The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

T-minus the end of rowing season.



Please leave a message, when my sanity returns *sometime this Monday* I will be sure to respond.



Until then... dream on...



See ya'll when I return from Montreal!

The biggest issue with loosing weight?



The cost of replacing your clothes. I'm at another drop shift at this point- and one where I'm forced to spend again, when I would prefer not to.



Basically I've always been L/XL because of rowing and the power lifting I would do in my training. Now I'm M/M with the exception of my thighs. Basically I'm down to a dress size of 10, with thighs that are a size 12. I still have about 15lbs to go *last 15! LOL* but I'm getting to the point where I simply have to replace almost everything in my closet. YAY, but boo because my pocket book right now simply can't cover the cost of new bras, new jog bras, new yoga tops, new pants, new work clothes, new workout clothes, new corsets etc.



Good thing is I have all winter to sew. Still it is daunting when I think about all I need to still do. I've preped another 2 bags to goto charity, I've done about 10-15 so far, with most of them being the larger sizes. Now I'm finding I have to do it with all of my clothes, and I'm overwhelmed at where to go next.



Although for NewYear's I'm going to be wearing white satin... that is the clue you get... hopefully I'll get pictures. OK, enough bitching, whining etc- time to go work out then hit the mall for some leggings as I have a skirt I want to make tonight... and I need the leggings for under it!

I am at the point of ARRRGUHHHH.



Basically I simply do not have enough time in my day.



Blerg.

HEY IMAGESINWORDS U think ur hot and all powerful and stuffs? Well I have got news for you.... All the instances where it seems that you're the shit and that you know what's going on... the truth is....





We all agree :D



Happy Birthday!



Go bomb her profile now ya'll ;)

I'm not going in! :P Actually it's a bar here that does 80's "retro" music on Sunday nights.



After a date to see Zombieland *OMG LOVE* and then coffee, I went home for a quick nap. Woke up about 11:15 and then got my shoes on and headed into the bar.



Great way to end one night and then start the next day.



Distractions are good...

Hey you- Don't piss off Grandma!







She's gonna open a can o whoop ass on ya!

OMG is this you?



Have you ever lost yourself in your online romance that you forgot the cold hard truth?



This is for you:

Ms. Piggy kicks ass!



Thanks for the compliment :D

I miss you friend. The talks, the laughter- even the annoyances.



I simply don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with this, or if my pride will destroy it. I've never feared something this much.

TOO funny... seriously it is...



http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8281382.stm

Ok that wasn’t as bad as expected, and because of how I approached the Head Coach wants to talk to the Dr prior to the appointment my athlete will make. Perfect- that way we leave in the hands of the professional apposed to my going by hearsay, while knowing there is more to the picture than is being shared.



Next round will be follow through, that I’m far more comfortable with. Bring it!

How exactly do you gracefully tell someone they have a problem? I am faced with doing an intervention with one of my top athletes as they are swiftly crossing the line from healthy work- to potential eating disorder and over training.



I’m very nervous about this because how I deal with this can make her problem worse in the years to come, or can be a potential building block to her mastering her own mind and fully being able to take care of herself without over doing it. This is the part of coaching that no coach ever wants to deal with. Previously when I approached the head coach about the situation, he brushed it aside. Now it can no longer be ignored- it has gotten worse. And it goes to me to start to get her back- so that her team is not let down by illness and her ability fully is expressed.



Shitty.



So when does my vacation from my life start? Is it too much to just take days like today and want to curl into a ball and cry? Is it too much to ask for just a little comfort?



Apparently if you’re me it is.



Don’t worry, this pity party is over now- I’m just tired, so I’ll ride my bike to work, see my last client and then go to bed early as tomorrow is long day. Perhaps I’ll even do yoga again tonight and watch a movie- I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m looking forward to going to Toronto again to see my friend. Damn- I waited far too long to spend time with her, and now I’ve joked that she won’t be able to get rid of me.



It’s true :P

What an amazing weekend.



And I have amazing friends. Six years since we’ve seen each other- 3 since we’ve spent any time together or even really talked. It was like no time had changed- although there was one more child and the other two are starting to resemble the outstanding young people they are going to be.



There is a reason I moved to be closer to you and your family. I’m humbled by how quickly your doors opened again, and I will be revisiting them again and again. The turning point has happened- and now I’m ready to make the changes and see things in the ways that you suggested over 10 years ago.



Thank you. This is the reason you are one of my best friends- and why you will remain so for the rest of my life. I am honoured.

For all the WoW fans out there... I truly hope this is not you..

I will make one thing clear:



Just because you got your feelings hurt- does not make harassing a member of VR staff acceptable, appropriate or tolerated.



If you can’t play nice- you just may find you are no longer welcome here. Rebels without a cause can be cool, but ones without a clue as to how to behave are simply retarded.



And I am not afraid to enforce this. Seriously folks take an ounce of maturity, and listen to what we say. As Administrators our job is not to baby sit- if you make is such, expect to be treated in the lowest common denominator.



Oh wait, that isn't fair? Cry me a river- life isn't fair sugar, and by the way- this is Cancer's site. What he says goes, and chances are he's said more to me than he has to you.



Suck it up buttercup.

There is a cracking point in all of us. I hit one 20 years ago- ironically at this very same time during the year. Perhaps that is why since then I have had difficulty as I’ve remembered what happened then. In truth it was a conscious choice that since then has had numerous unconscious reactions from my person. Many of you have been so very supportive in reading and commenting on my journey as I’ve detailed it here in this journal. However the steps I started, are simply not enough.



Today that starts to change.



Slowly over the past 7 months I’ve been taking steps for this- but this past week with Charlie was the final bit. No it’s not his fault- so please don’t think it is- it is mine. Truth is, a part of me set up the situation because I have KNOWN for years that I needed to stop hiding to make other people comfortable. I know the reactions I get when I am fully in my space- Charlie did nothing more than encourage that- and I wanted him to.



But it is MY lesson, and it needs to be done for ME- not him, especially because of what he means to me.



Fact is, without me being complete in what I want to be; I’m lying in that I’m waiting for someone/thing to make it ok for me to just be me. No more. Now I say this knowing there will be times that I fail utterly- but even failure has something we can learn from it. So I’ve arranged something’s that I both have put off- and also avoided.



I have a date today with a young man who shares a mutual friend. I fully intend on going out and seeing what happens, while maintaining the fact that I have no intentions beyond just going out for fun. Fact is- I have homework to do. And a big part of it is getting out there and being available emotionally, physically and spiritually.



Last night I went out dancing by myself.



This weekend I will touch base with one of my best friends- who I have neglected so horribly in the past year.



It is past time. Now what remains to be seen is if I can break my own barriers in a swift enough fashion that I don’t damage others in the process. See that is why some of my barriers have not come down in past, but that isn’t fair to me- and I will not live life as a martyr. Life is messy, and now the test of my integrity starts.



We’ll see how I do.

Richard Bach wrote a book, Nothing by chance and I have to say I firmly believe this. I do not think the events of my past week were just a comedy of errors with crossed wires, nor do I think I acted unconsciously when I made my choices.



I think I acted exactly as I needed to in order to learn so valuable lessons.



1. The fallacy of what I want in a relationship

2. Lies I tell myself about what this means

3. Ways that my subconscious works to either hinder or move me forward



In short I think this blow up needed to happen, both for me to truly appreciate Charlie and also to see if we are merely blowing smoke screens at each other. I don’t doubt the attraction, or the friendship- but I want a partner who is able to take lessons such as the bitter one I’m working through right now and use it to build a more solid relationship with it. That means the little pride issues are not to take forefront to the individuals needs in the relationship. To me this means my own behaviour failed, and I should be looking at why I hurt myself so badly by placing expectations on Charlie that I in fact did not have a right to place on him. Yet I had to allow these actions to happen, to find out my own lesson- thus hurting him.



Ouch



That is both manipulative and immature of my person. Yet it is the truth. He has to choose what he wants, and that may not be the life I have chosen which means I will never cease to work on my issues on who I wish to be. It also means that I want a partner that can leave me alone if it is the best for myself, them or both of us. That means we each take the time to work on ourselves not just our relationship, and that at times we will have to look at the relationship and truly just be friends, so we can allow the other person to breath and work through what they need to. Supportive and there perhaps- but not the traditional swept away with pure lust to the point of loosing our goals- it must be conscious.



Damn



There goes my happily ever after, as what this means I want to embrace the day to day of now. Not tomorrow and the blissful ignorance, and I won’t swear myself to someone but I will agree to the commitment of choices. So while I wait for him to do what he needs to, I continue to think about me and what my unrealistic ideals have created in this instance. I want to fly when I think of what has transpired the past few months, at the same point- is it truly real? I was working on this idea of someone outside, a true partner, but at the same point I was not completing myself- I was leaning on him for the go ahead.



Shame on me



For lying to myself about what I want. I want it all- contradiction of chaos.



1. To be dominated while completely free of another’s control

2. To be supported and sheltered while fiercely independent

3. To be childlike while maintaining my maturity to grow and expand

4. For the spiritual to intertwine so fully in my psyche and emotional till I don’t know where he is and where I am, while maintaining my own identity.



Time will tell, as even if we patch everything- there is always the possibility to choose to stop and not continue on the path you start out on. Still a part of me wants to hold onto the hope and the joy- but another part of me simply doesn’t want to trust that I will ever have “happily ever after” even if it is something I work to create. I feel that a part of me fractured, and I have a choice to completely lash out and bring out aspects of my personality that I have hidden, or to slowly allow the blossom to continue and maintain my own moral code. The fantasy has been broken, and now I face my own hell,



It is a test.



And I wonder how I will fair, time again is both my enemy and ally in this. I suppose this is part of the growing experience. Realizing that emotions while shared with another person are far deeper internally than we sometimes give credit to, or even think about. A part of me wants to fast forward to see where we’ll be, and another part of me is revelling in the pure intensity of emotion. I have tried so long not to feel, and now that I am- I wonder why it took me so long to re-connect this basic aspect of personality. Make no mistake, I am certain Charlie has his own issues, but I am not him- and right now I can only speak to the myriad of thoughts, shattered ideals and pure emotional energy that I am experiencing.



A part of me hopes the next time we have to talk I’m able to just be with him- as in our typical laughing and simple fun. While there has never just been one side to our friendship- I do miss it, and have really since that damn phone broke. I also know that if I had swallowed my pride a little and forced myself to the club- I would not be asking these questions, and neither would he. And that to me would be a bigger mistake than this potential destruction, as we would have been building on the fragments of ideals from past relationships and what we expect, which no one can live up to. Now there at least is a chance to consciously choose what we want to end up- and how we create that.



Powerful



So much, it scares me to the point of silence. I don’t know- it is our choice.



Wow I’m in awe.