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I think I was just flamed by my MOTHER on facebook. LOL! ;) See below- Mom is "Ruth"



Wendy- I miss coming to visit you and have Chinese food. =( Love you Ruthie!!





Ruth - I miss your visits and our time together and the lemon chicken too,, Love you too Wendy!!!





Michelle -oooh maybe we should meet somewhere in the middle for dinner? you know, at a place where there's enough food for Sahahria? lol





Ruth - Michelle, I'd love that!!! Regarding Sahahria's appetite, if she's eating like she did when she was training for the Nationals, we'll all have to bring the Credit cards+ lots o cash!!! :) We could never figure out where she put it all!!! :) :)

I got new pedals for my bike yesterday! Wooo :)



Charlie insisted on putting them on after I helped move some of the last things of his that needed moving. While I've had this type of pedal before, he was a bit insistent because I have fallen already-and the next type of pedal will cost about 200-250 as I have to get shoes as well. I had asked a friend of his thy works in the bike shop about cleaning... And of course he brought up that my bike is dirty (was muddy the other day). It was a normal bit for us- and after everything made me look at the situation in different light. This summer has been hell on him-and in truth our friendship. Some of the things said, felt and experienced are not ones that I would wish on anyone.



This morning started out with heavy fog, so I'm currently waiting for our food break to end so we can do our row and I can get my shopping done and start some meal prep for the week. These next two weeks will be hard with full days of both rowing and working- then it switches to early am and a bit more normalcy. As much as there can be with a good friend going through a surgery that will in fact determine how long he has to live.



A part of me simply still can't face that.

Today is the first day of rowing camp (official camp) and as I sit at the boat house waiting for meeting to finish and our row to start- I already dread the people who I will disappoint/hurt in the selection process.



The problem with Canadian rowing at the university level is that our season is 11 weeks including not mandatory camps. This is a great amount of time to really start technical improvements, but not enough time to improve fitness. This means thatthe women that are not fit will not be able to improve and be where they want to be.



So my job in part is to tell them where they rank and what they can improve- then the rest has to come from them during the winter/spring.



I hate this part of what I do, by thankfully it will be done by Sept 13.



I just hope I can do it with compassion and constructively so that they take a disadvantage and make it a strength.

I still pray for you everyday.



No matter the arguements or misunderstandings that really only happened as a farce. That is not what is important.



As much as I wish to move on, I know that I don't wish to be uncaring or untrue to who I am- and so each day I pray.

Uggg being on phone here is difficult at times... I keep blocking the people I'm talking to :/

And it is only day 3 of our unofficial rowing camp. This schedule will be in place until Sept 12th and then we go to 5:30 start time... Which means 4:30 wake up. It wouldn't be bad, but I work until 9pm most days...



Here's to what sleep I can get now...

Yesterday was a rough night, great day over all, but the drama... oh lordy the drama.



*sigh*



It's made me realize something I hold to be very true...



A friend is someone that assumes the best even you present the worst.



Now to clarify this a bit: I don't mean they don't call you on your "shit", nor do I mean they tollerate bad behaviour- but when you present something that seems to be out of character or against your own values- they ask you about it. Discuss it with you, and at times agree to disagree.



Those that can not do this, are not truly friends- OR you are touching on something in themselves that they don't have the maturity to deal with- and either way it is a personal problem- and you are not the person for the problem.



This slight shift in perception, has lead to my day being very bright and my ability to choose to be happy most certainly happening :)

My apologies if my brother reads this. Pat I need to vent and not scream at you- so here is better.



ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You think that asking a friend on FB is an appropriate way to get your air conditioning unit/heat pump fixed? It's only 5 fucking years old and you have NOT serviced it or changed the goddamn filters. OMG... let's ask FB and see what someone can say-



INSTEAD OF ASKING THE WOMAN THAT CHOOSE THE SYSTEM AND SET IT UP FOR YOU?! are you dumb as shit?



Grrrrr. Really, it is simple- talk to our mother, she PAID for the unit, while I choose it... questions should go to the both of US not some idiot on FB. AND if it needs to be fixed you will hire a professional service to come and do the work... Hell I had one all set up, all you had to do is pick up the damn phone and pay 150 once a year. GRRRRRRR



On top of this, another fight with Charlie due to miscommunication of texting... really- you would think I know NOT to text him by now. And seriously I'm done. Y'all go fuck yourselves, I on the other hand am going to read a romance novel and try to imagine my life without the drama you all bring.



Sheesh.



Over and out.



Oh wait- good news :) I have talked with my Mom and she agrees once I get my car fixed it is time for me to get a puppy... and she agrees with what I want to get- a standard poodle (black)... today I found my dog's name! YAY



I can already see this dog... I don't know if I'll be able to wait till winter.. but funds will most likely make that a certainty. YAY! Ok rant over, some of happy mood returned :)

This entry is probably going to be uncharitable, and should probably be private entry. Yet I know I am not the only one to hit these nasty spaces- so because I can't seem to say anything until I say the "shit" I might as well put it here where I've poured so much of myself over the past 5 years.



I fucking wish you would die already. I get that you're sick and that you hate it- that you would rather be alone wallowing and then wishing you had someone to comfort you- knowing you would simply push that person away if they were there.



I want to be DONE with you. And it seems the only true way for me to do that is for you to simply no longer be. This tangled web of how we met- in truth how could we not have met considering how many different areas you seem to be involved in? I don't think there is anywhere I can go here where I will be fully removed from you. Even going home I don't think would help.



I don't like the path I'm treading- yet at the same point it is only the anger that I can't stand. Over all I'm truly finding me- and reclaiming what I started to hide years ago. It's been a slow progress of learning to open up, and yet still find the balance of who i wish to be. That's the thing- of everyone I know you got it. Fuck you still would.



I simply don't know how to think about anything more than temporary because I can't stand this.... this... whatever it is. I can reason till the cows come home- and my Mother still defends you when I'm like this. That was a blow. Remember what illness does, you know what the medications do, you know how people feel on them... yes I KNOW ALL READY GODDAMNIT.



Perhaps that is why I want to throw a tantrum.



I do know, and I know how to help in small ways. It is what I do professionally, and what I would do for any of my friends. It is why I wanted to be in the healing arts- I want to help... and you've taken that from me. Even now I know my truth is not this ugly. That it is the hurt of my own pride... because I know I'm good at what I do.



And I know it has to be your choice- and that is your pride.



Will there ever be a chance for a truce? Perhaps tomorrow we will find out. But right now I need to get over the emotional upheaval of my emotional tantrums. I can't seem to ration my way out of this or even logically do what I know I must... that is one thing I wish to have back- my control.

Ok two more on the science of why I tell clients to eat 14-20 grams of protein at breakfast...



Watch this one to see why you gain weight even if your calorie count is ok... simply by skipping a meal







Now look at how WHAT you eat changes what you CRAVE.







For women especially, if you don't get 14 grams of protein at breakfast you will be more likely to crave sugar after your dinner. Why? Because your body takes protein and breaks it and fats down into amino acids. These amino acids are what our body uses to repair muscle mass and produce hormones.



You don't eat enough protein, then your hormones will not naturally balance which leads to: Headaches, cramps, swollen breasts, painful menses... etc. Also your body will crave the sugar not just because of the above - but also because it is MISSING nutrients it NEEDS.



How do you break the cycle?



14-20 grams of protein at breakfast (consider protein shake if you simply won't eat or need fast).



At night when you crave sugar, or IF you crave it- 2 pieces of fruit- THEN whatever you want (provided you had balanced Dinner). No balanced dinner- then you MUST eat a balanced dinner- then two pieces of fruit and THEN and only then... you can have your treat...

I constantly get asked how I lost weight... then I get people looking at me funny when I won't eat certain foods unless I have prepared for "going out"...



Here is a simplistic video that explains pH and how your diet DOES affect your wellbeing.







Keep in mind there is also a high correlation of an acidic diet and cancer... think about what you eat- you are the by product of what your body breaks down and then USES to repair, and create new cells.



You ARE what you eat.



It may not seem to affect you right now... or even tomorrow.. but 7-8 years from now you WILL be a brand new cellular being. Will you have given your body the best tools for it to reproduce? Or will your body be using poor substitutes that force it to work harder?



The choice is yours... and yes I eat just as much as I always have. No my diet isn't perfect, I still once in a while enjoy a treat... but it is ONCE in a while. Has this happened overnight- hell no. But each day I take responsibility to what I put in my mouth, and I have taken time and effort to remove the "guilt" I used to associate with what I eat. By doing so- I control my food, not my food controlling me.



Just sayin'.

It's interesting the parallels between Charlie and my step-father. At the same point I can't help but acknowledge the differences.



Both quit drinking about 20 years ago because of issues they had regarding drink.



Both started drinking this year. Charlie because he's ill and wants to see what he's missing/ as in a drink with dinner, trying out a different liquor, etc. He's in complete control and is learning he has the ability to not "go overboard" as he did previously.



My step-father is a different story. He is currently drinking a 6pack a night, is getting mean again- and blaming others for his "wanting to drink".



That my mother still allows him around her person has me very concerned right now. As my mother is not doing well- she has been ill, and frankly she doesn't need the stress of my step-father drinking around her. Add to that the violence I both witnessed and that was imposed on my person by him- I'm very very worried that he is on the slope of loosing it all- and potentially taking my mother with him.



While I'm glad to see one person doing well with their choice and learning they have grown past who they were, I am saddened to see another "throw" away the work he did, simply because he doesn't care. It is sad and pathetic.

A classmate of mine died last night after a 12 year battle with cancer. He turned 38 on Saturday, and while I didn't know him well- I feel we are the losers on this. Seriously when are we going to wake up and change how we live from treating illness to living prevention?



There is a difference, a big one.

I flirted with a red cardinal on the way home tonight. Was lovely :)

Last night ended up being one of those nights you pay for all week long. So worth it, but so bad for your system. I crawled into my own bed at about 5 am after dancing and chatting with friends most of the night. Today I've only eaten food I normally don't and I know I will pay for it for the rest of the week. Still with all the laughter I have to admit I will probably do it again if the opportunity presents itself.



Ok back to movies and veg time...

So yesterday I was out and ran into Charlie. The funny thing about all of this- no phone, no talking for what a couple of weeks and he doesn't seem to notice. Granted between the drugs and treatment- I don't know how much I would notice if I'm completely honest with myself.



He texted me so I could add him to my new phone, and interestingly enough- yet again it ended up in another text conversation for about an hour after I left. This is why I knew I needed to not have my phone, I simply want to respond. Now with his being programmed again in my phone comes the urge to share things I see/find. Perhaps I will be successful in resisting this urge- I have no idea. I hope I will- this dead beat record is one that I'm tired of hearing, and yet something keeps the power going to the player.



Oh well, that's about as much of me as I can handle right now. Off to yoga and breath where while I feel plenty, I am taken away from the outside world I so need a vacation from. I'm still not certain on brunch, as well- that requires more thought that I don't want to give...