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Tonight my uncle died. I had a strange sense of dread driving over to my mothers, and then the call came.



With all of the chaos, I'm not certain of much any more.



I long for simple times, for a life not touched by so much grief. For a friend that I can call and lean on. I am so fatigued it is starting to have physical effects on me.



Yet I smile, and play the role of the strong person for my family. I want to curl up and just be held. Instead I detach, so that I do not fall to pieces.



Inside I feel like I have been torn apart and that I have no way to express the despair I feel.

See if you can get this I could only find 3 differences and there are

10. it is really hard. here is the link:



http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

Went to a sneak peak of Zorro last night... more of the same, go if you liked the first one it is more of the same, but the high lights of this movie were...



"Prison changes a man, son” and the smoking horse....



Ha!



Otherwise- just an ok, campy sentimental movie.

I went out with a friend last night that is in the Leather community, and he mentioned that when he was out with the boys (mind you, he’s the only straight one that I know of) my name came up in a rather unusual manner.



Apparently they had gotten on the topic of if you were to have sex with a woman who would it be? I was number 2 on one of the guy’s list, right after Lori Petty (tank girl).



I found it nice to be thought of as attractive, even if it is by a gay man. The compliment was surprisingly honest, and I haven’t felt this flattered in a long time.

o.O

Just me, Batman and a platter of sushi..... hmmmmm Don't think I'll leave the house all weekend!

I now have a job lead that is here in Seattle, for a job that is along the same ideas of what I’m looking at in Canada… but not exactly how I wish to spend the next two years. So now I have some more reflection to do.



Am I to take a job here paying bills and tread hoping that all will work itself out? Continuing my office managing skills and putting my skills as a therapist on hold. Not go on an adventure and potentially (no guarantees) have the work I REALLY desire, not to mention access to this in both aspects of my professional life.



Or do I just ignore this potential and follow the call that started over 5 years ago… and intensified 3 years ago. Have a chance to define myself away from others – yet closer to my best friends. Be in a town that looks like it has the potential of my being able to achieve my professional goals, both in working within a Detox setting as a NADA specialist, and continuing with pre/elite athletes in my private practice. And at the very least be able to organize- remove the clutter that I’ve created being where I truly have not wanted to be?



Maybe I have already answered my own questions, but am I being honest? What lie am I trying desperately to convince myself of? Or am I finally breaking that cycle… time will tell…

So I’ve made all the calls to all the right people…. And they are all on VACATION? Excuse me? Obviously I underestimated the allure of leaving town the 2/3rd week of October… Now I must wait to see what job opportunities I can muster up, then the move will occur.



Interestingly enough my mother who is over protective, and clear about her own adgenda for my life- seems to be doing well with my choice. She of course is trying to convince me that Kansas is a better place (WHAT?!!) Aside from my family there… I see no reason. Whereas the area of Ontario that I am looking at puts me 1.5 hours from one of my best friends, 1 hour from a relative, and a stones throw from several boathouses… Nope, Kansas just won’t do- unless I get a job offer that’s unheard of for that area.



This entire time has been so surreal I can’t really understand why it’s taken me 3 years to figure this out. In talking to my closest friends the biggest challenges I’ve gotten to my line of thinking have been



1. We never thought you were coming back from your road-trip 2.5 years ago… it’s about time.

2. What if you hate it?

a. I just have to suck it up for 2 years. I don’t think you really know an area without being there at least that long…. So it’s a small amount of time, and worst case I have made an investment (looking at purchasing a SMALL house) that will put me a little more a head.

3. Hey, that’s a great area!

a. Kay- who are you and why did you know this before I did, and why didn’t you tell me…



I think that it’s a sad state that Seattle is in when I can move thousands of miles away- rent my house for more than the mortgage and property taxes, have enough left for a down payment on a house, pay for immigration fees/ lawyers to another country, pay for all moving fees and still have some left over… *sigh… it shouldn’t have to be this way… but in a way I think that I’ve created this situation so that my mother would let me go willingly…



Now if I can only start talking to folks about a job…..grrrr want out NOW!

Look out Canada...



I am in receipt of your completed Independent/Skilled Worker Class Online Assessment Questionnaire and I thank you for the interest that you have shown in Immigration to Canada and in the law firm of _____. I am receiving inquiries from many individuals, like you, residing in the United States, who are expressing an interest in migrating to Canada for a better life for themselves and for their families.



Upon personally reviewing all of the necessary criteria in support of your Canadian Immigration claim, based on the information as provided to me by you in your completed Independent/Skilled Worker Class Online Assessment Questionnaire, I am delighted to inform you that it is my position that we can assist you to successfully apply for and receive Permanent Residence in Canada in accordance with the laws, regulations and policies in effect as of today's date.

I find it strange how one phone call can seem to alter reality so profoundly. I made a call this morning that seemed to leave me with extreme clearity. It wasn’t anything that the person said, but literally our conversation seemed to ground me. For the past 2 years, I have felt like I was spinning through other peoples desires and needs out of my sense of responsibility, ignoring my own purpose and wants/needs.



And in that one conversation my spinning seemed to stop. Now don’t take me the wrong way, I am not enlightened or any of that crap. But still. I feel that I am able to see the details of what I WANT and what others would like for me. I have no fucking clue what this means or where it will take me, but I sense that hope- can feel it’s thread thickening so that I might grasp it and actually move closer to what I want.



Now I just need to figure out how to deal with my fears and take this new insight so that I am truly being honest with myself. Consider it one step out of the confusion and chaos that is my life.



So I want to acknowledge this person, and send my gratitude for acting this one time as my muse.

My status update says I'm only at a level 4 for ratings. I have only have rated 338 out of 5163.... I need 178 more for next level...



Hell with it- I'm going back to the forum... who needs to be a higher level anyway?!





*grumbles and she walks down the hall to the forum*

Damn I want the blonde gene removed- I'm such an idiot....



DAMN

I am getting frustrated with most of my converstations... it seems the same things keep arising and I *sick* of it... Some how I need a vacation that or a way to get more done in 24 hrs... maybe I just need to move on.

Kay now I'm creeped out... said spider from last night's post... said dead spider is gone....



Hopefully Spazz or Scrapper ate it....

I thought I was going to take a nice relaxing bath to warm me up before bed, and instead ended up taking a nice hot bath watching a spider try to get out of the overspill.



Keep in mind that I *HATE* spiders and have been known to scream and climb things to get away from them (stop laughing Pat- I know you've seen this many times).



So in my mind I'm doing ok- just watching to make sure that the worst doesn't happen- the spider falling into the bath water... well sure enough it does.



Instead of saving said spider by touching it- I try throwing it out of the tub in a gust of water- nope, I managed to get my walls and floor wet (I tried this several times)- spider still in the tub, and floating my way.... so then I tried toilet paper... no good either, spider kept trying to "touch"me eeewwwwww... and finally I took the rubber floor mat off the tub floor and made a little raft for the invaider... and yep finally no spider in my tub.



Mind you it was too late... but the menace didn't bite me!!! Sad thing is- I could have saved it, but my fear of it far out weighed any sympathy I might have felt for it's fleeting life.



Now while guilt ridden over a spider, I wonder had it been me in the spider's position, would you have been afraid of being bit and left me to drown?