The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Yeah, I'm still procrastinating.
10:40 Feb 29 2008
Times Read: 962

So, Irony pastes a link to me yesterday and much like cheez whiz, it has distracted me all night. It featured items guaranteed to make God angry, like crucified Christ chocolates. On A STICK! Yes, I KNOW it isn't Jesus Yes, I KNOW it's just chocolate. And as my friend pointed out, I'm a vegetarian, but I can bite a chocolate bunny's head off. I just couldn't eat it. I feel the black caul of sin just trying to mentally gently nibble savior toes.



Anyway, when I got to "dog nativity," I just came undone. There is a puppy in the manger. A puppy. In the manger. It's worse than black velvet last supper. I want to avert my eyes.





But given mine, Irony's, and Ockham's distaste of kitter, (You know the type...instead of saying hello, they mew at you and expect you to respond as though that's normal while you quietly search your memory for the locations of trashbags, a stone, and a map to the nearest body of water.) I got to thinking (never good)...if there is a DOG nativity, surely there's...*Googles*...yep, there is. Cat nativity.



Don't click. Surely you have better things to do.



But it's the caroling kitties that finally did me in. Even the name, "caroling kitties," makes the hairs on my neck stand up. It is much the same kind of disturbing dread that bunnies now incite in me since Irony did her magic, forever imprinting upon me on a bunny with a rainbow anal fissure. Not quite as bad as clockwork taxidermy rodents, but up there.

Whizzin' Away the Night
09:28 Feb 29 2008
Times Read: 964

Cheese from a can. It's the perfect procrastination food. It's the sort of food I would never eat unless the bomb had dropped and radiation poisoning were imminent or I had a big project due the next day. Suddenly, everything is interesting except what I should be doing.

I just made a smiley face in aerosol cheese on a wheat thin - no small task because wheat thins are tiny. I may run to Wal Mart, stock up and go grafitti something with spray cheese.



Why do we always hear about whipped cream sex? Why never Cheez Whiz sex?



I've read the can and it says, "Pasteurized Cheese Snack" and the more worrisome, "no need to refrigerate."



Stop reading this and kick my butt and tell me to put down the happy cheese and finish my work. What's wrong with you letting me screw around like this? I'm going to sneak in while you're sleeping and draw a cheez mustache on you!

Extreme Manners Makeover
07:27 Feb 25 2008
Times Read: 1,035


Welcome to the Jo Show! Today's topic will be, "You Are A Bratty Punk."



When did "cool" become "thank you?" I think maybe we have a generation who missed out on this very basic lesson.



Part One: The Early Years



Let's go back to childhood where someone introduced you to the concept of how to get what you want. Getting what you want in life is our first and most important lesson. It is quite simple, but if these steps are not followed, it can go terribly wrong and you will end up confused and angry, shouting that the world is unfair while you teeter on a building's edge threatening a jump to a largely bored crowd who encourage you to do so.



1. Identify What You Want - Sounds simple enough, and it should be. You are born knowing that you want milk and it sucks to sit in your own excrement. Do not overcomplicate this one; the simplest pleasures are still the best ones. Here are a few: Warm bed, kisses, smiles, food, water, job you like, Star Trek reruns, and booing string theorists.



2. Making The Right Noise - This is essential and key to the all important "Getting What You Want." I will demonstrate with a simple Dos and Don'ts list



Crying- DO if you are under 24 months old. DON'T use it to employ guilt; it will backfire later, you pathetic, manipulative emo creep.

*variations on this theme: cutting, whining, blaming others



Tantrum - DON'T even if you are two. Somebody needs to swat your bottom or put you in time-out. I stop hearing immediately. I have mommy filters that I should sell on e-bay. If you are a teenager or adult, stop stomping your feet and continue holding your breath, you arrested development pile of steaming turds.

*variations on this theme: typing in all capital letters, multiple exclamation points, excessive swearing, threats



Using Please and Thank You in a Request - DO at every age! It is not old-fashioned nor quaint. It does not make you sound gay. It does not sound weak. In the grown-up world you want to join, it makes you sound polite, refined, and grateful. These are traits that will take you far in life if you stop hanging out with the DONTS.



This concludes today's show. Join us next week when our topic will be, "Blood Spatters Stain: Tarps, A Lost Art"



Remember, boys and girls, I usually want to shoot you, so button up; it's cold out.

PRIVATE ENTRY
08:48 Feb 22 2008
Times Read: 1,061


• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •

A Response
20:03 Feb 21 2008
Times Read: 1,129

This has troubled me all night and into today. I have put a lot of thought into how I want to respond. I'll outline my quandary: a VR member, whom I respect greatly, considered my last entry in this section to have been a slam to pregnant teens. I considered removing the entry. I considered making the entry private. But after reading it again several times and searching my own heart, I have chosen to leave it up.



I love people. That's the short story. There isn't a single person that I can name that I hate, and there is only one person I can even call up online that I actively dislike (and the subject of last entry isn't that person.) What I dislike, and sometimes hate are behaviors, bad decisions. We ALL are guilty there, most notably myself. I'm above nobody.



My intent in the last post was to highlight to this person her own bad behavior. She went out of her way to stir up a ton of trouble for someone and then, when called on it, continued to try to escalate the trouble or avoid taking responsibility.



I did not seek her out. I did not message her. I commented on the same journal she did, and she escalated her terrible choices again, messaging me and calling me her favorite words, "fucking whore." I pointed out some things that I still find valid and good advice peppered with a little humor.



On this point, I want to be crystal clear. I did not call her nasty because she is pregnant. I called her nasty for her behavior and the way she conducts herself. In mentioning her pregnancy, I pointed out situational irony. The very term, "fucking whore" in her case is funny for several reasons. I'll point them out:



1. Calling someone a whore suggests that you consider yourself morally superior in some way. It is a term best associated with prudish people pointing a finger while holding their own skeleton-filled closet door tightly shut to scrutiny.



2. Using "fucking" as a modifier to a term steeped in moral superiority makes your judgment sound ridiculous.



3. Her own situation does not lend itself to decrying other people's morality. (In fact, whose does?)



All in all, I simply meant to showcase a poorly behaved brattish person. My worst comment to her was, "nasty." I don't find it to be a particularly condemning word, more a measure of distaste, and as it stands, I'd have to say that I still feel that way about her. I find her personally distasteful. But I don't throw around words like "whore" or "skank" because I find that they are used when you don't really have anything valuable to say.



And, not that I feel a need to justify myself, because I think I made all the points I hoped to make, but I work with the population of single pregnant women every day. Many are teens and runaways who have a tight grip on my heart.



But there are some I don't care for very much as individuals, not because they are in a difficult situation or that they may have been promiscuous, but because some people aren't very likable. They expect to be sour, difficult, and dishonest and still be treated like a princess. So, what do you do? You love anyway and you always tell the truth, even when it isn't what they want to hear.



I only know how to be myself. I try to be myself with a dash of humor whenever I can, but I don't like everybody, not even if they are all bunny rabbits and rainbows coming out their butts, and especially not if they are vulgar, inciteful, and dishonest.

Will she ever just stop?
02:36 Feb 20 2008
Times Read: 1,227

Well, she's expanded her Tard Bombs out to include me. For those of you who do not know this charming young lady, please check out Ockham's journal.



The short version: She messaged him because she thought his profile was rude (it is) and threatened him with getting her "top people" to remove him from the site. He has a paid account for the privilege of being here, supporting VR financially. She invited herself to be the subject of his rapier wit, but then decided to cry about how mean everyone is in response to her vulgar and illiterate posturing.



Now, onto the fun! Here is the message I found this evening. I have never messaged her nor posted anything in my journal about her before, but by her request, may I present the lovely lady herself, uncut for your reading pleasure.



*Disclaimer: I have not bothered with pointing out her atrocious grammar because she is already enrolled in Ockham's generous volunteer tutoring program for the stubbornly illiterate.*



On 15:49:37 Feb 19 2008 (-6 GMT) tashadoyle wrote:



Look if you wish to call me nasty dont say it behind my fucking back. Say it to my face because honestly i am not scared of any of you morons. Go ahead post this i hope to see it soon fucking whore



My response to you, tasha



1. You don't need to be afraid of us because we don't offer any threat to you. What we do is shine the light back at you and you don't like it.



2. Please try to remember that you are the one who called attention to yourself by messaging a member whose profile you didn't like and threatening him, getting yourself suspended in the process. Upon returning from suspension, you dive right back in and invite further scrutiny by messaging and posting the same "bull shit crap."



3. I didn't say it behind your back; I posted it as a comment in a public journal that I know you read, but I have no problem saying it to you. I think you are nasty.



4. I have never called you a name, (technically "nasty" is just a modifier) but you sling "whore" at me. By your own journal posts and profile, you are knocked-up at 18 with an internet boyfriend you unleash to take up the battles you start but are unequipped to finish. You are old enough to behave better.



5. You enjoy pointing your nasty little finger at others, but don't like it coming back to you. Find the block button, grow up and learn to hush.



6. Thank you for your permission to post your unsolicited message to me. I think that's a brilliant idea and since you are looking forward to it; I offer it as a gift to you and your adoring fans.

Red Hot Smokin' Beaver
04:08 Feb 18 2008
Times Read: 1,281

In response to this image being used as a stamp and the observation by all that there is indeed fur, I made my first-ever stamp. I believe we all know what is forever in darkness...that poor beaver!

I feel strongly about animal exploitation and hope you will join your efforts to mine to free this poor creature from further indignity.

Insane Journal Night
02:51 Feb 17 2008
Times Read: 1,336

Journals rarely get suspended, but I have had to suspend TWO tonight. Please think through threats and racial slurs. Read the Terms of Service. Get a grip.

Look, Ockham and Irony, we can break a board, too!
00:14 Feb 17 2008
Times Read: 1,364

We call this board VBQXOOOOW. Stabb says it's what I left him to work with. Like he hasn't contributed half those Os AND the Q! We knew you'd be all proud.

Where's that escape key?
23:24 Feb 14 2008
Times Read: 1,427

I've often been asked if I believe in reincarnation. I just never have had any proof that supports it. Until now. I may finally have become a believer. It seems apparent to me that little Adolf here is definitely on his second go-round.



WARNING! LOUD and offensive. (You won't be able to look away...train wreck comin' your way.)

Just...wow ala juggalo
09:08 Feb 14 2008
Times Read: 1,465

Extracted from a profile here on VR



"i am the goth that no one want's

i am the goth that no one love

i am the goth that has sanness in my heart

i am the goth that walk alone in this world of hate

i am that one goth that is looking for a true friend if not my life will end

i am the goth that live in the darkness of hate

and pain

i am that goth and if you dont like it thin you dont what to be my friend's"





Yeah, and I'm the terror that flaps in the night.

Password Update
19:41 Feb 12 2008
Times Read: 1,539

This is an informational message. If you are still experiencing difficulty, email is the way to get this solved. Contact me at yellatrek@yahoo.com.



Creating a second profile is NOT the answer, especially if you are slamming VR in it about this incident. It will be suspended unless it is a premium account, same as always. Someone maliciously misused the system and if your email was not updated with VR, you have been inconvenienced. Cancer asked multiple times for that update. So, while nobody's fault but the person who caused the harm, you DO share a measure of responsibility. Be patient and work with us. Send an email and we'll assess your situation individually.



Posting what you imagine happened in your journals is not helpful to those of us who are putting in a lot of hours to try to help those affected. If you do make a journal entry about this, please include the email address so that you can help solve the problem. VR is doing what it can to meet a problem head-on. This is going to take some days to sort out. Patience please.

Headlines Go South
09:42 Feb 12 2008
Times Read: 1,572

So yesterday I tell Irony and Ockham that I'm out of toilet paper and need to pick some up at the store. Irony shares an idea that I might convert newspaper for a suitable substitute until I get to the store. She even suggested a way to soften the paper up so it's a bit more comfy. I was quiet for a while, then assured her it wasn't comfort that had me concerned, but the newsprint.



What if I were to get lucky that night (suspend your disbelief in this little fictional tale, oh reader) and as I disrobed, noticed my potential partner seemingly quite taken with my nether elysian field? I might feel pleased enough to blush and thank him for his worshipful eyes. Then, without question, would come, "I can't believe it. Looks like Obama's got the nomination!"

Hang In There - still working on it
07:42 Feb 12 2008
Times Read: 1,584

I am still helping people get passwords reset. If you or your friend cannot log in, email me with username and email address. If the email was not valid, please indicate that. yellatrek@yahoo.com

Just...Wow
00:44 Feb 11 2008
Times Read: 1,718

It is not my habit to shame people in my journal. I try to keep it good fun, but I just have not the words for this avatar



oh god

Stabb has a go at Bad Poetry and triggers my pet peeve for THE SINGLE TEAR
22:26 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 1,788

Stabb: I wept one single tear, for this life I feared,

Irony: o god

Ockham: Jo's going to stab you

Ockham: for the one tear

Stabb: Giving me a way to cry, I found my self awry.



*Joli starts concentrating her energy on the choccy lodging in Stabb's throat*



Stabb: I dunno...that was pretty bad

Stabb: oh, you kinky bitch!

Ockham: englishman choking on candy fetish?

Stabb: sweet!

Joli: uh, that's a bad thing?

Stabb: no, no...not 'bad'

Stabb: just freakish

Joli: when he's choking, I try to get him to say, "taco"

Ockham: "Say taco." 'Tacko.' *insert candybar into throat sideways*

Ockham: *gagging noises* "IT'S TACO, YOU BITCH. TAH. CO."

Stabb: "Gah-ghough.."

"choccies"
22:14 Feb 10 2008
Times Read: 1,794

You actually say that?! The word makes me feel like a little old woman making cooing sounds at a gayly groomed poodle.

Exhausted
05:23 Feb 09 2008
Times Read: 1,834

Feel free to message me still, but I'm so tired. The first "my password..." message came at about 4:30 PM, I guess. I was still at work but started trying to figure out what happened. One forum thread, several vamp box posts, Yahoo Messenger new friend requests, a phone call with Cancer, and about a thousand emails later, I'm ready to pass out. It's 11:20 and the emails and messages are still coming.



I love you guys and we'll have you all back and VR better than ever. Cancer sounded confident and unimpressed by the person who caused trouble, so fear not. It's well in-hand.



I hate that this occurred. I wish I could have been more helpful, but it really is just going to take patience. Please reassure your friends that they are not going to lose their accounts, but for some, this may take days to fix.

The very best friends are the ones that make you pee yourself just a little every now and again (Once Again, I'm Violenta)
07:13 Feb 08 2008
Times Read: 1,875

Violenta: ok



Violenta: but I'm kinda still scared



Violenta: like you were a teddy bear and then during the night, you put on evil clown makeup that glows in the dark and I woke up to pee and you were sitting propped on a pillow beside my head, inches from my nose

Actual VR profile quotes
10:58 Feb 05 2008
Times Read: 2,033

And next on the Jo Show:

I was going to suggest that I be allowed to feed the authors of the following quotes to the Fruit Fucker 2000, but I have too much respect for the randy kitchen appliance to offer him these STDs in clothing who keep seeping into the gene pool. But I definitely should be allowed to harm them.



"i'll die 4u kill 4u kill wit u die wit u and love 4 ever"



"Happiness iz bliss, missery my lyfstyle, pain iz an illusion and death iz the doorway."



"fuck the bitches and fuck the hoes cuz i get down with the juggalos"



" 'You can close your eyes to reality not memories' i realized god hated me when my mother back over my testicals with a van?"



"have you ever dansed in the pallmoon light with my kinde?"



"yes i know that i am fat and yes i know that you thank i am a ugly beast and i know that i am all alone in this world you all are always talk shit about about me and here i am with a razer cutten deep into my arm and with my last breath i scream FUCK YOU"



and perhaps my favorite of all: "im vampire so wacth out"



wait...I was too hasty: "Vamprye, i need the blood of the yound"

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Stop Murdering The Language I Love
10:30 Feb 05 2008
Times Read: 2,037

My God, people...please, for the love of God - Spell check! Stop substituting a letter or number for a word, ala "U R 2 cool" and you know you spelled it "kewl," which it most assuredly isn't. Why? Why is it that you want to do this? It isn't clever, funny, or cute and it makes me want to stamp FAIL across your forehead.



And now, for the cartoon portion of the Jo Show:

The Scoop on Ockham...now, move along
19:16 Feb 03 2008
Times Read: 2,144

About Ockham. Yes, he's my friend. Yes, he's actually one of the most generous and kind people I know. Yes, I know you don't like him. Why is he here? Well, he's made it abundantly clear upfront - To visit with Irony and me. I dragged him here when he wasn't interested in this site. We just want to comment each other's journals.



Could he have been more friendly? Yes. Why wasn't he? I have no idea. Is being here just to talk to 2 friends in their journals a valid reason? Well, it's his reason, so it's as valid as yours. He hasn't stabbed anyone in the back. He's basically just told everyone to screw off.



At least you know where he stands. He isn't pretending to be anything. If you don't like him, fine. But I'd appreciate no more messages telling me about my friend. Rate him a 1. Block him. Whine in your journal. Get over it. Not everyone is here to like you or paint bunnies and rainbows flying out their butts.

Because I cannot take it a moment longer!
06:17 Feb 01 2008
Times Read: 2,192

Once and for all, it is "BEAR with me", not "BARE with me" unless you are asking me to get nekkid with you!!!!!



From http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/bare.html



There are actually three words here. The simple one is the big growly creature (unless you prefer the Winnie-the-Pooh type). Hardly anyone past the age of ten gets that one wrong. The problem is the other two. Stevedores bear burdens on their backs and mothers bear children. Both mean “carry” (in the case of mothers, the meaning has been extended from carrying the child during pregnancy to actually giving birth). But strippers bare their bodies—sometimes bare-naked. The confusion between this latter verb and “bear” creates many unintentionally amusing sentences; so if you want to entertain your readers while convincing them that you are a dolt, by all means mix them up. “Bear with me,” the standard expression, is a request for forbearance or patience. “Bare with me” would be an invitation to undress. “Bare” has an adjectival form: “The pioneers stripped the forest bare.”