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Yay another terrific morning. Tried to initiate something again. Got rejected. Again. The only time I haven't been was when I performed something on him yesterday. Even then, I didn't get anything. He just liked the fact that it was worsening my want for sex. Every other time he refuses to do anything with me. I don't know what to do anymore. He says that its not me, that he just doesn't want to do anything period. Well, he didn't mind me doing that yesterday. He wanted that. Just doesn't want anything else that has to do with me. And don't tell me that it was because it was the morning and he was tired, or he was sleeping. Do you know how many times he has woken me up for sex? With sex? Too many to count. And those were always the best times. He used to love it when I would wake him up like that. Not anymore, apparently. This really hurts.



To me, sex isn't just about the pleasure. Its about the connection, being so close to someone, allowing them to have all of you. But he doesn't want me. He shows no interest whatsoever. So why doesn't he want it? What changed? He says he still loves me, but I'm not sure anymore. When I knew he loved me, we never had this problem. We were very active sexually. It seems like the less sex we have, the worse we fight. Everything gets worse. We both get stressed out and frustrated.



I want him to want me. I want him to think I'm sexy, and beautiful. I want him to love me in every way. Hell, at this point, I would even do what I did for our 6 month anniversary. Maybe then he would be happy and want me. He just keeps telling me to masturbate. But I don't. I just don't do that. I never have. And its not the same. Yeah, I get pleasured, but thats not just what I want. I want him. If that was all I wanted I could get it anywhere. Not that I would. I'll never do that again. I want him to want to do something to me. I want him to make me happy. I need him too...

COMMENTS

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Valentine
14:54 Mar 30 2010

You should walk away. I know it sounds bad but you will hate him more if you stay. It sounds like he has gotten bored with you, and i know it's hard to walk away from the person you love but sometimes you have to do whats best for you.

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Had a huge fight with my bf yesterday. don't feel like getting into it really. I don't think he realized how much he hurt me. Or didn't care. I prefer to think the first. I know I've been a bitch, but no one understands my side of it. They just take his side of it. I don't care anymore. It hurts too much to care. I'm just going to stop trying. He gets pissed because I don't try to make friends, but he doesn't understand. I did try at first, but it didn't really go anywhere and everything was just awkward. It just wasn't going to happen. He doesn't understand it and just blames everything on me. He can't forgive me for anything, and he's always going to resent me for it. I wonder how long it will be. Even when I wasn't being a bitch he didn't act any differently. He didn't acknowledge it at all, so I just gave up. We haven't had sex in about a month and a half. Every time I try to initiate anything, he says he's tired or just flat not in the mood. That boosts my self-esteem a lot. He gets pissed off because I'm not happy, but why should I be? He wants nothing to do with me sexually, we barely talk anymore. Even when we do go out he is texting another person the entire time. He talks to them more than he does me. I must look great in their eyes. They hear all the bad things and everything from his side, but none of mine. There goes any chance of them actually maybe liking me. It's awesome. Well, if they do talk him into ending it, it'll be an adventure. Figure I'll work up enough money to buy myself out of my lease than just take off. Go to another state, work for whatever I need. Who knows? Ought to be pretty fun. We'll see.