Welcome to my profile. I appreciate your visiting.
Hmm ... so, about me ... Well, I suppose I should start with the basics: My name is Adam and I am 40 years old.
Like many people here, I am what you could consider a "goth" (and no, the word "goth" doesn't bother me. I look at it as a description rather than a label) - black clothes (with a dash of red thrown in from time to time), makeup, black nail polish, leather pants, shin-length leather coat, and a teardrop tattoo (and no, I didn't kill anybody - that is not what my tear means. It symbolizes how I feel about the shape the world is in - I never want to forget). However, I am gothic in not only dress, but in mind as well. I have always felt dark inside, and am naturally drawn to what could be considered "gothic interests" (the paranormal, horror movies, etc.). I even adore goth models and feel they possess a beauty unlike any other in the world.
The pain of others torments me, and I like to try and help people in any way I can, even if it's just listening to their problems or giving them a shoulder to cry on. I can't stand to see anyone hurting.
I am also constantly thinking (obsessing?) about the problems in the world and how they can be corrected. I enjoy theorizing and discussing issues such as suicide, love and hate, the apocalypse, and other darker or alternative topics.
I enjoy walking through or sitting in cemeteries. There is a peacefulness about them that is hard to describe. I used to eat lunch every day in a graveyard located on one of the busiest streets in our region, yet everything always seemed so quiet and settled when I was there. Cemetaries are a beautiful place to be alone with your thoughts.
I love pro wrestling, and have been a huge fan since the age of seven. I don't care what anyone says - wrestling rocks! From my experience, those who criticize it tend to have no idea what they are talking about. Some of my favorite wrestlers are Kurt Angle, A.J. Styles, Jeff Jarrett, Edge, C.M. Punk, and Chris Jericho. I am also a fan of just about any X Division/Cruiserweight wrestler. Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, and Ric Flair are a few more of my all-time favorites.
I don't watch most of the newer television shows on nowadays, but I do enjoy Frasier, Supernatural, and some programs on A & E (American Justice, Paranormal State, etc.). I'm more for collecting DVD sets of shows that are no longer on the air, such as Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Unsolved Mysteries, The Honeymooners, and The Pretender.
I really love music, I always seem to have it playing (usually on my portable CD player). Green Day are my favorite band (they have so many great songs, it's almost unbelievable!), and some of my other favorites are Puddle Of Mudd, Nickelback, Skye Sweetnam, and Simple Plan. I also like Zebrahead, Blink-182, Staind, Theory of a Deadman, Stone Temple Pilots, and Rob Zombie. I am a huge country fan as well, and enjoy artists such as Shania Twain, the late Keith Whitley, George Strait, Alan Jackson, Patty Loveless, Brad Paisley, Tracy Lawrence, Clint Black, Randy Travis, Rascal Flatts, Sara Evans, and about a million others.
I am very much into the paranormal/supernatural and occult. However, I only study witchcraft and magick for now, and am not what you would call a practitioner. My main areas of interest are ghosts, demonology, the 72 Spirits of the Goetia - and vampires, of course!
I'm a huge horror movie buff, I've amassed quite a collection in the last little while. I love the Nightmare On Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and Halloween series. But my favorite movies would have to be the first three Crow films (I liked the fourth one, too, but didn't think it was as good as the others). Of course, I also love just about any vampire movie.
As far as books go, I read mostly wrestling, occult, and paranormal stuff. My favorite wrestling books are The Death of WCW, World Wrestling Insanity, and Vince Russo's biography, Forgiven. As for the paranormal and occult, I consider anything by Konstantinos to be great.
My Views on Life, Suicide, and the World:
l suppose when you are a quiet person such as I am, things tend to become bottled up, and eventually you must let them out. I feel that some of what I have written here could be worth a thought or two, but I suppose you'll have to decide that for yourself should you choose to read this in its entirety.
My entire life, I have felt different from everyone else. It was just a nagging feeling as a child, but has grown stronger as I've become older. Many things have occurred to take me to this point in my life, and I have come to believe that I have been chosen for something - something to not only help the world, but change it for the better.
What this "purpose" is, I don't know. I have been trying very hard for a long time to find out. But perhaps that is not God's plan (yes, I am spiritual - not religious, as I do not follow any particular religion. However, I do not force my beliefs upon others, and feel that everyone has the right to their own feelings and opinions. I respect everyone's beliefs, including those of Atheists and even Satanists. So please don't think that we cannot get along if we do not share the same religious/spiritual views, because nothing could be further from the truth). Maybe I am not meant to know until He is ready to show me. That hasn't stopped me from trying, however. Although I have no doubt I will get to where I need to be one way or the other, I admit I'm hoping it will be sooner rather than later. I suppose I've taken to the "God helps those who help themselves" route.
As I said, I am different from most people. I truly believe there have been very, very few people like me in the history of the world. Hmm ... does that sound arrogant? *Laughs* If so, I don't mean it that way. Even if I have been chosen for something, I certainly don't feel that it makes me better than anyone else ... and believe me, it is nothing to envy. Actually, I wish my life was a lot more like most other people's.
I have never felt love, nor do I believe anyone has felt it for me. This certainly isn't to say that I don't care for anyone, however. Actually, there are probably very few people who care about the world more than I do. I'm just not close to anyone - including family - and I don't have what you'd call "friends". I spend most of my time alone.
And I'm not going to lie and say that's an easy way to live. It has been an agonizing and lonely road through life, and I know the journey is far from over. Sometimes I just feel like breaking down - and yes, there have been times where I've wanted to do even worse - but I am kept afloat by the realization (or personal opinion) that I am this way for a reason.
You see, those who are isolated and live on the "outside" of the world are actually able to understand it better. You see things others don't. And believe me when I say that our world is in severe, dire trouble. Evil is quickly overcoming good, and something needs to be done very, very soon. But I suppose that is a separate issue from what I wish to discuss here.
I have noticed that many people here are seemingly very depressed - and I can obviously relate to that feeling. However, I believe we can make pain work for us rather than against us, and use it to accomplish wonderful things. Pain may be the second strongest force in the world, next to love (remember, I wouldn't know!). It is a powerful tool - please use it. There are too many lives these days being wasted - or worse yet, cut short - by inner torment.
I believe the key to life is to find your "gift". When I say this, I mean the one talent/ability you were endowed with that will allow you to help the world and make yourself happy at the same time. Everyone has a gift, you just have to find it. Don't worry if it takes you a while - I still haven't found mine!
Most people think they know what terrible shape the world is in, but I wonder. Besides, it's time for us to stop wanting to change things and start doing it if we are unhappy with the condition of our society. The question is how many others wish to do this - because believe me, the world is not going to improve on its own.
In all fairness, however, I suppose it's different for me. Most people have friends, family, relationships, careers, and other important things to help keep their minds off of the bad things taking place around us, at least for the most part. Having none of these things in my own life for so long has left me with quite bit of time to ponder the problems in our world.
Suicide is one of those problems. I have come to believe that the reason for most suicides is hopelessness, the feeling that your life will never improve. I know that has been the most terrible part of my mental and emotional turmoil - and the main reason why I have considered ending my life an option. I've learned the hard way that without hope, you have nothing.
Some time ago, I had what I considered at that time to be one of the best days of my life. I was sitting in a Catholic church (as I like to do sometimes) writing down some thoughts on suicide. At that time, I had never considered killing myself, but had been to the point where I understood why some people do choose to end their lives. Much has occurred since then however, and to be honest, I really don't know what's going to happen.
I thought I had a revelation that day, something to give me hope. While sitting in the church, it came to me that if I have indeed been chosen for something, then that more or less means I was created for and from the world's pain - and that would make me part of the world. Please try to understand how big this was for me: After so many years of feeling like an outcast, I realized I was a part of this world - that I belonged. And that gave me hope.
It gave me hope that one day - instead of simply completing whatever task I was put here to do and then leaving this world - I could possibly have a happy (some may call it "normal") life. Fall in love, have a family, close friends - everything I've always wanted ... and everything that I thought was out of the question until that day. In other words, I considered the fact that if I was part of the world, then perhaps one day I could enjoy a happy life in it.
Unfortunately, however, my hope didn't last long - at least not in the same way.
The more I have thought about things, the more I've come to believe that I will never experience a real life the way I am now. Due to the way I have lived thus far (isolating myself from the world and obsessing over all of the pain and suffering in it), many walls have been put up inside my mind - walls that may be next to impossible to break down. I have considered therapy to help me deal with my problems, but have serious doubts as to whether or not that is the answer.
I still feel that I am capable of helping change the world - as well as having a happy, "normal" life one day. But to accomplish these things, I believe something extreme has to be done. I am not going to elaborate on this, as I have documented the subject in my journal and feel it does not really belong here anymore. But I do believe I may have discovered the answer to improving my own life.
I feel I am incapable of loving anybody in any way as the person I am right now. And I want to love and to be loved. I want it more than just about anything. I've seen the looks on people's faces when they think of their special someone, and have noticed how starting a relationship and having somebody can improve a person's life so much, even if that person is going through a horrible time. I want to look at someone special one day and know that I have made her happy and possibly made her life better. I want to enjoy the little things that go with a relationship - going for a walk, watching a movie together, talking on the phone or chatting on the computer, or just being at work and looking forward to seeing her the next day.
That's the thing - love changes everything. Love is happiness ... love is hope. And if I can't love, that means I have no hope ... what then?
It means my life will never get better, that's what. It means I am destined to live a life of pain, loneliness, and fear - a life that will end before long, I assure you. You see, I have become something very rare: not just an outcast of the world, but a total outcast. And a total outcast cannot survive for very long.
I'm hoping that if you are reading this and feeling down on your life, that you have reconsidered (at least a little) how lucky you are, because chances are you are not like me. Very, very few people in this world are truly hopeless. Unfortunately for me, I appear to be one of those few. But that's just the luck of the draw, I suppose.
If you feel love or believe you have loved in the past, then you have hope, because you either have at least that one person or the chance exists that you will love again. Therefore, your life is worth living, because it can improve at any time. I don't have that consolation. I wake up every day (or night, in my case) knowing that things will never get better (unless I find a way to make my idea a reality).
You may have noticed that I have an out-of-the-ordinary preoccupation with all of the suffering in society today. I can't deny that I am obsessed with trying to help people in any way I can. I cannot stand to see anyone in pain - if I do, I have to try and help them in some way, even if they just need someone to talk to. I've been told that I'm intelligent, understanding, and a good listener (I'm not saying those are the facts, I'm saying that's what I've been told!). So, if you are reading this and ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on, I'm always willing to listen.
And as far as the overall condition of the world is concerned, I admit it doesn't just bother me - it TORMENTS me. And I don't know if I'll ever be truly happy unless I find a way to help change things.
I know it may seem weird for me to be throwing my deepest thoughts out to a bunch of strangers - to be honest, it's kind of strange for me, too So, why am I doing it? Well, many here have been open and honest in their profiles - there's really no reason for me not to do the same. Besides, VR has become my online home, somewhere where I can truly be who I am and meet others who share similar feelings and viewpoints. But, there is another reason as well.
Whatever the "plan" for me is, I have a very hard time believing I am in it alone. After all, it's not as if I can line up all of the evil in the world and take it out by myself. There have to be others out there like me, lost and searching. If you feel as I do and can relate to what I have said, I would love to hear from you.
In closing, I would like to ask a favor of you: If you have even just one person in your life - a spouse, friend, family member, whatever! - that you love and who you know loves you, please take a moment right now to cherish that. And sometime soon, let that person know how you feel about them, even if they already know. Tell them how happy they make you, and how much it means to you that they are in your life. Please do this - believe me, you are very lucky.
If you have read this far, I truly appreciate it - and I suppose you now understand that I did not choose my username simply because it sounded cool.
Anybody is welcome to add me to their friends list, but please keep in mind that I am rarely the one to begin conversations. I don't mean any offense by this, it's just how I am.
