16:17 Jul 12 2015
Times Read: 1,067
I posted more ads on Craigslist. I mean, hopefully my project will get across this summer. Its just hard to make time. I do two jobs, 7 days a week. At times when it rains during the weekend or I need to take care of something, it eats away at my free time. Monday through Wendays I'm too busy. Working a total or 9 hours split between two jobs. The first having less pay than the latter. Between the two, I give myself an hour lunch break at home, which might consist of paying a bill or, buying stuff for the house and grabbing something to walk with. The other two hours, I walk to work, for an hour and 15 minutes, arriving early to relax a few minutes before I walk in.
Thursdays I have a long first shift, so, no time for job number two and Friday I just work a short shift so I can relax, or see fireworks, do art, etc. Doesn't mean there might not be a work emergency where I do an extra hour at job one. So its always good that I have 3 hours in between.
The other day someone said, oooo, walking to work, so what ya saving up for? Rent. LOL harsh reality. Weekends are short shifts but if the other job needs me to do a waxing or if a cleaning gig from Craigslist answers, then I take what I can get.
Supporting a family of 3 isn't easy.
Its hard to make everyone happy. It's hard to be independent. But its the life I know. I'd do anything for those I love.
The money I get asking. Man, I use that for food while I save my bank account for rent. Which empties itself to food. We aren't on food stamps. And I never want to be, unless I'm old. But I do try for food pantry when I can.
As for art supplies, most of that is from years of buying art supplies lol. It gets expensive too. But it's worth it.
I'm wondering where I can buy a cheap parasol near me. Because if I ask at the beach, I want to be able to see on my phone.
I regret not doing my group thing yet. I don't think it will grow this year but I'll still build into it. See, I'd also love to be a free thinking teacher of sorts. Not exactly a teacher, but an art leader. Someone you can go to, be friends with, exchange art ideas, art, snacks, or even just relaxing near each other and making art.
You want to know a little about me? I'm trying to fix my mental illness. I have borderline personality disorder. And even though I do so much for people and love them... I'm lonely. I want to be more than what people cursed me with.
How did I get like this? First traumatic experience - my dad didn't want me. So I knew at an early age, that I didn't need him either. Sure, I stood up for myself. I played enough pranks on him to make him stop asking for visitation. Which, might I add, he didn't care for. Probably pushed by his family. He never paid child support, or and the times he was made to during court, he paid the least he could.
I wasn't a boy. Not what he wanted. Unimportant.
And people say we don't need feminism. Hah.
During my life, a lot of my family died. My two aunts. My grandma. That's all I basically had.
In school, particularly, art classes, I got in with ease. Then came the harsh criticism. That's not right. That might offend people. This is garbage. Lets leave you off the yearbook. You're not good enough! You're not good enough! You don't deserve an award. Oh that thing you were working on? I guess it, disappeared. Of course your mom would like your art, because she's your parent. Now you can hang it on the fridge.
Panic attacks. My heart would beat in my throat. I didn't know why I felt like that. So, I didn't explain it to my therapist that it was panic. She'd just shrug it off, oh, art is objective.
And my friends... They would invite me somewhere and ditch me. Or go home after an hour. Or say they were going to meet me and just not show up at all. God why. It hurts. Can't you people see that it hurts?
But anyway. This is what shaped me.
You know why I love art? Because it's my best friend. Always there for me. And people, not teachers, but the public eye loves it. I love making them feel loved. Like they're worth being art. Giving back to the community.
And I swear, this, is a step in the right direction. :)
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