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People often wonder why I have a difficult time around my birthday.
Well typically things go very wrong on this day.
It hasn't always been like this- and I think last year was the "worst" of it, still there is an aspect of regret that I can't help but feel. While many of you have me on facebook- I don't have a "free" voice there. Even here I write my truth in a public manner, although I'm much more direct than I am with my other account.
I realized that the regret comes from being so far from all the people I love. Yes I have friends here, but my truly close friends are not in London. And with no car- this year it is that I feel abandoned. I have no means to go see those I truly want to spend today with. And when you know your social circle is filled with two-faced, self serving people- you don't really want to be "exposed" or "real" with them. They simply don't get it- as whatever you do have, they are jealous of, and they don't get you can be happy, and still home sick/sad.
The joke about "revisiting 28" is simply because as we age, our minds don't. Am I where I thought I would be at this age? Nope. There are several things I truly want in my life- that my personal journey has not allowed for. Granted I'm closer now than I was previously, still to not be THERE hurts. Aside from the final pieces falling to place *well being worked into place but that is another entry* I am truly happy with my life here.
I just wish I would have been allowed to do it 10 years ago. No I don't regret taking the responsibility of my family on, it taught me many things I needed to learn. I just truly have one wish for today. Knowing that to be impossible, well that is the hard part.
I think that's why I choose this version of the video... she's singing a truly sad song of heartache, in a happy voice and surrounded by people dancing... time to put that appearance forward, goto work and
I just deleted many journals from my favorite list. The rule: Must have written an entry in the last year for me to keep it.
I deleted even the journals of people I keep hoping will return. However I don't wish to dwell on the shifting of life and how it means many people will no longer be here- so away they go.
Should they return and have things to say, I will re-add them. I love to read journals. When I don't answer a message- or seem to be "present" with Vampire Rave, it is because I'm absorbed in what people are saying about their lives and perceptions of it.
That is the primary reason I can say I will always come back here. I know I have a freedom to my "voice" and a willingness to express it here to my friends.
This weekend was wonderful, even with the stress of getting things organized. For my birthday we celebrated early as I have coaching right now- and this past weekend was the only one where I'm supposed to be in town and have no plans.
So over a month ago I tried to start getting who was going to do Pole Dancing with me :) I told people only say yes if you plan on committing to the class as I can't cover those that aren't going to show- and for numbers I have to make certain we make the minimum number of participants.
Not too hard, just tell me a week in advance if you can't commit early right? Well 3 people canceling the week before, 4 maybes the week of and 4 for certain made my Friday night a bit stressful with trying to get final payment taken care of. o.O I finally arranged for everyone to bring cash. *sigh*
Saturday one of my best friends drove into town for overnight to do the class. We joined with another friend here for dinner and then back to my place to chat till the class... only my clock was 20 min behind o.O
I was late to my own party. FUCK.... we got there about 10 min late and lucky the instructor is from the old studio I worked at so she stayed late so we got our full hour... but man. I didn't get to dress up :(
Then those just going for bar showed up... and really with this group I'm so done. One of the girls when I complained about pictures being taken with me in no make up and what not said, "well there is always one way to attract men with no make up" thus pulling my shirt over my bra.
Now mind you, I'm not body shy typically. However to do this in front of people I WORK WITH, know from the gym etc- is NOT something I'm ok with. I didn't even find it a small ha ha. Granted this is the same person that has caused many of the issues with Charlie and I. When that happened... to say I'm done is an understatement. Things will stay on the even keel- but I'm done going out of my way. Yes it was nice they bought me a drink... but after all the efforts I've put out for this person- I'm done. I have been taken advantage of enough.
Yes there has been help they've given me- but as Wendy would say, "I'm done with you now"... but really since what happened last year at my birthday- I'm a little let down as I was expecting a bigger expression of asshole. Perhaps I have done this well enough this time around. Really it's hard as these people can be fun to go out with, but the levels of drama and selfishness I'm not ok with. It is so extreme, that I actually pity them. And I simply don't have energy for their needs, when they do not treat me as they wish to be treated. Were that the case it would be fine- but it isn't.
Then there is Charlie's best friend. I'm so angry at him right now I could spit. I knew he was going to hide. I knew I would not talk to him for a while or quite a while. I know what he has to process and where in past he wanted to go- I get it... but to NOT contact your BEST FRIEND?
He's breaking his friend's heart, and what's worse his friend won't express it- although I see it. Dude is getting a swift kick in the nards from me when he's back. Sick or no- his friend has been there for 25 years, and this is NOT how you treat him.
My friends, yes I do this with mine all the time. However they each understand as we've all always had other lives outside of our knowing each other. Each of my best friends comes from a different area
Claudia: childhood/teenage hanging out- but she never partied with me, she actually was a major reason I learned to value my brain and school. If anyone can get credit for influencing my wanting to be where I am today- it is she. But she didn't do it for me, she cheered me on.
Wendy: Theatre. She met me as my world started to fall apart and my struggles with growing up and into who I wanted to through more adversity than I should have.
Robin: Crew. She was a team-mate that slowly and bluntly told me what I wanted, even when I didn't want to hear/see it.
Each have a place, each has been there for "events", and they all know and like each other- but each is different and so very needed.
For Charlie, it has always been him and his Best friend. There are others around- but none that have their connection. Fucker needs to wake up to what he's hurting, and I swear when I over heard him at brunch yesterday- the tears and hurt over not talking to Charlie were just under the surface.
GAH.
Still many others showed their worth this weekend. So I'm grateful for those that are truly real. No, not all of them will be close- but they are cherished for the wonderful people they are. They keep it real, they are honest with me and more importantly with themselves... and that I hold as the most important thing to have.
So highlights from the Pole dancing:
Wendy asking the Barkeep, "Is EVERYTHING SMALLER in Canada" as he proceeded to pour a 6th different (and STILL wrong) alabama slammer, with 3/4 of an ounce as a "shot" while charging $6 a drink. Side note: we went to my hole in the wall bar later and had a proper small pitcher of the drink for 9.50 thank god!
Michelle getting a 10 for her lap dance dismount.
Marsha wearing a skirt so short she had difficulty receiving her lap dance from Sue.
Sue's butt slap!
Erica's shoes ....
and I... I did not fall ONCE! And I even did the "fireman turn" many many times lol! Weeeeeeeee
I had a full day of patients *woo* but it has left me feeling a little worse for wear. Given that I'm up at 4:30 am, it makes sense that at 6:40 I'm ready to start getting ready for bed- but this is deeper than that.
It's the past few years.
I'm going to Seattle in Dec for the first time since my brothers wedding as finances didn't allow for me to go previously. And there are TONS of people I want to see and chat with- but there is no way I can give everyone the time I want to. I'd need to be there a month and even then I'd be over booked.
So I'm going to have some friends/family look for a place to host a buffet so that we can eat, talk and drink all we want- have it be cheap but allow for the time for conversations. After that my plan is to goto our family beach house until I have to go home. I want to be at the ocean. I want to just "BE" and not have anyone around and even have days in my pj's with the fresh ocean air.
Too much to do. I know I'm closer to the final ties being broken- but there are still a few more years till I for certain will have the means. Should that happen sooner than I think, even better. Almost... I'm almost through this mess... but for right now- I need rest.
Seriously, thank god I have people around who are/have helped me. Otherwise I think I'd be more than a little nuts right now.
More Bleh news. It's 12 months for processing. Which means I get to try to come up with another 3000 in March for a new work permit. Oh joy. Hold back my glee.
All because some fucktard didn't know the laws, and sent back my application without cause.
Breath.
One step at a time, that is the only way out of this mess- and still I'm just a tad resentful and wishing Karma eat the asses of those that forced the choices I made.
I have to say I'm more than a little frustrated that what is happening now is happening. However, that said it has been expected- pseudo planned for, and now it is just getting through as best I can.
At the same point I finally have one small movement forward that will help unravel this horrid mess. But given it is a small step, there are several more that must be done to fully be out of it. Slowly but certainly I move towards it.
Still the aspect of being in a catch 22 that keeps looping over and over onto itself and repeats is to say the least- ANNOYING. Hence why the steps I've been taking and continue to take to remove them entirely. Will it work out smoothly?
Doubtful.
However, I'm already starting towards moving it forward at the least. Now the focus must return on me, and what it is I truly want. Can we say the inner child's tantrum was far more destructive than at first glance. I knew there were important aspects, but what I did not see is how that STOPPED my progression forward and actually had me take several steps in a backward motion.
Valuable lessons, without a doubt. But now I'm in the aspect of cleaning house and I'm simply not liking what I see. Alrighty now, let's take another few steps forward!
I woke this morning feeling hung over. Only I didn't drink last night- so this is a bad sign. I called in for crew- because I knew if I went with my schedule today I would get full blown sick.
Right now I have scratchy throat, am drinking coffee and about to do my networking over email.
I need to get on my work- I've had some major financial set backs due to my status, so it is time to focus on that and change it. Most of the pieces are in place- just a few bigger ones that require time and effort.
Right track. I know I'm on it, the problem is, when you watch it in a movie or something else they gloss over it. By this I mean we automatically don't associate with the bad feelings and hurt that one goes through during these times. Still it might be a pot o gold I'm after, it is the life that I want. Yes, many would have thrown in the towel by now- but I know, deep deep down it is worth every moment of sacrifice.
These challenges of today, will be replaced by ones of the future. So I am grateful for them, and what they are teaching me. Because there is no failure, there is simply "lets try this a different way"...
Bottom's up folks (name changed to protect the stupid)... oh and keep in mind, my kismet is from "Failbook".... *skips off giggling*
Message To: TwilightDork
ASS=u+me would be key word in your message.
On 19:48:44 Sep 18 2010 (-0 GMT) TwilightDork wrote:
well...you did put that edward is a glittering bitch. so i do asume that you don't like him or twilight
On 18:55:39 Sep 18 2010 (-0 GMT) sahahria wrote:
And you assume I don't.
Interesting.
On 18:54:51 Sep 18 2010 (-0 GMT) TwilightDork wrote:
i don't wanna start any fight or agument. but i read your kismet about you saying edwars is a glittering bitch. and i just wanna say how dare you say that. i'm sure there are other people on here like myself that love twilight and edward cullen
So my patient who had a similar tumor to that of Charlie- and while originally her Dr's did not say it was cancer... where my gut said it was...
She was diagnosed with it, that spread from her uterus.
=/
Seriously, time to start planning ways to stop this. I'm tired from how much this past year it has touched me. Tired and not willing to give up but tell it where it can go.
I'm in a really good space tonight- still introspective as I had a rather intense 3 hour counseling session tonight. The perspective I have gained is priceless... and for that I am grateful.
For my client- tomorrow I will approach their crisis and hopefully help them find information they can use.
There is a huge "weight" that is released once things come into a "correct" or a perspective that is truly along the lines of what you wish to create for your life. While I see with others quite easily how these perspectives are needed and often we are unable to attain them on our own- I still sometimes need that reminder.
Often times we mask our own life with that of another- or with feelings that we have for others instead of addressing what it is we truly want to address. This has been the case for me in the past few months.
O.o
Well "DUH" the clinician in me says- you've only been trying to get to the root of the issue- which never has been Charlie. That it relates to the relationship- well that I've known, which is why I think the looping back was happening. Due to the severity of his situation, I also found that there was an urgency to this work- and in truth it is urgent:
Because it is hindering my life from moving forward.
No not my feelings for him or how we interact. But myself- ME standing in my own progress because I need to acknowledge these deep seeded fears, feel them for what they are, reason them to where I want them, and then release them with love. For it is the fear that keeps me off track, it is not the desire- because when the fear does not work my self confidence down, it truly does not matter what another thinks. I can honestly love someone and still allow them the freedom of what they want- for my feelings if honest and my own- do not require them to be any more or any less valid.
They are mine.
What I choose to do with them, depends on where I want to go- what I deem to be my greater good. And what I determine tomorrow can change the day after. I think that is one of the key things I've been stuck on. I want something "to last" yet I have to let the desire of that go in order to find it. In the same manner, I want an open relationship where it is mutually supporting and promotes growth while allowing for us to "be"- but again, I have to let that go in order to find that. It is one thing to have a need- and another thing to make it a rule.
The difference is, one is based off self- and the other is based off another person.
Need=me
Rule= you
And I've always been of the stance I must work on myself first, and then I have more to bring to the "table" with another. Now it is a matter of not knowing, and comprehending this- but taking it the next level of living and understanding (which to me means the ability to adjust/manipulate it as needed). That is what I've gotten stuck on- and because much of this deals with past trauma, where Charlie triggered my subconscious- when I explore it and try to "hone in" he would "muddy the waters".
In my discussion last night my friend (who is a professional psychotherapist)asked me what I've lost in my friendship with Charlie. I was both pleased and surprised to be able to say "Nothing". While having issues, it is a healthy environment- which is why I have been willing to put so much of my person into it. That does not mean there are not issues that have been misplaced on each other- but that we will deal with when the time is right.
Right now the time is for my own person to get my shit together before it tankers my life. Our subconscious is a nasty foe. What I've seen in two months is it saying NOW NOW NOW... only I couldn't see what the now was about. To have that piece- today everything seems much easier. The weight of doubt is removed, and I'm ready to get my hands dirty and work- then move forward.
My friend also challenged me last night with, "I know that if you choose- you could leave here tonight and be DONE. Why are you taking so long?"
o.O
why indeed? That I still am not certain of- unless it is that I wanted to truly feel the negative so that in future when it tries to rekindle itself into my Psyche, I'm able to stop it before it takes root. But truthfully, there is no real reason- as I know most the tools, and I was reacting emotionally from the fear- which was telling me not to act emotionally- and thus lead to my heightening what I should have done to an extra ordinary level that in fact is self destructive and childish.
Yay to the tantrums of the inner child. Now that she's done, let's see what she really fears, and what she wants.
I ended up in a discussion tonight with a co-worker that has left me with much more clarity to my situation. See part of why I've been repeating things over and over is not based off what is happening between myself and Charlie-
It is because the seed of my issue is represented by our interactions.
That there are things that will have to be discussed with him- is something I have no doubt we will do in the same manner we always have- constructively. But the problems and miscommunications we've had are not truly what is bothering me- or when I spoke of it the first time it would have been over.
The issue is far deeper, and is solely my own. Having identified it and named it... well- I subconsciously knew it all a long- but has been a relief and seems to have ended my internal repeating record- that I knew was good- but not what I wanted to identify.
Now it's time for bed and processing until I have proper time to fully express my emotions/feelings to myself.
Charlie's surgery was a success, he is in ICU recovering for they originally thought one week. As of this point- we are in unknown territory as no one knows how his body will heal.
Should they have removed all the cancer, and God willing no other growths happen- he will see a full and complete recovery. I can not express the depth my gratitude, and still there is more yet to come.
For tonight, I'm spent: physically and emotionally. It was a very hard day.
Charlie is in surgery as we speak, I don't want to breath for fear of the worst- but a part of me still denies that is a possibility. One second I'm doing fine and the next I'm fighting back the tears.
Only there is nothing for me to do but wait for news. Live as if there is nothing wrong- and that in itself feels plain wrong. Many of our mutual friends on facebook have posted about him- and I keep on looking- and I think I need to turn my phone and computer off for today. I'm simply not doing well.
I know that this reaction is exactly what he does not want, yet I can't stop the way this feels. I feel polarized and I don't know what direction to go on.
I need to remember to breath and keep in mind Matthew 7:7-8.
I ask for a miracle today, and I ask that my friends send their thoughts and prayers too.
For now I will appear to be fine, because it is what he wanted- but inside I feel ill and more than a little numb.
Charlie hasn't eaten in two days. The hard part is today his original plan was to have people over so he could see them, and go out one last time before surgery. Now that doesn't seem like any of it will happen. He's truly not even wanting to be "happy" to see those that have come in from out of town. I think he will be dealing with the reality this is all happening and NOW. Knowing him, he's dealt with one day at a time thinking it was still a ways away.
Now that isn't the case, he's got to face it all- no matter how much he doesn't want to. I'm on my phone mostly- doing ok, but not really focused and probably won't be until this next Saturday and we have an idea of how he's going to be. Please be patient with me, right now I think all of us close to Charlie are just "hanging on" praying for the best.
If you are so inclined I ask that you send him positive thoughts and healing energy...
I talked with Charlie for an hour and half tonight. Was one of those times that felt like "old times" just right back to where we talk, discuss and just are.
Was a bit important as he leaves for his surgery next Wednesday early. Chances are I won't talk to him or hear from him for a couple of weeks if it goes well. I'm scared shitless for him in one aspect, and seem to be continuously on the verge of tears. On the other hand it feels right, like everything is as it should be- but what if I'm wrong? I hate that possibility. And worse, I hate that I may not get another chance to see him before he goes. I do understand with how much he has to do- aNd with how many people he has wanting his attention. I'm simply selfish. He did mention that a bunch opeople are going to be over on the weekend so, maybe I can be social- I'm just not certain if I can "deal"... Again, selfish- and I know if invited I will go- but I'm worn.
No, not by him but life. I truly want there to be just a happy ending. For us both to be right time/place kind of thing and to "relax" and be able to enjoy. we haven't had that- life was hard before and was getting easier then this happened. While I trust it will happen, in my fatigue I simply want to pout and cry.
I've never felt so weak or helpless.
With rowing and work, right now I'm feeling more than a little drained. But it was good to clear up our last fight, and still not have it effect the rest of our conversation.
I still pray every day, and while the tears don't fall- the emotions just under the surface seem to rise more than I'm used to.
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