Ok, so I am a terrible person11:57 Jun 01 2023
Times Read: 296
... yep, I am a terrible person, but I am so NOT your grief counselor. No, not you, dear reader, but my father's wife. The last almost 5 months of dealing with her have been almost unbearable. To say that she is histrionic is the understatement of the year. After asking her countless times, nicely and in writing, to please stop calling me between the hours of 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., I finally blocked her number. I just can't. I haven't been able to deal with my own emotions over his death because I put her first. Someone that I had absolutely ZERO relationship with prior to my dad's passing.
You see, I found out many years ago that she and my father had been having an affair since I was about 1 year of age. Even still, I didn't hold her completely responsible. I know that an affair takes 2 people. I tried to like her, I really did. But, man the things that woman can say to your face are almost untenable. My first visit and the first time ever meeting her, she told me that I was pretty for a fat girl. Yes, she actually said that. Oh, and my dad let her say that to his only child. Ok, I thought. She is not from the U.S. and English is not her first language, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt... that time. The next time I was in Orlando was for the funeral of a dear friend from college who died in a car accident with her very young daughter. My dad offered for me to stay with him for the weekend and I decided that it would be nice to see him, so I opted to stay with him rather than in a hotel. I was coming from the shower and had gone into my room. I started changing clothes when I felt the strange sense that someone was looking at me... oh, yes... her. She was in my room gathering some laundry and did not bother to speak when I entered the room. Instead, she just stood there. I quietly redonned my towel and got my clothes and went into the bathroom to change. When I came out, she was snooping through my suitcase. I swear. She made all kinds of derogatory comments about my clothing and toiletries. Weird. It was just awkward, but I still tried to chalk it up to cultural differences. The third time I visited my father, she and he had started smoking in the house which meant that I could no longer stay there because one of the triggers for my asthma is cigarette smoke. No problem. I was happy to have the privacy of my hotel room. But, Soon (that is the she-devil's name) made comments that the reason I had asthma was because I was fat. Mind you, I was wearing a size 10 at the time and was not fat. I told my dad that I was done; that the next time I visited, he could come to eat alone. He actually did not blame me because he agreed that she was very rude to me. Oh, that wasn't the only negative, derogatory comment that she made to my face. Also, keep in mind that shortly after this visit my father and she-devil Soon were drinking hard liquor by the bottles regularly. My father also had a tendency to become verbally abusive when intoxicated and, now that he didn't have my mom to kick around, he turned his focus to me. To say that we had a strained relationship would also be an understatement. I decided that in order to have any level of sanity, I had to put some space between us, which wasn't hard to do. After I became a teenager, my dad left any relationship that we had solely for me to maintain. This is not an easy task for an adult, but it was even harder as a teenager. For years, I felt much guilt and allowed him to say whatever the fuck he wanted to me. After the funeral visit, I decided that there had to be some boundaries. I stopped calling him any time other than in the morning when I knew he was most likely to be sober. For 20 years, this was how I operated. I tried to call him every week, but many times he wouldn't answer the telephone, so we would go for months without any contact except for the occasional email.
Anyway, I can't even remember all the things that I endured over the years, but it did get better after I established some boundaries. Fast forward to November of this year when I first learned that my father was ill. Of course, it was the middle of the night and I was on vacation in Gatlinburg. My phone rang in the middle of the night and I saw that it was she-devil, so I answered. She was sobbing uncontrollably and was wailing. I mean full-out wailing. After shaking myself awake and 10-15 minutes of trying to calm her down enough to assess the situation, she handed the phone to my father who explained to me that he was in the hospital. He told me that he had not been feeling well and the doctors thought he had COPD or congestive heart failure... "no big deal" he said. Right, dad. I told him I was leaving Gatlinburg and heading to Orlando. He told me not to come that he was fine and that I shouldn't worry. Anyway, I went. He was mad. He told me, "I told you, I am fine!" as he removed his oxygen tubes to light a cigarette. Ok, this entry is getting way long and rambly even for me. I guess I have more feelings on all of this that I thought.
Long story short, I learned that he had not just been diagnosed with COPD. He had it for years. I learned that he did not adjust his lifestyle at all and continued to smoke like a chimney and drink. I sat with him, crying and begging him to please make changes. I told him I did not want him to die. He cried and said he didn't want to die either. A breakthrough I thought. After he was discharged and was settled back at home, I returned to Birmingham. For several weeks, things were better. He and I talked every day. He said he was making changes, though I could still hear him smoking. Right before Christmas, my phone rang again in the middle of the night. Again it was she-devil. She said calmly "your dad is dead." I started panicking and crying at which point she started panicking and wailing... more wailing... I finally got her calmed down. I learned from a paramedic (thank you Oviedo Fire and Rescue) when I called 911 because she said that she would not, that he was found unresponsive THE DAY BEFORE and was taken to the hospital. I learned that she was with him in the hospital when she called me to tell me that he was dead. He was NOT dead. He was critical, but not dead. I also learned that she had to be escorted from the hospital by the police for calling 911 on the doctors and nurses at the hospital. Yes, like something out of a B-movie. I also learned that she had been interfering with his medical care by attempting to remove IVs, etc while he was in intensive care. Lord. I got in the car and headed to Orlando, my mom with me this time for support. We actually stayed with my dad's former secretary who we have remained good friends with.
After seeing my dad completely unresponsive and sedated on meds like Fentanyl, I knew he would not make it this time. Imagine trying to explain this to an elderly Korean woman who even though she had been in the U.S. for almost 30 years, still speaks only broken English. No, it was pretty horrible. My dad passed on 1/4. I stayed in Orlando as long as I could with work and helped she-devil to make arrangements. Well, I didn't help her because she left it all up to me and then criticized the decisions that I made. Of course, she said horrible things to me which I did my best to ignore. Upon my return to Birmingham, the middle-of-the-night telephone calls commenced. She would be wailing and speaking jibberish every time. I would spend hours on the phone with her in the middle of the night. I paid all of her household bills because she had no idea how to do so. She called me hysterical (in the middle of the night) because she had no money. She had completely depleted the $25K that he had in his checking account and had not transferred money from savings. I learned that she had hired an attorney and bought a round-trip ticket to Korea along with other things like jewelry. I helped her transfer money and put her in touch with someone at a local Korean church that could help me communicate with her. She refused to talk to the person from the Korean church. She just continued to call me in the middle of the night. About a month after he passed, I told her that the middle-of-the-night calling was going to have to stop. I explained that most things could wait until the morning and gave her a window of 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. during which she was free to call me. I told her attorney the same thing. I wrote her an email and conveyed the same. I wrote her attorney (who is also Korean) an email and said the same thing, hoping that he could communicate this to her in a way she could understand. Fast forward to now and she is STILL calling me in the middle of the night. Literally, about every night. I have been turning my phone off at night but have not been able to use my meditation apps, etc that I have on my phone because I have to turn it off if I want to get any sleep.
I have kept all of my feelings to myself and she has been horrible to me, offering her unasked for take on my life. Last week, I finally had enough. She told me that I was a "terrible daughter" and that she was going to get her "Korean attorney" to fix my dad's will so that I would get nothing and "be miserable forever." I guess she forgot that I have a great job and am not and never did rely on my dad or his will to survive. Anyway, enough. I blocked her number and have no plans of unblocking it. I wonder who she is wailing to in the middle of the night? In the relatively calm space between last week and today, I realized that I have not had the chance to grieve my father's death at all. Instead, I have been playing grief counselor to Soon. This week has been eye-opening to say the least. I just want to yell at everyone, "I am NOT your fucking grief counselor!"
I think my emotions have been compounded by the death of my friends this past weekend.
Even though I know that I am completely justified in blocking Soon from calling me, I still feel guilty. I guess I feel like a terrible daughter somehow. I don't know. I guess it is time to go back to counseling and hope that I can unpack some of these feelings in a safe environment.
I really did not mean this journal to be so long. Anyway, if you have read this far, thanks for listening/reading. Please no negative comments.
COMMENTS
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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
17:45 Jun 04 2023
Ugh! I am sorry you have to deal with that. Maybe the answer is to block her again and not allow her to dictate your phone use... easier said than done right? I will never understand why some people behave the way they do. Definitely sounds like a toxic individual that you don't need in your life. *hugs* You know she is the bad guy here so don't let her make you feel bad about yourself! You are the only one that has the power to dictate how someone makes you feel; you have the power to not allow her to bother your zen. :) We both know you are awesome! :) *kicks the lady in the shins and wags my finger at her while telling her to fuck off, for you*
TurquoiseKitsune
19:24 Jun 04 2023
I’m sorry hun *hugs*
Vampirewitch39
20:48 Jun 04 2023
What CTD says.