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I was talking to a mutual friend about how fast Charlie's passing was, and brought up how sad it made me that I had my phone stolen last year as it had a few videos of him on it.



One I remember in particular is where Charlie took with my blackberry- and from where I was it looked like he was taping his crotch(he was getting his lap and feet in the car) so you hear me saying,



"DO NOT VIDEO YOUR CROTCH," and him giggling like mad... pretty much sums up many things.



Although I also remember a dinner party a year ago Christmas at a friends where he and I were talking, and he asked if I wanted a dessert. I said no, but he returned with one for me anyways.



Or the time I took some herbal pills that tasted like dung- but didn't have enough water. Charlie was in the kitchen on the phone with his sister, before I could finish my complaint- there he was standing there holding a glass of water for me.



Tiniest things... those are what I desperately want to remember...

Today it changes.



Not in big major ways- but small little ones that in truth I've been working for.



Garry you have been in my thoughts so much- but I simply can't. I'm so sorry.

We found a bottle- no that doesn't do it justice... THE Bottle of screech (Newfie rum) that Charlie carried with him for over 20 years. No one but his best friend and I knew what it was.



See last year when Wendy first came to visit me Charlie had us over for drinks and then made us a bon fire in his back yard. We had planned on drinking- and as the night went on we talked- he showed Wendy his chrome (as in fully reflective chrome) motorcycle helmet, his Kevlar gloves that were studded and he brought this bottle out.



More than that- we all drank from it. I made Wendy and Starr drinks from it- heck I probably made Mike one too. But I refused to finish it. I remember him saying "go ahead" but I didn't want to do that as I knew from before and his other stories how long he held onto that one bottle.



It was an honor that he shared it with us because my friend was there. He carried it as a reminder of his sobriety and many times said he was waiting for the right occasion to bring it out and open it. We didn't ask that night, I remember he saw what we had and went to get it. I remember that night so clearly- as we knew then he had cancer and that he was sick... And we left at about 3am because he wanted to keep chatting... But again I knew he needed rest and that Wendy was tired. So we left before he really wanted us to go... It was an amazing night- one I'll alway cherish.



But today I got a small taste of the rum- as did his other friends- and I and Mike got to tell his dad the story of the rum- and send his dad home with it, as there is enough for him and charlies sisters to all have a drink of this prize screech. Man it was smooth.



I also found out the model car i gave him was with a family member- so I shared the when/why I bought it for him. See that was from when I tried to push him away- when I tried to not have him around. I bought it as a goodbye gift. And as a reminder of why he was in school- cause it was the make of car he wanted (porche). Apparently it stayed in his room, so it was one of the first things taken. That family has it makes me glad- I know his one sister has the letter I wrote to go with it- as at the wake his care giver had a bundle of all the letters and cards I wrote him- some I had forgotten that I gave him, but she saw it, and asked if she could have them- I couldn't say no as it felt awkward to be given something I wrote to him...



I just knew I couldn't bare to see that car thrown away- or worse having one of the people that caused us grief to get it. Family- well that pleases me as it was given to be a symbol of hope and his hard work, I did say if they ever didn't want it- to let me know.



Otherwise I took some scrap metal that I plan on making into charms, some fabric that I'll make an outfit out of, and a book that he kept trying to give me. Charlie once told me to start writing my stories- he never read what I have written(at least that I know of) and in one email he mentioned "Imajica" and I almost fell over as I never thought he'd like that book- but it was one of his favorites too. When he got sick he tried to give it to me in person, over email and I don't know how many texts. Each time I said thank you but no... Today the first box I opened had the book- I didn't hesitate- I took it.



Even in death the fucker is getting his way. Lol

I am trying so very hard not to be angry, I was not supposed to be at work this morning. But last night while on blind date I had a feeling to check my schedule.



:-/



They booked someone right as I was supposed to be at Charlie's place.



Not only that it says on my schedule *Call before you book* just like that.



No call.



No notice.



I am fucking lucky I looked at my calendar as it was a SCHEDULED day off.



I'm livid. And I do realize it is also because of the emotions of what today is. Which is WHY I did NOT want to see any clients today. I'm sure I'll type more later- I just needed a quick vent as I don't need to bring it up again with the receptionist- but I do need to get it out. If this was a first or second time it would be no biggie. However this is I don't know how many times as she simply "forgets" things. Grrr



*sigh*

Is it wrong to just want some stability back? I simply just want to work and move forward- yet I seem to be in the eye of a storm and without the simple outlet of a friend.



Even keel- even though I'm having trouble feeling it.

It's amazing how much better one can feel after a night of indulgence.



At the same point- I'm gonna have to detox a bit longer.



O.o



Still, was worth the extra work/workouts.

Marie would be proud. I bought Brie, salmon, shrimp, avocado, merlot and ice cream.



Currently I am stuffed, drinking wine and considering seconds on the ice cream.

It hurt today to have to reset my gmail password. What hit me the hardest was going into account management right there on the left it has the most contacted.



Your name was right under my mothers name. I would have thought by now that would have changed. Mom was right it is all the small things that hit the absolute hardest.



I talked today to Michelle for an hour and a half. It was good to confirm the things I've seen and have someone who is also working through her grief and understands how crazy you feel sometimes when it hits you out of the blue. Yet still has the patience to keep on the conversation so that you don't fight yourself as much.



Don't get me wrong. I dread what must be done, as it will do nothing but remind me so very much of you. It is not the missing, it is the lack of sharing. It is the moments when you have complete happiness, and then realize you simply can't share it. I do believe you watch and are there for each of us- but that simply does not seem like enough. And unlike other losses, this one I simply can't fill and make it better. I do not have any history here without your touch.



Even the friends I'm making now, and really cherishing- they came from you. If I were more cowardly I would run from this place. But even before the illness, it was not you that held me here- it was that I'm happy, I'm getting better and healing- truly healing. Yet that doesn't mean that time is making it easier. There simply is not a day that doesn't have your touch in it. That is what seems to be driving my psychosis.

Today is a hard day. Megan is not doing well and I fear if I can't get things more controlled this may be it.



Add to my personal stress, we will be going through the last of Charlies things with his Dad. It will be some closure I'm sure, but a a part of me simply wants to avoid it- but I know I won't, I will do as I said I would.



I keep waiting for the next chapter, but it seems with all I'm close with- I am surrounded by pain. Is it too much to ask for the lighter times- and soon?

I want to erase you all. Your pettiness, mean spirited, and overall lack of person.



I know I should be flattered that you mimic me at every turn, that you keep trying to do things I'm doing. But I'm exhausted and tired. Truly I just want to be left alone.



Stop taking the wind from my sail- find your own. You wont find me wasting more time on this. I am done venting- I wish you nothing but the best. But I will remind you- karma is a bit h, and one I don't have to do anything about.

Sleeping 10 hours a night- and I'm still exhausted most of the time.



I keep wanting things to be normal, but no matter how I try it isn't.

Meh, no show... means no work. Boo.



Off to yoga I go :)

Thank goodness today was better than yesterday. I'm greatful for that, long walks, bike rides and frisbee :) and there was more but I'm just relaxed and well comfy - later taterz

I wanted to call you so badly last night when Megan fell down the stairs, it just hit me that it would not do any good.



God damn I miss you.

My poor baby. :(

Rad!!!! I just bought two bathing suits- one bikini and one one piece for 27.00 including tax... Best part?



They are Calvin Klein and retail for 220.00! Yay! I'm now up to three proper suits and 5 if I count yoga/workout skorts I have- bring on the beach!!!



The down side: I'm minding my own business buying panties when the fire alarm is pulled in the mall- should I be offended?

So now I get to wait at work to see if a major boo-boo was done. Something tells me it was...



*frick*

Internet tomorrow. Not my laptop but my "oldie" which in computer terms is ancient... think 10+ years. However still runs well and will do word processing.



No cam until laptop has new cord... small steps folks! Small but profound steps :)

Side note: doing make up from computer screen and not a mirror = awesome looking sahahria over cam.



But when she goes potty and looks in mirror, "AHHHHHHKK! o.O" *twitch* is what she sees.



Wow- that was scary, like a pancake version of me. Thank goodness we were NOT high definition!

I now know so much more of the why. When you met him you understood why I said no.



Funny it was just this morning that I realized the timing, along with the truth of how some closest to me have behaved. I will honor you for that. Because that is why neither of us gave up on the other.



Lord even now it would be so easy for the anger, but that does not do justice to the changes nor does it honor the love. Above all else that is truth. Failings, hurt, betrayal and still none of the negative corrupted the truth. Though others did their damnedest to try.



Lord, they are still trying.



But I know something they do not, and that is what I cherish.

There are times I miss our friendship. Yet as I told someone who once tried to bridge, there is no changing someone's perceptions once they have perceived a shift.



A part of me wishes I had seen the greater complexity of this issue sooner. Not because of you, but because of other situations that have happened since then. Communication is key.



It is honestly the only way, and now I actively look for those willing to keep it open. Because without that, there is no friendship- it is purely a selfish need that keeps you around. And while it is flattering to have someone like that, in the end they do not care for your person, they care solely on their own.



With the guise that they care for everyone.



Dangerous.

Nothing like starting your day with, "so you're client is here... and I know it isn't in your schedule but we fucked up... can you get here now?"



*sigh*



I did. Only to have another client flake, and then double bookings galore.



:-/



good thing I knew it was gonna be one of those days... but YAY tomorrow new clients, and more needles :D



Now I just need to get to work early enough to give myself a treatment. *sigh*

So my body is shifting again.



:-/



Part of this is due to my getting off my routine when Charlie was ill... the other part is, well shoot how do you say it?



I'm getting denser. Which means I will start to get smaller yet again. Weird.

Internet ordered- now to fix the computer issue...

Today was a complete waste. I shouldn't have come home- I can feel the anxiousness building.



I knew today would be hard.



It just hits me and then I feel completely helpless.

Finally caught up with journals. Still sadly there is too much to do and too little time to do it...

Was a most excellent weekend. A break that was definitely needed, now it's time to head out and get back to the daily grind.

Considering all the change, I am grateful for you.



While my perceptions and where they were wrong have been cleared- there still are points that stand out. Times where I hear you, yet as I dreamed it is distant with life separating communication.



Part of me still wonders, not my usual "what if"; but "why". Some of it I know, just as if it were to be spoken after the fact. Yet I wonder, not for the lack of knowing but the the lack of how. See that is how you always surprised me. The route you took was one I never saw- or anticipated.

Dear Bones:



It is simply because you never offered them to me in a marinara...

I am completely satiated from eating Birra's balls.

I have a sudden urge to play in make up...



*looks around*



You game? *raises eyebrow*

Rule of thumb: If you're on a web cam and an "anon" user claims to be admin... guess what?



99.9% of the time they are LYING.



I know, hard concept to believe. But it is true. Because if they were an admin and wanted to do something... they would LOG ON as their admin profile.



Use common sense people, ignore the trolls.

Dear Vodka,



Please see to taking back the headache you seem to have forgotten in my head. The party last night was great, however my bowels seem to have been clogged after your visit. Also the circles under my eyes seem to be made of blue coal. If you wish to be welcome ever again, I ask that you correct the damage you did on this last visit.



Now your cousin coffee is welcome anytime as they know how to treat a host. What you'd like to come over tonight with your cousin? I'm sure we can work something out...