22:13 Feb 28 2025
Times Read: 109
This past month has stepped over that line into being a little too much for me to handle. I went into the ER on the 11th. My nerve pain was out of control. I hadn't slept fully in days. If I did, it wasn't an actual sleep more of a passed out state. Then my whole side up to my back kept burning and hurting. It got to the point where if the sheet touched it, I would have to throw it off me. In the back of the ambulance, the tech gave me a pain shot. It didn't touch the pain. Because they couldn't see anything wrong with my side and they didn't know why my nerves were acting up, they gave me Lyrica, said it would be a hit or miss if it worked and sent me home. I listed off a few things that it may have been, but I was shut down.
Within that week I was having such horrible pain, I would sob. If I wasn't tense from the nerve pain, I was tense from clothing touching my side and just burning. I still kept up with my school work though! Arranging a photography exorcise while sobbing and making sure everything is working out okay and not trying to brush against my side and fight against the nerve pain was to that line of more than I can take. I have a very high pain tolerance, but this battle was really just too much. Not only was my psychical health taking a hit, my mental health was taking one as well. There was a bright spot that blossomed randomly within that week. It was one of the only things that I could look at and my spiral down would pause, if even for a short time.
On the 16th the rash came. The week before was the symptoms of shingles, which I had mentioned to the ER Dr. but what do I know? After doing some research I came across that the place where I had them, along my side and even some towards my back, was one of the most painful places to get them. Not only that but because shingles targets the nerves and them being in that area, they also tend to trigger neuropathy in areas from the waist down. The rash added more pain because they were to the surface and anything touching or even brushing on it made it unbearable. It also triggered my back pain. YeHaw.
Over 2 weeks of that constant pain wore me down. The silence wore me down. The empty feeling wore me down. The isolation wore me down. Holding on by myself wore me down. It has worn me down to the point where I've begun to question; my relevance, my self worth, my ability to not just thrive in book work, but will I actually thrive in practice. Also things like am I too much? Will I be too much? Will I be left behind? Will I be one of those people who are always meant for certain things to just be out of reach?
While I am healing, the rash almost gone and the nerve pain run it's course for the time, I'm still working through those things. This whole experience really did send me down far into that spiral. While there might have been doors to jump through to in order to at least not go so far down, I just couldn't see one that was open enough for me to take it. That probably triggered some of the things above. I know this is just a hurdle in the path, right now this hurdle seems like a chasm.
I'll get through it. I always do. I always have.
Hyper-independence (overly independent trauma response) is very isolating and tends to be extremely lonely. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
COMMENTS
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Cartomancer
14:47 Mar 01 2025
I’ve had several close friends over the years get shingles, and when people talk about what they go through with it, it has freaked me out to a point I was sure to get the shingles vaccination when I was in the window of age for it. I’m 51 now – you’re not 50 yet… And that’s the age when they recommend to get it.
I absolutely empathize with your thought process as you’re going through this pain. When I deal with my physical ailments and mental health issues combined – all I can think about is me being too much for people. Whenever someone starts to have an interest in me I am sure to tell them, “I am a mess, I am a huge thing to take on” 😂 I put that emoji there, but this is real shit. I haven’t began any relationships – but it’s still something I’ve said over the last years to people who start showing an interest. I feel like I need to be really transparent. Better I talk about myself with laughter than anyone acting like they had no idea what they were getting into.
MooniePie
01:10 Mar 02 2025
They really are horrid. When the blisters start to heal, they fucking itch. Even if you could itch them you can't because the nerves are sensitive and it hurts to even touch that side. They said use cold compresses to relieve some of the irritation, but damn it's like 10 degrees and I'm on blood thinners. Eff all that nonsense. lol
lol I say the same! I'm like no really, you don't understand even *I* know I'm a lot. I'm the same way about being transparent. I don't think it's fair for someone to 'walk into this' and be blindsided. Also, they need to fully know what to expect. I'm over the casual and people not sticking around. The sooner they find out about this dumpster fire, the better. lol
RedRiverMetis
11:00 Mar 17 2025
I have heard about shingles and I am glad you wrote about. I am saving up to get the shot because up here medicare doesn't cover it and many doctors do not know why it is not. I have been lucky so far not getting it at my age of @#$3_& lol. I will from now on pay more attention to things that occur with my body.