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Sew busy... Finished a few skirts, put a new zipper in- and plan on more tomorrow ;)

It's sad in a way that we need external stimuli to make clear what we see right in front us

Another email you simply hope you'll never get. My old roomie has been battling cancer for over 10 years. Last Christmas we almost lost her, and she asked me not to visit till she had recovered.



Prior to this christmas she was doing better and working up the strength to return to work. Today this is what I find in my email:



"Hey Ann,



After feeling well for several months, it's time to put out a little request for some unconditional love to my circle of friends.



Health-wise, I'm betwixt and between.  The anti-cancer herbs I started taking just after the new year do seem to work, if quite slowly; that's the nature of herbal medicine.  At the same time for no particular reason, cancer lesions in my bone marrow have started dumping so much alkaline phosphate ( a bone metabolite) into my liver that it threatens my liver function.  So, I'm currently doing a three-month course of chemotherapy (taxol once a week at Group Health), with the hopeful goal of quickly killing off enough bone marrow lesions to stop the assault on my liver.  If that works (which it should), then the herbs will have the six months or so they need to stabilize me.  My oncologist has been a thousand percent supportive through all my choices.  She's great.



So far the big side effects are just huge fatigue and feeling really cold.  I've just bought a couple of downy-fleecy things from Patagonia, and a couple pairs of Ugg boots which are helping to counter the latter.  I had a slightly surreal realization while on-line shopping.  You know my affection of odd shades of green, and there was a splendid neon green pull-over, but because of my condition, my skin is a little green (more like baby poop yellow), I had to opt for turquoise but it's all good.  Now, I'm cozy around the house in my down, flannel, shearling and favorite soft t-shirts (and, thank god for the absence of fashion police).  I may or may not lose my hair (we'll see after the next treatment), but if so, I'll just look like a buddhist nun for six months (and I'll try to take that attitude as well).  It will at least be at pixie stage by summer, and my coloring will be back to being beautifully suited to weird greens.



We have a little flurry of snow here, but nothing that stuck to the street.  Laughable compared to your winters; still, even Seattle winter gets old.  I'm ready for 70 degree days and flowers."



I have no words.

Barfing kitty, shitting doggie; that's how I spent my morning. Thanks for asking.



I also need to get to the gym. I have to treat this malaise as if it is simply not going to go away. 2 months of nothing and I'm DONE. The weight gain was more from eating and indulging in too many sweet things. Mixed with a healthy dose of I haven't been doing anything to keep my metabolism going.



It's been a few days of mucous free, so I'm hopeful that going tonight will not worsen where I'm at, and hopefully help my system reboot more effectively. I have a new mole or what appears to be a mole growing. It showed up the other day, and I've been doing some preventative stuff to try to remove it; which has not been successful.



Don't get me wrong, I'm still worried about what is going on, but I'm far more concerned with other aspects that need solutions and fast.



Perhaps that break and ease is just a moment away. Here's to hoping.

Mango chicken curry, it's what is in my belly!

Those who follow me on Facebook will have seen this already, but I also know that I don't add everyone there.



Here is some of the reason I primarily follow a grain free diet:







BUT that doesn't mean I have to stay away from cake... Almond flour+bean flour= I'm having CAKE!



Like I always say, it's not about not enjoying food- it's about enjoying REAL food. :)

Talk about weird.



My dream last night actually happened after I woke to grab some water (pisser about electric heat is you sometimes dry out during the night). I then felt like I was tossing and turning, and while I wasn't "sleeping" the following happened.



I got up to lift my mattress (only I don't have a box spring) to find kittens that were abandoned under it. Some of them were fetus sized, others were full blown new born kittens. I tried to gather as many as possible, while cleaning the remains of the ones I squashed while sleeping, trying not to step on them as they were everywhere.



Once I got them into the bathroom I only had a box with a hole in it, so some were getting "lost" though the hole and I was in desperate need for litter. When I got all of that situated I came back to find that only the larger and a few of the smaller ones were still there. The others were consumed by my other animals.



I'm still mildly disturbed by how I was in the dream and how it still seems like it happened.

So I brought my little speakers into my bedroom and now I am rockin' out with the iPod function on my phone while doing this journal entry and laying in bed about to pass out.



Totally sweet!

It was a good day.



Now. I. Want. To. Go. Home.



NOW NOW NOW!



*le sigh*



only another 10 minutes and I get to go home, and start working on some corset ideas :)



YAY to long weekends!

I want an app to make vr better on the phone :(



Me no likes vr mobile but the tiny buttons and trying to type here *sigh*

Last night was a very good night. I went out with a friend who I tried to make things work with a year ago October but due to the emotional attachment I had with Charlie, I quickly realized I was not being fair to him. It seems that his relationship of the last year is crumbling fast, which saddens me as this is the fourth friend I have that is in serious relationship issues. While this on may have different implications for me, I still don’t like to see people in this type of situation. What is worse is that he admitted he told “himself so” when they moved in together in June.



We had a lovely evening, went to dinner then shared a bottle of wine with catch up. We touched upon Charlie and why it didn’t work before, and I told him to take care of the situation he’s in first before moving on. One, it will make him feel better knowing he did everything he could, and two it won’t muddy the waters and make it into what could be a HORRID mess. Now the rest we shall see.



But for me that was simply not enough. Pilot boy messaged me this am wondering how I am. :-/ Honestly, I don’t want to talk to him. It is nice he is trying to see how I’m doing, but a bootie call is the last thing I’m looking for now, and if I were, I would not be going back. So I have to figure out some nice way of saying “thanks, no thanks.”



I also went to the gym to catch up with one of the girls that cause issue between Charlie and I, and that even went so far as to cause issue while he was in the hospital. It was nice to catch up with her, basically I let her ramble on and didn’t really talk about any of the deeper aspects of what is going on. Ironically she went on about one of our friends in a manner that mirrored what Charlie and I went through- I think she might have been trying to get more information from me. *shrugs* whatever, really I felt better after the gym as I kept it real for me- but didn’t go into my workings. Boundaries are in place, and I feel better about when we are around each other which is a relief. She also mentioned how she was worried about me because it seems I’m talking so much about drinking on facebook.



Goes to show that she doesn’t know me well. She wanted to make sure I wasn’t using it as an escape or crutch yadda yadda yadda. Nice of her to notice, and while I am drinking much more than I have in years, I also am doing it because simply put I’m not letting emotions out. When I am relaxed and such it is easier for me to just let them flow- plus I sleep better. Will this always be the case- no. That I’m confident about, as I’m not drinking to deal with the emotions- releasing is vastly different than dealing with. I’m constantly going over what I wanted before, where I’m headed and how I’m going to get there… Especially now that I FUCKED myself with finances. Yet again, my inability to get a part time job is limiting my ability to get the heck out of this financial fiasco. It is ok really, I have paid my rent- utilities- gym- bought supplies for work- for selling the balms and face masks I make… So hopefully it will generate more income. It’s just the right here and now that makes me want to tear out my hair.



I also talked to my friend about these things last night. He showed me some of the houses he is looking at purchasing as if/when the relationship ends he is considering buying a house so that he can move forward with equity. I’m very excited for him, and I showed him a number of houses that he was not considering that are even cheaper- but will allow him to fix things closer to what he wants. That was nice, to see that even though things are falling apart, there are point he has to look forward to. Now I just need to get myself back onto that track. But it doesn’t change that a major piece is just not there.

I figured it out walking yesterday. It is like my synesthesia is gone. No it isn’t really, but that is the easiest I can describe how I’m emotionally feeling.



It’s like an integral piece of how I relate and interact with the world is simply gone, and I’m trying to figure out how to get it back. Most people probably won’t relate to this, but some of you know first hand what I’m talking about. I can deal with many things, but taking this basic part of my relating I simply don’t know what to do, but keep faking things.



No not faking, but going through the motions. Putting forward what people want to see, and doing for the sake of I know I like to- but really not connecting or really even being there. I’m not really connected to anything right now. I simply can’t in certain instances, the pain is too real. In others, I’m trying but it isn’t real, it’s like a caricature of myself is going through the motions for me.



While being perfectly fine, I am not ok.

What is the point?



That seems to be the question that I simply don't have an answer for. And not having one makes things a little less desirable.



It's not about the dream.

It's not about the hope.



What is it about?



Connections?

Going through motions?



Honestly I don't know. All I know is that I went from a Technicolor world to one that seems to be black and I'm just a bit resentful. I can put on the face and "forget" that I don't see things this way. Similar to how you can see the colors of a black and white photo you took. But I know it's still black, and I want that color back.

I feel pickled, and am going to have to do another round of drunken ratings! I didn't get through too many with how long it took to get the awesome stamp loaded:



Yay Bones & Duckie for helping me :)



But 10 hours of sleep later (short window when I drink to when I get tired) I'm looking at a nap on the couch and yoga later. It is time to detox from would have and start doing.

Duckie Rulz! I now have a worming stamp and am onto beer and off to the rating!



:-D

I wanna stamppppp!!!!! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa





Damn might have to drunk rate without stamp

Phone is not compatible with Vr to up load graphic and computer still broken :'(



And I'm almost drunk

Shoot shoot shoot I can't load the AWESOME tag abstract made... And dang it I wanna STAMP tonight!!!!

Drunken rating anyone? I'm in pre-drinking mode... Should be full force in an hour or so ;)

Wow.



I've missed a lot.



And yet, it simply doesn't seem that important to me right now. It's like I can hear the comments that will never be said, the frustrations and the grief.



My own is enough to deal with, yet the whispers behind my back and around my person do not escape my notice. I'm just too polite to call them out. And the others I'm too private to share...







Strangely I'm getting a bit of release both from watching Sex in the City and P!nk's greatest hits.

I am so snotty it is gross. I can't tell if I'm really sick or just a ball of mucous.



Yet I also wanted to text you as I found that the corner mart of all things carries Ethiopian bread. I thought about how cool it would be to try our hand at making our own... As they had the spices too.



But you already knew that...

I am sick again. Well really, I never fully recovered. I am so tired, and well sick of being sick. I keep trying to explain that I have simply NEVER felt this weak in my entire life and people just nod and brush it aside. Which works for me, as I can’t express it to my family because then they would worry. Truthfully I’m a bit worried myself but I am watching and doing what can be done. Still I’m ready to move forward, not stagnate in this putrid feeling.



Charlie’s wake was this weekend, and it was a good time. The DJ played music that he himself mixed and created on his laptop. As well as many of the songs that he liked. Sadly some of his friends (I find it ironic that the ones that voiced this, are the ones that felt I didn’t know him well) felt it was “not him” and not what he wanted. Umm really? What part of HE MIXED this music don’t you get. But it goes to show you how your perceptions are limited by what time you spend with someone. Sadly I had heard some of the music, or was told about it by Charlie himself as he was rather into music of all kinds, so I knew how eclectic his tastes were. Crap there were times he would pull out his vinyl and play things and then explain the mixes he would do. He actually did some of that last summer before he really started feeling bad.



But I find it sad that so many want to recreate and make him into a saint. Granted, he was a gentleman- but not all the time. Hell the point of when I almost fell off the chair and he said “do it again” and I responded, “jerk you just want to see me fall on my ass” was given a “yup.”… really that’s a gentleman? No that is Charlie. And it is why we loved him, he would not be roped into any one way of thinking. So I feel bad that these people didn’t get to know him better.



I also had house guests that are friends of Charlies, and in truth I have a feeling will over time become friends. Everyone came Friday night so we all stayed up till 4am and then Saturday we went to bed closer to 3am. One was from his home town, and the other two were from an area closer to Toronto. It made for great predrinking and then two other friends from Sarnia stopped in for predrinking and chili, and Charlie’s sister and one of his oldest friends stopped in right before we left for the bar.

His caregiver showed up, which was nice, but also bothered me- as she gave me back things I had loaned to him and made for him… as well as the letters I wrote to him. I didn’t get to see what letters they were as I was dancing and others went through the box. His sister that came found the letters and asked me if she could keep them. I told her of course- as I think the family should have first choice- and I know what I said to him. But while I get wanting to distribute, really? At the bar when we are drinking and not really thinking? *sigh* Mind you my box was about 2x2.5 feet big as I had loaned him a dvd player and some dvd’s … so it was not small and not easy to carry in snow as I wore my shit kickers *those of you in NOLA or that remember my old profile will have seen them*



Now I’m going home to rest before my afternoon as I’m really feeling ill and I need a nap. Again was good weekend- I’m really just doing some of these entries so I don’t forget what happens as I still have shitty timelines.

It is nice having a house full of guests... tonight I will drink way too much even if I try not to- simply because there are enough people that it will happen.



It is going to be a good night, one he would have enjoyed. Hell last night he would have liked... it's about the people.



Now I just need to finish with my client and go home and make BACON :)

A friend told me today that I'm still working on adrenaline... he thinks I will crash after this weekend.



I hope he's wrong.



A part of me simply wants to get back to things. Yet I do know that is not going to happen in the manner that I want it too. I'm trying so hard just to keep day to day going and not just that but growing. Still when a friend posted this quote from Lord of the Rings, I can't help but feel the resonance of it:



How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand: there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend; some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.



This has been the longest that I have not talked with Charlie. That is what most of the people here did not know- we talked everyday in some manner. And that cannot be fixed or brought back.

Today in 1959 the music died...

OMG *dies laughing*



I love Meeper's new stamp!



Now we just need an approprate stamp for when we choose to go drunken rating (loved that idea Meeper left earlier in the week)... now who wants in on the drunken ratings?



That's if we find someone wanting to make uber abnoxious stamp for us lol >:D

Images sucks monkey ballz.



I had my menu planned for my guests this weekend (it is Charlie's wake for those that could not travel to the funeral). But NOOOOO she had to mention cheesy dip and bean dip and now I MUST MAKE hot cheesy bean dip in addition to spinach dip.



*sigh*



Tis ok, tomorrow night we will have a lemon chicken with salad and creamy pesto egg noodles.



Sat am blueberry pancakes with fresh eggs and bacon.



Sat pm for mini gathering: homemade chili, spinach dip and hot cheesy bean dip!



It's good having company as it is forcing me to clean my house and get it where I want it, instead of where it has been. I just wish I weren't so tired. But I have coffee crisp ice cream at home... so after this client I'm gonna SPACE out!

Today started well enough, and then it hit me as to what day it was. The emotions have been up and down since then. I'm simply worn. Granted my facebook "out put" is still up beat, deeper down there is a malaise that does not stop.



I contacted a few people that I haven't messaged in a while, and I need to get more work done. Yet I know I will go home and watch TV and play on my phone. No it isn't an escape, I'm actually very happy with work and some of my plans.



And while I know certain things, at the same point things just aren't right. It feels like one of those puzzles where you have the answer right in front of you, but you simply don't see it. You know it is there, you know you aren't seeing it: you feel it to your core. Yet you just aren't putting the pieces together and you have the sense that things are simply: WRONG.



I'm going to head to the bank, then the store and get some ice cream... from there hopefully I'll be less "ick" and more "umph" but really for how much is going well, I can't seem to get the spring back into my step... and I want it back.

One month today...