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"Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another - the getting and using and finding means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman who's life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death."
The quote above is an excerpt taken out of the book entitled, "Narcotics Anonymous." It is the first paragraph under the chapter entitled "Who Is An Addict"? And they are right.. Most people who identify with the disease of addiction do NOT have to think twice about the question because we do already know. We have come to a point in our lives where we have decided to stop running away from our own selves and face everything in recovery. We have decided that we are tired of being sick and tired. We have decided to change our lives.
Within this change, it is not just the drugs that are the problem. It is actually US who are the real problem. Our use of them was just a symptom of an even greater problem... Ourselves.
I will be writing the rest of this piece in the first person, as everyone is different, and I am hoping that my experience and knowledge will help another one day. Addiction is a disease involving more than just the use of drugs. It involves a number of behavior patterns that sometimes, are present before we ever even started using drugs or drinking! I know they were present within me. It all began with a poem I wrote for my English class in seventh grade called "Missing". The poem starts like this..
"There is a part of me that is missing.
It wasn't lost,
It was taken away."
That was the very first time I wrote about the "void". I always felt like there was this void that was missing in my life.. A feeling, a thought. I didn't know what the heck it was, however, I did know that whatever it was, it was missing. I remember as a young child and early teen, lying to my mother about stupid things. These were patterns of behavior that were setting me up as an addict before I ever even saw a drug!
When I was fifteen, I started using drugs and was drinking and drugging regularly by the time I was 17. The drugs and alcohol seemed to fill the void that I had been missing my whole life. I felt whole. I had finally found the answer. It was like I had found Jesus!
For everyone else, I was lost! They did not know who I was anymore. My family was confused. I found myself going to mental institutions. Getting in a high speed chase with the cops. I never saw the drugs as a problem. They were the solution in my eyes! After all, they filled the void. I never realized that I was the problem. Lying to my mother, stealing from her, shoplifting.. These are all addict behaviors starting at a young age. At this age, I would never have admitted to being an addict, yet deep down inside I knew.
At no time in my life did I "choose" to be an addict. None of us did. The disease of addiction expresses itself in anti-social ways, which makes diagnosis and treatment far from possible. When I was a child, and my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said I wanted to be a famous singer. I didn't say, "Well, I wanna stick needles in my arms and steal from my own mother!" Addict behavior is something that a non-addict will never understand. When we are in active addiction, we are only getting and finding ways and means of getting more drugs or alcohol or both. We cut ourselves off from the people who really care about us and why do we do that? They do not want me getting drunk or high. That is my medication! They don't understand! I was doing it to feel better! However, in the end, it only made my situation and my feelings much, much worse. My self-esteem and self-worth were at an all time low. I did not want to deal with life on LIFE's terms. I wanted to deal with them on Mary's terms. I wanted it here, there and now. My way. No highway option. This was no way to live though. It was a way to die and I do NOT want to die. So I had to quit the drugs and figure out myself. I had to figure out why I was using in the first place. And then, only then, may I be able to start healing and get better. At the end of the day? My miracle medication ceased to make me feel good. It was a temporary relief to make dealing with the world a little easier.
I needed to hit bottom. My spirit was broken when I finally did. I really didn't know how to live unless I was getting high or drinking alcohol. My ability to love and function in the community had been affected greatly in a negative way. My sense of humanity and self was lost! I hated myself! I had to change and I had to do it fast. As I have already been to jails, prisons, institutions and dereliction...? There was only one thing left for me. That was death and I didn't want to die.
While I was using and drinking, I was in a different world than I am in now. I used the belief that the world was wrong to justify my self-destructive behavior. I was two people with two personalities. The sober Mary and the messed up Mary. This point in my life was really the end of the good times. It was no longer a party. Getting high was a full time job. I was mentally, spiritually and physically breaking myself down little by little. After years of searching and thinking that drugs were the answer, I was more miserable and less fulfilled than when it all began with that poem I wrote in 7th grade at the age of 13. I was in shackles made by my own hands.
I am not a huge believer in the fellowship of AA or NA, however, I do agree with their steps and some of their literature. I do not attend meetings. However, I do follow their principles and incorporate their way of life into my daily living. I had to admit complete defeat. I was so defenseless at the point when I hit rock bottom. They say everyone has a different bottom. Some have to suffer more than others. I feel as though I suffered more than most others, but they say highly intelligent people have no common sense. Guess the door of life just finally hit me in the ass and I said, oops! Excuse me.. Let me take a look at this situation. My situation. Myself. Holy macrel! It's NOT the drugs that are the problem. It's me! I have a big problem. I am completely powerless over my addiction. I can not control it. It is controlling me like a pawn on a Chess board! This realization not only gave me the opportunity to finally stop using drugs; it saved my life! Only after having this spiritual awakening, can one get the help that they so desperately need.
At first, I did it one day, one hour sometimes one minute at a time. I woke up that morning, I said to my boyfriend, "Today, we are not going to get high!", and neither one of us has used since. The following day was one of the hardest days of my life, but I did it. One hour, one second at a time. The average craving for drugs and alcohol lasts four minutes. If you can get through that four minutes without using/drinking, then you can definitely win the war. It takes the winning of several battles to win a war. Ultimately, you will get there. If I did it, anyone can.
My story is special. Most people who are in a relationship will not get clean together. I just got lucky. Especially considering we have a daughter together. So please, if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, understand that in order to get clean and stay that way, you may have to leave him/her. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean. If not, you will fail. I told myself that I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean and sober. I still tell myself that every day. I am willing to work even harder on my recovery than I did to obtain drugs and alcohol! The only alternative to recovery is jail, been there, prison, been there, dereliction, been there and death. You do the math.
There will never be a cure for the disease of addiction, but there is a treatment. That treatment is sobriety. Each day is a gift and we need to decide how we are going to use that gift. Are you going to piddle it away on drugs and alcohol or are you going to use it as an opportunity to learn, grow and help others. I know what I'm going to do.
**This article was written by *BeautifulEnlightenment* and protected by Dorrance Publishing. You must ASK to reproduce this piece of art.**
