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14 entries this month
22:04 Aug 30 2014
Times Read: 895
Last night I had a chance to speak with my daughter in private. I asked her why she had been so upset while we were out. It turns out that while we were at the book store she saw a few books that she really liked, one in particular but after we had spend money on lunch, bought jeans for her boyfriend(because she despised his shorts), planned on buying a repair kit for her phone and were also buying her new gauges; she couldn't bring herself to ask us to spend another $16. She saw things she wanted and couldn't have and it made her upset but she didn't want to say anything about it.
I know she felt bad about being a brat. I bought one of the books online and everything is mostly alright in her world. Losing the turtle to be taken into consideration. Her boyfriend promised that when she is ready he will buy her a new pet. What he said was new turtle but she shook her head to that, I told him rat not turtle. To that she agreed.
There have been other dramas in the last 24 hours, not ours though they affected us in a way.
This evening everything is back on track.
01:00 Aug 30 2014
Times Read: 903
Today was busy and stressful with a bit of suck added. It was supposed to be fun and relaxing.
Woke up on time and spent the coffee drinking hour cleaning house. On top of the usual morning mess the cats had been in rare form, turning my house into the appearance of a gutter punk meth squat.
Went to pick up my daughter's boyfriend to spend the day and then came home. Went back out to kill time while waiting for 1 o'clock, ended up at the Goodwill.
Today the walking all day wiped me out. All of this week I have worked hard to keep up the housework because the effort makes me feel better. I have been on my feet every day; dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, washing and folding laundry, plus the other every day stuff. Yesterday picking my right foot high enough off the ground to step over a shoe was a chore.
So today, walking, shopping, the high school, the mall, groceries(for one dinner!). By the time we pulled in the drive I was ready to kick off my shoes and put my feet up but instead I am met with disaster, before the groceries are even put away.
My daughter's turtle died. I know that we did all we could but I can't help thinking that she feels like a crushing failure. Turtles are not exactly easy. Especially when you are starting from scratch. We asked for advice at the pet store when we got the little thing and the woman we asked was completely vile. She called me stupid, told me I would kill or abandon it and then went on to tell me that the tips I had gotten online about food and filters was wrong. The only food was the pellets and the filters were dangerous and worthless. Told us not to even bother with a filter.
Had she been more helpful instead of spiteful I think the turtle would be alive.
Even with that, pretty bad and sad, I think something else was eating my daughter but she would not say what. She was ok when we got her but at the mall she seemed listless and distracted. She kept saying she was fine but I think it was a lie. Initially we were supposed to be meeting a friend of hers there, she wanted to introduce him to her boyfriend but her boyfriend got nervous about meeting one of her platonic guy friends.
During our time there she was short with him and at times dismissive. She relaxed on the way home but was further upset by the turtle.
Now I am tired and still need to make dinner and the stress in the house is as thick as the humidity.
15:29 Aug 28 2014
Times Read: 907
While my daughter's Birthday is on Labor Day, we will be celebrating it on Friday. The boyfriend will be picked up early to spend the day with Me and Myth. The dinner she picked is Taco Salad, I may splurge and buy avocado.
16:30 Aug 27 2014
Times Read: 915
This year my daughter's birthday once again falls on Labor Day.
She will be running us all over town to do her bidding before Myth goes back to work and then she will terrorize her boyfriend's family.
21:36 Aug 16 2014
Times Read: 931
My break from social networks is not going as I had hoped.
The reason for the break; over stimulation. Sometimes I feel like I have a lot to say and I realize after an hour of typing that not only is my point going to be completely missed but my thoughts might not be appreciated. This leads to an internal discussion about why I feel it is so important to take part in a discussion about a subject of which no rational discussion can be held. This leads to deletion of the comment I just spent an hour typing, editing, retyping, spell-checking, punctuation checking, editing again and...imagine a person doing this to themselves for two days straight. Maddening, isolating and down right depressing. I also don't do depressed very well. I am an angry and somewhat violent depressed person who is more likely to throw a hammer at a person who offers to help, especially if it leads to tears(mine). When I am depressed, I want to be left the hell alone.
Spending my sit down time looking at news, meme's and tributes only deepens my feeling of isolation and so it really was best for me to not participate. Over the last few days I did still occasionally visit. I even shared a couple of tumblr posts. Joining tumblr because it is specifically not social.
I also spent an evening watching a Mickey Rooney film posted by a friend on Google+. I finished a book. I cleaned and then messed up the house again. Cooked, cleaned, hung out with the kids and Myth.
The subjects which sent me into hiding kept rearing their heads. When I checked my Yahoo mail and when we went out in public. I could not get away. Some of the discussions were shocking and others not so much. Myth goes back to work in the morning and I will try this again. I will make a concentrated effort not to even log on. It is much harder than it sounds but I need to decompress.
16:30 Aug 13 2014
Times Read: 952
Taking a few days off from social networks.
I can be reached via Google, telephone, front door and carrier pigeon.
Probably not telephone though.
02:26 Aug 12 2014
Times Read: 967
Nope, nothing I can do.
Not gonna dwell.
There are bigger more important things being pushed aside tonight, not even being mentioned.
05:41 Aug 10 2014
Times Read: 980
Sometimes I feel like a miserable selfish person and you know, maybe I am.
I never had a good relationship with my parents.
When I was a kid they were everything. Life was what we made of it even when it was hard.
I believed in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and God. I believed that Daddy's were good and Mommy's were scary. I believed that being the new kid meant being a lonely kid.
I grew into a teen that who hated being lied to.
At first I was just angry. I still tried to know my parents and be a part of a family but it just never worked.
Even today I can't live down the one thing I did once; at least with my dad. He will bring it up like it happened today.
My mother has a life of her own. She got a new man and a new kid and now her life is picture perfect. The kids she terrorized are her peers and her grandchildren are decorations. Like jewelry or art she shows them off as a symbol of status and they don't really mean a thing to her. She doesn't demand attention and her, I can live and let live. We are separate.
My father though. The drunk, the gambler, the cheater, the reason I was beaten and uprooted so many times. I never believed he was abusive but I thought abusive meant he was violent. When emotional and drunk he can be frightening but his real power of abuse is in control and emotional manipulation. He made his wife his world. She was so isolated in the end that my dad didn't even have anyone for himself. I couldn't stand him.
Today he is lonely old man. Boorish in behavior, still a drunk but he also has a touch of Dementia. Not enough to warrant locking him up but enough that he seems to relive the same day over and over. Telling the same jokes 3 times in the same conversation. wondering why no one wants to talk to him. I should feel something like guilt but instead I only feel annoyance. He made his bed, did he really expect us to want to take care of him?
I think he tried to be something to my brother and sister but they were angry kids the violent stability they had growing up had been broken. They both felt they had nowhere to turn and I suppose they found their way. It was too late for me. I felt like in some way I was always on my own. I separated myself from my family. Refused to make friends, refused to find roots. I don't know if I even really know how to socialize. I do try though.
I think that counts for something.
Tonight Dad called. I don't even know why I answered the phone. Lately the conversation always turns the same when he starts to lament that he will never see me and my kids again. I hate to lie because I hate to be lied to but I spare his feelings and tell him they are busy. The truth is he makes them uncomfortable. He is intrusive and walks into my teenage daughter's room any time he wants without knocking or asking permission. He plays board games and card games with the kids but with him it isn't fun. He is an absolute bully. He cons them and ridicules them while they play. It isn't fun. I can't tell him that the kids don't like him. They liked their Grandma; loved her. She was the one they wanted. Grandpa was just a weeping drunk who broke their toys.
I guess it makes me a bad person. A selfish person. That is why I still answer the phone when he calls.
04:59 Aug 09 2014
Times Read: 1,001
I must be pure evil.
I just watched three chick flick teen movies in a row and by the third I had pulled Myth into watching it with me!
It was some fun.
Started with Just One of the Guys.
Followed by She's All That and then Not Another Teen Movie!
16:56 Aug 08 2014
Times Read: 1,014
I do not know what to do with my time today.
18:00 Aug 07 2014
Times Read: 1,039
A month or so ago I got an old Betty Crocker cookbook. It has pictures of the techniques and excellent descriptions of how to do them. Maybe today is a good day to attempt the bread making again.
I had quit trying because it got frustrating. I would put in the effort and after the initial chaotic excitement over fresh baked bread rather than store bought sliced bread wore off I would end up with plenty of stale bread for crouton making. Not that I mind that so much, I like croutons. It just felt like I was working too hard for them. what I really wanted was to make something that could be used for sandwiches and maybe toast.
I was thinking tomato soup would be good tonight and I think fresh bread might be nice with it.
15:27 Aug 06 2014
Times Read: 1,056
I love getting good news first thing in the morning!
After a very scary day and night of worrying over Myth's back troubles we heard from the VA this morning. X-rays are normal! It looks like he pulled a muscle, just rest and meds and he should be good to go.
01:28 Aug 04 2014
Times Read: 1,073
Myth is home tonight, driven so by his terrible back pain. He is supposed to take it easy and try to rest.
We will just see if he can.
02:20 Aug 02 2014
Times Read: 1,094
It was a busy day.
Shopping, shopping, shopping and then lunch.
I have no idea how it wore me out except that I seem to be worn out all of the time this week. I think it is that pain in the neck. When it happened from the phone it lasted a couple of weeks so hopefully it will be over soon.
We got home around 3 and I passed out in the bed shortly after and slept until 8! Disorienting! I saw the clock said 8 and thought Myth had let me sleep in. In truth he had, for nearly 5 hours. I am still tired.
I don't really feel like cooking because I am not hungry just now. I think I will just focus on chores.
Tomorrow is another big day with grocery shopping, trip to the dump, I think rearranging the shed some before going to get my new oven. Not replacing the current cooking implement, this one will be my secondary oven for those occasions which call for the baking of multiple items at once. We will pick it up tomorrow.
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COMMENTS
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Isis101
00:01 Aug 31 2014
A *sigh* of relief.