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12 entries this month
14:44 Dec 26 2020
Times Read: 538
I hope everyone had a nice Christmas. I worked the Saints/Vikings game- and it wasn't a bad day at all. Everyone was in high spirits, and since the Saints WON... well, it was even better. I had the medication I needed to get through the day, and had no anxiety.
As we did a week ago, we were able to take home food brought in for the opposing team from a local restaurant (Drago's). Trust me, it's awesome grub! They feed those guys like the champs they are. It was nice because I couldn't cook since I worked the day. After that, a friend called and asked us to stop by to pick up even more food from their Christmas party earlier in the day (which included a huge dish of baked macaroni and cheese- my fave).
I was also able to speak to and old friend throughout the day which sent spirits even higher.
I didn't get anything for Christmas. But I got everything for Christmas :)
03:34 Dec 24 2020
Times Read: 570
Panic attacks are currently at bay with a new addition to the mix. Something that may be short-term... supposedly next month I will begin a new daily anxiety med. I really like what I have right now though. Hrmph.
18:18 Dec 22 2020
Times Read: 614
These are really confusing days. I still feel like Cymbalta is working in a lot of ways- but now I am wondering if it's are responsible for my increase in panic attacks (which are pretty much daily right now). I don't want to stop taking it because my depression is "better" and so is my pain. I'll see what can be done with my appointment tomorrow.
Also... I'm on super edge wondering if someone is stirring unwarranted shit and including me in it. It's never a good time for someone to be doing that- but now? Really? I could not be more confused. I want to be a positive for all of my friends. ONLY. Let me know if you feel I am failing and what it is.
22:38 Dec 16 2020
Times Read: 649
The last two days have been difficult. I could probably use some Xanax on top of my Cymbalta.
21:21 Dec 11 2020
Times Read: 688
I'm feeling low today, but the meds are keeping me in check. I have been able to be sad yet not get to the level of "despair"... I don't want to speak too soon- but that's where I am.
I had my last post-op appointment this morning from all the surgeries I have had, and the doctor says I now have zero limitations and am free to go be a ninja. lol That's something I need to focus on, how incredibly far I have come with self-improvement since this whole pandemic started. I had gotten half way to my goal before I had my surgeries and before I started this medication. I worked through a LOT of pain. And now, it's easier to work out. I feel like I will take it even further, but even if I don't- I am doing great. Since reaching my fitness goals, I have had 6 different people in my neighborhood I don't even know stop me to tell me they've followed my journey and can't believe the transformation. I have had male Marines running around the track flag me down to ask for fitness tips. People have caught my husband and pulled him aside to tell them they saw me and flipped out. I NEED to use that positive mental energy on myself. Why should I feel like a piece of shit when everyone else sees a champion?
23:07 Dec 10 2020
Times Read: 715
I feel so damn good today. The last few days I’ve been out there walking like a champ, easier than I have been doing it the last several months. And the last several months I thought I was fine. But now it’s just so much easier. I’m feeling good about myself, even when I look in the mirror. And that’s a crazy thing for me. I’ve never really like who I looked at in the mirror. Cheers for more of this.
I’ve come along way, and I’ve made so much progress. But I wasn’t able to truly notice, or feel the effort that I’ve put in. I don’t know why. No matter how far I’d come I never felt like I’d done enough. Now I feel like I have something to be proud of. I’m going even further, and I feel good about that- and know that I will make it.
17:38 Dec 09 2020
Times Read: 746
6th dose and still all is well. Going for a long walk, I hope :)
17:25 Dec 06 2020
Times Read: 779
To do:
-Walking
-another short-term fast
-catch up on reading
-more Spanish study
17:24 Dec 06 2020
Times Read: 780
So far just fatigue for any noticeable side effects on Cymbalta. I asked my FB connections who happened to be on it/or ever used to let me know how it worked for them. Some have had great results while others have responded with some alarming things. I am still hopeful and will stay the course.
Luckily for me I have one full week off of anything to do outside the home- so if anything happens I can go to bed if need be. My son has also only experienced fatigue from this. He started it as well as he experiences the same symptoms.
01:13 Dec 05 2020
Times Read: 824
Started Cymbalta today. We'll see how things might get better. I haven't taken anything for fibromyalgia, anxiety/depression in about 15 years.
01:46 Dec 03 2020
Times Read: 862
I had a broken AF moment last night. So broken I tweeted for help. I wanted it from people I didn't know. Like... even though I'm connected to people on Twitter I know IRL, most of them never pay attention to my Twitter, so I felt I could use it that way. I'd went as far as researching all the best hashtags to get a response for this... A few minutes later I got a call from my son and his fiance, as he was so sick his head was in her lap. He threw up and he was thinking he was having a reaction to a new prescription.
Over my son's life, I have often felt odd things when something was going on with him. Those things would be happening to me at the very moment something intense was happening with him. So when they called me, I had this feeling I should ask when exactly was he getting sick. Well... it was the very minute I'd sent my Tweet (since deleted). They went straight to my Twitter and saw the timestamp. He said in that moment he immediately felt better- because he knew he was really okay, and they spent the next hour on the phone with me until I was feeling better.
A little more than halfway through that phone call, someone I know well saw my Tweet and reached out. We spoke for another hour after I got off with Cristo. I felt better. I did, but I also felt horrible that I concerned people. My thoughts of finding strangers to talk things through to not alarm real world folks fell through. You hear, "just give me a call, send me a text"- but you don't want to do that. You don't want to alarm people. You want to find a way to work through it so they never know you were at that point.
I am strong and weak. I have been used by people, taken advantage of, defeated, misunderstood, and at a time in my life where complete transformation isn't happening quick enough. I am tired of waiting. It's hard for me to focus on what I have achieved when my mind can't stop zeroing in on everything that is still wrong. I need to keep a balanced perspective.
I would like to sleep for a few days. I'd also like to request no one sends me a PM here or on Facebook concerning this entry. I just want to say it outloud then move on.
19:47 Dec 01 2020
Times Read: 931
Would I sound like an alcoholic if I said it feels so damn good to be drunk at an early hour in the day? If so... whatthefuckever. I needed it. I've also done a lot of work around the house, so I've made good use of my time.
*****
My niece has ensured she'll laser all my other tats at no charge. So damn thankful for that. I hate some of these things. "Tattoos are forever", so said us way back in the day. I love the future :)
2 new tattoos idea my nephew-in-law will do eventually :D
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COMMENTS
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LORDMOGY
17:38 Dec 26 2020
Greetings,
Awesome!
CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
19:10 Dec 27 2020
I am glad you had a good Christmas!