xPsychex's Vampire Journal

xPsychex's Journal

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5 entries this month

← Jul 2008

Jul 2009 →

But Do They Bloom?
05:00 Jun 28 2009
Times Read: 625

But do they bloom?

I wonder if they come in different colors? I wonder about the fragrance?

I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water? I wonder if they bloom?

I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table

or in the entry?

I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?

I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd. in Fishers ( Indianapolis ). The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!

COMMENTS

Dog for sale!
20:36 Jun 24 2009
Times Read: 631

Dog For Sale

* Free to good home.

* Excellent guard dog.

* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

* Most of them knew him as ' Holy Shit. '

COMMENTS

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
20:00 Jun 24 2009
Times Read: 634

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.?

The Minister then repeated his question.?

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.?

'Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

'I don't have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly.?

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight,' she replied.?

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live

ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,

'I outlived the bitches.'

COMMENTS

Don't Talk To My Parrot!
18:45 Jun 23 2009
Times Read: 638

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.'

'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied,

'Get him Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

COMMENTS

Costello Buying a Computer
00:03 Jun 21 2009
Times Read: 655

If Bud and Lou were here today -

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello , and

too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate

this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out

something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you

have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a

proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about

financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'.............

COMMENTS