Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
103 entries this month
23:42 Jan 31 2010
Times Read: 1,000
♥ I'm done! ♥
I can't believe I'm saying this but I just completed my last and final assignment for Criminal Investigation.
I'm so happy it's done! I'm going to miss the class though! I can honestly say no matter what, it kept me interested! The tedious work of looking up laws and cases to support my search and/or arrest warrants did get a little ridiculous at the end though!
*sighs* I'm going to write in my handwritten journal now that I have some time.
God, I have four assignments in SLG for me to be completely caught up. For today though, I'm done. It's my reward after working so hard in CI. I was some time to relax just a little.
Done! Done! Done! *dances* My grade was at B from the last time he was on.
19:54 Jan 31 2010
Times Read: 1,011
I've completed two assignments already.
Only two more to go before the end of today! It's only fifteen til three... I so have enough time to do this!
Next paper...
Incident: Child Abuse
Brief: Child bought into the emergency room with abrasions and lacerations on her abdomen and right leg.
Crime Scene: The kitchen and child's room.
The weapon: A cheese grater.
Yes, this is made up. I invented this crime. I have my sketches done. I just need to put everything together.
I chose this scenario because I've had a cheese grater tear my skin before as a punishment for not listening to my abuser. I'm scared of cheese graters. More like terrified when it comes down to it.
This is the first step in me confronting, coping, and healing from my past.
17:35 Jan 31 2010
Times Read: 1,011
"One of the best jobs on this assignment ever submitted. -Prof. Harper"
That is copied straight from his assessment of my Course Project Part Two!
Hell yeah!
*squeals* I'm so happy about it!
I have three more assignments to get done to be completely finished. I can so do it! Especially with that under my belt!
I'm proud of myself beyond belief right now! *nods* ♥
22:43 Jan 30 2010
Times Read: 1,016
If one listens to an audio book, does it count as them reading said book?
I found a new favorite thing about my virtual library. There's a link to another site I can go to where I can download audio books or ebooks.
I'm so happy about it. I'm listening to Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: P.S., it's all small stuff, while I continue with my homework.
It's relaxing. *smiles*
20:23 Jan 30 2010
Times Read: 1,020
I've gotten about half of my report done for Section B of Part Two.
*squeals*
I'm listening to upbeat music. I just logged 30 minutes doing the Wii Fit! *smiles* I'm sweating like a pig!
*oink oink!*
My back isn't hurting as badly as it was. It's still hurting pretty bad though. My legs are looking better... more tone. I'm extremely happy about that.
Tomorrow or the next day, I'm going to take measurements of my body so I can keep better track of my progress!
♥
I'm working little by little on my goals.
-I'm working on my weight.
-I've been exercising every day at least 15 minutes or more.
-I'm working on my procrastination problem.
-I've been tackling my homework like crazy.
-I've been writing my something good about myself everyday! (I haven't missed one day yet!)
-I've been eating healthier.
-I've been watching how foods effect my stomach problems.
-I'm improving my self-confidence little by little!
-Brett and I are making traditions like tea-time before bedtime to bring us closer. ♥
-I've been thinking of his feelings a lot more.
-I've been calling my mom at least every couple of days. Big accomplishment there!
-I've cut out most of the negative people that were in my life. I'm sticking with it too. No going back to dealing with them, damn it! Ignoring goes a long way! :-)
That's a lot I've been doing! Hell yeah!
*************************************
The below is from my personal handwritten journal!
Something good about myself is I'm starting to be able to take control of my life again. The only way to do it is by making choices... and I can finally say I'm making mine without waiting too long now! ♥
Making my own choices is something I took for granted a few years ago. I lost my ability to make them on my own when my anxiety hit me so hard. I'm just now getting better enough to make the bare minimum of choices. I can surely say my life isn't seeming as out of control and pointless. I'm learning to deal with my problems again, instead of leaving them to rot and see the world through the stress and agony of intoxicated eyes.
I'm starting to be able to find my standing again and be able to set true goals that I can reach. I'm tired of trying to catch a star while hopping on one leg! I'm starting to build a rocket so I can catch my stars without falling on my face!
I can make it happen one goal and step at a time!
17:22 Jan 30 2010
Times Read: 1,024
I'm working like crazy on my Course Project Part Two: Section B. I can't submit my sketches until after I finish my reports.
I'm hoping to get it done in the next couple of hours. I'm happy I got the sketches done last night before going to bed though and Part One of the Project.
I spent over eight hours on my first part of the course project yesterday. Both my sketches took about two hours, along with exploring the crime scene and whatnot.
I have to do the reports and then I'll be done. *smiles*
My plans other then Part Two: Section B include two other assignments. If I can get them all three done today, it'll only leave me three more assignments for tomorrow.
I'm leaving my SLG course sit. I have four assignments still in there but I'm going to finish those up this coming week. I need to get my CI stuff done first.
*yawns* I so didn't sleep good last night. I'm really tired. I wish I could have slept in but oh well, no sense complaining about it now.
Brett's taking Aurora over to my mom's for a fish fry. I'm feeling kind of bad because I can't go. But it was supposed to be next weekend... and on a Sunday! Not a Saturday... and sure as hell not the weekend my one class wraps up!
But whatever, I'm not going. I need to get my homework done and I'm not letting anything like that get in my way. Damn it, I'm so close to get everything finished. I can't go over there for food. Who knows when I would get back home!
I'm getting back to work on my homework.
Oh and I'm hoping to do the Wii Fit for at least 30 minutes today. No matter what's been going on, I've been doing at least 15-20 minutes a day. I'm not used to shuffling it with everything else though and I admit that!
I'm working at it though. And most importantly, I'm sticking with it.
I'm proud of myself! ♥
00:57 Jan 30 2010
Times Read: 1,032
Something for my project. Word isn't working. Grrrrness. Arabic to English translation for assignment. :-)
Translation:
Famit mother dear.
Exposure, such as materials that were sent that the time that the aim Acgual 7:00 and run back before 8:00. I think you must Linker small bag that was large enough to rule. Will be completed the task on Friday if all went when the manuscript.
Peace was you
Ana.
23:07 Jan 29 2010
Times Read: 1,038
He got me a single rose!
Oh my god!
I'm blushing and smiling like I'm a little school girl!
♥♥♥♥♥♥
18:31 Jan 29 2010
Times Read: 1,050
He's in a bad mood and so I feel like I'm to blame. God, I hate my emotions.
I need help with my homework. Something simple. Just someone to rant to about the evidence who can give me some feedback. That's all.
But nope. He's upstairs playing Solitaire on my computer.
I guess I'm going back to talking with my kitty about it all. There's nothing else I can really do. *sighs* I can't let this get me down. I need to stay upbeat.
I have two things on my plate today.
The rest of Course Project Part One and Course Project Part Two.
Both of which are based on the same person who is suspected of being a terrorist and having e-mail communications with other terrorist cells in the area.
The combination of the two parts equals a 30% weight towards my final grade.
Fuck it. Fuck him. He can stay up there all day if he wants. I've done so much already without anyone but Aurora and the kitties to talk to about some of it. Aurora got to hear about surveillance. LOL!
I can do this. With or without him. I just need to get my ass in gear.
That's it. *kicks self in the ass* Now, if only I could really kick myself like that! My tight heelcords prevent it.
12:26 Jan 29 2010
Times Read: 1,053
I'm irritated with myself. I forgot to get my premium membership renewed. I don't even know if I have the money or not for it anymore. I'll be seeing though as soon as I can.
But I can't lurk and stuff.
I feel naked!
Getting started on my homework again.
You'll see me around. *pouts*
Everyone in General Ugh!
00:36 Jan 29 2010
Times Read: 1,058
People really need to understand, if I don't talk to them...
There's a freakin' reason.
This goes for this site, MySpace, the telephone, or in real life.
If I really absolutely wanted to talk to you, I would go ahead and cause myself the anxiety of doing so!
If I'm NOT replying or picking up, then get the fuckin' hint!
Enough said, right?
... I think so at least.
19:53 Jan 28 2010
Times Read: 1,066
I'm so tired of doing homework. I'm even more discouraged at the fact my assignments are not getting graded within 72 hours of being handed in. Which that rule is policy for ITT Tech and the only exceptions are weekends and holidays.
*takes a deep breath in*
I have five assignments pending (not graded) in State and Local Government.
I also have three assignments at the moment pending in Criminal Investigation.
The count for assignments left to do are:
4 for State and Local Government
7 for Criminal Investigation
That's 11 assignments left. *smiles*
But with eight assignments pending.
I've turned in from Sunday on in my State and Local Government and still they are left ungraded.
I'm not too upset or discouraged by my three assignments in CI pending. He's been really on the ball the whole quarter. He has also become more understanding in the area of criticizing some of my homework. There was one assignment I handed in... he told me it was "completely wrong." No explanation. No reasoning. Just "completely wrong."
I admit that got to me.
But five assignments handed in since Sunday in my SLG course is a little ridiculous considering she hasn't even graded my discussion forum from last week or anything of that stuff.
**********************************
Within today and yesterday, I've researched:
-Mark Fuhrman's actions in relation to the O.J. Simpson trial
-"Testilying"
-The case of Michael Carr involving Detective Rudy Lemos "testilying"
-Types of surveillances (visual, audio, and contact)
-Uses for surveillances and the best choice for different crimes
-CODIS at the moment
-Latest trend of CODIS involving DNA samples being taken at birth
-Gubernatorial Strength in Ohio
-Voter participation in my area (including taking surveys from strangers)
All of the above except two, I needed to find four to six sources that were reliable. Finding the sources I needed caused the most problem.
So right now, I'm researching:
-Organized criminal gangs
-Undercover agents
-Fraud in utility bills (I need to also make my own police report including false names, locations, and police department name)
-State budgets (I have to develop my own for the state of Ohio with explanations for all revenues and spending)
-Jesse Ventura and everything about his single term as governor in Minnesota (I have to analyze it and come up with my explanations and arguments)
**********************************
I'm debating about taking a break from everything and possibly watching a movie. I have a really bad headache. Heck, honestly I'm handling the stress pretty well.
I want to at least get enough research done to complete two to four more assignments today.
I can only hope I have time for four more! LOL!
I'm getting busy again... Later.
11:30 Jan 28 2010
Times Read: 1,076
I'm thinking about being a hermit for a few days on here. I need a break from talking to people. I'm probably going to still be on this site rating and whatnot while lurking though.
I've been working on my homework again for an hour already. *yawns* I'm still tired though.
...Shadow is trying to get me to lay back down for a bit. *smiles* Got to love my kitty!
I'm sadly thinking about it though. My back is killing me again. I took three Tylenol and my reaction is setting in. I should probably go to sleep...
I think I will go back to bed.
:-)
God, I'm insane, aren't I?
I've been having conversations with myself in my journal entries lately... is that usual for people?
03:09 Jan 28 2010
Times Read: 1,085
I seriously want to cry! I just submitted another assignment after getting the four I set out to do today were done. So it makes number five for today... but damn it, I freakin' forgot to add my references.
I panicked. I used Word to get my APA references done as quickly as possible, even though we're not supposed to use it. I sent them to my professor in a message apologizing for the mistake.
Surely he'll understand... right?
I just really want to stop working on everything and relax for a few days.
I can't give up though. I'm so close to proving to myself I can do this. I can't let myself mess this up. I seriously can't.
I can do this, damn it.
I can!
22:51 Jan 27 2010
Times Read: 1,088
Listening to "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix Alot. Haha! I haven't heard this song in years!
I've gotten another assignment done. I'm currently working on another one. I needed to find five reliable sources on this one.
I think I'm gonna listen to "Hypnotize" by The Notorious BIG.
*smiles* Songs that always got me dancing and moving. I'm trying to think of more of them. Haha! I love dancing like a fool just to laugh at myself!
19:06 Jan 27 2010
Times Read: 1,092
I'm torn between doing my homework or cleaning some more. Or the compromise of trying to do both at once.
The situation as it stands is Brett just took Aurora over to my mom's for a few hours. He's coming back. I didn't get nearly as much cleaning done yesterday as I wanted to because of my back hurting.
There's still a few more loads of laundry to get done (one load is in the dryer), I didn't get to vacuum the living room floor, I didn't get to mop the kitchen or sort out the storage room.
*Sighs* I'm trying to get some kind of balanced plan going here. Or I guess I should put it as I'm trying to do everything at once and driving myself crazy.
There's so much on my mind. Last night's entry in here isn't even a fourth of what's there. I don't have the time to write or talk to anyone about it all. I really wish I did.
I'm trying to spend the days with Aurora, spend time with Brett and working on our relationship, get all of my homework done and turned in, work on my coven on here, cook more again (like I did in Nashville), keep working on my New Years resolutions, and try to keep up with the housework.
I don't have time to write. I don't have time for me. I don't have time to relax. I keep saying if I work harder, I'll get that spare time. Yet, where is it? I've been going strong for two weeks now doing all this and more. Yet, only one day did I find time to write five pages in my handwritten journal.
I'm to the point I can't think. My mind is all cluttered up by my thoughts and most of those, I can't even comprehend.
I'll admit I've thought of self-harm, just to calm my thoughts down. But I won't. I need to learn to cope if I'm going to get better. God, I need to cope and deal with my anxiety and depression instead of sweeping it under the carpet.
Brett and I worked out my goal for today's homework load. It's four assignments. I've already completed one.
I have until Sunday to get in 10 more Criminal Investigation assignments and 6 more State and Local Government assignments.
That's 16 total assignments. I started with over 30 assignments on Sunday.
I think I've gotten a lot done since then. I'm almost at the half way mark.
But I have until this Sunday to get all of the assignments done and handed in. That's four days without counting today.
I can do this.
I know I can.
I've already done how fuckin' much?
But like I said, my concentration level is causing me problems, my torn feelings of cleaning or doing homework, and me trying to shuffle everything on my plate.
I almost lost Brett. I'm not willing to neglect him or our relationship.
I'm sure as hell not neglecting my daughter!
I've already been letting my coven slip some. God, I hate to admit that one.
I've been trying to keep up with at least some of my New Years resolutions because it's improving my self-image and self-confidence.
I've only been cooking here and there when I have to.
And the housework has to be done. It can't go ignored. It can't be neglected. Brett's been trying to help me... but it's just not enough.
... I feel like I'm losing my mind.
02:34 Jan 27 2010
Times Read: 1,114
When I made my suicide plan my senior year, my mother literally said "It's just a phase and you'll be fine. It's all in your head."
Well I hate to tell my mother, it's years and years later and some nights I don't want to take even one more breath. I want to hide my shame forever without anyone knowing all of my secrets. There's words I need to speak to someone that I will never say to anyone... no matter how close they get to me. It doesn't matter.
If I can't trust you to save my life, why would I trust you with all of my secrets? -Me
There's two men and one boy who saved me in there own ways. Yet two are gone and the one is unavailable for me to talk to.
My knight in shining armor died in November. He was the only one close to the family who knew I've tried to commit suicide before and the whys to it all. He was the only one who I would talk to openly about it and he realized why I acted the ways I did when growing up.
The boy I tried to help and had my first kiss with killed himself. It was only through him killing himself that I asked someone for help my senior year before I did the same. He knew some of what had happened to me... not all of it though, only half.
The other man who saved me in his own way was a teacher of mine. He listened to me. He took me to turn me in. He always looked out for me and sadly, he taught most of my family and knew their reputations. I told him my last day half of my past because I felt like I owed him an explanation.
I'm depressed. I told a close friend today I wasn't thinking of committing suicide. That still stands true. But I am thinking about suicide in general and the effects of it.
This is when I have to ask:
Who would miss me?
How many things would just end with me out of the picture?
How could anyone even mourn for me?
What would people say?
How would they react to hearing that first time I killed myself?
Am I even worth missing?
I guess this is where I have to say you need to think about my anxiety here. I can't even leave the house without someone encouraging and comforting me. I can barely go places without Brett. I leave my house a maximum of 15 times a month and that's the most I have in about the past year. I can't always pick up the phone. I wake everyone up at odd hours from my anxiety attacks and flashbacks. Most of the time, people can't touch me without me flinching.
I don't know many people that wouldn't be glad in many ways to be freed from a person like me. Everyone feels trapped with me at one time or the other. I'm emotional 24/7 and no, that's not an exaggeration. I really wish it was. I have mood swings for no reason other then my depression, anxiety, personality disorder, and my severe PTSD. No, I'm not blaming it on my mental illnesses because I am starting to get better. I'm determined to. I still can't go out but I'm believing in myself just a little more and that's a big thing for me.
I've been thinking a lot the past few weeks. The thoughts, I haven't really been able to grasp. It's like I'll see someone say something or hear something and it snaps into place what I've been trying to comprehend. I've written about death and suicide a couple of times in my handwritten journal. It makes me uncomfortable like everyone is going to think I'm suicidal. I'm not.
Let me repeat that... I'm not suicidal.
I just think way too much at times, especially with my anxieties and depression.
At night I imagine how a tanker carrying gasoline or kerosene will be hit by the train and the glass from the sliding door will be forced in. That glass will kill me.
I've fantasized many times about someone killing me. I wonder how it would feel to hold my entrails in my hands while another person just laughs. What would go through one's head?
I've put myself in the situation to be raped and was upset because I was drugged. All because I missed my past and didn't want to feel disconnected from myself or what I thought was myself. I was angry beyond belief cause the drugs wouldn't have let me remember the pain that I was craving.
There's a reason why I stay away from questionable people anymore. I made that mistake not too long ago, I guess. Not again though. Brain taught me more then one lesson I guess.
I've done so many stupid things. Most of them centered around sex and my past. When I was nine, I thought my only purpose in life was to listen to my abuser and do what I was told. When I didn't, I was punished. I have tons of scars on my body from it all. Maybe I'm lucky for that though... I can look at a scar and know my past happened. That's more then what most childhood sexual abuse victims can say.
And there's that word again. Victim.
I want to be a survivor. Not a victim. Not a number. A survivor.
I can't consider myself one until my life stops spiraling around my past and my nightmares. I want my life to stop being a struggle to cope.
I want to be stronger then them.
I feel robbed in more then one way. I've been zoning more often the past week. It's not really good for me but I'm still getting stuff done.
Anyway, I want to change so much. I forget how I wanted to end this journal entry. That's pretty bad. Wait, now I remember some of it.
♥ Don't worry! We'll never say never ever! ♥
That's from an episode of Hello Kitty. It's one of my favorites.
There's nothing I can't do as long as I stick with it. I need to get on board with myself. I need to find what is me and what isn't. I need to decide whether I'm conquering this damn anxiety or surrendering to it. I'll honestly be damned to surrender though!
I can do anything. I'm only twenty-fuckin'-two years old. I'm going to succeed as much as I want to.
Yeah, I'm trying to get SSI right now. But I'm not abusing the system. I'm using it for what it's meant for. I know it's the taxpayers' money and all that bullshit. I was supposed to get money from them until I turned 22 anyways because my daddy was completely disabled... physically that is. He was a Vietnam Veteran and I'm pretty sure he paid for his right and my right to that damn money since I need it right now because I can't step outside my damn door.
I'm getting better... slowly but surely. I will get completely better. I'm choosing to get better.
I'm working on my New Years resolutions. I've been sticking with them. I've been cutting out the negative people in my life too.
I unblocked two people today. One because there's nothing left to be said and it seems we've come to some kind of understanding between us. And the other because I'm tired of seeing the screen name on my blocked list. It doesn't mean I want to talk to either of them. I'm more then willing to block them again if I need to.
Last thing for the night...
I've been listening to one song on repeat a lot the past two weeks. It's "So Human" by Lady Sovereign. I think many of the parts of the lyrics fit me so perfectly.
I've been waiting hours for this,
I've made myself so sick,
I wish I'd stayed asleep today (yeah)
I'm so human (yeah yeah)
It's ok (yeah yeah)
for me to feel this way (yeah yeah)
I'm still human (yeah yeah)
It's ok (yeah yeah)
for me to feel this way (yeah yeah)
...
Doesn't it feel much better Aha!
When you find a better day than yesterday?
I'm taking my medicine for the day, talking to Brett about this entry and going to bed. Night y'all.
Nine Year Old Commits Suicide At School 19:57 Jan 26 2010
Times Read: 1,136
My heart goes out to this little boy who killed himself. I'm going to keep up with the story as much as I can.
People say they can't imagine what's happening to a child that young to make them think of suicide.
But...
I've tried killing myself three times in my life. I'm only 22 years old. The first time I tried to commit suicide I was only ten years old. One year older then this child...
Here's the link for the video
I feel pretty horrible because I'm wondering what his parents are thinking, what the students and teachers of that school are thinking, and what he was thinking at those final moments. I've always wondered about the thought process of those effected by suicide since I was about eight or nine years old. I guess I wish I would have grown out of it by now.
18:57 Jan 26 2010
Times Read: 1,137
My goals have changed completely today. Instead of doing homework, I'm getting more laundry done, helping Brett with supper, hanging up clothes, hopefully sorting through the storage room, vacuuming the living room, sweeping the kitchen, and mopping the kitchen.
:-)
Oh and I plan on getting my two discussion forums done today. Which translates to two assignments. I may or may not be up to doing a couple of papers by the end of today.
But the reason for me cleaning instead of doing homework is because I'm having problems concentrating. I refuse to stress myself out even more trying to get it done today when I can't comprehend the directions for the assignments. It will get me no where... fast!
So I'm getting house work done while I can!
♥
09:23 Jan 26 2010
Times Read: 1,140
Some jackass decided to race the train tonight. Thank god there was no accident. I was woken up to the train laying on the horn and barely missing the car. Then when it went across again it blared it's horn six times. The worker who put out the flare was obviously unsettled by the event. It doesn't help that it's snowing insanely outside to the point it's almost a white out. I just took an anxiety pill and I'm hoping to get more sleep before starting on my homework. *yawns* It took so long for me to get to sleep. Night...
03:44 Jan 26 2010
Times Read: 1,143
I'm getting ready to go to bed. Aurora's tucked in and sleeping away. Brett's getting to bed too.
I just wanted to make a journal saying I got two more assignments done. *smiles* Both of which were for State and Local Government.
So that knocks me down to six assignments left in that class! Woot!
I'm tired now... I took my medicines at nine as usual but I really wanted to stay awake to finish those two assignments.
My goal for tomorrow is only six assignments.
Most of them involve research, essays, graphs, sketches, etc. so I'll have to put more time into each. But at least I can put that needed time into them.
My reasoning is if I set out to do only six tomorrow, I won't feel like I'm in such a rush. I'll spend more time on the details then I would usually.
I know I can do this! After all I've already done 12 assignments today alone. I've made a huge dent in my workload.
And I have a total of 17 more assignments left!
♥♥♥♥♥
01:55 Jan 26 2010
Times Read: 1,146
After working on my homework most of today, I can actually say I've made a dent.
:-)
What's left is:
11 assignments for Criminal Investigation
8 assignments for State and Local Government
That's only 19 more assignments!
How awesome is that?!
And yes, that includes all of the work and assignments for this current week too!
I have a right to be proud of myself! *nods*
20:48 Jan 25 2010
Times Read: 1,153
I have supper in the oven for when my love gets home. I know he was stressed about some things when he left a while ago. I made one of his favorite meals hoping to cheer him up some. *smiles*
I've taken Motrin and Tylenol out the butt. At least I can say I can move a little without my eyes tearing up threatening to become "leaky."
I've gotten my ten assignments done.
That was my goal.
I didn't care to watch a movie after wrapping up the tenth one though.
So what am I doing?
I've been cleaning.
So far I've:
-Hung up Aurora's clothes.
-Started sorting through ours.
-Got supper in the oven.
-Two loads of clothes.
I'm hoping to get some dishes done before my back starts hurting worse.
I've been a busy Tiffy though.
I'm proud of myself.
03:38 Jan 25 2010
Times Read: 1,169
I've been trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. It is not based on anyone's opinion of me, but my own. I wish I could write or type out everything that goes through my mind in just one day but I don't think that will ever be possible. At least not with how much I think through the current days.
I've been writing a lot in my handwritten journal when I can find the time. Making that time isn't always feasible or possible. I hope to change that soon enough.
I made my decision to change earlier this month. My starting point was my New Years resolutions.
***********************************
But how much have I accomplished of them thus far?
I'm stopped procrastinating as much but I'm still procrastinating to a seriously bad level.
I've been writing the good thing about myself every day in my written journal.
I've lost some weight (seven pounds) but I'm getting bloated from those monthly problems that come with having a vagina.
I'm improved my efforts on my homework and projects. If this was last quarter, I would have probably given up.
I've been bettering my relationship with Brett... and him with I.
And I've completely read one book since writing my resolutions. It's a miracle for me to finish a book in it's entirety.
***********************************
That's seven out of twenty resolutions I have been working on so far. Is it really enough to change who I am for who I want to be?
I need to be getting off of here and in bed soon.
I will get more homework done tomorrow.
... With what I have from this next week starting tomorrow... I have over 30 assignments to complete.
My goal for tomorrow is ten completed.
I can do this!
02:34 Jan 25 2010
Times Read: 1,174
I've been forced into sitting on a child's chair in the doorway with the laptop because of Aurora splashing.
I'm trying to develop my plan of action for tomorrow. I still have about 12 assignments left.
This is my last week for the one class. *sighs* I can do this, damn it.
I only got to complete five assignments today because of everything going on. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel ashamed.
But I can do this. The only thing holding me back on this is myself. Maybe I can take enough Motrin to take the edge off my back or something. It's an idea.
Ugh! Plan of action, here I come.
02:02 Jan 25 2010
Times Read: 1,176
I'm completely irritated at everything right now, mainly my back.
I've been trying to work on homework all day. I've gotten a bit done but not as much as I needed to.
And what am I doing right now?
Aurora played in her feces yet again. So I'm sitting here in the bathroom with her in the bath while she cleans up her toys. Brett's scrubbing the carpet because I physically can't at the moment.
And I... am in the bathroom with the laptop, watching Aurora, and trying to finish at least one more assignment before I go to bed tonight.
*sighs* I can't get in touch with her doctor until Tuesday because he's been on vacation or whatnot. I'm waiting until Tuesday to call the neurologist so Brett is there. I'm also going to call the dentist about the one area of my gums where the one tooth was pulled. However, I need to keep trying to get the SSI woman on the phone.
I'm going back to homework... before everything starts getting hectic again!
Frankie, I love you. Please help me get my sanity back! LOL! ♥
13:53 Jan 24 2010
Times Read: 1,184
I think I have to admit I'm a rating addict. In my time here on Vampire Rave, here are my statistics of the rating.
Ratings: 23,097
Once on a page, I rate it.
This morning I rated a profile that I probably shouldn't have. I'm not going to apologize for it though to anyone. It's just another profile anymore.
Haha! At least I gave it a fair rating. Right?
An eight is really good coming from me on here. And it's not bugging me anymore. It's pretty much the only profile I've gone to that I feel almost forbidden to rate. That's bad, huh?
Eh, I'm getting back to my homework now.
By the way, if you do read this "mystery person," the reason why I've been coming to your profile so much lately is because I was worried about you when I saw your kismet yesterday. You know, I'm not as heartless as I want to be. Not even halfway anymore of what I want to be in a lot of instances.
04:00 Jan 24 2010
Times Read: 1,194
It's almost 11 o'clock at night here. I just finished watching a movie on fearnet.com called Madhouse. I feel awake. My back is still killing me. I took all my medicines around nine but they're not making me drowsy for some reason. I'm debating about watching another movie or doing homework.
Considering my current situation, doing homework would be the better of the choices. Would it not?
The only problem with that is... a movie would take me until 12:30 a.m. but my homework would keep me awake all night. Which is the better solution?
If I fuck up my sleep pattern even more, it will take me like a week and sleep medicine to get back on schedule. God, I'm usually in bed by this time except certain nights when I stay up with Aurora, watching a movie with Brett, or can't really sleep.
The problem is I'm not all that tired right now. I've slept most of the day because of the Tylenol and that's just made everything that much harder.
As it stands right now, Aurora is still awake. She never listens to Brett about going to sleep and things. She's just as stubborn as me. *smiles* I may have to struggle to get up there just to tuck her in so she gets some sleep. Either way, she's getting up in the morning... whether I can move or not!
LOL!
I guess I should go to the bathroom and go from there. ♥
01:33 Jan 24 2010
Times Read: 1,196
My back has been hurting badly all day. I've taken about six or seven Tylenol. The only problem with that is I have a minor reaction and it makes me sleep. I've also been taking some Motrin for the swelling. I don't care what the fuck is going on this week... I absolutely have to get some kind of appointment set up with the neurologist. Anxiety or not! I can't lift my arms above my head. I can barely move at all. I can't even stay on the computer for more then 15 minutes at a time. I can't write in my journal. I can't do a damn thing because of the sharp pains. I've been getting light-headed because of the swelling in my upper back and neck where my curvature is. Like my one doctor said before, it'll get to a certain point it will cut off circulation and the only thing I can do is take something for the inflammation and try to relax. My curvature also swells from stress. *sighs* I need to get in there. I can't even walk up the steps without it taking me almost 10 minutes. I have to go. I need this because I can't keep dealing with the pain and my legs feeling like they're trapped in concrete blocks. I've been sleeping most of the day though because of the Tylenol so I haven't gotten to do my homework. I'm probably getting Brett to rub my back again for the third time today with the muscle rub stuff and going back to bed. Ugh! I hate dealing with this kind of pain... the pain that won't let up, that is.
I'm his
03:38 Jan 23 2010
Times Read: 1,218
Brett made me his "slave" tonight. I use the term loosely because I am far from what I would call a slave. Yes, he did command me. Yes, I followed everything he said. There was a safety word in use. I was tied up, gagged for a while, and whipped. I enjoyed it beyond belief... the satisfaction that I made him proud obeying him in his every word and waiting for the next surprise. I could tell in his eyes how much he enjoyed it all too.
This was our first real attempt at experimenting with the world of BDSM. We have both always been intrigued by it.
The main reason why I've always been pulled towards it is because of my past. I am fully submissive in the bedroom but I cannot stand giving up any control in the everyday world.
Some of the things I really need to work on before I even consider calling myself a slave are:
-Remembering the safety word.
-Learning to keep in the "real world" and not in a flashback.
-Connecting the pain and restrictions to pleasure and Brett.
God, that's enough for me to worry about right now.
I guess the things Brett needs to learn or catch on to are when I start having a flashback, when things need to stop, when He pushes my limits too much, and just how far He can push me.
I'm happy with how tonight went. I'm proud of myself in ways I've never been before. *smiles* I ended up having a flashback towards the end of things but He realized I forgot the safety word in my panic.
Heck, I don't think I could be more happy about how it went...
♥♥♥♥♥♥
20:13 Jan 22 2010
Times Read: 1,227
We went back to the consignment shop today to look around again.
We got Aurora two more bags full of clothes, me a bag of tops and a couple of pants, and Brett a bag with mostly pants but like four or five tops.
Yay!
So we've got Aurora, me, and Brett set for most part of the year all for a grand total of $37!
How completely awesome is that?!
I'm going to pile all the clothes on our bed so I can take a picture. I don't think anyone on here can grasp the idea of us getting so many clothes for so little!
Oh and I got one item I had to PAY with STORE CREDIT... it's a leather halter top that's a corset! *drools* It only cost me $8.
How fuckin' awesome is that?! Plus we still have $16 credit! Woot!
21:41 Jan 21 2010
Times Read: 1,237
We got back from the places we needed to go. Mom found a potty chair that Aurora actually likes! Woohoo!
She's been fighting me all the damn way on the potty training!
Grrrness!
The consignment shop isn't taking any clothes right now but we traded in her old riding toy she can't use anymore, her crawl-through aquarium thing, and her walker.
:-)
And we had to use my stash of money for my premium because there was a sale going on down there. Fill up a bag with clothes for $5 per bag! Yay!
We ended up getting $15 worth of grocery bags of clothes.
That's the way to get them though. Do you realize how much someone can put in a bag?!
My mom's chili was really good. She gave us a bowl to bring home for supper.
So we still have four boxes of clothes Aurora CANNOT wear. Ugh! Back in the storage room they go...
*sighs*
18:32 Jan 21 2010
Times Read: 1,239
We went to the store and got my mom the chilli seasoning she needed and the kitty litter we had to pick up.
We dropped Aurora off at my mom's.
We're loading the car now for the consignment shop. OMG! I hadn't realized how many clothes and things have accumulated of Aurora's that she can't wear anymore!
*sighs* We're about to head out again... and I'm light-headed. Ugh!
Oh something I wanted to write about in the last journal entry is a topic Brett and I discussed last night.
We've decided to keep some things off VR and not everything to be in the open of either of our families or friends. We're talking more about what I write and he's hopefully going to start writing again soon. LOL!
Later people.
17:14 Jan 21 2010
Times Read: 1,241
It's about noon and I've been up getting things done.
So far I've gotten the dishes washed, Aurora's clothes hung up, one load of clothes washed and in the dryer, and some writing done.
Brett gave Aurora a bath this morning while I got her food ready. She has been wanting to watch Scooby with us this morning.
She's calm for the most part and I'm really happy about it.
My mom's going to take her today for a couple of hours so Brett and I get a little bit of a break.
But during that time, we're taking another carload to the consignment shop. *sighs* We need to get it all out of here, damn it!
And this way, I can probably get Aurora a couple of toys, some books, and some clothes all on the credit we earn from turning things in.
That's always a great thing!
Who knows, maybe they will have another game for her Vmotion.
Oh and we might stop at the shop to get a movie or two for Brett and me. *smiles* It's always awesome to get brand new movies at $3 a pop. You can't beat that anywhere!
So everything we get at the consignment shop will be on credit. And everything we get at the shop we found will not come above $10.
:-)
How's that for saving some money?
************************************
This is going to be a horrible day for me on my anxiety. They're running cable to the apartment down from us and the main thing is by our apartment. I've taken three anxiety pills this morning trying to deal with it and I'm still jumpy and hyperventilating at times.
That's why I'm kind of willing to go out. I want away from the drilling and shit before I lose all calmness I have from Aurora being in the room.
I need to stay calm. Another 45 minutes and I'll be in my car with Brett driving.... Away from the drilling and the people. That's not that long and yet, it seems like forever in my mind.
00:26 Jan 21 2010
Times Read: 1,246
I ended up with about five pages before going to the store. Brett read everything I've written so far while I was gone.
I'm happy we're getting to talk about things. Maybe that's the main reason why I'm starting to get a little better at dealing with my anxiety.
I'm going back to writing while Brett plays some flash games to relax.
:-)
He's already having a little bit of vodka with Mountain Dew. It smells yummy! I'm thinking about having a drink with him a little later but I'm not sure. If I do, it will only contain like half a shot maybe. Just enough for the taste!
♥
22:42 Jan 20 2010
Times Read: 1,249
I was going to finish writing but I fell asleep.
I was the definition of exhausted. *sighs* I'm going to get my writing done once I get back from the store.
:-)
I'm trying to stay positive here. Trying to.
I feel worse now that I got that 30 minutes sleep though.
20:21 Jan 20 2010
Times Read: 1,261
I guess I should put something in here about what I'm feeling and what has gotten my mind so fogged.
Well, you're not that lucky.
I'm still writing. I just finished watching a movie, while I was writing, of course. Aurora is still napping. Yay! I'll wake her up within the next 30 minutes.
Oh and the good news is my mom and step-dad are going to watch her for a couple of hours tomorrow.
I'm determined to get at least five assignments done by the end of today. I already know I have to finish writing in my notebook to do so... otherwise, I'm going to just get more upset and feel like I failed.
I have to go to the store too. *sighs* I guess you might as well say we're almost out of some *major* girl things. So I can't send Brett to the store for it unless I want the kind I'm allergic to.
I'm already on page five in my writing and yet I have a shitload more the say. I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing.
*blushes* I guess a lot of it is just me being me, like always. I might let Brett read it tonight. It would let us have some more to talk about. *nods* Woot. We've been actually talking about things going on in our relationship and also having "intelligent" conversations about politics, religion, laws, etc.
*smiles*
It feels oh so wonderful to talk!
At least I can say I'm feeling a little better since I started writing. I don't feel so weighed down.
18:04 Jan 20 2010
Times Read: 1,263
I can't concentrate on my homework. This sucks. 18 assignments left and I can't concentrate enough to do them right now.
So what am I doing?
I'm writing in my handwritten journal to try to eliminate some of the thoughts going through my head.
I need to slow my thoughts down and the only way I know how is to talk or write about them all. Some of the things I don't care to talk to Brett about right now so I'm opting to writing in my notebook.
I've already written over a page.
I'm hoping Aurora takes her nap without any fighting.
But by the time I'm finished writing, if I keep at it that is, I'll probably have at least eight pages.
That's a lot of thoughts, huh?
LOL! I need to write more often, damn it.
16:01 Jan 20 2010
Times Read: 1,278
Why didn't Brett put it in the mail this morning? I have to get my assessment in there now before the mailman comes. Only problem is, I had a bad night, I'm really jumpy, and I don't know why my anxiety is so "up there" today and last night.
I've already tried opening that door three times. Each time, nothing but a failure. Damn it, Brett. Damn it, I thought I was getting better. But no, give me a piece of mail to put in the mailbox and I'm done.
What the hell?
All I have to do is open the door, open the screen door, and stick my head out to put the letter in.
But I can't. I can't do it. I'm tried of crying hopelessly because I just can't do it.
Failure adds to the anxiety.
The anxiety makes it harder.
The amount anxiety becomes extreme.
Tiffany fails again.
She cries to her heart's content to the point she can't anymore.
But she wants to get better.
Failure hinders more then anything, especially repeated failure in the same damn day.
Tiffany hides.
That's the endless cycle. It repeats every time I have to go outside of my apartment. It repeats almost every time someone calls me. It repeats almost every day multiple times during that given day.
I just want to get better. I'm trying. But what else is there left for me to do? I've done everything the psychiatrist has asked of me. I've tried every suggestion my therapist has offered. Yet I feel as though I'm getting worse and not better. It feels like I'm just doomed to stay in the cycle day after day until I'm too old to even try to get to the door.
Two years now. Two damn years.
Do you know how much time that is locked away in your own apartment because your fears and anxieties keep you imprisoned.
I just want out.
I want to live my life.
I want to ACTUALLY live.
I want to be free from these overwhelming fears, damn it.
Free.
02:22 Jan 20 2010
Times Read: 1,282
My blood sugar dropped tonight. I feel like shit now. I'm watching a movie because of my mood.
Damn rat people!
It's just like Nashville...
When I started losing weight and eating healthy down there, my blood sugar started going nuts for a couple of months before leveling out.
I cleaned a lot at least. I'll be doing my homework most of tomorrow. Maybe I'll watch another movie then while Aurora's asleep.
... The yesterday, Aurora got to hear about Politics while she fell asleep for her nap.
:-)
I guess that's one way to get some homework done, huh?
There's no way I can do that with Criminal Investigation though!
Going back to my movie. Later.
♥ Frankie loves me! ♥
22:23 Jan 19 2010
Times Read: 1,292
Aww! *blushes*
**********************************
Frankie: mmm :/
Frankie: Tiffy
Frankie: can I ask you something?
Tiffany: yes
Frankie: I mean, I've always wondered why people
Frankie: idk, why people just love me I guess
Frankie: not in a self-loathing way or anything like that
Frankie: I'm just very intrigued to define the characteristics that makes everyone like me o_o
Tiffany: I know what you mean completely. I wonder that to a lot. I mean, Brett's been with me for over three years and I don't even know what drew him to me in the first place! o.O He can't ever answer the question of "Why do you love me?" It's like it's one of those guy choker-uppers.
Frankie: oh god yeah
Frankie: only answer I've got is
Frankie: well its "because you're you"
Frankie: I was like what the hell does that mean?
Frankie: I can't exactly step outside myself and see me as you see me can I?
Frankie: lol, unless they mean that I won't change because people want me too
Tiffany: I love you because you're smart, funny, awesome to talk to, you're confident at most times, you care about people, you would rather stay up at night talking to me if I need it then go to bed (that always means a lot to me even if I don't take advantage of it all that much), you put other people before yourself but can put yourself before others when the situation calls for it, you're pretty (but that's just a bonus! LOL!), you're motivated and that has always made me admire you, you're spontanious (sp?), you don't care what people think of you, you like what you like and really don't give a shit if someone else does or not *nods*, you're opinionated about things that are special to you...
Frankie: 8D!
Frankie: Oh God I love you!
Frankie: You're like, the only person ever who has been able to give me an honest, decent answer to that :3
Frankie: lol and the (sp), it's e not i I think hahaha
Frankie: spontaneous
Frankie: yeah
Frankie: I think thats it lol
Tiffany: you can almost always tell when something is wrong, you're a great friend, you're never fake or trying to mask something over, you admit when you need help or a confidence booster, you're determined more then anyone I know, and because you are you... you will go out of your way to help someone you don't even really know... there's not many people who really do that anymore without expecting something in turn.... that's more then most people can ever say!
Tiffany: LOL!
Tiffany: Sorry about the misspelled word.
Frankie: D:
Frankie: You asked lol
Frankie: awwh
Frankie: Well, I love you because you're a fighter
Tiffany: awww
Tiffany: *smiles*
Frankie: But you know you don't want to fight forever. You want to overcome things and better yourself, and you're willing to work for them. You may not like your silly little ocd quirks, but they've got you a long way so far, and they're part of what makes you so unique
Frankie: You're creative and smart, and there's one part I just love, which is when you're presented with a problem, then like a revelation someone will say something that will "click" with you, and you see the situation in a whole new light.
Tiffany: hehe
Tiffany: I always hate that... especially right now without talking to many people. It clicks all too well at times!
Frankie: You're a great motivater and a leader, even if you do hide under the bed ^_^ You're caring and kind - look at one of the reasons you created the coven! To help other people get out of somewhere they don't want to be. I respect and admire you as both a friend and the gorgeous, amazing girl you are. *licks*
Frankie: I loves you ^^
Tiffany: *lick licks!*
Tiffany: I'm an so putting your response in my journal *nods* Cheery material
Tiffany: You want it public or private?
Tiffany: LOL!
Frankie: Lol you're going in mine too ^_^
Frankie: public, unless you want otherwise
Tiffany: You know I don't care
**********************************
Yay! I'm loved. Someone has finally answered that dreaded question of "Why do you love me?" in an honest way. I don't ever want to hear bullshit, although it's nice at times! LOL!
19:58 Jan 19 2010
Times Read: 1,299
We just got back from the store.
We got some alcohol, Pepsi, and Mountain Dew while out. *nods* Vodka. Aurora got a couple of small toys. I got a toilet brush, a broom, and 20 toddler clothes hangers.
... I think I got the worse part of the deal, huh?
I only plan on having one drink out of the whole bottle of vodka. It's not like it's really for me. I won't really get drunk or something on my medicines, especially when they're working better then the whole time I've been on them.
I don't know whether I'm going to do my homework or clean.
The cleaning has been getting to me a lot. There's about a load of dishes to be done, three loads of laundry, and a couple of boxes to be sorted through. The other stuff that needs done is the regular things as in vacuuming the living room floor, sweeping the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom (Yuck!), vacuuming the stairs (fun fun), and things like that.
I really need to wash all of the windows too. *sighs* I have ALWAYS hated washing windows.
But I have those damn assignments left... 18 assignments left total. I'm going to get caught up this week. I'm determined to get it done. I know I can. I already proved that to myself yesterday by completing 14 assignments alone.
:-)
I just don't know which is causing more stress homework or cleaning. I'm pretty sure the cleaning is since it has always affected me.
The state of the apartment is affecting me more then anything. I'm a firm believer that your environment affects how you take in and evaluate situations happening.
So cleaning it is!
02:19 Jan 19 2010
Times Read: 1,307
So I haven't been working on my homework much since my last entry. It started to irritate me more then anything.
So I've been writing in my handwritten journal. But since I hit a standstill on that too...
What am I doing now?
Cleaning.
And trying to get a kitty to drink milk since she ate laundry detergent.
For the looks of everything, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to get to bed. LOL! Aurora isn't even asleep yet either.
22:38 Jan 18 2010
Times Read: 1,318
So far today with doing nothing but homework, VR, and taking care of Aurora, I've managed to get done with a lot of homework!
Woot! ♥
Out of everything I listed earlier, I have TOTAL, which means a combination of late assignments and those for this week left...
For Criminal Investigation: 8/15
For State and Local Government: 10/17
Which means I've gotten like 14 assignments done today!
I'm proud of myself!
My eyes are killing me though. I'm thinking of giving up for the day... but I'm not sure. I just want to get my workload of homework down before this weekend.
*nods*
18:11 Jan 18 2010
Times Read: 1,330
I'm itchy! Itchy, itchy, itchy, itchy, itchy! I'm itchy!
Can you guess what it's from?
:-)
I'll do better and just say it now! I got a shower. I'm itchy from the water. I took an allergy pill. I hate being allergic to the shit in it!
*pouts* Waiting for the medicine to kick in, but at least I feel better.
13:29 Jan 18 2010
Times Read: 1,338
So on top of the five assignments for Criminal Investigation from yesterday...
I want to get the assignments given to us this week done before the late ones.
So for CI this week I have 9 assignments.
For the SLG this week I have 13 assignments, five of which are essays.
Late assignments include:
5 for CI
4 for SLG
Not too bad, I guess. I'm getting shit done though. I'm getting started now. *sighs* Long day, indeed.
03:19 Jan 18 2010
Times Read: 1,347
Out of 11 things I had to get done for my classes.
I ended up getting six of them done.
I'll have more added tomorrow.
I can do this. I can get caught up. I know I can. It's not as hard as I think. I have my assignments saved in case I can't get on the school's portal. I have my lists made out... excluding what's to be added tomorrow.
I'm getting to bed.
By the way, I'm still horny as hell too. Maybe it will lead to some interesting dreams! LOL!
Night all.
20:34 Jan 17 2010
Times Read: 1,355
I'm horny as all hell and being forced to do State and Local Government homework!
What's wrong with this picture?!
*sighs* Get it done... possibly get play.
*pouts and stalks away from VR*
03:04 Jan 17 2010
Times Read: 1,371
Not sure if I'm going to bed or not soon. Brett and I are watching Without a Paddle so that we can relax. Aurora's in bed. We just ate about 8:45 pm. Dinner was late getting done because of my back.
I feel bad about it.
In the meantime, I'm hoping the misunderstanding with the member talked about in the last two entries will be sorted out in some way before I get back on. I don't care if I'm blocked. It's not far my members are being punished for me not answering a message soon enough.
Night ya'll!
02:27 Jan 17 2010
Times Read: 1,373
Something sent to me by Brett Brett.
************************************
fyre
Malcontent (9)
21:09:13
Jan 16 2010
Reply
Block User
Delete
Delete
To Saved
Email to Self
Ummm, no.... DireConsequences is my fiancee... We are sharing a computer right now as I need to get her a wireless card for her desktop. You might want to learn about what you are talking about before you go spouting off at the mouth. I am no where near as nice as she is. I have been on this site her a few years now. All the admin know that we are 2 separate people...
I am done with you.... If you want to be traded, then message her... She has already gotten an offer for you but will not trade any individual without having a CONVERSATION with said person...
**************************************
If this person really wants to just leave this situation as stands then so be it. I already took one anxiety pill because of the situation and shit.
I can't believe I'm letting someone I've never met or even talked to get to me like this.
Yeah, I have a trade offer for them, but I won't trade them without having some kind of conversation with them to see if that's what they want. I don't care about being blocked. It's the person's right along with every other member on VR.
Brett was trying to talk to them on his account, fyre. I don't even know what was said but only he's upset too, more like pissed off. I guess the person blocked him after saying something about his account being an alternative for me.
No, it isn't. I don't know his password or his conversations or anything. Just because right now I don't have internet on my desktop shouldn't be cause enough for someone to act foolish towards me. I didn't ignore his messages. I wasn't at the laptop. I was cleaning up my daughter from where she had played in feces and also fixed dinner to get it in the oven.
I'm not him. He's not me. God. What the hell.
I could understand if we wrote alike and everything or if we were always on at the same time. I'm not even sure if he logged me out tonight before getting on Firefox with his since I use Chrome.
I hate Firefox anymore and refuse to use it.
But anyway... the below is on his profile...
*************************************
"I've been forcebly inducted into a coven twice on this site and the first time it happened I requested that I be released, without hesitation the young lady in question (shelian from The Coven of Orbis Angui) released me and was very nice about doing so, she understood I was here to relax and didn't really have time to contribute to her family whom i'm sure are all as hard working and as friendly as she was, her attitude was a credit to her and shows she is worthy to Sire.
HOWEVER AFTER BEING IGNORED TWICE IN MY REQUEST TO BE RELEASED FROM A FORCED INDUCTION INTO THE COVEN OF DARKENED FOREST BY DIRECONSEQUENCES I WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT FORCED INDUCTIONS AND WILL BLOCK NOT ONLY THE COVEN MASTER BUT ALSO EVERY MEMBER OF SAID COVEN, THIS SO CALLED MENTOR DIRECONSEQUENCES IS NOT WORTHY TO SIRE ANYBODY.
AS A CLAN LEADER MYSELF ON ANOTHER SYSTEM WITH FAR MORE MEMBERS I RECOGNISE LEADERSHIP, TO BE BLATENTLY IGNORED TWICE BY A LIEGE IS UNFORGIVABLE AND HAS DULLED MY VIEW OF THIS SITE."
*************************************
I guess I have a new member who is on blind until further notice? I don't really want to trade them without talking to them... I won't. That's just me.
But if it gets to me enough, I might.
I have enough on my mind without someone I inducted into my coven getting under my skin.
This is why I lurked on here for the longest time. It was so I didn't have to deal with the rudeness and downright cruel words of others. I've been doing so much better lately. I can't and won't let anyone, including this, get me back down.
00:46 Jan 17 2010
Times Read: 1,384
Here you go, Sabrefang. Since you blocked me and all.
"My coven is actually one of the more flexible ones on Vampire Rave. No matter what your profile says, you will get inducted, whether it be by myself or another society. It's how things work on the site. I'm sorry if you take this as being offensive. I don't mean to come off as being rude. I've just been having a rough day.
:-)
I hope this message does find you well."
What thoughts?!
05:29 Jan 16 2010
Times Read: 1,402
God there's so much going through my mind right now. It's disturbing me a little bit. Most of it has to do with sex (of course), death and dying, what support means to me, goals in life and in general, what turns me on, and a whole bunch of others.
Tonight I'm going to have some "interesting" dreams, huh?
Oh well. Maybe I'll have something more to write about then.
:-)
01:19 Jan 16 2010
Times Read: 1,409
I have come into contact with someone who has become kind of a surrogate father towards me. He pointed it out after I was already thinking it too.
♥ I don't think he knows how much he's been helping me.
I do hope to meet him sometime this year or next. I would absolutely love to do so and get to spend some time with him.
I know that life goes by so slow for me. I have nothing to do all day other then read, write, do homework, listen to music, play with Aurora, watch movies (mostly with her), cleaning, crafts, talking to people online, and VR in general.
Not much of a life, huh?
My daughter is my life. I would do anything for her. I've been trying to step outside with her during the day. She needs to go out...
I need to get better. For myself, for my life to be lived, for my daughter to aspire to her full potential, and for me to heal from my past.
I know I can do all of this and more.
This man that has effected me so much in the short time I've known him... I want to meet him.
I don't even know if he realizes this or not. But I feel calm when I talk to him or think back to our conversations.
He's part of the support group I'm putting together.
Life is short, I need to get on with it! ♥
But I thought I would place this here since I've been thinking about it a while.
OMG! I didn't realize how fat I have gotten!03:23 Jan 15 2010
Times Read: 1,439
This is going to sound really negative. But you wanna see how fat I am?!
This shoot is from a video at Christmas time of Aurora opening her gifts at my mom's house.
This is why I need to lose the weight... for me!
I'm DETERMINED to get this weight off, the 50 pounds that is!
You want to know why I'm upset right now?
I've been obese since about fourth grade. It's when my grandpap died, I started emotionally eating, and the summer after I got my heel-cord surgery done. I was in casts on both of my legs.
Alright. I could never stop emotionally eating. I still have problems with it... badly!
So when I went down to Nashville, I vowed to get the weight off by eating healthy and walking... a lot.
This picture is taken right before my birthday in March of 2007. It was RIGHT BEFORE I found out I was pregnant. I was down to 172-175 pounds, depending when I weighed myself.
That's what I want to get back down to! That's what I miss! My legs, my back, my chest, and everything... didn't hurt as badly! I could get up and not fall for the most part!
Yes, I'm crying right now. I'm upset. I'm horribly depressed. I just want to hide. Instead... I'm thinking of burning some energy on the Wii or something.
02:35 Jan 15 2010
Times Read: 1,440
When we were out today, we stopped at this shop we always wanted to go in.
There were lots of things there, including DVDs. We got like four DVDS for $3 each...
Not only that...
We got a 4 hour porno for us to watch together.
^.^
The girls in it are really cute. Best thing about it... they're amateurs. You can tell because they are nervous and everything else. It's a nice change from the fake moaning and things of other ones.
If you're wondering why I'm writing in here about this... that's because Brett and I are kind of hoping it helps me with my sex addiction some.
It was suggested before as a means to either cut back on sex or enjoy it together. *nods*
I'm happy. I just got sex. LOL!
Time for more homework now... *pouts* Yes, I really am pouting!
23:54 Jan 14 2010
Times Read: 1,447
I just posted some of this as a comment on a journal.
:-)
I ended up taking one of my anxiety pills.
But I'm excited... I got the nerve up to ask a guy (complete stranger) if he played D&D. He didn't. He was German. He lives up New York though and visiting.
I wouldn't have gotten that nerve even a month ago.
I've already found that closing yourself off from the world doesn't help one too much. You always have some kind of influence from it. Plus you miss out on the great things like seeing children playing tag or other games. The little things in life.
That's why I'm trying to go out. No matter what I do in my own home, I can't pretend or fake that aspect of it.
I can't recreate dew on the leaves in the morning or the feeling of a snowball melting in my hand. I can't make the sunlight reflect off of the river outside just so. I can't see a bird learning to fly or a cat nurse it's kittens.
Some moments in life are worth that fear for me.
That's why I keep trying to get better.
I'm a chicken shit. I know I am. I've been in the position of not leaving my apartment for months on end.
I want to get better.
I want to see the birds and feel breezes on my skin that carry the scent of lilacs.
I want these things... these small things...
Unless I get better, I can't have them.
17:54 Jan 14 2010
Times Read: 1,456
We're going out today. There's a knot in my throat that won't go away. I feel like crying and hiding upstairs.
I need to go though.
We have to get a money order.
I need a sketchbook.
We need to get the one bill straightened out.
We have to take some stuff to the consignment shop.
We need to take our cans in.
My mom is going to watch Aurora for a couple of hours for us.
:-)
Oh and we have to go to the college to get a copy of Brett's transcript.
I'm taking my pills with me, as always. I'm hoping I don't need them though. I'm going to take my music and headphones.
I'll be okay. I can do this.
Damn it, I know I can.
04:03 Jan 14 2010
Times Read: 1,461
One of my new years resolutions is to lose 50 pounds by the end of this year. It's a reasonable goal. It only calculates to a little over 1.5 pounds.
:-)
I've already gotten a good running start.
Two weeks ago, I weighed a total of 264 pounds.
That's the most I've ever weighed!
I was terrified to get on the scale but I've noticed so many changes in my body the past week and a half.
Those changes are...
More energy.
Less appetite but hungrier in the morning.
Tummy tightening up.
My chest hurting around the ribs.
My pants loosening up a lot.
So I braved it. I got on the scale tonight because I couldn't wait until morning.
I weigh...
257 pounds!
I'm going to weigh myself in the morning to check it to make sure.
But if it's right, I've lost a total of 7 pounds in about two weeks! That's insanely amazing!
Now something I never really thought too much about in Nashville but I am now...
My ribs are hurting from the lost weight. I had this problem in Nashville when losing the weight.
I was wondering if anyone could suggest some things to loosen up the muscles and get a little of the pain to subside.
I can't sleep tonight so far because of it. So that's a problem and why I'm even making a request.
I'm going to try taking a nice hot shower and try to sleep again. If it doesn't work, I'm going to read, do homework or something. I don't want to "waste time."
Especially since I know early in the morning, Aurora will be awake and ready to go!
16:20 Jan 13 2010
Times Read: 1,474
The medicine has kicked in for the most part. I'm feeling better. I'm still jumping but not so bad.
I'll be okay.
At least I'm getting better at managing to stay as calm as possible until the medicine takes away the edge.
I'm getting somewhat better damn it.
It only took one pill when it usually takes two or three when I'm starting to have a panic attack like that.
One pill.
That's improvement.
I'm proud of myself for being able to catch myself again.
One downfall... I'm sleepy now. I may take a nap when Aurora lays down.
15:37 Jan 13 2010
Times Read: 1,479
If you've been talking to me this morning, there's reason why I stopped.
I'm overwhelmingly scared right now. Idon't know why I feel this way even. I took an anxiety pill.
I'm lurking and rating. I'll message when I'm not so scared.
I'm writing, doing my homework, listening to music, and movie playing in the background.
I'm trying to distract myself until the medicine works.
I don't want to take a second one if I don't have to and I don'tplan on doing so.
I'm just I don't know but the anxiety is making my chest hurt, I'm crying, I feel like I'm going to puke again, and I feel light headed.
I can do this. Damn it. I can.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I wish I could scream.
Later
14:04 Jan 13 2010
Times Read: 1,483
*sings*
"Hate is a strong word,
but i really, really, really don't like you.
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you.
Brought you around,
and you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word,
but I really, really, really don't like you."
Song of the day, I guess. It's Plain White T's and called "Hate (I really don't like you)."
It's how I feel about a lot of people right now. I don't hate them. Hell, there's only two people I can say I really hate and despise. But I usually don't hate people. It takes too much energy and doesn't accomplish anything!
I've been listening to music a lot again. I'm open to ideas if you want to suggest something. I'm looking for some new artists and whatnot.
♥
And no, the excerpt of the song I posted isn't in reference to anyone. Don't flatter yourselves.
13:11 Jan 13 2010
Times Read: 1,486
I've been awake since about four o'clock this morning. God, that's way too early when I didn't get to bed until after one o'clock thanks to Brett.
Anyway, I decided back then I wasn't going back to bed. I'm going to take advantage of the sleepless night I had.
:-)
I'm going to do my homework and write in my handwritten journal.
************************************
List to do:
Homework:
Paper on circumstantial and direct evidence (CI)
Paper on the flow of paperwork (I have to "invent" a crime) (CI)
Paper on police surveillance (CI)
Paper on creating a wanted notice (I have to write a broadcast alarm too) (CI)
Two page paper on Supreme Court cases that has in some way influenced federalism (SL)
Two page paper on voter participation in my hometown and general area (SL)
Two essay questions (SL)
Around the home:
Laundry (I didn't get to it the other day)
Dishes
Cleaning up all the toys (they will be there again by tomorrow by noon LOL!)
************************************
Enough to keep me busy today?
Oh and let's not forget the newest contest!
I want to rewrite my profile, take photographs, redo my CSS, and manipulate the layout skins.
That's going to be over the next few days though.
:-)
03:58 Jan 13 2010
Times Read: 1,488
I wanted to post in here that I finally found my hand-written journal.
The last entry I got to write was at 12:30 am on New Years Day.
I've been missing it for about 12 days now!
I've been freaking out, crying, and feeling lost without it...
I'm happy it's back!
Mama aka the big fat kitty has been laying on the back of my couch almost nonstop. Every time I tried looking behind my couch, she was there and I didn't see it.
Low and behold, I found it under where she lays on the floor.
I've already started writing in it again!
I've missed it incredibly!
I gots some balls! Yes, I do. How 'bout you? *hides again*
02:21 Jan 13 2010
Times Read: 1,496
Profile Contest - Contest 3
Posted: 21:19:36 - Jan 12 2010
Times viewed: 1
Alright. Point taken!
I'm sorry for being difficult! LOL!
Cool your jets, hun. I thought you were a pilot.
JUST JOKING!
Please don't suspend me! *hides*
01:48 Jan 13 2010
Times Read: 1,499
I LOVE the newest contest! I also like the fact Cancer is going to choose some free members too!
You rock, Cancer! You seriously rock!
I guess it's time for me to get non-afraid of CSS, huh?
This is going to be fun!
♥♥♥
18:19 Jan 12 2010
Times Read: 1,517
*sings*
"The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
We don't need no water, I'm about to fuckin' cum!"
I think this would have been appropriate for yesterday evening. *nods*
Damn skippy!
Tiffy is back to the rabbit life! Hell yeahz!
I'm starting to feel like my normal self again!
♥♥♥♥♥
Hillbilly Tiffy?
17:13 Jan 12 2010
Times Read: 1,525
I've always wondered what it would be like to eat roadkill stew.
Does that make me weird?
I have some family members in the hills. I've always wanted to spend time with them and learn to live off the land without the chaos of the world.
*nods*
Maybe I should talk to my mom about me getting in contact with them. The last time I really got to meet them was my dad's funeral. They came in the back of a pick-up truck.
15:00 Jan 12 2010
Times Read: 1,530
I hate bill collectors.
They always make you feel like shit.
They don't listen to you.
They're pushy as hell.
Thank you Chase!
03:38 Jan 12 2010
Times Read: 1,540
I'm going to be getting off for the night.
Night guys!
Sorry Aunt Gina... can't continue our fight! LOL!
♥
New Years Resolutions
01:28 Jan 12 2010
Times Read: 1,576
Okay so this is kind of late, right? Who cares! I'm posting it now! LOL!
1. Start eating healthier.
2. Start exercising in some way every other day if possible.
3. Stop procrastinating so much!
4. Get to the point I can go for a walk with Brett by the end of summer.
5. Lose a total of 50 lbs.
*Remember this is for the whole year!*
6. Get my self confidence and self esteem up.
7. Improve my efforts on my homework and projects.
8. Get into sewing more!
9. Start embroidering again... especially since my Grandma would want me to not avoid it because it makes me cry now.
10. Start remembering more of the good times with those deceased. Not just the bad!
11. Start writing at least one good thing about myself everyday before I do anything else.
*Maybe I'll pee first, I don't want to pee the bed or my pants.*
12. Better my relationship with Brett.
*We've gotten so much better, but we still have a long way to go.*
13. Work on my past.
14. Start going to my appointments like I'm supposed to... even if I'm terrified to go.
*Therapist, Psychiatrist, Dentist, etc.*
15. Develop a healthier sex life. Possibly go to Sex Addicts Anonymous.
16. Find at least one survivor to talk to about my past and the ways I have dealt with it.
17. Create a support "group" and a suicide plan. Just in case. That way IF I feel down, I can call or get online to people I trust completely.
18. Cut negative people out of my life completely.
*I don't need bullshit people in it!*
19. Be able to call someone on the phone when I need to.
20. Start reading more books and hopefully, finishing them!
I think that's enough to fill my year with, right?
Oh and going to Yesterday's with Court Court!!! ♥ ♥
21:49 Jan 11 2010
Times Read: 1,587
I've been feeling kind of blah today. It's not because of anyone or anything.
The feeling is just there.
I've been trying to get everything on my list done.
I made the yummy food.
I got the television stand downstairs and the television hooked up.
*I couldn't find all the cords. I'm going to have Brett do that part.*
I sorted through the consignment shop things that were NOT in the storage room.
Aurora's been unusually fussy today for some reason. It has gotten me definitely side-tracked but nothing too bad.
I need to get my homework done now. Once I complete it, I'll go back to getting the mundane things done.
:-)
Blahish but I've still got spunk!
18:42 Jan 11 2010
Times Read: 1,593
You want to know some of my thoughts, huh? Well here they are...
"Don't let him EVER make you feel guilty about shit. You didn't do it to him and neither did I. He's trying to turn the tables and make everything seem like it's our fault... and it's not. We didn't force him to lie, cheat, and everything else.
Maybe freakin' Kayla will let them live with her!
It's a possibility.
I'm posting this reply I'm sending to you in my journal... nothing else though. It's my view on things. I'm not unblocking him anywhere. I stand by that statement. The only reason I am talking to him on the kismets is because it's in public eyes. There's other people watching. I'm not letting him get to me ever again.
He wants to call me a liar. Fine. The least he can do is spell it right! But as far as it goes, no I'm not. I repeated what some people confirmed in Bellaire in my journal. He can't fault me for that. As for the whole Brett dead thing, I never confirmed nor denied. Brett did get a pager where he was going out on odd jobs here and there to help friends. Also his nickname is Ty from Tyler calling him that when they were playing video games. *nods* I think that's everything he can "call me out on" or at least everything I can think of. I'm not worrying about it anymore. He's the least of my concerns anymore.
:-)
I'm looking out for me now and so should you! Hell, everyone on my friends list and beyond should take that advice."
My reply to someone else. I'm posting this as my reply because I don't have the time to write something just for him.
I'm tired of the shit.
Okay, you're with someone else. Fine, then leave me out of it. You're not sorry. Even if you were, okay... it's wasted energy because I'm not listening anymore!
Miss me all you want, Tony... I don't miss you anymore.
It's simple. It's done and over with.
In the past where it should be and where it's staying.
You said repeatedly when we were friends that I was the best one you ever had other then Brandy.
Well let's see how you do without me there for you to cry on my shoulder.
I don't want the friendship. I don't want a damn thing from you.
And that's that.
17:50 Jan 11 2010
Times Read: 1,605
XxNephthysxX
Behemoth (65)
*pats* just cus you wanna lick cream off my boobies♥
Set at 12:46 on January 11 2010
********************************
What kind of cream?
There may be a confession soon enough! LOL!
I... I....
I...
Frankie, I....
Nevermind...
ROFL!
17:38 Jan 11 2010
Times Read: 1,613
XxNephthysxX
Behemoth (65)
It's like watching a really small version of the vampbox ^_^ ♥
Set at 12:35 on January 11 2010
*****************************
Fuck you, Frankie! Just wait... just you wait... We'll be meeting. *nods* Hah! I'll get you back!
*smiles* I love you lots! And I don't think you could love me more! LOL!
17:31 Jan 11 2010
Times Read: 1,618
I love you, Frankie!
*hugs*
XxNephthysxX
Behemoth (65)
Oh Dear Lord will you two stop! -_- '
Set at 12:25 on January 11 2010
You know where I stand. Damn it.
17:18 Jan 11 2010
Times Read: 1,621
Not every kismet I put up is about you.
It's not centered around anyone.
It's just something on my mind. That's it.
It is meant to be a general statement. Not a jab, stab, or in reference to anyone.
For later on...
Kismet currently:
DireConsequences
Never say you're sorry, when you're not in the least bit.♥
04:30 Jan 11 2010
Times Read: 1,627
I'm tired. I'm getting some sleep before I fall asleep on this thing.
I got most of my homework done.
I still have to get finished:
Course Project Part 1
Exam W1-3 (Two more essay questions)
I think I've done pretty damn good today!
I've finished all of the below:
2 - Discussion Forum with 2 responses each to peers (the research sucked big time on the one!)
4 - Lesson Presentations
1 - 2 Page Paper with all the citing for the research (that was a nightmare trying to locate the information I needed)
On top of all of that, I need to find my SmartDraw cd-rom for my crime scene illustration. *pouts* I'm not sure what box it is in since I still haven't completely unpacked my discs and things of that nature for my drawers for classes and homework. It was originally sent with my Criminal Justice course for last quarter.
I'll find it. I know I will!
^.^
So my list for the other mundane stuff includes:
Getting done with the dishes.
Cooking yummy food for lunch and dinner.
Doing laundry.
Putting clothes away.
Matching up outfits for Aurora.
*Brett has a bad habit of putting her in clothes that DON'T match! It's a pet peeve!*
Sort through the consignment shop things.
Get the television stand back downstairs and our game systems hooked up again!
It's enough to keep me busy. In the morning I'm going to concentrate on one or the other. It's either chores or the homework. That way I can actually concentrate and try to control where my thoughts are heading at a specific time.
*nods*
I've been doing better the past couple of days. Brett has noticed a big change. I'm hoping I can stick with it. I know I've been doubting myself so much today... especially tonight when I had to face I couldn't get all of it done. What I didn't get finished isn't that bad compared to what it had once been, right? That's what I'm concentrating on.
... Also I need to stop listening to Brett. We needed something for Aurora's safety from Walmart. She broke her door thing. Pulled it from the wall. We had to get new ones to anchor it back in the door frame. So I went with to make sure it was a matched fit.
Ugh! Stores! Hate, hate, HATE!
But anyway, we went there. We tried to hurry up but we were gone about an hour and a half. We had supper which was another hour of my time. Plus I needed to get back in the "swing of things" to get my homework started again.
It's my fault I didn't get completely finished. My bad choices of not getting it done first.
I wasn't about to let Aurora get hurt though or take her out after dark. It's so cold here.
I just realized how long this entry is. I went to make a small list and whatnot. I wasn't meaning to write all of this.
I guess rants will happen though, especially when it comes to me.
:-)
I'm going to up early tomorrow. I'll be around and probably rating the database. Just message if you need me. I'll get to it in due time. Promise.
♥♥♥
Nighty night!
18:50 Jan 10 2010
Times Read: 1,641
Listening to the argument for Illinois v. Perkins. If you don't know the case, it had a huge effect on Miranda rights. It has to do with an undercover officer placed in a suspect's cell. The suspect was in there for other charges and while being held, confessed to the undercover officer about a murder he committed.
The argument is about whether the undercover officer had to read the suspect his Miranda rights.
The Supreme Court ruled against Perkins saying it didn't violate his rights.
I agree with the Supreme Court ruling because Perkins admitted of his own free will the information about the murder. It was his own ignorance that he suffered from as the woman for the state put it.
Back to listening to the argument and court proceedings so I can get this discussion forum done and out of the way.
17:51 Jan 10 2010
Times Read: 1,646
I feel like I'm going insane at the moment.
I've gotten a headache from spending so much time on this damned laptop.
I've taken some Tylenol so it'll be okay!
:-)
I've done so far today:
1 - 2 page paper with citing of all the research
1 - Discussion Forum with 2 responses to peers
3 - Lesson Presentations
I have yet to do:
1 - Lesson Presentation
1 - Discussion Forum with 2 responses to peers
Course Project Part 1
Exam W1-3 (Five essay questions)
I'm okay. I'm staying spunky!
I'm still feeling happy from last night and I'm not going to let that escape any time soon!
I have a lot to do but I'm getting it done! Woot!
16:11 Jan 10 2010
Times Read: 1,653
*sings*
Lurky, lurky,
lurk, lurk, lurk
I'm a lurker,
She's a lurker,
We're morning lurkers together!
*hug hug*
*licky lick!*
****************************
*blushes*
She caught me lurking this morning!
Maybe I should feel dirty? LOL! At least it was her and not some creepy guy...
I've been doing my homework all morning since about 8 o'clock. I've gotten about three things finished up now. Ugh! Lots more to go!
I'll get it done by the end of today though!
I know I can...
I've done more in a shorter amount of time.
As soon as I get this lot finished and submitted, I'm going to get started on this week's reading and stuff.
*smiles* I'm feeling lots better today!
I'm happy with how things are going.
Maybe getting this all turned in and squared away will help me believe in myself that much more.
Just maybe!
♥
I'm trying. I'm trying my best today.
That's all anyone, including myself, can ask of me.
04:39 Jan 10 2010
Times Read: 1,661
I'm indescribably happy at the moment.
It almost feels like I've gotten a high from something.
I guess I kind of have in some sense of the word.
:-)
I'm getting ready for bed with a Brett Brett.
We've been joking a lot today since my break last night. It seems to be working in our favor.
I can't believe how much better our relationship has gotten over the past month.
It's because we've learned to work together again. Not anyone else, but us.
We're both happy. There's no what-ifs. I'm glad to say I don't miss talking to certain people and he doesn't seem to mind it either.
Fate is working in our favor.
... And it is splendid!
19:56 Jan 09 2010
Times Read: 1,666
I'm getting really into my homework now trying to get some of it finished up.
I've got 7 windows opened in Internet Explorer. Two of them have three tabs open and one has five. Yet, I don't have enough information for what I need.
*sighs* This is going to be a long day.
It doesn't help that I can't shut off my thinking.
I can do this. I know I can. I need to figure out how the hell to start believing in myself. The horrible part is I'm not sure I've ever been able to believe in myself.
I've always looked to others.
My dad.
Then my mom.
My friends (Courtney mainly).
Tommy.
Brett.
Tony.
At times friends on here.
I need to find myself.
There's no way I'm ever going to get better when I expect the world of other people. There's no way I can get better when I expect the world of myself either.
God, please can something happen where I wake up in the morning without being scared to actually wake up?
That would be nice...
Really nice.
And I can honestly say after over two years of feeling this way... I wouldn't take it for granted.
19:32 Jan 09 2010
Times Read: 1,668
So tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love?
From one of my favorite songs by Owl City. ♥
I'm not so sure I would wish I'd fall in love with anyone right now. The only person I feel so close to is Brett. I am in love with him. We're back going strong but with hiccups here and there. I'm sure he would have to agree.
I've just fallen in my own mind. I'm scared of failing and so I've noticed, I'm forcing myself to fail.
I feel so pathetic for doing so. Shouldn't I think more of myself then this? Brett believes in me and yet, what good is that when I can't believe in myself anymore?
18:29 Jan 09 2010
Times Read: 1,669
I think I'm going to be more like Shadow and keep to myself on the arm of the couch for a little while.
I'm going to reply/respond to the messages I've already gotten. Other then that, I'm becoming nonrespondent for the most part.
I just want a couple of days to myself. Maybe I can write some things out. Who knows...
17:01 Jan 09 2010
Times Read: 1,672
I had a pretty bad night. I'm leaving it at that. My thoughts seem to be slowing down some. Maybe I just needed one night of absolutely feeling like shit. I don't know. I'm going to get my homework done though. I'm also going to be rating database entries as I do so.
I still feel out of it and things but not so much.
05:34 Jan 09 2010
Times Read: 1,678
I can't friggin' sleep! Ugh! I'm thinking too much. I'm writing nonsense that isn't really nonsense. I'm wanting to dance. I'm listening to music on the mp3 player my sister got me. My tummy is burning from how much I've been moving under the blanket to the music. That's pretty bad. I got a lot of cleaning done during the day but there's a lot more to do, of course. I'm going insane. I feel like I can't catch up to my thoughts. I have to get my homework done today and tomorrow. There's another $100 gift card that we can't use on the bills we have currently coming this week. I'm thinking about what we need around the apartment though. My mom is mad at me. My dad's grave has been neglected by me since the last time I was there in December. I finally figured out a New Year's resolution for myself. I want to go to Yesterday's once this year. I don't care if I don't go anywhere else with my anxiety and shit. I want to go with Courtney and get drunk there ONCE. That's my resolution. I'm also thinking about what I want to do for myself. I'm already starting to lose a little weight here and there. I want to save up for some other things. I'm calling on Monday to the SSI office yet again. They haven't gotten back to me after calling my mother and complaining about my paperwork. It's really upsetting me since I have enough problems talking to anyone on the phone as it is and heaven forbid if I have to call out to someone. Yes, I'm out of it. Yes, I'm full of self-pity but not right now. No, my entry yesterday was not depressive. It's just stuff that's on my mind. Don't you have days where you wonder if it's worth it or not? I seriously want to get laid. I'm too scared to even break free enough for a quicky let alone a fucking session.
Speaking of which in my writing...
"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you like we did that night!!!!"
That's actually aimed at Brett to a night in Nashville. I guess I had bad nightmares last night. I'm scared of falling asleep. I'm scared of remembering. I'm scared of seeing my past unfold. I'm about to start cleaning until my body can't stay away anymore and I pass out in the hallway or on the floor somewhere. I think I need to get ahold of my psychiatrist sometime soon. I need to do a lot of things sometime soon. How though? I don't leave my apartment to even take out the trash anymore. How can I get shit done? I've become a hermit before the age of 25. I guess that's an accomplishment to someone out there. At least I'm back to talking to people online. Hell, there were a couple of points in time I stopped doing that!
Ugh! Every time I start to close my eyes for sleep, I start thinking of sex with random people. I start seeing me going through shit. I start crying from the pain of it all. I start shaking under the covers. Even the music isn't he,lping anymore. I'm tired of this. I want to forget. I don't want to be a victim! I don't want to be a survivor! I don't want to be anything anymore! I want it to vanish. I want the thoughts to stop. I want to stoop thinking. I want to forget. Forget! Forget!
Please can some medication make me forget all of the abuse? Can someone give me some magic potion or something just for a week of time without any memories or flashbacks?
I just want to discover myself again without the nightmares of it all!
00:53 Jan 08 2010
Times Read: 1,693
I feel as though I should be disappearing within myself for a little while. I know it isn't possible but I wish it was. I feel as though I'm stuck. It's not a bad way nor a good. It's just a feeling that is there.
No matter what I do, it doesn't change the outcome of the day. The sun still goes down and the moon raises.
Is it really worth it?
00:07 Jan 08 2010
Times Read: 1,695
We just got back from Walmart. I swear to god my mom isn't going to find out about this trip! It's snowing insanely. We thought we could beat the snow storm before it hit. Nope!
Brett's driving scared the hell out of me. So I drove the 11 miles home! My car was slipping and sliding all over the roads. It's insane.
We came home to find we're on a level 2 snow emergency.
I can see why!
Some guy almost rear ended me like five time, flashed me twice, and was being an overall jackass!
My car could barely grip the road anywhere.
Ugh! Next time, we're listening to me. We're staying home.
18:51 Jan 07 2010
Times Read: 1,703
I hate Ohio... hate Ohio... hate Ohio!
I hate Ohio!
Do you wonder why?
Ohio and Wisconsin are the only two states we can't use the prepaid Visa that AT&T sent us for signing up with them to pay them! You can't use these cards for telecommunication bills! What the hell?!
So now, we face a situation.
We can be a week late with the rent. Send her most of the money with a letter explaining.
Or we can lose my internet which means we would have to pay a $30 something extra reconnect fee and I would also be late in my classes with everything!
Ugh!
04:00 Jan 07 2010
Times Read: 1,712
I'm taking an Ambien and going to bed. Maybe tonight I'll get some sleep... or even better, some restful non-dreaming sleep.
*sighs* I can hope, huh?
I was told by my doctor to go ahead and take it for a couple of nights. Then try without it. He doesn't want to put me on it again if he can help it. But if I need to, he will call me in a script.
23:14 Jan 06 2010
Times Read: 1,721
I turned down sex. Hickeys and all, I turned down sex.
I'm kind of proud of myself and yet, at the same time I hate myself for it.
Ugh! I hate feeling like this!
I'm going to take a shower.
My throat is sore and now I can't talk. This is the second time this has happened from biting being done on my neck.
20:40 Jan 06 2010
Times Read: 1,725
I "found" one of the clues I overlooked. I'm happy now. I don't care if I find any of the others or win or anything like that. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't losing my mind.
I'm upset from other things. I guess it's good that randomly searching pages on VR is helping me pass the time away while Aurora naps, huh?
20:01 Jan 06 2010
Times Read: 1,726
I've been on the pages of three clues. Yet, I have not seen a single one of them! I feel really stupid. Dense. Absent-minded. Horrible.
Ugh! Damn concentration span.
18:26 Jan 06 2010
Times Read: 2,147
I'm currently moving the bookcase downstairs that I was supposed to do days ago. I can't believe how much Aurora's books weigh.
I'm thinking about having her sit down with me and go through her books. I want her to give a few of her books to some of the kids up at Jaycee that don't have many or any. I want her to be able to hand it to the child so she can see the difference it makes.
I really wish I could do the same with Tyler but I know that's probably not going to happen.
I'm going to get this thing downstairs so I can hurry up, put it back together, unpack all the books on the shelves again, and get started on other things.
And I don't have the money to waste... but I really wish I could have some Jack and coke right now. I don't even know why I want a drink at the moment but I do.
:-)
I haven't had any alcohol in a while now. I had a couple with Brett at the end of November. But that's it.
15:37 Jan 06 2010
Times Read: 2,152
I'm upset with myself. So I'm listening to Owl City to try to escape some. I'm going back to painting Aurora's thing.
From there, I may read my book since I haven't. It took me about an hour and a half to write my journal entry below that is private at the moment. I'm not sure whether I will make it public or not.
It answers a couple of people about my obsession with sex.
I'm trying to change my impulsiveness some. I guess it is a start, right? Maybe I won't make the "correct" decision in some people's eyes but it will be a decision I've thought about at least.
I wonder if I will ever meet anyone who COMPLETELY understands everything about me...
But how will that ever be possible when I don't even know who I am?
PRIVATE ENTRY
15:27 Jan 06 2010
Times Read: 2,153
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
05:35 Jan 05 2010
Times Read: 2,167
I think it is time for a break from looking for the woman with the crossbow when you see at the bottom of a page...
"Page generated by LOVE."
That's it.
I'm rating or something.
20:07 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 2,172
I'm going to get the hell off of here. I'm going to go upstairs and lay down and read or something. I'm going to try to keep my mind busy.
Aurora still isn't asleep.
I'm going to take a couple of anxiety pills.
Later.
19:47 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 2,176
I just had to give Aurora three baths in a row plus had to clean her room/scrub her carpets twice.
She's mad I wouldn't let the cat in her room for her naptime so she decided to shit on her floor and smear it everywhere...
TWICE!
Ugh!
What time is it again?
*crosses fingers* Please let her take a nap... even a 20 minute one!
I'm not going to worry about dinner tonight until Brett gets home. I might not be able to cook at the rate things are going.
At least I can say I've *tried* working on my homework some today.
14:19 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 2,183
I'm actually lurking this morning some. It's been a while since I've done that on this site.
I'm not hiding. I just don't want to talk to anyone other then Brett right now because I have a lot to get done.
On a good note, I got a shower and I'm feeling a lot better. I might have to take some allergy pills though because my skin has always been insanely sensitive to "city water."
The only water I've not itched with after is a creek, lake, pond, or well water.
*nods*
I think I'm going to be doomed to itches for a long while.
20:01 Jan 03 2010
Times Read: 2,201
So it's safe to say I've gotten a pretty late start on things today. Brett had to go over to my mom's to do something with my step-dad and he took Aurora with him.
That gives me a little bit of a break since I was up and down all night because of my leg from falling.
Of course I've taken the opportunity to get some of my list finished but more has been added.
Aurora decided to add a goldfish massacre clean up to the list.
Mama (our kitty) decided to add vacuuming and scrubbing the carpet in our room because she spilled some of the litter on the floor.
They have only been gone for not even 30 minutes.
So far:
-I've started the laundry.
-I vacuumed Aurora whole room.
-I fixed her radiator (soon to have a cover).
-I vacuumed up the kitty litter.
-I've scrubbed the carpet in our room and spot cleaned Aurora's where she had an accident.
I'm going to start on more before I run out of time.
03:57 Jan 03 2010
Times Read: 2,212
Brett and I have our rent money but couldn't get a money order today. So we're going to call the woman on Monday to let her know we're sending it out that day. She's understanding about it all as long as she gets the money order by the 15th. Then she will start knocking on doors.
We got the grocery shopping done and out of the way. I'm happy because I got everything we need for the month but what I can send Brett to the store for if I'm not up to it.
God, our freezer is insane. I had to split up all the meat and package it in tin foil for different meals. At least it's the lesser of two evils. I've always hated separating hamburger the most. I used to help my mom with it when I was little.
Since I've been having problems with handling so much at once... I'm starting to make one full course meal a day. If you know me and Brett, we don't do full course meals at all. But it's a nice change.
We got to watch Ty Ty for a bit tonight. I was a little irritated because they know Aurora's bedtime is about 8-8:30 p.m. but we weren't able to get out of my mom's until past 8:30 when I still had groceries to sort through when we got home. I was happy Aurora actually fell asleep there and even more glad she went back to sleep after being tucked into her own bed.
:-)
I'm going to have to get my butt in gear tomorrow. There's a lot of things I need to get done.
-Take down the rest of the Christmas tree.
-Put away the rest of the groceries.
-Clean out the fridge.
-Laundry.
-Course Project Part 1 for Criminal Investigation.
-About 150 pages of reading for CI.
-2 papers for State and Local Government.
-Wash the dishes.
-Sorting through the storage room so I can get it organized. The Christmas and holiday things are going in there out of the way.
-Crushing cans to turn in on Monday or Tuesday.
-Vacuuming the living room.
-Moving the bookcase back downstairs while putting all of the contents back in boxes and then back on the shelves.
-Cooking a full dinner. I'm not sure what yet. I'm thinking maybe... pork chops, homemade mashed potatoes, salad, and some cheesecake with cherries on top for dessert. Yum, yum!
I'm going to read my book for a little bit and then get to bed. Night.
15:50 Jan 02 2010
Times Read: 2,219
I brought in the new year by puking in our toilet from anxiety over so many things.
My stepdad wants me to go with my mom to pick out a new dog sometime in the next week. My question is... why me?
I'm having dreams about people I don't usually think about anymore. Well... nightmares are more like it.
I haven't been sleeping well and right now, I just want to go back to bed. *yawns*
I screwed up my right leg yesterday afternoon. I was giving the kitties flea baths as a precautionary thing... I went to do my Shadow Dancer and I fell. I hit my head off the tile and my calf muscle is all bruised and welted from hitting off the side of the bathtub.
I need to get started on my homework.
Happy new year to my friends. I hope this one kicks ass for you all!
COMMENTS
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Vampirewitch39
00:02 Feb 01 2010
Congrats! Well done on the B. :)