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Day two of chemo and so far it's all good. I'm just about done with the belly chemo then it's a bag of saline and then I lay on my different sides to get it all over and kick the cancer out.



Today's mantra: kidneys, liver strong, cancer be gone!



Only sad bit is- I brought two movies and accidentally one was a blue ray (which won't play in DVD player). And I also forgot my charger so my phone is dying and my tablet will just barely make it. Otherwise I had yogurt and frozen cherries for breakfast followed by egg salad- some treats and then a sandwich with chips.



I really drank too much this am. My taste for coffee came back and I had three cups. Opsy! I guess I might have to use a bedpan as I can't sit up until the second bag is done. Boo!

I find it odd that my first day of chemo has me feeling more like me. I'm certain there will be bad days- but I'm also certain that the addition of homeopathics has also made a huge difference.



It's nice to feel like I have the right combination happening. I start the Chinese herbs next week. And I can't wait to start my suppliments full force again. It should also be said that this week is week 7 from surgery, so it's normal that everything's better. But the homeopathics? Well they got my bowels moving normally so well, that I'm not using any of the meds to move them- first time in seven weeks- and its a huge relief. And I'm saying this still on narcotics for pain.



Still don't think ANY one thing is the only way (even Acupuncture) it's about how to combine for the best outcome possible. I think we have a winner.

High journals!



It's what happens wirh Iv of liquid Benadryl and the. Followed by taxol (the chemo drug). I should be done by 2pm yay!! That mean 7 hours start to finish which is good considering it it the first time.



More start trek now

I didn't take my pain meds at 6, and now my pain is 7-8/10. I will be walking the boys and taking them as I have to get up because tomorrow is the first day of chemo.



So much I haven't yet done today...

Today was the volunteer brunch in thanks for the help the volunteer do at the clinic, after my cousins wife cut my hair at the salon. It was fun to be there when it was only family and friends for a cut- minus the kids having melt downs. I now have an all over pixie that will be super easy to shave when the time comes.



I also went to the fabric store and bought several quarters to make headbands, wraps, or bows depending on my mood. One looks like Cthulhu which excited me, as well as swallows, ladybugs, and flowers. Now I hope to fold my laundry and pack for the morning.



Tomorrow begins the rest of my life and healing process. Given the amount of love today, I'm optimistic no matter what. It is good.

And I pooped! Yay! Today just got better :p

Totally day, kinda day.



Started out going to he petsmart open house as they had several give always, and I needed natures miracle since Bo is peeing on the dog bed (annoying but means we're getting closer to them all sharing space). That stop took twice the time it was supposed to, because the cashier was having issues.



This was a problem for me because I wanted a bagel (if I'm constipated- why not?!) and a latte for the start of work. The guys gave me shit for wanting a breve when hey made me one last week. Too bad I won't be going back because of it. When they finally did my order, I came out to the car to find a parking ticket ($3).



Finally I get to work right on time- and thankfully my patients were late. Day finally got started and it ended up being a busy one. I also got all of my charting done, and I cleaned the fish tank! Bam! Now I just have more organizing at home and then yeah!



For now I'm reclining with the pups watching some good ole Netflix. So yeah, it was a good day :)

Wish me luck today. I'm completely sore from the port placement, and Winston jumped right on it last night when my cousin came over to unload the two recliners from my car.



After today I'm off till next week- mostly because I don't know how I will respond to chemo. I'm hoping I can work next Saturday but we will have to see just how this goes.



When did this become my life? That's right, it's not. It's a temporary diversion. Got it.

I just got two lazy boy recliners for $60. This is huge for me as with all the abdominal work Ive had its hard to get in and out of normal couches, and even my bed. So now I can sleep in a chair! Officially an old lady- but it is very needed with how I've been. Plus when mom returns, she has a bum knee so now we won't be going for the same spot. Huge relief as I start chemo on Monday- and something says this will be needed.

I had an ok lunch- now it's time to do dinner. And walk dogs before I'm too tired to.



Haircut set for Sunday. Going with uber short pixie, so it isn't as noticible when all my hair falls out. Hopefully Monday I'm well enough to stop by Mac counter for eyebrow pencil and some liner I'm out of, along with fake lashes.



And wigs. I will need one or two of those. Bah.

My mother was just diagnosed with Breast Cancer.





Fuck.

I've condensed my medical bills down to three outstanding- and have requested financial hardship paperwork to delay or lessen some of the cost. Otherwise I'd be looking at 300 per month just in payments- add insurance, hydro, web, rent and food... Well only working three days a week and potentially only one or two when on chemo- that won't happen.



My cousin is a social worker- so I'm going to have her help me fill out the paperwork so I can send it in this weekend- along with my student loan deferment. So much paperwork. Thank god I feel well enough to think about doing it.

I also contacted my half brother that I've never met. I don't even know if he knows I existed, but I want to find out family hx of cancer on my dads side. He may not even know.

First massage yesterday- felt great, but man my abdomen hurts today. This is where recovery really starts...

Good day in the clinic- but now I'm exhausted. I spent almost two hours on the phone with a fellow clinic owner who has also been through this fiasco of trying to run a clinic when sick. It was so welcome to talk about the challenges of chemo and what it means being a business owner.



But now I'm tired- so more on this later.

Yesterday I went shopping for six hours (includes two hours of driving to KC). I was exhausted today. I had my first massage and things are feeling a bit better. But a two hour nap might have something to do with that too.



Watching outlander- and realizing I think I'm ready to start reading again- I also found the local bookstore.

Better today! Huzzah! I'm still not happy that it's a three day recovery cycle for me. Granted after the last one it will be less. That's the shit about recovery after surgery or illness, it's not the same as recovery from just exercise.



A bit sore is all today, and the bowels are slowly perking up. It seems my difficulty comes after anything that causes some inflammation in the abdominal area, which is going to make this a long few months.



Winston is also a bit better today- the ears are still sore, but I was able to get the Rx in. Hopefully I have enough energy to bathe them both tonight- or tomorrow before I go look at the new space.

I took the boys to the vet today. Since I have help for my rent, I knew I could. Poor Winston has a monster ear infection and the skin issue from last year flared after surgery when I couldn't bathe him. He got an allergy shot and pills with an ear rx. Egon got his yearly shots- so both boys have been cuddle bugs all night.



I'm still not great. Better than yesterday but still needing rest. Food is still a challenge- and I'm ready for bed. Tomorrow, tomorrow will be a better day.

So much pain today- but had 22 patients at work, so it was a good day. I'm going to do some heavy pain killers tonight as this is not nice. I still think it's part of the process as technically today is two days after Saturday's over do... Which means tomorrow should be better, and i will walk again. Just going to take Friday off, so I don't end up in this pain next week. After all I get the other port put in.



Thursday I see a potential space to see if it will work for us. I'm hopeful it will, and that it will lower our clinic rent by 500-700 per month. That would be a huge blessing right now. So if you can spare a positive thought for that it would be appreciated!

My innards feel like crap today. Thankfully it's not a super busy day- but hopefully a great one (meh pain is a daily thing as of late- sadly expected).



I talked with someone I have held dear since I met her, it helps we share the same first name. But she just found out about the cancer, and sent me a wonderful note. In response I felt I owed her an apology for my failings, which to me were huge. Her response?



She was just thinking of how patient I was with her.



Huh. Well that shows you, perception rules so much of what we view as truth.

So we surpassed the original asking for the fundraiser, and today my friend organizing raised it closer to what the bill will truly be. And we are half way there in three days. I am truly blessed by the love and generosity shown, and I know some will view it as begging.



When people ask to help, one way of connecting it telling them how they can. I have others supporting me in messages, bringing me food, coming to help me here, not just financially. I also know many, to whom this isn't a "big deal", while for me it means the opportunity to rest, not stress at if I don't work- or God forbid need to be sick from the chemo.



The other thing I can say is this comes from decades of connecting authentically with people. Being me, in all my faults and failings. Apologizing and starting over when needed. It is humbling to be in need and finding a response like this. It teaches me to strive to fail less, remember more, be more.



And be grateful.

I am finally starting to sleep on my sides. I think the first week of the port was too painful for me to do so. Add the odd sensations happening as there is a still a ton if healing happening in the abdomen. I still want to stretch- and I'm hoping we can find a new clinic space so we can have some yoga classes added to the clinic. But for now, I do minor stretches (until belly or scar says no). This is going to be a long recovery.

I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. The funding account set up this morning has done far better than I expected. Considering I'm not working enough to pay all my bills, and have 5k just in what I've been billed for so far (still don't have the bill for the week in hospital), and fuck knows how much the chemo will be...



I simply have gratitude.

Still on the couch. *sigh*

*crash*



Almost two hours of just laying here, and I'm down for the night for certain. Glad I did as much as I did, but each time I challenge the boundaries there is hell in pain and discomfort to pay. I think it's time for the Tylenol as I have to walk the dogs and do some laundry.



This is the hard part, it is so demoralizing to feel so good, only to feel so damn bad. No, I'm not over doing it. Tomorrow all of this will be gone. It has to be remembered that every single abdominal muscle was separated, my reproductive organs removed, my bowels handled to remove the cancer tumor and cancer cells found on it, the perineum was removed (think of it as abdominal sack), the lining of the diaphram and liver was removed, and then- then they stitched each of the admoninal muscle groups back together, ending with my skin which was given 42 staples.



So yeah. Major surgery = fucking hell of a recovery that I will have to be in pain for. Thank gawd I can tell what it too much, and what is just enough. Looking for a reason to get in shape? This right here is it. As it would be just as bad after a car accident. Worse, if I hadn't lived an active lifestyle since being a child. This is the why of natural medicine. Ideally to prevent, and in the instances it can't, to give you the mindfulness of your own body and it's abilities to not just heal- regain much of what otherwise would be lost.

So I walked 2 miles on tues, thurs and today. Today I was able to go non-stop. Next week I'll see if I can walk and work (I'm on a short timeline) to regain as much as possible. Or I'll ride my bike on Sunday, and see how I do. That's the key. My walk today was brisk and I almost felt normal.



Inhaling is not a strong as it normally is (my diaphragm and liver both lost the protective coating they had to the cancer- although they were clear if the disease), with time I should be able to take those truly deep lung moving breaths. Right now, it burns and reminds me that there is a lot of internalized healing happening. This is important for me to factor in with my recovery- too much will hinder healing, as will not enough (atrophy of ability). These are the key thoughts that are helping me focus and train, just like I had for the Olympics.



I have got this bitch, and it will retreat.

You know what's great?



Daily bowel motions without medications.



I still feel a bit raw there, and my trigger to know that I have to go is a funky nausea-not rally nausea in the bowels. I almost taste it, it's that weird.



It's 70 now and it's going to get warmer (yay). I took my trash out myself for the first time since January (weight restrictions) and it's the little things like that where you start to really see a difference.



I have to see he accountant, and then get a treatment at the clinic. After that I'll do a load of laundry and rest before my walk with my cousin. It's a full day- even though I'm not doing all that much.

Damn. I split a stitch today. How do I know, the blood. Gah.

I mapped out my chemo schedule for work today. It ends up that the start of my last cycle will start on Garry's birthday if there are no delays.



Fitting.



Ironic.



A sign.



Full circle.

Pain 4-5/10 right now. No aspirin today as it's been 30 days and the threat of DVT is now considered past. I was chatting with a friend, and the thing is- it's hard when you are a stomach/side sleeper to truly feel rested sleeping proper up on your back. I've considered going to the Salvation Army for a recliner as my couch is too low to properly sit and my chairs are the butterfly kind (iron- I love them) but again not much proper support with them. Soon.



I've been a bit rebellious and haven't even taken my supplements. Better bathe Egon before Winston gets upset at his bath. Small steps each day

This is not my body. My body is strong capable and ready. Having to ask for help to bring in my cat food because it's more than I can lift. Not being able to take out the trash because it weighs too much. Having sleep elude you because of pain. Exhaustion with completing only 3 of the 100 things you used to do in a day. Reading. Inability to focus or retain more than a paragraph, and then forgetting it shortly after. This is not my body. My body is healing, and the fatigue of what was weighs on my daily outlook.

I had a partial bm earlier today- I have to continue the bowel prep as I feel really bad tonight with painful gas (if you read earlier, that is actually good as it means they are working), but damn if I don't feel like I want to just bleh everywhere. My abdomen hurts, my back hurts, and my port hurts.



I'm just tired of these bad moments. End whine.

It's funny. I don't feel like a cancer patient. I'm not in denial about being sick (after a sugery like that, it isn't possible). Yet there it is. Cancer.

Fuck you narcotics.



I never could be a hard core user. I like poopimg too much, and the narcotic induced constipation is killing me. Gah! Right as I finally got the bowels working.



*sigh* I get to go through this again next week too, as I go under anesthesia again for my second port. Fucking narcotics.

Finally! A day at work where I wasn't worn out at the end. I've even made my bed (yes the surgery was so bad I physically was not able to make my bed before today). Add that I'm sore and have new restrictions for my right side (chemo port was put in yesterday), it's made the day a very good one.



I also had a long chat with my best friend who I've been avoiding for several years. Not that I didn't want to talk, but when you have kids, work, then other bits it's hard to connect. Add the stressors of the past seven years- so yeah, it's back to the just talk no matter what - cause shit happens. Besides it was like yesterday, that comfort of someone who doesn't try but gets you.



Now I'm tired, but rather pleaed with what I've done today. Small bits, before I break it down again...

My first chemo port was placed today. My next one requires full OR so it will be next week. Mid June I will be done with round and will know how I'm responding. Hopefully then we still have 0 found.



I was explaining to my cousin today why the extreme form of chemo. 1. Clear cell carcinoma is a rare form 6-7% of all ovarian cancers are this type, and it is resistant to the standard chemo regime.



2. Typically the success of my surgery combined with chemo means 40-70% five year survival. Given that I've been healing in the 90% percentile (while really harsh, my side effects are truly minor in the big picture) that means I can look at 50-65%. The lower percentage is due to it being resistant or I would have put 60-70%.



3. This type of chemo often has a 16-20% increase for adding time to the second statistic by increasing more than a year and half. Over all it puts my five year survival to over 60%, and with my lifestyle and diet- that should increase it further.



As soon as I was told what kind of cancer, I said I wanted this one. One of those gut instincts that I can't ignore. A part of me is scared shitless, another knows I've got this- but it's going to be hell.



I'm resting the rest of the day as the port is very annoying, and the anesthesia has worn me out. Although during the placement we talked about Canada vs Us with healthcare and what I viewed as many of the issues. It was a very lively and unexpected conversation.

Today was a couch day. Pups agreed. I called in because the abdominal discomfort coupled with gas cramping that doubles me over was just too much. I should have done a few hours- but the lack of wanting to move shows that I am more tired than i "think".



I have to start the vitamin regime again- I hadn't because up until yesterday my bowels were not normal. The issue want that I wasn't going, but how little and how difficult it was.



***tmi paragraph ***

Literally I would have to dig the shit out- for some reason the muscles were not properly moving, so I would have the urge- I would "go" and then nothing- although I could palpate and activate the muscles with some prodding. Even then, the bowel motion was incomplete and exhausting, to the point my but felt bruised from sitting.

***end Tmi***



Yesterday it started with massive gas pains similar to terrible cramps- but it ended with actual normal motions. Several of them. So today while I'm feeling better, it's the exhaustion of the full shift yesterday that really wore me down. I can literally feel the split in my muscles where the incision is- they are starting to heal. But because it's not complete, my endurance with things like sitting is limited. Too long and I'm exhausted or in pain. Which is why work is challenging. However doing three hours on Monday and five yesterday is a big step forward. So I'm grateful.



Tomorrow I find out my chemo schedule. Once I know it, a friend has offered to set up a type of go fund me account to help with medical. I'm close to 5k out of pocket right now, and I have no idea of the rx cost of chemo. I'm sure it will be brutal. Add to that the days I can't work- I need some serious help coming up. Thankfully I know I have some friends that will. It just sucks to have to ask.



In April, my godfather has offered to pay my and my mom's way to Maui. I don't know if it will work out with my chemo and other aspects, but it would be a most welcome distraction from this hell of a winter. So many things I want to do, but so very tired so much of the time still. At least I can tell I'm starting to feel better. That in itself is a blessing.

My damn bowels. This is so tiresome, and I don't know how to fix it.

It snowed here today, so my two hour coverage for the end of clinic didn't show. That meant I over did it and had a thirty patient day. I didn't get any charting done, so tomorrow I've got some work to do. Hopefully Monday I can have my coverage do the first two hours of clinic, and I'll finish the shift.



I'm doing it his way, so I can get treatment- and so that I don't over tire myself in this phase of the healing. FINALLY I'm seeing normal bowel function, and that is making a world of difference in how this healing process goes. One thing that makes sense, but still unexpected, is how hard it is to sit up right for a length of time. That is what makes working hard; my inability to lay down and do it.



Progress is being made, and my woe is me phase has for the first time passed, although I'm sure there will be more in the days a head. It seems a good friends mother now has cancer as well- and right as I e told him what's going on with me. It's brutal. It's not about risk factors alone anymore (on paper I was a low as you can get without being vegan), environmental factors are now the leading reason for why people get cancer, above even genetics (again, for this type of cancer I'm a lower risk). Although one of the sites I found listed being tall as a risk factor- opsy!



Ok time to med up to finish my night of sleep. Thankfully now, I just have minimal meds at night, with some nights completely med free. Just under three weeks- I really don't have much to complain about.