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3am Ramble
08:26 Apr 26 2010
Times Read: 720

I made a pot of sauce with meatballs and sausage for dinner tonight. Not entirely the point here. I had some friends over and for those in the know, it was a tad awkward. Not for me necessarily because I'm capable of separating the issues at hand. I think it may have been weird for the other party involved.

Anyway...I'm trying to make a point. I don't really know what it is. It's basically a matter of putting myself into a situation with my eyes wide open and understanding the potential consequences should it fall apart. It really could be devastating or it could be nothing more than a bump. I'm not really sure. I suppose that's part of the problem.

Because I'm the "new kid" I'm not entirely sure what to expect out of this group. I've got a pretty good idea of who to trust and who I can or cannot confide in. (It's not hard to figure out who the gossipers are, just listen for the gossip). What I do know is I really enjoy my time with him.

I enjoy our conversations. I enjoy just hanging out and watching movies. I enjoy going out to dinner. I enjoy the laughter, the comfortableness and I enjoy what he does for my ego. I'll be 34 in ten days and this amazingly handsome, sexy 25yr old wants to hang out with me, misses me and thinks I'm amazing.

The problem you ask? There's a couple. Number one, he has a girlfriend. Number two, he has a bit of a different take on relationships/love than I do. Number three, our relationship beyond friendship has to remain completely hush, hush from the rest of the group we associate with.

I understand his view on love. I just can't explain it. The reason I understand is because it's, in a way, what I'm looking for with a touch more of something called monogamy. I need to be with someone who isn't afraid to let me do my own thing. Who isn't afraid of my independence and at the same time can “put me in my place”. I need someone as strong, if not stronger willed than I am. He gives me all of that.

I'm not saying I'm falling for him. He’s just given me a taste of what I’m looking for. He has qualities I was beginning to think didn’t exist. I like him, I care about him, but, I cannot and will not allow myself to take this any further or any more serious than what it is. Hence the reason I continue to see other guys. The issue is he’s admitted to having feelings for me. This may sound a bit cold hearted but, they’re his feelings and they are for him to feel. The cool thing is that’s exactly how he feels about it. It’s his love to have and it’s not my obligation to return those feelings. He doesn’t pressure me. I like that.

The right thing to do? Walk away and leave him alone. And yet, that is the complete opposite of what I am doing. I don’t want to walk away. I don’t want to leave him alone. I don’t want to go back to just being friends. I want to ride this out and see where it takes me. And yes, I’m willing to meet with the consequences. Let’s hope it’s nothing more than a bump in the road.

COMMENTS

I Need This Space
06:31 Apr 07 2010
Times Read: 746

It occurred to me the other day I haven't been using this space as much as I use too. I've noticed a difference in my attitude because of it. I need this space. It's my place to vent. It's where I can talk about the things which are bugging me. It's my safe place. My journal is my sanctuary and I need to utilize it's healing power.

I've been keeping a journal off and on for about 20 years now. Up until now it's always been in random notebooks. Not necessarily something I want just anyone to run across but at the same time I don't care. I guess it's why I appreciate this journal the way I do. I can express myself here in a semi anonymous way. The people here who know me in real life know I'm the same person on line and off. I think the difference is the people I've met through here are also genuine. They are people I feel I can trust. Not everyone in my life is like that.

We all have different faces and attitudes we put on depending on what group of friends or family we are around. There's nothing bad about it. It's not that I care what anyone thinks it's that I don't always feel like stirring the shit pot. Sometimes it's just best to leave things be. Which means not everyone who knows and loves me needs to know every teansy tiny detail of my life. There are privileged few with that knowledge and they will be my friends forever because they know too much. :p

But what this journal is to me is a portion of my soul. It's a window I allow people to look through to see me. It's my place of healing. And in some small way maybe a way to reach out to others and let them know they don't struggle alone. We all struggle to find purpose, desire, love, friendship. It's being able to share the triumphs and defeats which makes it worth the struggle. I am not alone.

I own these words. They come from my mind, my heart. It's the process of putting them out there for others to see which pushes me to not only own the words but, the actions and responsibilities behind them. I make these choices and I will bear the consequences of my actions.