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When all I really need is love and attention, I get put on the backburner. I can't do it all on my own, I need just a little bit of help to get me going. Tonight something triggered it again...the crying, the sense of loneliness...the cut. Nothing ever comes out right, so there's no point in trying. Here are a few things I wrote in my own journal tonight.



Medication please numb the pain.

Medication will you be my friend?

Medication I've lost it again.



Lost in a world so dumb.

While I'm stuck inside...mentally numb.



Just disappear for a day

Never come back

Never stay.



What have I done?

Who have I become?

When will I be gone?

So me, my mom, and my sister drove out there...We got lost the first time, but turned around and finally decided to go down this tiny gravel road by this huge cornfield. It was even a creepy ass drive..we got about 2 minutes down the road, and this red neck looking house was there, and this stupid ass dog comes runnin out tryin to bite my tires n shit. I almost ran the little asshole over, every time I tryed to speed back up, he ran right in front of me..I made it out of that part though! lol. So we're drivin a little farther, all the while with my mom freakin out saying she wants me to turn around, but there was no where to turn around anyway. We finally made it to a dead end, which was "the tunnel!" (It's called Satans Tunnel cause Devil worshippers used to "own" it)

There was already a car there, but those people were like up in the woods somewhere. So I parked the car, turned off the ignition, and me and my sister hesitated whether or not we should walk up there cause there was already someone else there..we finally just said fuck it, we're goin. So we left my mom in the car (hah) and walked up to the tunnel..it was very creepy at first, I had a weird feeling about it. We walked all the way through it, all the while feeling very cold. We made it through the tunnel. We turned around, and walked back through it, but this time stopping in the middle of it for a while. We stood there, and just listened. We actually did hear something like a train coming through. (Which is what the urban legend is suppose to be about, plus the old bum that died there cause of death unknown, and his face was frozen of fear) It was a very neat experiance, and I'd deffanintly like to go back.

Maybe Im just a little too into the "dark side" but I get all excited about this kinda stuff. I had to write about it :) I have no idea what Im doin today, hopefully somethin fun and spooky. I got my sister here for a couple days, so we might go to a haunted house or do some of our freaky ouija board shit. I should be gettin some sleep soon..I wanna wake up half ass early tomorrow and get prepared for the day. If anything happens that is worth wasting mine and your time to write about, then I'll write some more later.

So I went to the flea market today..yes, cheap stuff. I like it, get over it. lol. I got some new belly rings and this knife that has a goddess on the handle. It goes into this stand that has skulls on it. Its pretty nifty. I had to wake up hella early just to go though, and me and mornings and lots of people DON'T MIX WELL. So I knew I was bound to get bitchy about someting, and sure enough, I did. I was pissy after a while, cause of the fact there was so many people there, and it was still pretty fuckin quiet. So I bitched about that..and I bitched cause I didnt have any cigarettes on me..and I smacked myself in the head because of that lol. and these people were staring at me thinking I'm nutty (which I am) but I can't stand it when people stare in the first place. Other than that, I was a well behaved girl :)

ooooh, I also found out I'm getting a tattoo for my birthday! People offerered to help me pay for it (which basically means they're paying for all of it lol) I want to get a lower back tattoo. I have a pretty good idea of what I want, I know I want a scorpion with tribal. Just not sure the EXACT design yet. so I have to take time to think of what I want to make it purrfect. Any ideas, that would be great!

I don't know what happened. All of a sudden, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I was watching a movie on Lifetime, it was about these houses built on a cemetary (also based on a true story) people started getting sick because of these paranormal things happening in their house. Anyway..that has nothing to do with why I got sick. I don't know what provoked it, but I went to the bathroom...nothing happened. I started to get really pale, my lips were the lightest color of pink and blue. My mouth was so dry, I couldn't even spit. I seriously felt like I was dieing. Not close to death, DIEING. I wanted to die at that point. So I ran some water in the bathtub, thought about laying in it, then something changed my mind. I went back out into the living room to tell my mom I wasn't feeling well at all. She looked at me and said "Amber, you need to stop using those tampons, you're going to get toxic shock syndrom!" LOL. I said, mom, you're not a doctor, it's not the damn tampons I'm using. I was walkin around the house, barely able to stand up, fanning myself. I tried to lay down, but the more I did that, the more the stomach pains hurt. I finally went back to the bathroom, and made myself throw up. That was my last resort. It was fucking disgusting, and it makes me sick to think that some girls actually do that on a regular bases to stay skinny. I finally started to feel a bit better... I came back out of the bathroom, and my dog was waiting for me the whole time. She looked at me as if to ask me what was wrong. I finally was able to lay back down, without feeling so much of the pain. I finally fell asleep... I just woke up about 20 min ago, and I feel so much better now. I don't know what provoked me to get sick like that in such an unpredictable time, but it was the most terrible experiance I've had in a long time. My parents think I'm on drugs..that's not the case. I almost felt like I was experiancing something a heroine addict would...for a while there, I felt like I was in my cousins shoes. I still think it should have been me... anyway, enough of that, I don't want to get depressed. The only good thing I get outta being sick, is getting very spoiled. I always get a slushie when I'm sick. It cheers me up more than anything, don't ask why. So, when my dad gets home, I'm goin to the gas station to get a slushie! and that's the highlight of my night. Good bye.

It's my favorite fuckin month. I've been drunk 2 days in a row though, I dont know if thats so good. Theres times when I like to be drunk, and dont, and this time I dont. Dont mistaken me for a crazy drunk craved party girl, cause thats not me at all. I dont turn to alcohol when Im feeling down. I dont turn to drugs (probably because I dont have money haha!) The only thing I really like anymore is pills. Pills to numb me up, so I cant feel so much of the pain anymore. And DO NOT mistaken me for emo, cause I fuckin hate that new label, and everyone whos proud to be emo should die already. I cant wait for halloween! I wanna do some freaky shit..I just dont know what yet haha. Me and my mama are gonna go investigate this so called "Devils tunnel" out in Hawk Point, which is only a town away. I'll let ya'll know how that goes if anything happens. My birthdays gonna be next month. I have a feeling its not gonne be a very good one..when is it ever? Anyways.I'll be 17! So I can do whatever the fuck I want, despite what my parents might think. My sisters moved out when they were 17, so why can't I? Only problem is I have no idea what comes next and where to move..I know I need to get some shit straightened out though with myself before I can actually say I'm happy. I hate the town I live in, and I hate most of the people. That makes me sound so cold..I hate to use the word "hate" but when your left with no choice, its kinda hard not to.... I cant wait for Halloowen!!! hahaha. Okay...Haloowen! Thats enough. Peace out ya'll. (remind you, Im a little tipsy)

I drank waaay too much last night. A couple jello shots, 3 beers and a couple hits of pot. Who likes to get fuuuucked up?! haha. I need another beer. Only thing I didn't like was that whore trying to dance all over every guy there. I guess there's gonna be once of those at every party though right?!