Nice to have a shared opinion.09:44 Sep 30 2009
Times Read: 816
From "Best of" Craig's List
FROM YOUR Bartender
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Date: 2007-04-22, 3:52PM PDT
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Someone once pointed out to me the fact that there seems to be a micro-economy in the service industry. Restaurant workers take their tip money out to bars and clubs at night and give it to the bartenders, who promptly return it to the waiters and waitresses the next day at lunch. The cycle is almost self-sufficient and is mutually beneficial. Knowing the pain of waiting on customers, each group tips the other well and never raises a fuss. These people do not need to be educated. The rest of you do.
Many of us have stood in a noisy, crowded bar and asked, "What's a guy got to do to get a drink around here?" Well, you're about to find out. Here are some Do's and Don'ts that will keep the relationship between the bartender and bar patron running smoothly.
DON'TS
Fail to have your money ready
We're waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule #1: Have your shit together. Not only will following Rule #1 get you served quicker in a bar, it's a good general rule to adopt in life and is especially helpful in Central American border crossing scenarios.
Whistle
This is an absolute No-No. You whistle at dogs and pretty ladies, not people.
(it's me- don't snap your fingers or bang on the bar either)
Wave money
Oh, you've got a dollar!! I'll be right over!! Hopefully I won't break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your "curz lite." Well, at least you're not breaking the next rule.
Yell out the bartender's first name
There's something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That's one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartender's do too. Mine is Pixie.
Say "make it strong!" or "put a lot of liquor in it"
Oh, you're one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong! When you say this, you're assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you're assuming that I'll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the best way to get a weak drink.
Give the ever-expanding drink order
You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no prob. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule #1.
Pull the redirect (or the bait 'n' switch)
Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, don't do that, okay? Chances are she's not ready, and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in 30 minutes.
Try the confused, lost look
This is usually accompanied by the question "What kind of beer y'all got?" while looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar, right? You didn't just appear here, did you? Refer to Rule #1.
Order High Maintenance shooters
Example: "Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop." Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation: Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you'll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Here's a clue as to whether or not you're high maintenance; if two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you're high maintenance.
Assume we know you're in the band
We know, we know, you're gonna be really famous, but you're not there yet, tiger. Tell us you're in the band and which band you're in. By the way, if you are in a band and get free/reduced drink prices, feel free to tip, as most bartenders are also in bands! It's not like we don't know how it is. Oh, and our bands will smoke your band.
Assume we know you period
Unless you've followed the first "Do" rule below, we don't remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that's invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell us what you want.
Apologize for sucking
Don't apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don't say "I'll get ya next time." We know all about you.
Assume soft drinks are free
Are they free at McDonald's? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth.
Put pennies and nickels in the tip jar
We don't want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don't have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17?
Be "The Microbrew Aficionado"
Usually a pseudo-hippy who can't tip a quarter but can't bring himself to drink "schwag," and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. "Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest?" "Does Anyone?" Here's your Newcastle. Go.
Be "The Daddy Warbucks"
Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. We hate you.
Be a "Whiney Baby"
Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, don't argue; we've seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you "don't have one" or "forgot it," forget it; you don't belong out on the town in the first place. That's the law, plain and simple. If we don't have the law, the terrorists win. You don't want the terrorists to win, do you? Bring your ID. Remember Rule #1, from a minute ago?
DO'S
Tip
Tip heavy right off the bat, and you're the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you'll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one.
Be patient
All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we'll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling. Remember, this isn't insulin we're passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you've got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.
Be an attractive female/male
As in life, this goes far.
If this comes across as a little petty, remember: bartenders are a jaded lot.
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Hi. This is me. I have been wanting to write this for AGES, especially after the last few weeks of weddings(duh). But by the time I made the list, I was too tired to type it all down. And yes, it is that big, and it IS all true.
Thank God for Craig's list. This is from "Best of" and is pretty much on the money. The only things I would add would be the following:
1) Don't walk behind my bar. I am responsible for everything back here, especially the money, and I don't appreciate a complete stranger just "popping back" to see what I have. That's what the display on the bar is for, jackass. And don't stand if front of me, LOOKING at the back bar that is FULL of liquor, and then ask me if we serve liquor. If you are that stupid you don't deserve to drink. Really.
2) Do NOT grab up the glass I am putting your drink in and do ANYTHING. Don't tip it back over the well because you don't want that much ice, or anything else. ASK me to do it, cause ya know what? That glass slips, I got broken glass in that well, and 30 minutes of my night is SHOT TO SHIT. It slows me down, and that keeps me from taking care of the people BEHIND you who did nothing wrong, they go to the other bar, and I'm out money. All because you couldn't open up your mouth and ask me to use less ice. And believe me, if you fuck up MY night, yours is going to suck HEAVILY afterwards. This also applies to the guy working for the Fortune 500 company who thought it was perfectly ok to dump the dregs of his glass of wine into my well because he wanted a glass of red this time around. I mean dude REALLY....
3) This one is sort of an addendum to one in the first half. If your KID doesn't have id, and I carded him, just because you TELL me at the top of your lungs that he/she is old enough does NOT magically make his/her id appear. I don't CARE if you have known him/her since birth, if he /she can't prove it to my satisfaction, and more importantly to the liquor board guy when he walks in, guess what? You giving him/her a drink doesn't help AT ALL. And if you can't act like a fucking responsible adult, what makes you think your kid is going to act like one?
4) Do NOT think that if you bow up at me you will get your way. That is the QUICKEST way I know of for me to cut you off. And if I do cut you off because you HAVE had too much, do not think you can bully/whine/beg your way back into drinking. I cut you off for a REASON. So man up, go home in a cab, and learn a little something we adults call restraint.
5) Last call means just that- LAST CALL. We ususally try and give it sifficiently ahead of time so we can take care of everybody. Do NOT think that you can sit on your ass until a minute before closing then come bulling your way up to the bar and expect to get a FUCKING thing. We have liquor licenses that specify what time we can serve, there are laws about when alcohol can be served, and offering me a wad of cash to give you something isnot only insulting since you guys RARELY have that kind of cash on you, but it is placing me in a compromising situation that could cost me my job. Whatever it is, you don't need it that bad. If you do, see the statement above about having a problem.
6) Just because you are the shizzle with all your little groupies does not mean I know or care what you are to them. Act like a human being and I will take excellent care of you. Act like a tiny dickhead, and the corrolary is obvious.
7) Do not give me the "look" when I tell you the price of things. And please don't treat me like I am holding you up at gunpoint. I am the BARTENDER, not the manager. I therefore did not set the price list. And as a sub set to that, do not look at the 7 reds and 6 whites I have for wine, then look at me and for the benefit of your friends ask "Is this the best you have/is this all you have?" If I had anything else to sell, it would be on the bar with the REST of the bottles, now wouldn't it...
All of this goes back to the "Thou shalt not piss off the bartender". We aren't trying to be assholes, but we have a job to do same as you when you work. You don't mess with our job, we won't make your night suck, deal?
COMMENTS
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Morrigon
21:16 Sep 30 2009
Oh my GOD...
I want to have it and yet.. I'm terrified.
How is it even comfortable to sit on/in?
Vampirewitch39
21:55 Sep 30 2009
I am so not going there...