The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

How about a little TMI just because this is my spot to do it?

A few bumps in the road – but this October has been one of the best ones of memory. This month I believe I have successfully cut the cord to one of the most toxic friendships I’ve ever been in. Now listen, I am diagnosed Bipolar 1 – but as I have learned and have explained to many, Bipolar diagnoses have a spectrum (like Autism). I have “Bipolar Depression” – manic episodes are not a problem with me… But I have made a couple stupid judgment calls with myself that have me falling in this category. I am not this television stereotypical DC comic Harvey Dent Two-Face person. In fact, I don’t take regular Bipolar medications, I take an antidepressant that people with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) use and it keeps my mood in check unless people are seriously messing with me. I also have some pretty hard-core anxiety that I take medication for as well as PTSD nightmares. I explained this all for a reason…

This person was just a friend, but had built up a romantic interest in me that I shut down. I explained that I was not interested in that way – and it sucked because we had a lot of pretty cool common interests. Well, this guy would just get drunk and then be mentally abusive to me. Kind of like an incel- or maybe just flat out exactly that. For about a year, this was cyclical, and I kept on forgiving him for these Jekyll and Hyde tirades. Since I carry the title of this Bipolar diagnosis, I have a metaphorical “coupon” to say this guy was the stereotypical whackjob that you would see on television or in the movies as Bipolar.

I don’t know why I kept on giving grace… And he would always say I was the most gracious person he ever knew… but he continued to trigger my anxiety and even threaten me. It also engaged my chronic pain with fibromyalgia, kicked up my nightmares, even worse – more. I think at one point I let the “friendship” go on simply because I was fearful of making him angry – which just continued to happen anyway, every time he thought about me not reciprocating feelings for him.

A few weeks ago, I put my foot down – as he threatened me for the last time, called me names and even more… *I* then threatened to get in touch with his workplace (as he is a registered nurse) and let them know he is intentionally screwing with the head of a mentally ill person (as well as telling his family), going directly against the Hippocratic Oath. I may not have been his patient, but I don’t think his hospital would have looked too kindly upon this. This seems to have put a lid on most of it… But he still continues to text me and say he will never do that again. But no… No more chances, I am free of this albatross. Can you imagine a medical professional who is very clear with the fact that you struggle with certain things and purposefully tries to fuel the flames of those vulnerabilities? For the first time in a while, I actually had a couple of moments where I was dealing with suicidal ideation again. It’s a horrible thing to admit – but guess what? I’m still winning. That guy can go pack sand and hopefully learn from this if possible and never treat another person like this again.

So that’s one good thing for October.

Another good thing for October is that I tackled my math course, which I have been dreading like the plague… I am actually getting out of this challenge with a 97% average, therefore maintaining my 4.0 after almost a year back in school. This was a make it or break it course. I despise math, and this achieved grade does not mean I’m any good at it… Everything was difficult and I had to spend so much time on these problems. I can’t tell you how many times I went over and over the examples before I was able to get these things correct… But it’s over and done, and I feel so relieved.

Next – I had a wonderful birthday with my son. I can’t tell you how many years it’s been since I’ve had an actual good day on my birthday. And there wasn’t a single slice of negativity the entire day. He and I just spent quality time together and had great conversation as well.

On Friday, unfortunately I had a shingles vaccination which knocked me out of commission for a couple days. I wasn’t expecting to have the side effects that I did – but I was in bed for a solid 36 hours and then just generally didn’t feel good for another 12. I’ve gotten passed that so, yay!

October has always been my favorite month – so when things just go awry during this time, it really brings me down. And having read this journal entry (if you’ve been able to make it through), there were difficulties – but I am ending it looking at the bright side. This means I’ve been able to adapt and overcome, and get through all of this maintaining my mental health. Grateful doesn’t describe it. It’s more than that.

If there are typos and whatnot in this entry, just forgive them… It’s a long one and I don’t feel like looking over it to correct anything. 😂

😊

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Joli
20:39 Oct 28 2024

It is more than that...it's a celebration of triumph. You have this. Your beautiful spirit ring that out loud and clear. You, Madam, continue to rock on!

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
03:06 Oct 29 2024

I commend you on all of it, but as a person who also loathes math.... I give you a great big high five! You go girl! Math and I, we are not friends.

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STABB666
01:14 Oct 30 2024

I'm glad to hear that you could sort out that situation. And so happy to hear about a successful birthday day! Very proud of seeing you becoming more of you.

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That was a creepy journal entry I posted yesterday – I bet it was a weird read for people. But if there’s any place on this Internet to blow off the steam of darkness, this place is probably it. I can’t post stuff like that anywhere else. And I really needed to get it out.

But later in the day – I reconnected with someone from high school who I actually met back up with when I was stationed in Japan. He also joined the Marine Corps and it was really cool to have somebody from back home there with me in another country.

We went to Loara High School in Anaheim, California. The high school of Gwen Stefani. I was classmates with her younger sister, Jill, and my friend Mike was classmates with her brother, Todd. My sister was in Gwen’s class. Anyhow – back in our younger years, their group No Doubt was just a local ska band. All of us in Anaheim knew about them… But again, they were a local band. While we were stationed in Japan, I remember vividly my friend Mike being all excited because he found their CD “Tragic Kingdom” at the Exchange and bought it. He came running to my room saying, “you’re not gonna believe what I just bought!” We were so excited that they made the big time lol 😂

Anyhow, it was his birthday yesterday, and his sister tagged me in a post saying happy birthday to him. She tagged a bunch of his friends… I didn’t realize he was on Facebook. That led us to reconnect and we had a really long conversation on the phone just reminiscing about old times. And it was such a good conversation – that when I went to bed, I didn’t have a nightmare at all. That shocked the hell out of me. To say that is unusual is an understatement.

Anyway – I post this to say that last night was a hell of a lot better than my usual sleeping endeavors. And I think there’s a lot to be said for ending an evening on a good note.

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SireWallFlower
21:12 Oct 22 2024

I'm so glad to hear that you had some real rest for a change.

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Joli
00:06 Oct 23 2024

That is so lovely

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My nightmares are worse than ever, and the subject matter is more disturbing than ever. I can do so many things while I’m awake to try and keep myself away from the anxieties of life – but there’s nothing I can do when I’m asleep.

I take PTSD medication that is supposed to keep nightmares at bay. The way it works is it slows your blood pressure which is supposed to have you more relaxed when you’re sleeping and be a nightmare deterrent. But what’s going on in my mind does not change – and in my dreams I’m only slower… So instead of running as fast as I can, and just being afraid of being caught and killed or whatever… I’m slow in my dreams, and I am caught, and I am assaulted.

Last night I had a dream that a baby fell while a father was not watching, and I knew that there had to be some broken bones. I retrieved the baby and was in a vehicle in the passenger seat taking it to the hospital… For whatever reason, the father was also in that vehicle and told me That he was OK with a child who had deformities from broken bones… Don’t take it to the hospital, he would get in trouble. But I took the baby into the hospital anyway. I was also saying things to this man that would ensure I would also be harmed. Because he was obviously a very evil man and I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut from the anger of the whole situation.

The dream about the baby could stem from very real trauma of miscarriage that has haunted me my whole life. I’ve had more than one miscarriage- of my own, and miscarriage of a surrogate that I was carrying. Imagine that? Losing someone else’s child. It’s a very different kind of trauma/guilt/shame/so many other adjectives. Even though my dream was very different – I always have this theme of trying to save babies.

This is such a shitty journal entry that I’m using speech to text and I can’t bother with appropriate punctuation. I’m just using speech to text.

COMMENTS

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
20:44 Oct 21 2024

I'm sorry that you had that nightmare. It sounds absolutely awful! I can only imagine the flood of feelings and emotions that you woke with. *hugs* I wonder if you were to determine exactly what the dream is trying to tell you if it would keep another like it from happening.... I can't help but feel the evil man as some major significance somewhere in there.....

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Joli
01:14 Oct 22 2024

Wish we could reach through the journal page to offer comfort. If you ever need to talk, I'm yours.

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Cartomancer
20:37 Oct 22 2024

❤️

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This was yesterday. Hair blowing in the wind with my son's sunroof open- heading toward Brocato's in the morning for the cannoli, tiramisu, and cappuccino.

Later at GW Fin's: Lobster Bisque (not shown), Parmesan Crusted Sheepshead (fish) Jumbo lump crab, asparagus, crispy capers, Meyer lemon beurre blanc, and crème brûlée for dessert. 😁

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
21:07 Oct 20 2024

That all looks wonderful! I hope your day was wonderful and perfect!

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StormWatchers
16:21 Oct 21 2024

Happy belated Birthday!

Amazing pictures.

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I am incredibly antisocial right now because people just really stress me out currently… And although I’m trying to hide out from the world – there were plans my son and I had today so I’ve done my best to get out where I can avoid most of it. Had breakfast cannoli, tiramisu, and cappuccino at Brocato’s while it was pretty vacant there. This afternoon we went to the Claude Monet immersive exhibit- it was quiet, soothing, and quite amazing. We have very late night reservations at GW Fins for dinner. I am going to eat like calories don’t exist. 👊

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
00:45 Oct 20 2024

Over all, that sounds pretty perfect!

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Joli
01:59 Oct 20 2024

Enjoy every moment with the people you love.

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Cartomancer
16:37 Oct 20 2024

Every moment with my son is my favorite! :D

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Why am I treating myself to this wonderful European experience Fall of 2025? This goes far deeper than always wanting to do it.

One of the things my therapist notes in my after summary appointments is if I am talking about the future or not. As someone who’s dealt with suicidal ideation, it’s something doctors listen for. I’ve read this time and again in my appointment notes and I thought I would work on that. The biggest thing I can do is make plans. And if I make a really big plan… Something that I know would bring me immense joy, I know that when I talk to my therapist about it in my appointment next week, she will be very pleased. And this isn’t for her… This is really for me. I know that if I am excited about something that is coming, it can quite frankly be all you have to hold onto in moments.

If there’s anyone out there in the world that is putting in the work for their mental health, it’s me. I try my best to fill my days with the most positive things I can – and those things are all about self-improvement.

I’m sure I’ve talked about this before in my journal – I really don’t feel like scrolling back to see if I’m repeating myself… It happens… But I have a vision board that is half whiteboard and half a corkboard. On my whiteboard I have positive affirmations, and on the corkboard I have pinned postcards of places I’ve always wanted to go – bucket list items. Beyond that I spend a lot of time on my schoolwork, and I also still do my best to walk many miles every day.

In 2021 I spent an entire year in bed. I only got out of bed to take my dog potty in the backyard really quick and then hurry back inside. I grocery shopped twice a month – my son would take me and I would be holding onto his arm the whole time. I only checked the mail when it was dark outside. I had a massive dip in my mental health because I was going through so much with my VA disability case. It took a few years and it was beyond draining/depleting/exhausting… I was denied a few times and each time we had to do it over again I had to continually tell my story over and over and over and I can’t explain to you what that does to a person. The insane thing is that everything I was claiming was in my medical record and more… And beyond that the VA had performed surgery on me to correct the things I was claiming. Every denial made me feel worthless and completely invalidated by my government. And even though that aspect is over now – the case was won, I haven’t really been able to completely snap back. I’m not spending all my days in bed anymore… But there are things that can take me down again. I’ve gotta stay away from those rabbit holes.

So yes – this trip is something I need to be thinking about. And the day I fly out, I will deserve every spark of light that shines upon me through the whole adventure.

COMMENTS

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STABB666
22:34 Oct 18 2024

Yes, you do deserve it, and I believe you'll make this happen.

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SireWallFlower
10:42 Oct 19 2024

Happy Birthday!

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Cartomancer
17:02 Oct 19 2024

Thank you 😊

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MasterOfMadness
17:28 Oct 19 2024

When your in London and if you get a chance.....visit the London Dungeons it tells all about the grimier history of London and its pretty awesome

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
00:44 Oct 20 2024

You absolutely deserve it! You deserve all the happiness and joys that life can throw at you!

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This is the itinerary for the 14 days in Europe (that I should be experiencing around this time next year). Each day we have breakfast together, and some days we have lunch and dinner together, but many of the times they will let us take off on our own and choose different eateries for ourselves.

Day 1: Start of tour in London

Welcome to London, the starting point of this Classic Europe tour! This morning, arrive at the hotel and meet up with the tour leader and tour group. Begin the European adventure with a city tour, checking off top landmarks before indulging in a classic British roast lunch at a local pub — a must-do in London! Afterward, explore Westminster, home to Big Ben and Westminster Abbey, and catch a glimpse of Buckingham Palace. The rest of the evening is free to explore as you wish For a thrilling Victorian history experience, consider joining the immersive Jack The Ripper optional excursion this evening.
-Explore London’s top sights on a guided tour
-Enjoy a roast lunch at a traditional British Pub

Day 2: London - Paris

This morning, the tour travels to Paris! Cross the English Channel and travel through to the French capital. Upon arrival, embark on a driving tour of the "City of Lights" featuring iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Arc de Triomphe, and more! This evening, gather for a group dinner at a local restaurant and take the opportunity to plan your activities for tomorrow's free day. Be sure to get a good night's rest as an exciting day of adventure awaits tomorrow!
-See the highlights of Paris on a driving tour

Day 3: Paris: Free Day

Parisian adventures await! Opt for independent exploration today, soaking up the city’s charm, or join the jam-packed Paris+ excursion for a full day of guided discovery and activities. See iconic landmarks like the Arc de Triomphe and Champs-Élysées. Indulge in a macaron tasting, visit a perfume museum, cruise the River Seine with an included lunch, and enjoy a panoramic view from the Montparnasse Observation Deck. This evening, join the optional tour of Montmartre and choose to watch a dazzling cabaret show!

Day 4: Paris - Burgundy - Swiss Alps

Au revoir Paris!Today, savour the charm of small-town France with a lunch stop in Burgundy. Explore the town of Beaune, visit the beautiful Hospices de Beaune and sample renowned regional wines. Then, embark on a picturesque drive across the border into Switzerland, heading towards the Swiss Alps. Along the way, sit back and marvel at alpine forests, serene lakes, and majestic mountains. Finally, arrive in the Swiss Alps, your home for the next two days!
-Visit Beaune; wine capital of Burgundy
-Marvel at the views on a scenic Swiss mountain drive

Day 5: Swiss Alps: Free Day

Enjoy your free day breathing in the crisp Alpine air. Experience a guaranteed snow day at Jungfraujoch, the "Top of Europe" where snow covers the landscape year-round! Join the optional full-day excursion to this spectacular glacier which offers breathtaking views. The journey to the top provides panoramic vistas of mountains, lakes, and glaciers, making this trip a highlight in itself! Alternatively, explore at lower altitudes, wandering through the local town, sightseeing, and indulging in Swiss chocolate. Wrap up the day with an optional Swiss dinner featuring traditional Swiss cuisine!

Day 6: Swiss Alps - Pisa - Tuscany

Today, the tour trades snow-capped peaks for rolling Tuscan hills as it travels towards Italy. The first stop is the world-famous and UNESCO World Heritage Site of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Don't miss the opportunity to capture iconic shots at one of Europe's most renowned cultural landmarks! Next, continue the journey to the exquisite Tuscan region, celebrated for its wine, food, art, and architecture. Arrive and relax in Montecatini Terme, a charming spa town nestled northwest of Florence. Unwind with a glass or two of local wine, embracing the Tuscan atmosphere, or join the optional excursion for a fantastic dinner in the town.
-Enjoy a photo stop at the Leaning Tower of Pisa

Day 7: Tuscany - Florence - Rome

The journey continues through the beautiful Tuscan region today with the first stop being Florence. Enjoy an orientation tour of this enchanting Renaissance city renowned for its art and history. Afterward, witness expert local craftsmen at a leather-making workshop before enjoying free time to explore the city at your leisure. Or, join the optional excursion for a delectable, family-style Tuscan lunch. Next, continue to Italy's capital, Rome! Arrive and enjoy free time to discover this fascinating and ancient city before gathering with the group in the early evening for an included dinner.
-Explore Florence with your tour leader

Day 8: Rome: Free Day

Get ready for a free day in Rome! Today offers the opportunity to immerse yourself in Rome's ancient history, rich culture, and delectable cuisine. Consider joining a locally guided tour to explore the Colosseum and Roman Forum for insightful perspectives on ancient Rome. Alternatively, join the 'Conquer the Capital' optional excursion to see iconic sights like the Spanish Steps, Trevi Fountain, and Pantheon, along with a delightful lunch and gelato tasting. For independent exploration, venture to Vatican City to witness the renowned Sistine Chapel, adorned with Michelangelo's masterpiece on the ceiling — be sure to gaze up in awe!

Day 9: Rome - Venice

Experience the incredible diversity of the Italian landscape as the tour ventures onward to Venice! This unique city spans across 118 islands and is famous for
its canals, gondolas, Venetian masks, piazzas, art, and traditional crafts like glass and lace making. Look forward to seeing iconic landmarks like St. Mark's Square, the Grand Canal, and the Rialto Bridge. The evening is yours to indulge in Venetian delights as you wish. Enhance your experience by exploring Venice from the canals — join the An Evening in Venice optional excursion for gondola and water taxi rides as well as pizza or pasta for dinner for a truly unique perspective of this floating city!
-Explore Venice, Italy’s floating city

Day 10: Venice - Innsbruck - Munich

Farewell, Italy, Guten Tag Germany! Today, the tour journeys to Germany's vibrant capital of the Bavaria region, Munich. En route, stop in Innsbruck, Austria, and embark on an orientation tour. Visit the Golden Roof Museum and marvel at the Gothic architecture before enjoying free time for lunch. Next, continue to Munich. While famous for Oktoberfest, Munich boasts a rich history beyond its beer halls. Join an orientation tour with your tour leader to discover the city's highlights and delve into its fascinating past. Tonight, raise a glass and toast to your adventure in a traditional German beer hall, immersing yourself in Bavarian culture and cuisine!
-Visit the captivating Austrian city of Innsbruck
-Discover Munich on an orientation tour
-Say prost in a traditional German beer hall

Day 11: Munich - Rhine Valley

Continue the German adventure this morning by heading to the enchanting Rhine Valley. Arrive in one of the most picturesque areas along the Rhine River and embark on a cruise along its waters. This region boasts the most concentrated stretch of castles in Europe, set against striking cliffs, medieval fortresses, and historic vineyards that line the river banks. The cruise ends in Boppard, a UNESCO World Heritage town renowned for its exceptional wine! Sample some of the region's wine, the Riesling is a must-try, and learn more about Rhine Valley varietals in an included tasting. Finally, check into the hotel for the evening and enjoy an included dinner.
-Enjoy a Rhine River Cruise

Day 12: Rhine Valley - Amsterdam

Say “Auf Wiedersehen” to Germany this morning as the tour heads towards the Netherlands! Pause in the Dutch countryside to learn about some of the country's renowned local products. Sample delicious Dutch cheese and witness the traditional craft of clog making. Then, visit the Riekermolen Windmill to capture memorable photos before continuing to Amsterdam, the vibrant Dutch capital. Discover the city's highlights on a relaxing canal cruise, soaking in the sights and stories. Enjoy free time before tonight's dinner at a local restaurant.
-Enjoy an Amsterdam canal cruise

Day 13: Amsterdam - Bruges - London

The tour continues to London today! The first stop is the medieval city of Bruges, in Belgium. Enjoy free time in the city to wander cobblestone streets, admire historic architecture, sample Belgian chocolate, and indulge in Belgian waffles! Afterward, embark on the final leg of the journey back to London. Cross the English Channel and return to London by the end of the day. This evening, why not say farewell the festive way with a delicious, optional curry dinner on the famous Brick Lane?
-Visit Bruges; a medieval Belgian city

Day 14: End of tour in London

COMMENTS

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immortalxkiss
16:39 Oct 17 2024

That sounds like it's going to be an amazing trip!

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STABB666
17:57 Oct 17 2024

This sounds like an adventure.

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Cartomancer
19:30 Oct 17 2024

And all by myself, so my free days will be exactly the way I want them to be. Another good reason for me to be by myself is that I won’t be finished with school yet – so when I do go back to my room in the evenings, I am going to need to be alone to concentrate on that.

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Cadrewolf2
20:24 Oct 17 2024

Love Tuscany my family came from there. Sounds like an amazing vacation.

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
21:08 Oct 17 2024

Ohhh! I am so excited for you! I want to go to Germany so badly. I have a lot of family there that I would love to go see. My father was first generation born in the U.S. My sister went summer of 2023 and had a blast.

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666sheol666
00:31 Oct 18 2024

Jungfraujoch is real beautiful and if you take the train up to the top will bring beautiful views of the surrounding mountains. I spent many a weekend in the area

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Weather is cooling down here, which is absolutely what I need. I’ll be able to do more walking out there. I’m falling into a window of introversion again, but I know all about my cycles, and it is what it is. Walks will help with that over time.

Halfway through my dreaded month of math. I don’t want to say anything about it until it’s over…

I’m planning a solo trip to Europe. 14 days. England, France, Switzerland, Italy, Austria, Netherlands, and Belgium. Although most of the trip will be guided tours, there are three cities I will have extra days in to do anything I want – one in the Swiss Alps (not exactly sure of the village), Paris, and Rome. Although I lived in Japan for two years, and I’ve taken many trips to Mexico… This will be my first time in this area of the world. My plan is to do it around this time next year. 🤞

I had a different trip planned that was London and Greece – but it was actually a godsend that all the slots were taken before I had a chance to lock it in. Because I was able to find this other excursion that will allow me to see so much more.

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STABB666
17:38 Oct 16 2024

Fantastic idea for a trip! Might cross paths with you. Lol

Good luck with the math....

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
21:07 Oct 16 2024

Oh that sounds like an amazing adventure! Some of those places are bucket list items for me for sure! I am both jealous and so excited for you!

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666sheol666
01:02 Oct 17 2024

Enjoy your tour of the countries you are visiting. I spent 7 years in Germany and my free time did travel

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Cartomancer
13:38 Oct 17 2024

I actually left out Germany from the list of spots… I’ll get the itinerary together and post it here.

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Have you ever not been hungry but still had a deep craving to eat something in particular?

I could very well do it – but I’d probably feel like super crap afterward. 😐

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
00:53 Oct 07 2024

I have been there... crave it so badly you can smell it, but not be in the slightest bit hungry.

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STABB666
03:16 Oct 07 2024

We're talking about food, right?

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Cadrewolf2
03:20 Oct 07 2024

Thought it wax dessert

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Cartomancer
02:43 Oct 08 2024

It was macaroni and cheese last night – I did it and absolutely regretted it.

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SireWallFlower
20:52 Oct 16 2024

Every. Single. Day. It's always cereal, and I binge eat and I'm getting fatter and it's sad.

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