When did I realize I was god? When I was praying and I realized I was talking to myself.
Well not really, but that is when I realized how silly religion can be. I was ten years old and my favorite uncle was on his death bed, while I prayed my little heart out that he would live. I heard no trumpets, I felt no presence of angels, nothing at all.
In the morning, I found out my uncle was dead. That killed whatever small flicker of hope I had that there was a god and that he was loving and all powerful. Then I started really thinking about things, not just day dreaming my time away, but really thinking. I think my uncle's death, and the realization that there was no "God" in the Christian sense of the word served as a kind of catalyst which allowed my mind to switch into a more critical and analytic mode.
Perhaps I would have gone forward from that point galvanized by the belief in nothing if it were not for a series of events which transpired the day after my Uncle's funeral. I was staying with my grandmother and grandfather, because both of my parents worked long hours. Mother would send me next door to their house every morning at 5am and I would get ready for school and leave from there if school was in session, if not I would go back to bed until about 8am when I would be rolled out, dressed, fed, and sent out to play.
My grandmother was adamant that I spent the morning outdoors every day when school was out, if the weather was fair. I could come in and read, or hunt through the attic, or draw (which I preferred to do as there were no children to play with) after lunch. The morning after the funeral was a Tuesday but I was staying home because it was the week of spring break.
As I sat at the table eating breakfast I saw motion to my right in the dining room, I looked up to see my uncle walking through that room into the small hallway which led to the bathroom and my grandparents' bedroom. I went back to eating my breakfast for a moment before it dawned on me that my Uncle Howard was dead and that I had seen him buried just the day before.
I think I nearly choked on my Rice Crispies at the point. I jumped up and ran into the hallway off the dining room but my uncle wasn't there, he wasn't anywhere to be found. I knew then that while perhaps there wasn't a god above, spirits can and do walk the earth. A few days later I told my mother what I saw and asked her not to tell my grandparents about it because I was afraid it would upset them.
She shocked me by saying that my grandfather had seen the ghost of my uncle as well and had told my mother not to mention it to me because he was afraid it would frighten me. He never would discuss the appearances of my uncle's ghost with me. And my uncle's ghost continues to appear now and then in that house to this very day.
I live here now, my grandfather has since died, and my grandmother's health is in serious decline. I serve as her primary care giver, house keeper, and cook. I suppose I've been nearly obsessed with the occult since that day seventeen years ago. Ghosts, witchcraft, any and all of it fascinates me. I even enjoy studying the many religions of the world.
I consider myself to be Pagan, a very eclectic pagan actually, and I still question pretty much everything, everyday of my life.
Above you see an image taken in my bedroom one night when I had the distinct feeling that I wasn't alone. So I took my camera and aimed it over my shoulder, this picture was the result. I'm not saying the glowing orb is a ghost, but many do believe that orbs do denote the presence of spirits in a location.
I have only ever captured one picture that appears to have a true aparition. This picture was taken on the front porch of my grandparent's house last summer. My brother is sitting in the chair, his son on the swing. For some reason both of their faces came out looking strangely distorted. Between them you can see what looks a lot like the spirit of my grandfather. His face is just visible over the top bar of the swing. It looks like he's wearing his old Sunday-go-to-meeting suit, hat, and overcoat.
Besides chasing the occasional ghost, I spend a lot of time helping out with ShadowLore, a group for all otherkin. http://www.shadowlore.net
It's a good group made up of some of the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet.
That pic is from the fall 2004 gathering at Eagle's Mere, PA. I'm not in the picture because I was manning the camera. (For the sharp-eyed among you, see if you can spot the handful of VR members in the pic!) It was the most amazing event I've ever had the privelage of attending. Sadly I couldn't make the 2005 fall gathering but I've got my sights firmly set on fall 2006 and will be there come hell or high water.
Above you can see my baby, my hearse Morbidia. I love my car. I'd wanted a hearse since I was a kid and saw the movie Phantasm, so when I found CW Coach Sales, an Ohio Hearse and Professional Car resale lot's website I knew the time had come. I sold the nearly new Suzuki Grand Vitara my grandmother bought for me in 2003, took the cash and went for my dream.
Morbidia is a 1991 Cadillac Fleetwood with a Sayers and Scoville Victoria Hearse Conversion. Isn't she lovely? I'm slowly fixing her up and customizing as I can afford it. It's slow going, but well worth it. She only has 55,000 orig miles and runs a sweet as you please.
I've run down more than a few sports cars with this girl, and all of the drivers were left in the dust with a look of slack jawed horror on their faces. I guess they didn't realize an automatic V-8 could run like that. Ahhhh, priceless!
That last image in the collage is of my teaching grade skeleton whom I've named Vincent (What else?), he sat behind the wheel all halloween night this past fall with one of my cigarettes firmly situated between his teeth. In the middle picture you can see my house with Morbidia out front. That was the morning of Halloween, taken while I was taking a break from decorating.
We ended up with way too much candy left over, mainly because many of the children refused to come up the walk to get any. I was actually yelled at by a few parents because of the display, and I didn't use one damn drop of fake blood. In the dark with the low lying fogger going full blast, with Midnight Syndicate's Gates of Delirium playing and the mood lighting turned on, the place looked very ominous. :)
