The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Titter**
13:22 Oct 31 2010
Times Read: 753




Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable..'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh.. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

**Giggles**
00:34 Oct 31 2010
Times Read: 766

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with

perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite

your breasts for $100? "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away



He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.





"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"





So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"





She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there .





So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.





The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"





"Nah", says the Scotsman.. "Costs too much.

**Guffaw**
15:46 Oct 30 2010
Times Read: 774

Two Gay Guys are going to the Zoo in Sydney.



They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.



The gay men are fascinated by this.



One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.







The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.







When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.







An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.







A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'







'AM I HURT?' he shouts;







'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't written....'

**Titters**
00:02 Oct 30 2010
Times Read: 779

A biker, wearing club colors, is visiting the zoo when he sees a little girl about 8-years old leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside the cage. While her parents are screaming, the biker jumps over the barrier, runs to the cage, reaches into the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. The lion jumps back, letting go of the girl. The biker brings her back to her terrified parents whereupon they thank him endlessly for his heroic action saving their daughter's life.A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I have ever seen a man do in my whole life.'



The biker replied, 'Why it was nothing really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted; I did what I felt was right.'



'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for the New York Times and believe me, tomorrow's paper will have this on page one! What kind of motorcycle do you ride?'



'A Harley Davidson', replies the biker.



Showing such compassion for that little girl you must be a democrat.



'No, replied the biker, I'm a Republican'.



The journalist finishes taking notes and leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it mentions his actions, and reads, on page one, in large bold face type:



'BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.'

**Giggles**
22:45 Oct 29 2010
Times Read: 787

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:



"Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm."



"Do you masturbate?", he says.



"No luck". is the reply.



"How about cunnilingus?"



"Nope"



"Kick-start vibrator?"



"Wakes up the neighbors, but not me." she complains.



"Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here." the doctor says as he walks into the next room.



He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.



"What is it", she gasps.



"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.



"It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,



hand!" he commands.



The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.



"Ooooh", she sighs.



"VOODOO DICK, box." The dick returns in a shot to its case.



"You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power."



Certainly, of course, anything you say" she sputters, the wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.



So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she can't wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.



"VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.



"VOODOO DICK, pussy!" she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.



"VOODOO DICK, fuck me." It begins to thrust in and out.



"VOODOO DICK, faster!" It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.



"VOODOO DICK, harder!" It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.



"VOODOO DICK, stop." BUT IT WON'T STOP



"VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she yells. It continues its relentless assault.



"Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts" It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in.



She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.



The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing - gotta go" she yells.



"Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?"



"You don't under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me." she sputters.



"A WHAT?", the cop yells?



"A magic VOODOO DICK. It's after me!" she exclaims.



To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"

**Guffaw**
14:43 Oct 28 2010
Times Read: 804

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend

the night with her for $500.







They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the



payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'







On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.







So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:







'Dear Madam:





Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment.





I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:





#1 - it had never been occupied;





#2 - there was plenty of heat; and





#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.





However, I found out that:





#1 - it had been previously occupied,





#2 - there wasn't any heat, and





#3 - it was entirely too large.'





Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:







'Dear Sir:





#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.





#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.





#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.





So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

**Giggles**
13:36 Oct 28 2010
Times Read: 819

A young Arab asks his father:



What is this weird hat that we are wearing?





It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?





It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body.



And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?



These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert.



Tell me, papa...



Yes, my son?



Why are we living in Sydney and still wearing all this shit?

**Guffaw**
00:50 Oct 24 2010
Times Read: 843

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.

'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted

**Giggles**
00:22 Oct 21 2010
Times Read: 859

A soldier ran up to a nun.



Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.



I'll explain later.'



The nun agreed.



A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'



The nun replied, 'He went that way.'



After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.



You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'



The nun said, 'I understand completely.'



The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'



The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.



I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

**Giggles**
14:09 Oct 17 2010
Times Read: 876

Extract from Tony's s new book!

˜I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street. On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.



With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.



"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.



"No way, 50p!" I fired back..



This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.



I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"



And I'd yell back "50p!"



One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.



As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings.



I realised I needed to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.



As we jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.



Sure enough, there was the hooker.



I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.



Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,



"See what you get for 50p?"

**Giggles**
23:20 Oct 15 2010
Times Read: 887

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Darwin sat a huge Aboriginal Man.



He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously Gay man walked in and sat beside him.



After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big Aboriginal man.



Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"



At this, the massive Aboriginal man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool.





He Proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him Bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.





Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Aboriginal, And said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?





"I don't know," the Aboriginal replied.





"Something about a job."

**Snrk**
14:03 Oct 14 2010
Times Read: 899

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!



Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.



He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.



Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.



She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.



Needless to say, she won.







~~Hi Sue,







Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.



Last week I had a bad day at the office.



I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.



Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.







As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.



I wear a suit to the office.



It's a wet suit.



This time of year the water is quite cool.



So what we do to keep warm is this:



We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.



This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.



It heats it to a delightful temperature.



It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.



This floods my whole suit with warm water.



It's like working in a Jacuzzi.



Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my b*tt started to itch.



So, of course, I scratched it.



This only made things worse.



Within a few seconds my backside started to burn.



I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.



In agony I realized what had happened.



The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.



Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the



Crack of my backside was not as fortunate.



When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my b*tt.



I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.



His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.



Needless to say I aborted the dive.



I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.



When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.



As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my b*tt as soon as I got in the chamber.



The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't s**t for two days because my b**t was swollen shut.



So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if



you had a jellyfish shoved up your b*tt.



Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."



Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?







May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

**Guffaw**
23:56 Oct 13 2010
Times Read: 906

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.



He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'



The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?



We have:



Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.



The amazed father asks:





'It's what?!





Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'



The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:







'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

00:11 Oct 13 2010
Times Read: 910

The teacher at the beginning of the class says:

"OK kids, we are going to talk about sexual education today.



First we'll talk about how the human reproduction goes on."

Immediately, little Johnny raises his hand, and desperately tries to get the teacher's attention.



But the teacher, knowing how little Johnny is about these things, goes on.

"First, a man and woman have to be in love."

But little Johnny keeps his hand up, waving it up and down, and from one side to the other one.

The teacher ignores him.



"They have to be very much in love because."

But now little Johnny even starts making noise with his feet, so the teacher decides to acknowledge him:

"OK, little Johnny.



What do you want to say?"

Little Johnny then stands up, and says:

"I just wanted to ask.



Those of us who have already done it can we leave?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.



She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink?



How about you, Johnny?"

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry.



That's the wrong answer.



Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed.



"I didn't know the stem was that long!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"



"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?"

"What's the f""""" difference?"

"That's exactly what I said."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Little Johnny and his li'l sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love.



"Wow, look at them!



And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each other.

"Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks Johnny.

"Well, the one below has relaxed and the one above has concentrated."

"Okay, I've understood."

"What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically.



"Never relax in your life, dad, or you'll get fucked like a dog!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Johnny's parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house.

Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh, please, I'm so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed."

She agrees, they go to bed.



In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed.

She exclaims:



"Johnny? Where is Johnny?!!!"

"Johnny?



Who is Johnny?



Is that the little boy selling the tickets outside?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what those things on your chest?"

Unsure how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget.



The following morning he asked his father the same question.

His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons.



When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early.



Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically.



"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"



His father says, "Calm down son!



Why do you think Mommy's dying?"



Johnny replies, "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A teacher asks her class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second little girl says, "Predator."

Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Then little Johnny puts up his hand and says, "Vibrator."



After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word too, but I don't think we can count it because it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my mom has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow."

**Sniggers**
15:34 Oct 11 2010
Times Read: 916

**Snigger**

14:20:43 - Oct 11 2010

Times Read: 11



ADMIN: | EDIT | DELETE |





The Black Bra (as told by a woman)



I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.



We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.



We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.





Here's how it all went.



My engaged friend:





The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.





He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.





I love you.'





Then we made passionate love all night long.



The mistress:





Me too!





The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.





When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.





Then I had to share my story:



When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.





When he came in the door and saw me he said,





(you are going to love this.......)







"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

**Guffaw**
12:59 Oct 10 2010
Times Read: 925

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.



Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!



Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story??



(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)



'When you’re Hung like a Horse, You Don’t Need a Harley to Pick up Chicks!

**Giggles**
14:50 Oct 07 2010
Times Read: 942

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.



Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.



After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"



She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."



Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.



This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.



The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"



Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."



Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.



Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.



Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.



Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"



Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."

**Giggles**
11:53 Oct 06 2010
Times Read: 953

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery' 'What's dat, says his mate.







'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

**Smirk**
00:34 Oct 05 2010
Times Read: 967

A young boy comes down for breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.



His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.



Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.



When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.



When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.



He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.



How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.



Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, So you don't get any eggs for a week.



I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.



I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."



Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.



The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,





"You gonna tell him or should I?"

**Giggles**
16:46 Oct 01 2010
Times Read: 984

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.



The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.



Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.



'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.



Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.



'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'



The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'



'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.