Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
59 entries this month
02:07 Dec 30 2009
Times Read: 946
I've been thinking too much again. I know I have been. I'm scared of what tomorrow is going to bring. But whatever it does, I'm sure Brett and I can figure something out to get through. Yet, why is it so hard for me to step outside? Today was beautiful with the sun out shining on the snow from last night. It was cold but it was beautiful. I stared at it for the longest time through the sliding glass door. I watched the cars and trucks go by. I have watched the three trains go by today. And I studied the birds as they perched themselves high in the trees. Yet, I couldn't go out...
I hate feeling the way I do. I'm looking forward to getting that book you mentioned, Idio. I can't get it until middle of January.
Once the snow melts, I'm going to try going to the graveyard in town or walking at night so I don't see anyone else. I'm not sure but I know I need to get the courage to walk out of this apartment. I went from one kind of prison to another. That's honestly what I did!
I have to do something. Even if I fail, I have to try. I feel like I'm losing myself completely with every day or week that goes by.
22:10 Dec 28 2009
Times Read: 960
I'm glad to say Pooh Bear went on his own terms. I knew he wanted to give up and stop fighting.
They went out with the rifle, only to find he had already passed on.
And the shots in the vet's office are not as loving and calm as people believe they are. It shuts down the systems of the body one by one. The dog or cat does feel pain through it.
I would rather have sent my doggy to the gas chamber a couple of hours away instead of the shot. At least he would have just smothered then.
My stepdad and my uncle buried him in the back yard of my old house for me.
I gave my stepdad a big hug and thanked him.
My puppy was ready and I knew he was.
I'm happy I got to say my goodbyes, tell him how great of a friend he has been to me, how much I love him, and that it was okay for him to go.
I'm glad he did go of his own accord.
01:23 Dec 27 2009
Times Read: 978
I've made a decision today. My dog will be killed tomorrow.
Pooh Bear is his name. I've had him for well over thirteen years. He has always been my puppy.
I saved up the money to get him as a 11 or 12 year old. I did all the chores I could. I wanted a dog before I got my heelcord surgery done.
He weighs over 250 pounds. He's a cream color doggy. He's always had spunk and get-up-and-go.
But when I went to talk to my mom today. She told me the news. It seems my puppy has suffered a stroke. She thought it best to have him put down tomorrow.
We went out to my old house. The chain was unmoved in the ice and snow. I went around to the front of his dogbox. I wasn't prepared for what I saw.
There was my puppy. He has no energy left. It hurts him to lift his head. He can't or won't eat. He hadn't recognized my mom or stepfather. But he recognized the sound of my voice.
He just wants to give up. He wants to go.
He's tired.
My poor puppy is tired.
There are no vet offices open today. It is in question whether they will be open tomorrow. We're going to call.
If no one answers, then what I've asked will be done.
My mother can't be there. I'm not allowed. My stepfather who has seen my puppy over the years and has horded him deer legs from his hunts... will shoot him.
I know what this entails. I've had to kill my kitten before. There was no hope. No one to drive me. I could not get a hold of anyone. My kitten suffered no more because I did the better and took action.
The feeling made me sick. I puked as soon as it was done. My daddy was proud of me. I took charge. My kitten didn't suffer.
I owe the same dignity to my puppy. He's old and white around the mouth. He's unable to move from his box.
Tomorrow, tomorrow he will be shot. He will be no longer in his suffering. You may think I'm cruel or unjust... but it's better to me and him for it to happen this way.
He doesn't want to be moved. If lifting his own head hurts him, what would everyone working together to lift him up do? He doesn't like car rides. What would a trip to the vet do? He's never been anywhere with new people before. It was all he could do to get one pathetic growl out towards Brett. What new fear would a stranger cause my poor puppy?
The horrors of the shots we know. We've had animals put to sleep before. The shots work by shutting down one system after the other causing pain in it's path.
No, I will make the decision. He is my puppy after all.
Tomorrow his death will come without him having to move. It will come quietly to him. He won't have to leave the safety of his box if he can't.
Say what you will about me. Yell at me below. Tell me I'm cruel and barbaric. I don't care.
It's better for him this way. Better for my puppy.
02:41 Dec 26 2009
Times Read: 990
Got on the computer to check my e-mail only to find someone has been trying to hack into our bank account and some other accounts.
Nice, huh?
Just wait, the bank has records.
Our whole bank account is locked. There isn't any use in trying anymore...
As always, Brett and I have our own suspicions.
22:27 Dec 25 2009
Times Read: 997
On the PSP. It was't so bad today. Aurora is staying with my mom tonight. I'm tired, Brett's sleeping, and Aurora's playing. I'm about to read.
01:43 Dec 25 2009
Times Read: 1,005
Merry fuckin' Christmas! My sister has already been a bitch to me! Aurora has the shits. I've been barfing. I keep on falling. I've had two anxiety attacks today. I've taken about six pills to help with them.
I just want to curl under the bed and be done with it all!
One day... one damn day...
Brett and I have decided we're not doing Christmas on Christmas. We're celebrating this weekend. We're not going to associate my sister's bitchiness and anxiety with the holidays. Aurora is young enough for us to get away with it. I'm so not telling my mother though!
I'm scared to even see how we get everything my mom, let alone my sister and nephew got Aurora.
*hides* I can't wait for tomorrow to come and go.
Things are settling down. My mom had me go over to get $20 to find a store open for me to get medicine for Aurora. She's had one full diaper since so that's doing better. I need to scrub her carpet yet AGAIN. It will make the third time today but it's too late and the neighbor is home.
Brett and I are trying to relax. We're reading together. He's getting ready to play the Wii after I get off of it.
I'm reading Wicked. I'm hoping to finish it this time. I'm also thinking about making a list of books for Brett or my mom to look for when they hit up the library again or something. Maybe I'll order one or two offline.
I think the next book I'm going to read is A Lesson Before Dying. I'm hoping to find my one book on audio cd from Mitch Albom. I really enjoying reading his books. I like listening to his voice on this one too. It's soothing in some way or another to me.
I'm terrified of what's to come. I got really paranoid on my way back from my mom's house. God bless her but it wasn't the best idea for me to have to go out! But then again, it's for Aurora. Everyone seems to throw that card at me a lot it seems.
What are you going to do when she has to go to school? Are you going to stay like this even when she needs you to go meet her teacher?
I don't know!
I'm trying. Isn't that better then everyone else in this rundown valley?!
I'm getting off of here before I run off at the mouth even more.
I admit I'm not in a good mood or even a decent one. I feel like I just am. I'm just here. I guess it would be best if I was a medicated robot, huh? At least my friends and family would see or hear from me at times. I think in a lot of ways they would prefer it. I think sometimes Brett would too... but then again, there isn't anyone like me. I'm just alone in that aspect. I guess I always will be.
Later. And blessed be.
23:37 Dec 23 2009
Times Read: 1,027
Since I can't get in touch with the neurologist until after the holidays, my mom is making me keep a notebook/journal containing details of my falls, how my legs and back are felling on a daily basis, and how cold they feel or when I lose the feeling in my feet.
I fell twice today. Once this morning when getting out of bed to take care of Aurora and again when going up the stairs to take a box of bathroom things up. The box weighed a maximum of 15 pounds.
I feel like the neighbors think I'm just crazy. When I try to go outside and see someone coming, I run back inside while in a panic. I look out the blinds countless times a day. I make sure the screen door is shut and then shut our main door and lock it quickly.
At least I'm not getting diagnosed with OCD because my psychiatrist thinks it is more of a symptom of my generalized anxiety disorder.
The guy who does the maintenance lives catty-corner to us with his wife. They have a small dog named Angel. There are days I'm courageous enough to say hi to them but then days I run to my car or in the apartment as soon as I see them.
I was joking with Brett today that I'm going to make a sign for the door. It's going to read:
"If you knock and no one answers, the girl who lives here is hiding under the bed. Leave a message, sign your name, leave a number, and we may get back to you if we care to."
I've hidden under the bed once since living here when someone knocked. I'm trying to take Courtney's advice of laughing at myself to deal with the anxiety. If anyone, she should know.
My best friend who died from cancer told me the same thing too. He told me the day of my Grandma's funeral that it was the only way he made it through chemo an radiation.
I'm trying to laugh. I'm trying to make it into one big joke so I can smile as I go outside...
But I guess it isn't for everyone?
I just want to wake up and be normal.
Hell, I want to go play in the snow!
18:25 Dec 23 2009
Times Read: 1,031
Sweet!
We just got a FREE upgrade on our DSL because of AT&T dicking us around so freakin' much! Woot!
And a $20 certificate for the inconvenience.
God, we've been calling them left and right for needed purposes. Brett's tired of talking to them, arguing with them, and being put on hold by them.
03:19 Dec 22 2009
Times Read: 1,041
I've discovered I can play hangman on the Wii but the downfall is it signs me out for some reason. *pouts* I tried. I got like ten wins before I went to check my messages and found it log me out. I've tried it a couple of times now. It logs me out each time.
After Christmas, I'm forcing Brett and me to sit down to go through our clothes. We're getting rid of a TON of them! I didn't even realize we had so many! God! It's insane! At least we're going to take them to the consignment shop so we have credit to get Aurora clothes and whatnot... and what they don't take for whatever reason, it's going to Goodwill. I've always liked Goodwill in comparsion to Salvation Army. At least in what they charge people on things in their stores.
The neurologist is out this week. I keep getting his answering machine. I guess I should have went over my doctor's head before now, huh?
I still have to find the time to wrap Aurora's things. I hate only being able to afford so little but with the situation we're in, we're pretty dang lucky. I know that.
For my nephew since we don't have much money, we're giving him one of our Wii games and I got him an X-men hoodie. My step-dad is getting a handpainted coffee cup and junk food. God, the food that man eats! And he's skinny as hell too! I got my sister a couple of things. And I'm hoping to find a little bit of time to make my mommy something. It's the least I can do for her since she's the one always giving us advice and everything else.
I'm more grateful this year then I have been in a long time. Yes, I didn't get to do all the things I wanted to with Aurora for Christmas, I had H1N1 and Brett has it now, we're struggling with a lot of things, and the passing of my Grandma and one of my best friends have hit us hard.
But we've got so much! We didn't lose our lives to the virus. Aurora hasn't gotten it off of us. My friend and grandma didn't suffer and they passed on their own time at home. We've got shelter, food, and a couple of "unneeded" things (internet, game systems, etc). Plus, I think the biggest thing I have to be grateful for is my relationship with Brett being so strong now that all the drama is out of the way. We're a family and that's the best Christmas present I could have asked for!
15:40 Dec 21 2009
Times Read: 1,051
I didn't get "all" of my homework done last night. My back was hurting too much by the end of the night to continue with it. The good news is I got the stuff that can be handed in late done. Like the discussion forums and things...
So what didn't I get done yet? Two papers. The one is 300 words or less but I need to do the research. The other is two pages and I can get it done today with little hassle.
Aurora has been cranky all day. She's still not feeling good but she isn't showing any symptoms of the flu or H1N1. Thank god!
Brett got a good night of sleep last night... thanks to me.
:-)
Yes, I'm kind of smug about that one. He's been complaining about sleep for a couple of weeks now. We went to bed right after Aurora... which was about 10:30 pm. She wouldn't go to sleep sooner. And we were both up at 6:30 this morning. Granted we did go back to bed because Aurora wouldn't get back up and I feel so exhuasted from my back and legs hurting me.
Oh and I'm calling the neurologist at one o'clock since he's out to lunch.
I found out there's a sex addicts group near me and I'm wondering about calling the number or not. I'm scared to. It's the 12 step program so it's not like it isn't something I can find online or whatnot. I don't want to be going somewhere near here since it does have to do with my past and also people there may know me... or worse yet... know my family!
I just want to blend in with the walls anymore it seems.
23:03 Dec 20 2009
Times Read: 1,053
I finally got my composite done. It's a sad attempt considering I had to restart the program over six times. AT&T sucks big time on the internet service. It's all we can afford right now though.
It's not as bad as some of the other people's in my class.
:-)
Brett went downstairs to check on something and I have no clue where that boy disappeared to! LOL!
I'm going to call the neurologist in the morning as soon as I get up. I'm not sure his office is open at all this week but I'm sure it won't hurt me to leave a message.
I'm trying to complete my last discussion forum now. It's on federalism and the pros and cons of it. Not too bad until we have to cite all of our sources, add examples, and back those up too. Still not as bad as it could be!
I'm kind of worried about things that I have absolutely no control over. I have no clue why I'm doing it either. I know it isn't logical for me to waste the time or energy but it's not in my best interest to stop it now. I mean, would I rather worry about simple things or what's possibly going on with my body and things that are major?
I'm getting back to my homework now.
17:14 Dec 20 2009
Times Read: 1,059
I have to compile a composite with only seeing the suspect for a maximum of three seconds.
This is interesting!
I'm going to post my finished product! Hehe!
15:43 Dec 20 2009
Times Read: 1,061
Gut rot sucks. It's from my nerves.
My tummy hurts. My stomach hurts.
Remember my stomach is higher then usual. Mine is under my diaphragm (sp?).
We decided to decorate the tree tomorrow when Aurora is feeling better. She's down when I little bit of a fever today.
I'm just spending time on my homework and rating things on here. I'm listening to music too. I have a thing for Lady Gaga today.
♥
I'm tired of burping and farting! Ugh! I hate the feel of acid coming up my throat!
Wii
05:04 Dec 20 2009
Times Read: 1,069
I'm on the Wii in our bedroom and surfing VR. I must say I like it for this use. Brett can be on the laptop and I can do what I need to on here. LOL! It's the best of both worlds I guess. It just takes some getting used to since there's no mouse yet. I do have my keyboard hooked up to it though. One thing that irritates me about it is the fact I can't watch movies on my favorite site because it opens up in a new window. There's no way to get multiple windows on the Wii either. Damn it!
I did get the tree up. I unpacked somewhere around six boxes today. I forgot about the ones in the storage room! Ugh! I hate moving and unpacking. I hate the unpacking more though. Understandable, right?
I'm hoping to be able to get some Wii points for the store sometime in the next few months. Maybe my mommy will buy me a card! LOL! Yeah, that will be the day... when my mother and stepdad enter the days of technology!
Well, my mother is trying. My stepdad refuses to get on a computer or anything like that. He lectures me for even getting on here anymore.
Blah! Screw them. This is where I met Brett Brett at... remember over a grave too! Haha!
Okay, I'm eating the chicken nuggets Brett made before they start getting hard as the ice outside.
Laters.
22:23 Dec 19 2009
Times Read: 1,075
That's it. I'm taking my mother's advice. I'm looking into my health insurance and getting my ass into the neurologist. I fall way too often and can't get my legs warm that it's not anything!
My legs and back are hurting so much today that I've been crying. It happens no matter what I do.
I need to get it checked out.
My primary doctor doesn't see the point in sending a 22 year old to see a neurologist. But damn it, when I fall for no reason and can't feel my feet quite often!?
I'm scared to go in to see one. I'm terrified of it. The way they did my mom was sticking needles into her in different spots.
I need to know what's going on though. We know I probably have nerve damage from my surgery on my heelcords. But it was said to neurological of why I walked on my toes anyway.
I was SUPPOSED to go see a neurologist back in 1997 and that's when I was only 12!
I'm tired of hurting so damn much because of who knows what. I'm going.
19:06 Dec 19 2009
Times Read: 1,084
I ended up taking some medicine so I could go last night. I wanted to meet the person for myself. I liked her. I'm so not doing that again though. I started crying by the end of it.
I've been getting things unpacked for a few hours now. There's about three big boxes and four-five little ones left.
I've done two loads of clothes. All of them are folded and hung up already.
I've gotten the bookcase unpacked and moved.
I've put the dishes away and I'm getting ready to do more in a bit.
I'm getting that blasted tree up today.
We're going to do a family thing tomorrow with decorating it and everything.
:-)
It's all white outside too! It started snowing last night and it's still coming down.
The only place Brett or me have to go today is CVS to get my antidepressant, anxiety medicine, and my stomach medicine.
The great thing is we don't have to worry about the roads since it's just a little bit of a walk from us!
Yay!
God, three boxes of Christmas decorations and a big box with our tree in it... *sighs* This is going to be a LONG day for me.
Brett can't help me much since I know where I want everything to go in the unpacking.
Oh and one big thing I have yet to do is getting Aurora's carpet scrubbed. She played in poo. Enough said, right?
17:48 Dec 18 2009
Times Read: 1,096
Brett's going to Pittsburgh for something later today. I'm not too excited about it. I'm not sure whether I'm willing to try to go or not. I would love to spend the time with him but there's so much I need to get done and also I'm not sure I can handle it nerve-wise.
My list for the day is as follows:
Do laundry.
Get the bookcase upstairs and set up.
Wash the dishes.
Unpack at least four boxes.
Read three segments of my homework (about 100-150 pages).
Participate in my discussion forums.
Participate in the coven and getting things done there.
Rate some profiles.
Get the Christmas things from my mom's house.
Fold and hang up clothes as I go.
I'm planning on wrapping Aurora's gifts tomorrow or the next day. I'm happy we got her layaway. It was insane though. We had to talk to the manager for 45 minutes to get it since they messed up Brett's name. Yeah... he's now Beth according to the receipt!
I'm having him send out my papers today along with some other mail. Thank god he patient with me... as patient as anyone can be that is.
I'm going to go ahead and get back to cleaning. That way I'll possibly get some time to myself later tonight when Aurora goes to bed.
:-)
08:27 Dec 18 2009
Times Read: 1,100
Have you ever felt the urge to walk past your grave in the middle of the night?
I have and it scares me.
07:27 Dec 18 2009
Times Read: 1,101
I can't get back to sleep. Yes, I've slept some tonight.
:-)
I fell asleep about eight o'clock. Brett put Aurora to sleep and whatnot. I got back up around ten o'clock.
I'm hoping that's not going to be all of the sleep I get tonight.
I think I'm going to rate some profile and try to shoot for sleep again in a little.
05:34 Dec 18 2009
Times Read: 1,105
I just finished the final part of filling out my social security papers. I didn't realize how much my anxiety, depression, PTSD, and medical problems effect my life before doing this.
I feel pathetic.
I have to think to myself... who the hell can't even check the mail or take out the trash?!
Then I remember, how I feel every time I even try to do so.
I just want to hide from it all.
At least I don't need to go out for anything else this week.
We got the following done today:
Brett got his license.
His social security card will be in the mail.
He got his books.
We got Aurora's layaway.
He saw the doctor. *He's being treated for H1N1*
We got the disinfecting products.
We did our grocery shopping.
I just finished my SSI papers.
And two loads of clothes washed along with lots hung up.
We were out almost all day. My mom and step-dad watched Aurora for us. We had to jump through hoops to get Brett's things straightened out.
And I'm getting ready to go back to bed. Night.
23:40 Dec 17 2009
Times Read: 1,121
Here's the horror story about a little piece of my day today.
I went to the graveyard today to see my daddy. Brett left me since he had a doctor's appointment and I wanted some time alone to have a long conversation.
Needless to say, some guy came after about 15 minutes in a truck. He was trying to get me to go with him. I told him I was engaged and waiting for my ride that would be by shortly.
He wouldn't leave me alone. I was scared, nervous, and crying from missing my daddy.
He didn't listen.
I took a deep breath in and screamed as loud as I could. No words, just a scream.
And I ran.
I kept walking/running until I got to the doctor's office. It's about three miles from where I was going the way I knew Brett would drive.
... I was so nervous I couldn't stop shaking in the waiting room. I couldn't take my eyes off the door. When it opened up and I saw Brett's hand, I dropped my notebook and everything and clung to him.
It figures the one time I try to be by myself at one place I know people are not around often and something happens to scare me insanely.
... You know the sad thing is I don't know whether the man was trying to pick me up, being creepy, or just trying to get me out of the cold for a few minutes.
All I know is he didn't listen and I was scared.
01:00 Dec 17 2009
Times Read: 1,134
I so didn't get to finish even half of my list today. It's rolling over to tomorrow since Brett's card didn't get loaded.
We did however get:
All of the dishes done,
Six boxes unpacked and still doing more,
2 lesson presentations done,
about 75 pages of my reading for my classes done,
the stove completely cleaned (inside and out),
Brett has an appointment tomorrow with the doctor,
and transferred Mr. Fishy to his big tank.
Considering I've been drained to hell and back and things, I think I did pretty good. I haven't kept my anti-depressants down for a few days now. I'm getting horrible in my mood swings and self-loathing. Ugh! I need to keep them down tonight. I really, really do.
Brett's fixing the dryer now. I'm going to be unpacking more after my 15 minutes of break time. I'm going to sit down with him tonight and do my SSI papers.
This may not make sense to people who don't know me...
But when it comes down to it, I wish everything with my anxiety was just in my head. I wish I could be "normal" and stick my head out the door to check the mail. Hell, I wish I could go to the grocery store by myself and function properly without needing Brett by my side.
I'm trying to get better. It seems like every dang thing I try... it doesn't work. Every failed attempted or relapse just makes me feel even more stupid, weak, ignorant, hopeless... worthless.
Even when I find someone who halfway understands the anxiety I feel... they still don't understand why I can't just walk out the door.
I feel alone. I feel almost abandoned in the prison I've built over the years.
I need to get better. If I want to work with the alliance that I want to... I have to pass a psychological exam first. I need my anxiety to become manageable. I need to get a grip on my depression.
... I need to cope with my past.
God, my past... they have to know about it. They will ask me questions. I'll have to tell a complete stranger what emotions I feel from getting sexually abused when I was a child.
Damn it, here I go again. I need to calm down. I need to stop thinking so far ahead. I have a year... or thereabouts. They will work with me. I've already talked to them some about that!
Get a grip, Tiffany Rose. Get a grip on reality. You have to stop this. You have to get better. There's nothing worse then what you've been... and there's no turning back now.
You've come a long way after all...
You can get in a car with someone else driving.
You can talk on the phone to family and close friends from time to time.
You can get the mail once or twice a week.
You're not hiding from friends online anymore.
You're able to go outside two or three times a week.
You're even able to drive once in a blue moon.
That's more then you could do a year ago. A little over a year ago, you went into the psychiatric ward and they placed you on a scale of 0-100 of functioning at a 33. You're probably at least a 50 now and that's a lot of improvement.
God, get a grip. Get a grip. Get a grip!
Stop thinking stupid thoughts. Stop letting yourself get overwhelmed! Stop taking on so many things at once. Stop, stop, stop!
One breath at a time. One moment at a time. One DAY at a time.
Stop thinking in the perspective of a year or two. Think about the now and what needs to be done!
Get better. Get healthy. Get stable. Then worry about everything else. That's one reason the psychiatrist wants you to apply for the SSI in the first place! Or did you forget that?
13:34 Dec 16 2009
Times Read: 1,144
It's not going to end, is it?
Now that I'm just now getting better to the point I can clean, unpack, organize, and start taking care of Aurora a little bit...
Brett's now in a mask. He's going in to see the doctor today. He's having the same symptoms as I was.
He was in the bathroom constantly yesterday and this morning. He's been hacking up a lung all night. His chest and head are killing him.
So yay! He's probably got it off of me.
I broke open my evidence kit just to get him a dust mask out to use. I can replace those easy enough.
We're waiting for his card to be loaded. We have to go out today.
The list for the day is as follows:
He needs to get his license.
He needs to get his social security card.
We have to get Aurora's layaway.
He needs to get in to see the doctor.
We need to get some disinfecting items from Wal-mart or Kroger Co.
He needs to get his books for his classes.
He needs to call AT&T about the modem.
I need to get some homework done.
That translates to hopefully:
50 pages of reading,
doing my notes,
two lesson presentations,
and one discussion forum.
I need to get the rest of the dishes washed.
I need to wash the stove and the counter tops.
He needs to get the dryer working. (It's something with the heating element.)
I need to wash at least two loads of clothes.
I need to unpack four-five more boxes.
We need to go get our Christmas tree and decorations in my mom's basement.
I need to go to the store and get the basic things for Christmas dinner that are on sale.
I need to call my psychiatrist's office for my assessment I have to sign and turn back in. (I lost the one in the move.)
I have to fill out my papers for Social Security.
I need to transfer Mr. Fishy into his tank from the small one.
I need to get as many of the clothes folded and put away as possible. The clean ones of course!
Is that enough?
Thank god I'm feeling somewhat better. I'm still wheezing some but not that bad. I'm going to cry if his card isn't loaded today though!
00:31 Dec 16 2009
Times Read: 1,154
I think a Brett Brett is happy that I'm getting better. Him and Aurora not only got muffins today but also some creamy, yummy chicken stew with biscuits on top of it.
Mmmm. Tiffy likes it when she can cook! Yummy!
God, I'm happy to get him away from the pizza rolls, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, chips and salsa, and other quick foods.
He's been living off of chips and salsa for like 3 or 4 days. Haha! There's other food in the damn apartment too! Heck, we have two roasts, two turkeys, and a ham in the freezer alone!
... What is it with men?
Why would you rather starve or eat the very bare minimums instead of cooking?!
Feeling Better!
20:37 Dec 15 2009
Times Read: 1,156
I'm feeling A LOT better today. I had a couple of incidences earlier where I lost my balance and fell... but it's nothing like it's been!
God, maybe I'm finally getting over this to the point it's showing!
I just baked muffins! Yum!
I'm taking my steroid now. I'm taking my lung relaxant when we get back from the store. I still have to wear the blasted mask but with my wheezing not being that bad... it's not bugging me like it was.
Woot!
On the other hand, Brett's driving me insane. Enough said about that... *nods*
04:24 Dec 15 2009
Times Read: 1,171
Picture from about five minutes ago. I look out of my mind in it. God, I wish the circles under my eyes would go away.
I need to get another shower.
But here it is...
It's more of a reminder to myself then anything. I've gotten lectured so much from my doctor and the nurses... plus my mother. Ugh! My mother was the worse on it all!
I'm not going to let myself get this blasted sick again. If I'm sick for more then a week, I need to go in. Especially if I'm taking cold medicine during that whole time!
I got my book today. We had to go out and get it. There were a whole bunch of problems with UPS. It was insane. We ended up stopping at the college up there for Brett to run in and call the UPS number to get directions. They told us the wrong ones. But while I was waiting, I ended up taking my mask off outside of the car, of course, and vomiting.
My mom is upset with me. She wants me to go to the graveyard with her and today I had to get my book. If I didn't get it, tomorrow it was going back to the company it came from! I would have been screwed for a long time on my State and Local Government class.
I'm kind of tired but kind of not. I'm waiting for a friend overseas to get online so I can chat with him for a few before trying to sleep. I was supposed to dual with him tonight in an online game but I'm not sure I'm up to it.
... I'm not sure I'm up to much of anything.
If I can't sleep, I'm doing homework or cleaning. I've already decided that much! *nods* About 15 more boxes to go. Just 15. Why does it seem like 100 to me right now?
I have plenty of motivation.
I have plenty of spunk.
I have the stubbornness.
I have my list of things I need to do.
Now, I just need my body to corporate with me to get everything done!
19:58 Dec 14 2009
Times Read: 1,178
I have to go out in a few minutes. I need to get my book from the office in St. Clairsville. Ugh!
I'm so not looking forward to going out, especially with a mask on.
Wonder how many strange looks I'll be getting...
19:22 Dec 14 2009
Times Read: 1,179
Ahhhhh! I got my evidence kit! OMG! OMG! Ahhhhh!
Mister
09:12 Dec 14 2009
Times Read: 1,187
I want sex. I want kisses. I want touches. I want to stop feeling like shit from being sick. I want physical contact.
God, I want a lot of things.
But most of all, I want you, Mister.
♥
07:28 Dec 14 2009
Times Read: 1,188
Another night of not being able to sleep. Ugh! I'm going to just do homework. Even with the worst case, I'll still get some of that done. I already did some cleaning. I can't do much more there since I don't want to wake Aurora up. I've fallen twice tonight but nothing bad. I've at least got some "get up and go" juice back.
I should get my book for my class today or tomorrow.
I'm hoping that come 3 am, when I take my lung relaxant, it will make my chest hurt less so I can go to sleep.
*sighs* I'm feeling pretty damn good without taking into consideration the blahness of being sick and whatnot.
I'm going to go to the graveyard sometime soon. That always makes me feel better. Once I can drive, I'm going by myself... hopefully. I owe him a long conversation.
:-)
I met a couple of new friends online tonight on another site. The guy gave me a freebie. I'm surprised by it. I think I'm going to try to do something nice for him, I'm not sure.
I'm not going to do my profile all Christmas like. I wanted to but I just don't have the energy. I will be happy when we get our tree up and whatnot.
There's two places I'm thinking about the tree going... either on the landing of the steps. That way Aurora can't get the ornaments. Or in the corner in the living room. But that requires us to move a big five shelf bookcase up to our bedroom.
It would be more for Aurora there though.
I'm sure as I get more of the cleaning done today and tomorrow I'll know where I'm putting it.
Night people. Hope you sleep better then me!
02:28 Dec 14 2009
Times Read: 1,197
I think Brett's going to kick my ass when I'm better.
And he says he wants to break my legs now.
*pouts*
I got my mask on. I washed my arms up to my elbows.
... And did some of the dishes.
I think I'm in trouble.
01:50 Dec 14 2009
Times Read: 1,199
I can't make sense of my homework right now. Instead I'm doing Jigsaw puzzles on a website. I just had an egg sandwich. Yum!
I'm hoping to be able to actually sleep tonight without the events of last night repeating.
And I think Brett's a little irritated with me, even though he won't admit it. My fever is back and higher. It was at 101.3 last check. I didn't tell him because he wouldn't let me clean any and I know this. Plus I don't see the point in him worrying about my fever going up and down.
He found out though. He was getting out of the shower and I had to go to the bathroom. He saw how much sweat was on my face.
I guess just not telling him wasn't as effective as I thought it would be.
23:21 Dec 13 2009
Times Read: 1,202
I've been up maybe three hours collectively since I fell asleep this morning. I feel so drained.
I can't put off cleaning anymore though. I just got mine and Brett's room done. I'm trying to clean up around my couch some.
Something that's a little interesting is I've been eating Ritz crackers in my sleep today.
But anyway, I have to get all the cleaning done whether I'm sick or not. Brett's trying to help.
We don't even have the Christmas tree up yet because of me being sick and about 20 boxes not being unpacked.
I feel like shit. I feel so drained that it's unbelievable. I'm not going to apologize for my state of mind last night. Everything is really getting to me. How can it not? I can't do anything during the days except sit on my couch and think.
I need to get my writing assignment done so I might get on later to update but I'm not sure.
07:46 Dec 13 2009
Times Read: 1,213
I wish I could go up to the bedroom and cuddle up with Brett. I'm crying and all I want is to feel his arms around me. I'm depressed. My chest is hurting from me breathing. I have 20 minutes to wait before I can take a lung relaxant to help some. I can't stop coughing though.
I always get this upset around mid-December. It's when I miss my daddy the most. I was looking forward to this Christmas so much. I was going to make a homemade gingerbread house with Aurora and everything else.
I can't even walk well enough to get upstairs to the bathroom without some fuckin' help let alone play or do anything with my daughter!
God, I haven't even been in the same room with her for more then an hour for the past week now because of me being so sick.
I've been trying to make the best out of everything. I've been trying to laugh this off some. But there's only so much that can build up before I break from whatever going on.
Right now I'm debating about sleeping on the back porch since it would help me breath. Hell, it's only a couple of steps and I have blankets. Brett would literally scream at me though and I know that.
Maybe I should wake him up...
06:48 Dec 13 2009
Times Read: 1,214
I can't sleep. I have one writing assignment that isn't much for me to complete later today. I'm playing an online game while I can.
I'm just trying to hold out until 3 am, which is my next pill... well when the doctor said it was safe for me to take it again. I'm having problems with the coughing.
Brett's asleep. Aurora's asleep.
I'm up and listening to Owl City, trying to relax just a little bit.
Oh fuck! I just remembered, I'm going to have to get up for something to eat because I forgot to tell Brett what I wanted as something on my stomach when I take my blasted pill.
Ugh! I'm so not telling him I got up through the night when he gets up in the morning!
*hides*
I Absolutely Love This Letter in the Newspaper Column!
02:22 Dec 13 2009
Times Read: 1,220
"The List Is Long
By Heather Ziegler
POSTED: December 12, 2009
Dear Santa, I hope this day finds you and Mrs. Claus, the elves and the reindeer well. I take it you have avoided the swine flu and have had everyone vaccinated by now. After all, you are in the high-risk category with all the kids you deal with and all those lap-sitting gigs.
I'm sorry if my wish list appears a bit long, but it's been a dicey year. Most of what I am asking for is for others. I am among the fortunate to be blessed with a job, a paid-for roof over my head, fairly decent health insurance, food in the cupboard and my family pretty healthy so you can give my stuff to someone else who needs it more.
First let me say that we could sure use some good judgment if there is some left in your Santa bag. It seems some of our so-called role models - from police chiefs to pro golfers - have fallen into temptation recently.
If you could dig a little deeper into your bag and pull out some wisdom, I'm confident there is a place for it when it comes to running our local communities. Some of our towns and cities have faltered in this tough economy, and the leaders could use a little help with their wise decisions. It's nice to have new sidewalks, but not if there is no one living in the houses on the street. Wisdom would be appreciated.
If only you could gift-wrap some patience for a bunch of very stressed parents, coaches, teachers and others who lead our children. It has to be difficult being in these roles especially when not-so-smart rules and regulations tie the hands of those who are asked to guide our youngsters into adulthood.
I often question if there are still manners in the world, but if you could squeeze a few books on kindness into some stockings, perhaps we would begin to see niceness return to our so-called civilized world. Maybe then we would not be shoved and pushed when shopping on Black Friday and people would say "please" and "thank-you" more often.
If Mrs. Claus still has time, could she knit a few more sweaters or sew some extra coats. I see an awful lot of people who do not have decent clothing to wear on these frosty mornings. I know the Salvation Army or the 18th Street Center or school clothes closets would be happy to hand out the items to those who need them.
I realize the elves are super busy right now, but hopefully they can spare a few minutes to help peel potatoes at the soup kitchen or gather canned food to fill the soon-to-be empty shelves at these facilities. The donations are generous right now, but come January, everyone could use an extra hand or donation to help fill hungry bellies.
And please, Santa, if for just one day you could trade in your red suit for camouflage and pay a visit to our troops so far away, I know they would welcome the gesture. Please let them know how much we love them and appreciate what they do every day.
I know it's a lot to ask, yet I believe in you, Santa. After all isn't Christmas supposed to be about faith and love?
Heather Ziegler can be reached via e-mail at ziegler@ theintelligencer.net."
http://www.theintelligencer.net/page/content.detail/id/532029.html?nav=509
01:30 Dec 13 2009
Times Read: 1,221
Out of my first week of homework, I have two writing assignments and one discussion forum to do. The only other thing is a 30 page reading assignment but my book isn't here so I'm going to do that as soon as it appears on the doorstep. Oh, and remember the one writing assignment I can't do until I read the material!
I'm liking how my classes are going and things. I feel more then up to it all. It's been a while since I've felt like this about homework.
I'm feeling a lot better then earlier. I woke up from my nap in a cold sweat. I was completely drenched and aching.
I'm surprised to find I'm hurting as bad as I was when I first woke up or have been before. I'm still coughing though but it's not as deep or harsh as before. Maybe the medicine is kicking the shit out of this crap?
I hope so.
I'm still not getting on here for a little while, unless it's to update my journal or something.
Brett's getting in touch with Aurora's doctor on Monday morning. His answering service said he might not have her come in but send her to the hospital for a swab test. I'm happy she's going to get checked though!
As for myself, I'm utterly confused about the mask thing. There are websites and people telling me everything from I'm contagious until 5-7 days after I start the medicines to two weeks after my medicine treatment ends.
Which is it?
Ugh!
Going off the CDC website I was sent to, it's 5-7 days after the fever is gone without the aid of fever reducing medicine such as Tylenol or Motrin.
I'm probably going to get back off of here to lay down again or get a little more homework done. I still have 30 minutes until my next pill.
21:14 Dec 12 2009
Times Read: 1,226
I'm probably not going to be on here for a couple of days. I'm coughing more and harder again. I fel like someone just punched me repeatedly in the chest. I'm going to layy down.
07:54 Dec 12 2009
Times Read: 1,239
I hate computer problems. We picked up a "nasty" somewhere when surfing the net. I just did a system restore and it seems to have fixed the problem.
I'm just happy because I can get back to my homework now!
:-)
Oh and I had a neat idea about a new display picture. But that's my secret!
05:56 Dec 12 2009
Times Read: 1,243
I'm clean. I got a ten minute shower. Leave it to me to wait until I'm getting out of the shower to fall. Brett didn't really want me to get in there until he thought I could handle it. I hadn't gotten a shower in like a week though. I've been washing myself using the sink in the bathroom because of how weak I'm been.
I feel better though, even if it is just temporary. I'm also having more problems breathing since I got out.
Brett got a couple of new masks for me from my mom. My old one that I got from the doctor had some blood in it from me coughing so hard. Ugh! I hate the fact that I smell like the steroid he has me on. It smells so disgusting.
I'm not waiting until I get this sick again before I go in.
...At least I hope not!
Brett's still not letting me off my couch much. I cleaned a little while he was gone though. Hehe! Shadow was watching me to make sure I didn't fall. I only did once though and it wasn't that bad.
:-)
I think I'm getting better.
I have to do a witness identification assignment early next week. I'm looking forward to using the software.
I almost started crying today because I was looking forward to getting my evidence kit. I found out today that I'm probably not going to get it until next semester. I was looking forward to getting it and doing a couple of things for Christmas.
I'm disappointed about it!
Oh and last night was a trip. I had to use the bathroom and Brett was going to help me up the stairs. I went to get up and almost fell. In the process of me getting my balance, I managed to hit my foot off of the marble of our coffee table and tore my toenail almost 3/4th off. We don't know how it's possible but it happened. Leave it to me!
God, I'm a klutz right now!
And my new ability for the past week is not just falling at random moments but also pain and bruising from pokes, bumps, and firm touches. My iron is low and I can't take my iron supplement until I'm off of the one medicine. It's only four more days for that one though so I'm just going to keep on eating what I can.
I'm already having problems in my one class. It's not with keeping up or anything. It's a problem with finding information on my local government. It's beginning to irritate me beyond belief. I have to develop an opinion about what my local government is wasting time on and how I think they can become more efficient. I have to cite where I found my information. I can't find the information, let alone a credible one!
My book for it still hasn't come but the professor told me I can hand in my two page paper by the middle of next week if not before then. She seems nice. Now if only she would stay away from purple and bright blue fonts! Grrrness! It's driving me insane to see her use them in messages!
Aurora's now getting sick and I'm hoping she didn't catch the H1N1 virus but only time is going to tell. We're giving her Motrin. It might just be the new tooth coming in. We've never seen her cough so much because of one though.
I think I'm going to go ahead and get some sleep. If I can't do so, I'm probably going to work on my homework. Personally, I'm not that tired. That's what I get when I sleep at any time during the day because of medicine and blahness. Hah! That's not even a word. But at least if I tell Brett goodnight and he tucks me into bed... he'll probably go upstairs to the bedroom and get some sleep.
02:39 Dec 12 2009
Times Read: 1,246
I got a surprise earlier. Stephan called me! He was waiting at a bus station and called to cheer me up. Woot!
I ♥ him!
:-)
LOL! This isn't the first time he's heard me sound like shit! I just wish I could have quit coughing to talk more during the conversation.
23:30 Dec 10 2009
Times Read: 1,255
Scenario:
On his morning jog, a citizen discovered a dead girl lying in the bushes along a back road. He then immediately called the police. The girl was naked from the waist down and appeared to have a cord around her neck.
Hell yeah! At least I'm now getting to the things that interest me the most in my classes. Now off to write my police report!
On another note:
Got the results back from my x-rays. I don't have pneumonia but my lungs were starting to fill up some with liquid. It should resolve itself while I'm on these medicines.
I still feel shitty but I'm doing a little better than yesterday. I'm still not able to do much. I'm still falling down when walking to the bathroom or to the phone. Brett and I have been fighting over the computer since I have to do my homework and I've been playing a game here and there. I still have a fever. I'm still bringing up yellow chunky crap when I cough but it's not as bright now. I'm still overly tired but not able to sleep without the sliding door open (if I'm downstairs) or the window and the fan on low (if I'm upstairs). I guess that just makes Brett happy that each room has their own thermostat. The cool air helps me breath though, especially through this blasted mask! My mom has some masks I'm going to send Brett to get tomorrow.
I don't know what I'm doing about my "State and Local Law" class because my book was just shipped out today! I'm trying to figure out the things in the class but it doesn't make much sense without the text in the book to go along with it.
17:19 Dec 09 2009
Times Read: 1,274
I feel worse today then yesterday. The lung relaxant thing has been letting me sleep some since I'm not coughing every five minnutes. I'm eating. I'm taking my medicines. I'm playing a couple of games online if I can. And then I'm more then likely going back to bed. I just woke up about 30 minutes ago. At least my security kitty is keeping me company through this whole thing. I had to lecture her to get her to go eat some food and go to the litter box around five in the morning when I started hacking again. Here in a couple of hours, Brett is goingto try to call my doctor again for the xray resulkts.
H1N1
17:46 Dec 08 2009
Times Read: 1,303
I just got home. I have a nifty mask I need to wear, especially around Aurora. I have been reported to the health department as having the H1N1 virus. My ribs feel like they're splitting open. I can't breathe right. I may have pneumonia on top of it.
I got lectured for waiting so long to go in.
In all my years of seeing that doctor when he treated my daddy, I've never seen him jump back the way he did! I coughed while he was listening to my chest and he jumped back about 3 feet.
His receptionist didn't warn him that I was sick and whatnot.
God, I'm playing a couple of online games and passing the hell back out.
And yay! I have nine pills to take today!
09:12 Dec 08 2009
Times Read: 1,311
I can't stop puking. Brett's making me some tea. I'm calling the doctor in the morning. I'm now bringing up some blood because of how hard and constant I'm coughing. When I bring up mucus, it's yellow and chunky. I'm dehydrated but I can't keep shit down. I can't sleep because I keep on coughing like crazy. My fever is going up and down. The highest it's been has probably been in the low 102 degrees. I don't think I can get out of going to the doctor office for this one. I'm scared to go but I'm so weak now, it's ridiculous. I can't even open a thing of honey with the pop top. I'm either sleeping or online playing games. I can't do much else at all. Any movement I do is causing problems with my breathing. God, I would be one of the stupid people to die if there was an outbreak of something.
01:58 Dec 07 2009
Times Read: 1,329
You know you're sick when...
You wrestle with a penis and lose!
17:26 Dec 06 2009
Times Read: 1,338
I'm sick as hell and what am I doing?
I'm unpacking boxes.
Getting things ready for the consignment shop.
Fixing food. We're having stew.
Washing dishes.
Doing clothes.
Trying to keep my sanity.
*sighs* Can I go back to bed yet?
15:27 Dec 06 2009
Times Read: 1,342
I've been taking Tylenol for my fever and the body aches.
I'm eating things that are light on my tummy.
I slept with the sliding door open about 2 inches last night.
God, that really helped, even with it being cold out.
Aurora has caught it off of me. I feel horrible about that alone.
Today's my last day without any classes to worry about. I'm just trying to get better and get some more unpacked.
Sick Yet Again!
23:36 Dec 05 2009
Times Read: 1,357
I've been sick since last night. I thought maybe it was just something simple and I would be over it by morning.
That's not the case.
I'm sneezing.
My nose is running.
I'm puking.
I have the blasted shits.
My body is sore as hell.
I just want to sleep.
I have a sore throat.
I'm starting to lose my voice.
And I'm starting to have chills.
I was supposed to go see Christmas lights with my mom, stepdad, Tyler, Brett and Aurora. I couldn't though. I'm too sick to go.
I sent Brett with Aurora so they can enjoy it together.
I'm sad I didn't get to go but hell, I don't even think he could wake me up fully.
I need to think of something to get me better. I already took some herbal pills to jumpstart my immune system *hopefully*.
Ugh! I feel like shit!
Thoughts So Far Today
19:04 Dec 04 2009
Times Read: 1,373
Even though we've had our ups and downs the past two years, things are looking up drastically!
People around us can tell the difference. They can tell the shine around us that was once there in Nashville. We belong together and there's no doubt.
:-)
I'm so happy everything happened the way it did. Brett's even happy to be where we are right now. He doesn't even mind being in this area anymore.
We're paying our rent today. We paid my car insurance and Aurora's layaway yesterday. He had his last final this morning online and got an 81% on it. We're getting ready to leave for a consignment shop to take a carload of things to turn in for credit. Including lullaby crib things *can't remember what they're called*, a walker, a big, barely used stroller, a lot of clothes, and bibs, socks and hats.
We're going to get at least $50 credit for it all.
I've gotten about 12 boxes or so unpacked. We hit up a meat sale yesterday with beef roasts for only $3-$5! We ended up getting three. I'm planning on making stew or tender loin tonight for supper once we get back.
I ran into my mom when I was heading over there. I ended up going to the store with her and talking like that with her. She wanted to let me know Tyler's coming for the weekend and that someone we know wants to teach us how to crochet advanced stitches and knit.
I start my classes on Monday. I'm feeling so good about everything. I'm not putting things off now that Brett and I are doing so well.
I've been working on that exercise that I started yesterday. I'm on about page five now. I'm still terrified to finish it.
...but I've decided if I can assess the damage that has come from it...
Then I can work on changing what isn't good as I can from there.
My book is downstairs now. Grrness!
I'm going to get it so I can put that quote here now!
Got it!
People have said to me, "Why are you dragging this up now?" Why? WHY? Because it has controlled every facet of my life. It has damaged me in every possible way. It has destroyed everything in my life that has been of value. It has prevented me from living a comfortable emotional life. It's prevented me from being able to love clearly. It took my children away from me. I haven't been able to succeed in the world. If I had a comfortable childhood, I could be anything today. I know that everything I don't deal with now is one more burden I have to carry for the rest of my life. I don't care if it happened 500 years ago! It's influenced me all that time, and it does matter. It matters very much."
-Jennierose Lavender, 47-year-old survivor
I don't want to keep on letting my past control me. I don't want to keep on having nightmares, night terrors, and flashbacks. I want to overcome my anxiety disorder and my depression. It all goes back to me not dealing with the abuse. It goes back to me not being able to deal with it. How the hell was I supposed to? I was seven when something first happened that I can remember! Seven years old and no one would help me!
I'm going back to working on my exercise some. A lot of feelings are coming up through all of this.
But I want to do this. I want to do this for me.
I don't want to be the victim who cries at night, why me?
I want to be the victim who can laugh in the face of their abuser because they overcame it!
-Me
Feelings From The Past
06:26 Dec 04 2009
Times Read: 1,376
It's past one in the morning and what am I doing? I've been crying, writing, and working through my past.
The biggest thing I'm scared of is getting done with my "assessing the damage" I'm working on and looking back to see over 10 pages of it.
How can someone even deal with seeing that all written out in their own hand writing of things they are "damaged" because of childhood sexual abuse?
I feel almost robbed right now.
I have three pages. I'm only on the second section. There's eight different parts to the exercise.
I'm actually finding the courage to work on some things from my past. I want to heal.
I want to post a quote that is in the book from a 47 year old woman but my book is upstairs at the moment. I'll make sure to post it tomorrow.
I'm scared to cry. I feel ashamed by it. I don't even want my Shadow Dancer, my security kitty, to see me cry. I'm so terrified of everything and I can't keep doing this to everyone around me.
I feel so lost. The two people who knew about my past and saw me when I was growing up are dead.
One killed himself and the other just died from cancer.
He was my knight in shining armor. He understood a lot about me. I didn't feel ashamed to talk to him about how something made me feel. And now, with him gone too I feel incredibly lost and alone.
I feel almost disconnected. I feel like I'm just connected to my body by a thread and anything that comes by, even a gust of wind, can rip it away from me.
I don't even feel like myself most of the day. I feel distant. I feel almost like I'm zoning for most of it but who would notice anyway. I perfected that ability when I was little just so I wouldn't make a whimper nor show any enjoyment. There's a reason why I find it so hard to lose myself in sex. Hell, I'm even quiet when I masturbate for fuck sakes!
I just... I just feel like I've been cheated is all. I feel like no matter what I do in life, I'll never be good enough for anyone, including myself.
I'm scared I'll always feel like a victim.
Becoming Strong Again.
05:07 Dec 03 2009
Times Read: 1,396
I just finished the essay I was working on. I like the final result. I might post it sometime tomorrow. It's not much, but it helped me focus some thoughts about my disorder.
Looking up information helped me put things into perspective a little bit. It also made me realize just how many of my medical problems are probably linked to my generalized anxiety disorder.
So much for me getting to bed early tonight. Aurora's been up and down. I wanted to get the essay done too. I've also been talking with Brett tonight about different things.
Brett and I are engaged. We're finding what we lost quickly through everything passing.
We're best friends again and that means the world to me! ♥
Anxiety.
02:33 Dec 03 2009
Times Read: 1,399
I'm sick from my nervousness from the unpacking. So where am I? I'm currently on the toilet sick to my stomach from my anxiety levels being so damn high.
Ugh!
I hate getting upset over my everything when the holidays come. It all just rubs me the wrong way right now.
I'm working on an essay about generalized anxiety disorder currently while I'm sitting here.
Even when I'm not sick... I'm going to probably sit in the bathtub working on this essay.
:-)
Brett called me weird because when we do buy a house together... I want my own space. It will just be a room for my crafts, writing, reading, coping, and escape.
... But what's going to be in it is a bathtub. It's not even going to have water lines going to it. He calls me weird because I want that. I've wanted it since my Grandma's house when I would lock the door so I could read a book or something in the bathtub.
Sad thing is... I'm scared of getting baths. I always take showers unless I'm too sore to stand long enough or need to soak my back or something.
Sometimes I just feel brave enough to take a bubble bath!
But I'm not scared to just sit in one with no water and read or write. It's where I can come up with my best ideas at times.
At least I'm starting to calm down from listening to Owl City. His songs are becoming the soundtrack to my life! LOL!
Going back to writing!
21:31 Dec 02 2009
Times Read: 1,411
Mind-blowing sex = W.O.W. and not World of Warcraft, WoW :-)
There's just something about waking up to sex with a blindfold on, strapped down, being fucked and with your fiancee whispering in your ear while you have your first climax!
16:33 Dec 02 2009
Times Read: 1,424
We're done! It's over!
No more weed smell coming under our door. Hell, no more skunk weed smell period!
No drugs period!
No more fights!
No more guns!
No more alcohol and drinking!
No more worrying about what Aurora's going to see outside!
No more worrying about what people say!
No more OCD about locking the door!
Woot fuckin' woot woot!
They're trying to fuck us out of our security deposit though!
There's one run in the carpet from Aurora and the kitties, one hole in the door in Aurora's room from where we had to take it off and Tony tried to get in the bedroom when I was masturbating, and two kool-aid stains on the carpet I couldn't get out.
She said our carpets were filthy. No, they're not. She said the carpet there has to be repaired. Yeah, I know. The door in Aurora's room has to be replaced. Yeah, I didn't try to hide it and it costs $50 for you guys!
Ugh! I dislike Miss Patty!
We saw Meezy and let him know about everything. He said he tried to warn us about them trying to get all the money they can from security deposits and whatnot. He didn't know we had to pay so much though!
He's doing security. He might be able to get Brett into it. But Brett would have to get a gun and it costs $450 for the gun they want them to have. Also he would be working when they needed him and not around his classes.
Meezy's going to talk to Uncle D so we can get our money off the people upstairs over there. He's the one who everyone comes to with their problems.
:-)
Uncle D said if we were having problems with people up there, we should have said something. He would have put a stop to it as quick as possible.
He likes us!
But the people upstairs have three of our PS2 games and our PlayStation 2. They were supposed to pay us $40 for the PlayStation and controller but never did. They're dodging us and I'm about to go into "bitch mode" as Brett puts it.
If they don't give me my money, I'm going to cost them a WHOLE LOT OF MONEY!
I'll turn them in for every job he's had that didn't report to the office. Ha-fuckin'-haha!
I'm hoping I don't have to get that mean though. That's why I'm going to Uncle D before anything.
Oh and I got my books for my next quarter today! We've missed them twice at the other place...
When we were talking with Meezy, the UPS guy pulled in to deliver mail there. He had to go back for another package for the place and before he left, I asked him about my books.
I had to wait ten minutes for him to come back but I got them!
He's the one who always delivers my books. I remembered him. Every time he does... I think... "Hmm... he's kind of cute!"
LOL!
I'm going to wait until Brett gets home to start unpacking all of this. I can't lift anything today. My back is so swollen and my legs are too.
Ugh! I'm finding the muscle rub. It's in the bathroom stuff... but just to find where the box is!
And I'm hoping to work in a word document on my profile some. I want to go ahead and enter the Christmas contest. I'm looking forward to doing it. I didn't even know there was a contest until last night. I stay away from the forums with my anxiety as bad as it's been lately!
14:40 Dec 02 2009
Times Read: 1,430
We're getting ready to go to the other apartment complex now so we can hand in the keys and also do a walk-through with the woman to hopefully get an estimate on how much of it we're getting back.
God, I hurt so bad right now. Heck, there's bruises and marks all over my body from the past week.
Moving sucks!
I'm so tired. I might take a nap when Aurora does, if Aurora does.
Later today starts the nightmare of unpacking over 30 boxes.
0.o
Wonder how long it's going to take me!
02:56 Dec 02 2009
Times Read: 1,439
I'm helping Brett some with his lab sims tonight. He's up at the other apartment getting my mom's carpet scrubber. We're done. We're officially out come tomorrow morning.
Woohoo!
We also found out something interesting last night...
The woman who lives next to us is never home. Her car has been there a lot the past two weeks. She's got a boyfriend. He's really nice. He's actually cute in all reality. So not my type though! But he's a writer. I didn't get much of a chance to talk to him. Brett volunteered me up to possibly help him with ideas and what not when writer's block comes up.
I plan on inviting them over to play the Wii or something when they're both home. I'm interested in knowing what genre he writes and what not.
:-)
Wouldn't it be a blast helping a writer with ideas?
Heh! Is it bad that depending on what someone writes and how much I like them... I would like to help write something or influence it to let other childhood sexual abuse victims know they're not alone.
I remember how alone I felt when growing up. At one point, I thought it was normal. I've gone through so many thought patterns over the years. I've gone from blaming myself to sharing blame to putting the blame on them to hating myself for not saying anything.
I tried to say something. I did try three times. It's why I don't ask for help anymore. I always just get hurt again.
I'm going to go back to rating profiles and whatnot until Brett gets home from the other place. It's the last and final run other then doing the walk-through tomorrow after we hand in the keys.
:-)
This is why we will never end.
I don't think any other girl could pull through everything we've gone through with him or another guy with me.
We've gone through exes, situations of cheating, moving three times, family drama, three close people dying of cancer slowly, a best friend who is struggling with cancer, a child, the after effects of a miscarriage, a miscarriage, exes wanting back in the other one's life again, a car being repossessed, six speeding tickets, one court appearance for one of the said tickets, drama of friends, friends who stole over $400 from us, dealing with the bank on fraud and canceling checks, my sex addiction, our depression, my insane anxiety, no sex drive at all, his ADHD, no way to concentrate for either of us, struggling with bills, me breaking down to apply for SSI, me being in the psychiatric ward, him being laid off, him getting fired from jobs, us not being able to find a job, getting lost while driving countless times *but only together!*, the death of our first kitty cat (Lizzybeth), the burial of a kitty I found on the road, Foxxy being cleaned up, no car while I was pregnant until month 8, god my pregnancy, therapy, flashbacks, nightmares, sleepy aggression towards the other, mind games of other being, lies from other people, others trying to end us, Corrin (enough said!), threesomes, me on Ambien, no privacy at my mom's for over a year, the violence and drugs up at the old apartment complex, the crack and weed dealers in our Nashville complex, me walking over 15 miles trying to find three guys with Dani (another white girl) through a crack deal going down, countless bus rides, my car dying on us in Nashville, getting a car on loan, getting my car back up and running, Brett getting into college, me getting into college with ITT-Tech, Brett dealing with a credit card from when he was 18 years old, me dealing with the bills most of the time we've been together, calling police on people, my relationship with Tony, my leg slammed in the door by Tony, the police report on him, Tony coming back and us compromising, Brett's decision about Erica, Brett getting better when Tony first came and before he talked to Erica, me getting better, us getting our confidence back, us finding what's important to us in life, my grief over my daddy, deaths in Brett's family, visiting Maryland, financial aid needing information and Brett calling the IRS, Brett and me fighting from him not getting up out of bed, me developing agoraphobic symptoms, me not leaving my house for five months or more, me crying in public from anxiety attacks, the drama lately on VR from Brett's complete decision about Erica, doing favors for friends for money, Brett having a bacterial infection that caused penal discharge, us thinking he had an STD, and one pregnancy scare.
15:25 Dec 01 2009
Times Read: 1,456
I'm not so worried about money right now.
We only need to come up with $300 more this month.
:-)
We've been snagging coupons to use on things.
Gathering up any and all pop cans.
We're making gas stretch.
We're budgeting our food.
I'm going to be fixing the windows so our electric bill goes down a little.
We're doing favors for people too.
Brett went and got someone dog a while back and we got $20 for it. I helped one of our friends with a couple of anatomy worksheets last night and she paid me $10.
Doing favors and odd jobs for friends is actually helping us a lot.
Brett might be calling a friend of his to go clean out her gutters since her boyfriend will pay him $30 for it.
$300 isn't that much if we keep it up and stay working together.
:-)
At the end of January will be Brett's checks from school. I should hear something about my SSI hopefully in the next couple of months.
I'm doing crafts again when I can find the time. I'm still not too sure about picking up the embroidery... even though I really miss doing it.
And Brett got his paper done last night, Frankie. He did it. I proof-read it. We worked on getting it to run smoothly together.
All I have to say though is quadrupole negatives. He needs his ass beat for it. OMG! The horror of it all! Thank god, he was only trying to take up space!
I'm starting to feel like I'm getting the flu again.
But it's not like it will get to me any. I've already started taking the vitamins. It won't be too long before I'm feeling better again!
♥
14:52 Dec 01 2009
Times Read: 1,459
Today is the last day we have to get anything at the other apartment done.
We will no longer have our name associated with apartment 202A.
...And I'm glad to be able to say that!
We're doing a walk-through with them since it's probably the only way we're getting any of our security deposit back.
I'm so tired. Brett's exhausted too.
I can't wait until tonight when we can just collapse on our bed and sleep without worrying about moving more things in the morning.
Aurora's cranky this morning.
I'm hurting badly this morning. My back actually gave out towards the end of last night. It's the first time through this whole thing, so I'm lucky!
I just want this to be done and over with.
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