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17 entries this month
My Pharmacist01:03 Dec 31 2018
Times Read: 628
My personal pharmacist called me this morning. He had wanted to see what had happened yesterday. I told him everything that had gone wrong. He profusely apologized to me and is going to talk to my psychiatrist as apologize to them. He then said that he'd make sure that the guy that fucked with me won't ever be back. Also that he'd let his supervisor know what was going on.
Overall my pharmacist is a good guy. Always looks out for me. When he met me he had no idea that I was trans. I informed him that I was trans and he's been really respectful of that even putting my prefered name on my medication it's really amazing.
I'll touch base with him tomorrow.
Bad Pharmacist20:29 Dec 29 2018
Times Read: 654
I loathe you sometimes so only one of my new mental health meds could be filled. Venlafaxine supposed to take 2 they only covered one tab . I’m upset. So upset I didn’t finish this.
Prazosin 5mg will be filled 31st
Venalfaxine 150 mg 1 a day instead of 2
Buspirone 15 mg not in stock for 4 months.
I was so excited to start my new regime of meds I’m unhappy that I can’t and the pharmacist wasn’t nice to me at all. He kept calling me sir. I glared and didn’t respond to him. Til he got my right pronoun my normal pharmacist will be hearing about this.
Update 1:25 pm Title changed as well
So my psychologist called and told me how rude this guy was to them as well. It was to the point they don’t even want to deal with this guy. I don’t blame them. My psych said she wanted to strangle him I said I was across the counter from him and wanted to do that. He kept calling me him and even my psych was correcting this asshole of a pharmacist. I’m trying to get a hold of my own personal pharmacist. Don’t know when he’s in but I’m going to find out and lodge a complaint. Stay tuned there maybe more to this.
When you fall for someone15:38 Dec 29 2018
Times Read: 666
VR only Journal Entry
So I'm poly, and I screw up a lot cuz I speak and don't think. I'm very impulsive. I can't help who I fall for you know. My heart wants anyone willing to take it. Yet, I always say the wrong thing and upset people. When I see things it either is or isn't what I think it is. There's no debate I argue my point to the point of no one wants to argue their point anymore. I'm one of the most complicated people in the world. I've had a very rough life, not that I'm saying my life is any rougher then anyone else's. Now I have to clarify what I say so that I don't upset someone.
I'm a lost girl in a woman's body who has no idea who she really is.
Psychologist Appointment01:10 Dec 29 2018
Times Read: 681
It was a cold and snowy day not sticking snow but snow nevertheless. My initial appointment was supposed to be at 10:35 am my transportation never showed. After calling the transportation service, they called the driver who had said they were going to be there in 15 mins. I call back 20 mins later still no ride and the insurance called my Psychologist and moved my appointment to 12:45 pm my ride had gotten stuck in the snow an hour away even though they had just told my insurance that they’d be here in 15 mins. Anyways they still arrived late to get me I was about to have a fucking meltdown.
This driver honestly shouldn’t be driving they took their hands off the wheel multiple times to talk with their hands. Blew by 2 stop signs and almost hit the curb a dozen of times. The whole drive made me extremely nauseated and I never get car sick.
I arrive at the appointment and they ask if I’d like some tea, and gave me some new flavor I’ve never had. Something with the letter R I can’t recall. It was a very good tea and was nice to be sipping it for the meet and greet with the Psychologist.
The meet and greet went really well the Psychologist gendered me correctly and used my correct pronouns and stated that where she worked what people want to identify is what matters and should be respected. I felt I was at home and discussed signing my surgery paper briefly. She said if they allowed her to she would sign off on it so woot.
Discussed my issues with the other medications and brought up my concerns and she took me off of every medication. Then gave me 3 medications. I was a walking pharmacy til today no more. I can’t wait to start these sadly I can’t get them today and will be tomorrow.
Looking forward to 201907:40 Dec 28 2018
Times Read: 692
Something I didn't expect when I came back here. I'm very great full to the amount of support that I've been getting from here. I'm really really really shocked I didn't expect so many people to be so supportive to me. I would like to take this time to thank you all for it. I know I rant about things that happen in my life a lot but that's what I do to get it out. This transition has been extremely helpful to me and has made me a lot happier. I'm so happy to be who I've always been. Anyways, Thank you for your supportive comments words and messages they have been a blessing and they aren't going unnoticed.
Looking forward to 2019
All my love
Kaytyln
Fizbop
Therapy Appointment 321:01 Dec 26 2018
Times Read: 701
Another good appointment. She made me cry again. Well ok she didn’t but she had let me get out something I was holding onto recently. Don’t know why I can cry so easily for her rather then myself. She keeps reminding me it’s ok to have these emotions. So I told her how I didn’t do the assignment of writing the trauma out in like age gaps. 0-3 this that or the other happened. I told her I was afraid that she’d be angry with me for not doing it and how hard it was just to write one. Especially around this time of the year I was reminded that it probably wasn’t a good time to go exploring my trauma.
So now she said I could jump around and do the easier trauma first and then the harder ones. She suggested I draw it. This could get really dark. The amount of time I would have to spend on one drawing alone to get all the details just right is enormous. I actually am more then likely going to start this soon. I do and don’t want to but as my therapist stated that I have to try to deal with it.
It scares me to be honest.
Feelings annoy me sometimes22:55 Dec 25 2018
Times Read: 722
Ever get upset cuz someone does the same thing every time around the same day feeling like it was intentional. Like the want to upset you intentionally. I’m just trying to have a great holiday and now I feel angry and upset and want to cry.
Do i?
No.
I just bottle it up like I always do. I want to punch a wall and put my fist threw it.
I need to be held.
Dysphoria18:47 Dec 23 2018
Times Read: 753
I'm about to have a fucking melt down. I just got major dysphoria. Was talking in a support room for LGBTQ + and someone mentioned that they were absolutely free from Testosterone. As I reflect on this I see so many others transitions that are going better than mine. It really makes me jealous of them. Why didn’t I realize that I was a woman so much earlier in my life. It would have saved me a lot of pain. There’s a lot of wonderfully gorgeous Trans Women doing a lot better then I am.
I’ve been on HRT for 1 year 3 months and just now only seeing my face feminine. My breast seem to not be going anywhere. They are really really small and it upsets me. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was supposed to make things better and more balanced. Do not get me wrong here I love what’s happening with me and I know it takes time but I’ve seen Trans Women only on their 3rd month looking a hell of a lot better then I am.
Though I’ll admit that my transition is going better then some others but still. I don’t think you understand that I need this to go very well. It hurts me a lot to see any sign that I was ever a male. It pains me to no end. I just want to be that pretty sexy woman I am on the inside.
I really need a confidence booster. I’m lacking in that area. Every time I post a picture I hope to get all the love and awesome comments, and then it’s a bunch of likes but barely any comments I need VALIDATION. Is that too much to ask for. I know I shouldn’t rely on opinion of others but I do. It means everything to me to be seen as a beautiful attractive woman.
Honestly, I’m fed up with being any bit male, and it all bothers me to the point where I’ve gotten rid of all my male photos. I don’t want to be reminded of what I used to be / was forced to be. It was the standards of the time.
I’m hurting so much and I just want to cry.
Nightmares Return21:01 Dec 22 2018
Times Read: 761
After several months of nothing having any nightmares. I have one last night. First let me say that before this nightmare happened I was asleep til about 4:30 am. I felt extremely hot and I was overheating to the point that I got ill. I went back to sleep.
The nightmare was about people coming for me to take away my transition medications. Saying that it’s no longer allowed and I can never be a woman no matter what I do. I tried to run away but kept going in circles and ended up back where they took everything away from me. My insurance, my medicine. All my research sources were taken down off line. There was no mention of trans anywhere. It was the most horrible thing.
Interview Starbucks00:57 Dec 22 2018
Times Read: 800
oday, I had an interview with Starbucks. I feel that it went pretty well today. I walked in and to the counter and the first thing said to me was “How Can I get you Ma’am?” I asked for the Hiring manager and she had explained that she was that person. She then said “You must be Kaytlyn.” This made me smile along with being gendered correctly. She then asked me if I’d like a drink. I had to explain that I had no money at all and wouldn’t been able to pay for it. She gave me one for free for the interview.
She was really pleasant only asking a few questions. At the end of the Interview she stated she would ask other HR people to see if they had any open placements. Also that if she had a free spot I would have landed the job. Although, I almost missed the Interview cuz I messed up the time.
It’s really nice to have people gendering me correctly. That’s a lot of weight off my shoulders. I really believe people are finally seeing my feminine self. It’s really an amazing feeling. Finally I pass and I had no make up on what so ever. Sadly I didn’t have the time.
Psychiatrist where are you?05:13 Dec 20 2018
Times Read: 839
had my therapy appointment and she gave me a notebook to break down my trauma to age ranges that the events happened. She feels that by breaking them down to tackle them one at a time would help. My thoughts on this are is a very logical as scientific way of doing it. Which is right up my alley.
She also called a Psychiatrist Torres on my behalf to get my meds back in track. I’m patiently waiting on that.
Got a call later in the day to let me know I’m a special case and they couldn’t fit me in. I got very upset. I was like so my mental health is so bad I have to be apart from everyone else and can’t get help. The guy stated I had to understand the situation that she couldn’t take any more clientele. And he hung up.
Still in search for a psychiatrist.
Craptastic craptacular02:02 Dec 19 2018
Times Read: 858
Walmart the major cause of my anxiety. It was pretty packed today and there were a few times I got triggered and there were a few times I had PTSD events and I feel really lost now.
Right now I feel like I'm hurting I feel so very alone I feel that I can't do anything right I feel so lost. Right now I just want curl up into a ball and just cry really hard and I'm trying not to and I just don't know anymore. People were looking at me strangely today and it's not good. Not good at all.
I just don't know what to
Name Change on VR and you lose too much04:33 Dec 12 2018
Times Read: 887
I really need to change my name on here but I would lose waaaaaaaaaaaay too much things. Just so I can have a feminnine name on here. I don't like that
Name Change on VR20:45 Dec 11 2018
Times Read: 910
I have a few questions, do you lose your levels or any ratings what not.
What do you have to lose when you change your name on vr is basiclly what I'm asking..
Change20:34 Dec 05 2018
Times Read: 947
"We all change, when you think about it, we’re all different people; all through our lives, and that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me."
11th Doctor – Matt Smith – The Doctor
So I’ve changed again, I don’t know how I feel about it yet. It will be revealed soon. As The Doctor said about change it can be good to move forward.
Defining myself as I become more Kaytlyn there’s a lot of work to be done. Some gradual some instant and a blink of an eye.
Thank you for joining me in my journey
Totally at a loss00:40 Dec 01 2018
Times Read: 833
Before I went into the hospital, I had a therapist, and she was getting me a psychiatrist. That appointment 6 months later didn't go well. In fact the person refused to help me. I contacted the admin that never got back to me after logging the complaint.
So I've been not only looking for a new therapist but a psychiatrist as well. This has been a very long and exhausted search and I still don't have a psychologist. Beyond frustrating. I'm in a fragile state of mind.
Today got a new therapist set up and hopefully it'll go well.
Also today I felt really wronged when someone called me a crossdresser and a sissy. I'm nether of those, I made a post about that and one person wanted to nit pick about if there's a space between trans woman. Started some really unnecessary comments when I was seeking support.
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