"
We are such. This comes from a long history of sharing the same real estate, as it were. But, who fragmented from who? Surely, there must have been an original persona or first? Honestly, we each have our own theories but, neither of us knows for certain if they hold to scrutiny. You don't dig too deep in your own psyche... we don't need anyone else living in here and it would be folly to unearth a third! Dichotomy? Ying and Yang? Perhaps. We have agreed that our symbiotic relationship is MUCH preferred to the alternative. Who willingly takes up an arms race with someone you share mind and body with? Not us! It would be like having The West Bank in your head. We opted not to go that route. See? We are sane after all. We have our bouts at times and we've had it out with each other more than once. The one that losses in the end is the one that feels like fighting the least. Which is usually the laid back Edward. Sometimes he's content to just go with it and see where Icarus takes things. Not that he can't pull hard on the reins if shit gets too weird on him. We have a built in check and balance like that. It's kept us out of prison and the funny farm so far (IT WORKS! BWAHAHAHA!) so the system isn't broken... yet. It is far from failsafe, though, we assure you.
Eclipses Past
Before our treaty was reached and the system was implemented our Merry-Go-Round had nearly broken down, beyond repair, a few times. This was, usually, during periods of time when one aspect would completely occult the other. A hostile takeover... in the truest sense. Thankfully, these eclipses were rare as they have lead to bad ends with few means of return. We both admit that we were guilty. Being young we were very selfish, as children often are by nature. Each thought them self the true-one-self and the other was the figment, or sometimes even the enemy. The one in the way. The persona: Icarus, didn't have his name back then. His name came at a later date and was self chosen. We were both Edward, one good, the other bad, or so we thought. Ironic that each was the good Edward by their own reckoning. Oh, the drama! From as far back as we can remember the now-Edward was in charge, mostly. The Edward that the world knew then was a good student than earned high marks, followed the rules and was rather shy. Even for a child. This did not sit well with He that lingered in the background. He did remain content however, because it was HIM that scored the home run in kickball at recess. It was HE who took on three thuggish 3rd graders and gave worse than he got. It was ME that sang his heart out in music class. Yes, it had started. The seed of discontent was sown. Background was slowly becoming the fore. The breakthrough finally came, sometime around the 6th grade. Edward's grades began to slip then soon after bottomed out completely. Though he still learned. He simply did not feel the need to prove it on paper with a grade. The useful part was completed and retained, anything else was merely a gold star from the teacher and Edward no longer sought that sort of recognition. He did seek, voraciously, for new things. Different, sometimes strange, often scary or dangerous things. The other Edward would not approve, and he didn't. Unfortunately, by this time He was bound and gagged in the background. Powerless, inert and dumb. Poor boy. He should have been more careful.
Continued in "Our Journal" section here.
Now... there is, but one.
By now, you may be thinking, "What the hell happens in the Alien Zombie Vampire Pirate Ninja story?"
This is understandable. I suggest you live on with not knowing. Some things are meant to be mysterious.
Why that look? You don't care much for that huh? Well, I could tell you. But, it's a secret. *looks around carefully and anxiously... dramatic pause*
Do you solemnly swear upon penalty of your eyelids falling off that you can keep it secret?! Yes, you agree? It's hard to sleep with no eyelids you know. Are you sure? You don't sleep anyway huh? Well alright then. As you wish...
Steve is an Alien. He is also a Zombie because that is what his race of beings naturally are. He came to Earth as an Alien Zombie but, life would soon not be so simple for Steve. He wasn't technically and Alien until he got here. Understand? Good. Now pay attention! Remember, you asked for this.
He came to this little planet on a Jelly Donut filled with... well, Jelly naturally. Zomberry Jelly to be exact. No, they don't have strawberries or grapes where Steve came from. Only Zomberries. Hey! Who's telling this damn story?! ME! Shut up and listen.
His plan was to subsist off the Zomberry jelly until he could find some brains to eat, butts to probe and cattle to mutilate. Little did poor Steve know that the consumption of Zomberries in combination with our yellow star turned zombies into hybrid zombie/vampires.
So Steve is stranded in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Now an Alien Zombie Vampire. He soon learns that the same damn star that cursed him to his fate also burns him. So during the day, he rested in the hollow of the Donut spaceship. Slumbering away the days. One night, he found he no longer had the strength to crawl out into the night so he slept in the Donut for roughly 27,000 years. When his Donut came to rest on the shores of what we nowadays call, China. When was this? How the hell should I know? My name isn't Steve! The best I can say is that it was during the time of the true Ninja! Ninjas origins actually being Chinese rather than Japanese as most believe it to be. How do I know he was stranded for 27,000 years? Creative license smart ass! That's how. Besides, I did say, "roughly". What? Why wasn't Steve innately terrified of the water all around him? Did I say he wasn't? He probably pissed himself all the time. I thought it was implied. Continuing...
He was found and revived by the Shu Zun Thai'd Grandmaster of lower Milwaukee... err the Milwaukee in China. They had a reputation of being the most furiously busy ninja clan of them all. They didn't even have time to tie their laces, hence, the name. Grandmaster was very pleased with his find, for he could not kill him. He was known for killing his servants in frustration. He usually strangled them with his dangling shoe laces. Grandmaster was BAD. ASS. So Steve eventually became the head servant and punching bag of the Grandmaster.
Eventually, over the course of years, Grandmaster fell ill. On his death bed he passed unto Steve all the knowledge and lore scrolls of the Shu Zun Thai'd for being not only an excellent servant but also because he could not die.
"Untie your laces my old friend. For now you are the Grandmaster of the Shu Zun Thai'd...." Just then, he died.
"Now thats just fucking swell!" said Steve
"Now I'm a Ninja too?! SHITBALLS! What do I say when I meet someone new? Say, 'Hi there, I'm Steve the Alien Zombie Vampire Ninja! Pleased to make your acquaintance.'!? Crap, now I'll never have any friends now that Grandmaster is gone. People won't hang around long enough for me to even properly introduce myself. I know now what I must do..."
In a rush of bitterness and disgust Steve goes down to the Milwaukee docks and steals a Junk that was moored on the pier (Junk is a Chinese boat ya know). Setting sail for the solitude from whence all this bullshit originated from.
But in his rashness Steve forgot who he was. He was an Alien and needed to probe butts and mutilate livestock. He was a Zombie that needed to eat brains. (Or, Zomberries, of which he is plum out of.) He was a Vampire and needed to drink the blood of the living. He was also a Ninja and needed to kill people in uber cool stealthy ways... jump from tree to tree, throw shirukens and cross dress (seriously, look up Ninjas on google, they were cross dressers). Little did poor Steve know that he has made his predicament worse. For now that he has stolen a ship, he is now also, a Pirate.
The End
There. I hope you're happy now. Look what you made me do!
YOU may think us mad...
But, WE know it!
Spoiler Alert: In general, anyone that promises free moist, delicious cake as a reward should not be trusted. Cake is never free, people. Who in their right mind would ever give cake away instead of hording it for themselves? No sane person; that is the answer to that question. If you are thoroughly confused by this, as many of you will surely be, Google is your friend.
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Your clan is a dysfunctional one. That is because you are a Malkavian. Something is poisonous about this clan's blood that drives all those embraced to madness. However, in this madness, you tend to have great insight. Unfortunately, people just take it as senseless ramblings. In every family there is an insane one. You're it.
What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?
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The Malkavians
At first glance, the members of Clan Malkavian do not appear to be a clan at all; they are chosen from all races, creeds and social strata. But Malkavians, regardless of mortal standing, bear one disturbing commonality: They are all quite mad. Whether from the clan's choice of victims, the circumstances of the Embrace, or some property in Malkavian blood itself, all Malkavians go insane shortly after the transformation (if they were not insane to begin with). Accordingly, many Malkavians find themselves pariahs, ostracized by a vampiric society fearful of their random urges and capricious whims. Wiser Kindred, however, prefer to keep the madmen close at hand: Behind the Malkavians' lunatic cackling and feverish rantings lie smatterings of insight, even wisdom.
Edward rolls his eyes at Icarus. Icarus replies, "DUH! You actually expected a different result? WTF? You were hoping for Ventrue weren't you Mr. Snobby McSnooty-kins. Guess what? Pwned bitch! HAHAHA!"
More quizzes, surveys and other rather useless tidbits of me available for your perusal here.
Eddie Izzard: The man, the comic...
The Executive Transvestite
Squirrel Joke
Religion Joke
Space-Race Joke
We adore Eddie Izzard so. If you haven't seen his stand-up we suggest you remedy that ASAP. Until then, we'll be on the moon... with Steve! Err, I was dead at the time.
Action Transvestite!
Running, jumping, climbing trees...
and fixing your make-up while you're up there.
Tells jokes and granting wishes... on a PT basis. Clever lad!
The Toreador dropped the ball on this one...
He should have been embraced, Dec 7th 1980.
I am the Egg Man...
I am the Egg Man...
I am the Walrus...
Goo goo ga joob!
-John Lennon
Coming Soon!
More Music stuff, both my favorite listens and my own creations in my journal, here or @garageband.com
here.
Enjoy!
↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A B A Start
Richter Belmont, Alucard,
Simon Belmont and Leon Belmont
Symphony of the Night
Character Montage
The Devil Summoner
Hector
Juste Belmont
8-bit Glory
Soma Cruz
Future Badass
The First Belmont
Vampire Hunter
Soma Cruz Possessed By the Soul of Dracula, Lord of Darkness
Death - Dracula's Right Hand
and Co-Conspirator
