The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The most expensive and beautiful piano,

Will not make you a great pianist,

The artist is not decided by his tools,

The writer does not need more than a pen and a pad,

The innocence we are given,

Is quickly take from us,

Many too soon,

Many babies born blind,

Now safe,

Many doves killed during a Holy War,

The many times abused woman,

Slipping into a coma,

Finally a break,

In a place where she will never be beaten,

The cord her husband pulled,

A wonderful release to her,

And the fucker finally went to prison,

Justice will be served,

Not always by the judicial system,

The musician born deaf,

The artist born blind,

The poets born without a voice,

Who knew irony was so cruel,

Justice will be survived,

And that’s a promise,

A lesbian woman born to conservative parents,

Breaking their rules,

That child of yours you beat,

She will haunt you the rest of your life,

A solemn swear,

Justice will be served,

A drug dealer will lose his life,

Just like the many he’s killed,

A comedian whose father is a drunk,

Not so funny now are you,

A mother loses her three sons and her husband,

To infidelity,

One night can change everything,

This I swear,

Follow the rules you set for yourself,

Have high morals,

Never let others change you,

And I can promise you this,

Justice will be served to those deserving,

And those who will be spared will be given their chance,

The child,

The parent,

The lover,

The giver,

The taker,

Finally safe,

Thoughts given a new light,

Enlightenment near,

Justice is served

Tampered,

The label states,

Plain and clear

I beat it across my chest,

The words,

Victims are we all,

Play over and over across my eyelids,

I close them dully,

Letting the surge of anger fill my veins,

Crossing my fingers silently,

Never speaking but somehow screaming,

For this to end,

Much quicker than it came about,

I feel the anger leave with the last year,

The somehow eerie silence,

That involves us both,

I close my eyes and watch as you turn every fear,

Of mine into fuel,

Pleading never did any good,

Another rip,

A choked back tear,

The muffled breathing,

A final fallen drop,

A mutter,

A threat,

The silence I feel choking me

The bitter kiss I can still feel across my lips sickens me

Screaming,

Falling,

Honey wake please,

Wont you wake after two years,

You must wake,

Say those words just once,

Or get out,

Stop coming around when it’s convenient,

Flashes of red and white,

What you used to say,

Never came true,

But somehow it was so easily believed,

You so easily became my beloved,

Feelings never told,

Or sought,

An undeniable pause,

A lust,

For the knowledge of the unknown,

This childish game,

Of hide and seek,

Disappear without a sound,

Yet safely return without an explanation,

It’s been two long years,

This is starting to become silly,

Why do I still wait for you even though?

I know you are long gone

Finally a new feeling,

LOVE,

Something new,

A kiss,

A wanted kiss,

A wanted touch,

A needed feeling,

Happiness,

It’s undeniable,

The laugh of no sorrow,

How long have I longed for this,

Laying there in the darkness till the last candle,

Burns to its wick,

The hand inching towards me,

Unsure,

Testing the waters,

The easily administered kiss,

The kiss,

Simple,

Beautiful,

Needed,

Feelings surge,

Wanted finally,

Needed finally,

Loved finally

The purest and untainted in this world,

Is that why you needed me

Your eyes binding my hands behind my back,

Your hands knives to my flesh,

The slow stream of crimson every time you touched me,

A child had more to offer you,

The this whole world did apparently,

I choke on my tears,

And your muffled moans,

The whispered,

Just remember this never happened.

You slip away,

Leaving me to cry and hate myself more and more,

I drag my detached body from this abyss,

After that you watch my every move,

Silently but forcefully reminding me if I slip a word,

I wont have a throat to speak from,

You slip into my room once again after everyone’s asleep,

You touch the skin that you cut,

You kiss the lips that never said yes,

Leaving me to force myself into the same old numb state,

While secretly waiting for the day,

I could cut that throat of yours

I can’t stop this,

I can’t stop falling,

Save me,

Push me back into the light,

Stop letting this pain haunt me,

The steady crying,

The angels bleeding black,

Even the lords given up hope,

I feel the hands push me down,

Pull me down,

Promise me this will end,

The needles everywhere,

Entering without checking for a vein,

Exiting watching me bleed,

Watching me scream,

Falling once more,

Your voice,

No expression,

Watching me fail,

Watching my tears beg you to save me,

You watch with glee,

The never-ending chuckle,

The flux,

I can’t get out of,

Bring me to salvation

Don’t even say it,

I know,

You need to leave,

I sensed it,

I was far too late,

Let me just find the words,

Our final simple goodbye,

Wont you give me that,

So my heart can finally start to mend,

She needs it,

Just say those words please,

I need them,

The simple goodbye forever,

Say it so I can regain my sanity,

My life,

Times been at a stand still far too long,

Take me in for a final embrace,

Say it quickly in my ear,

And leave,

Just leave it at that,

Let me recoup,

Regain everything I lost,

My heart needs mending and so do all these scars,

Say goodbye,

And finally break this hold your spirit has on me

Becoming number by the day,

You touch my skin after a night full of screaming,

Nothing,

No reaction,

The interventions so simple,

A dinner of pills,

Drinking from a cup of tears,

The burn of the ambers of the cigarette across my fingers,

Finally a feeling,

Sometime new,

Laying down in the dark,

Flicking the lighter across my pale skin,

Watching it turn deep red,

A mad release,

Another pill popped in the corner,

Was that a Zanax or a Prozac,

Has it been 30 minutes yet,

Tightness in my chest,

Same old remedy,

A cigarette,

A lighter,

A few pills,

The internal and forever struggle,

Watch the light hairs on my arm go up in flames,

A soft giggle,

I’ve lost it,

A medicated submissive state,

No more screams,

No more tears,

No nothing except the slight self induced pain

Your logic is fucked,

You know that don’t you,

Your always throwing shit around,

Pouting and crying,

Making people feel bad for you,

Making me look like the bad guy,

With your snide remarks,

Don’t you think you make me cry,

Turning people against me,

Making me feel like a little child,

But you know what,

I’m tired of you throwing shit back in my face,

I’m tired of helping you,

You’re always rude now,

Because you think you’re always right,

But you know what,

I’ll be gone in 5 years,

Then what,

I won’t return,

I wont be here to hear you bitch,

I’ll have a life of my own,

Unlike you,

I’ll finish school and,

Make something of myself

Your body melting mine,

The closeness,

I push away,

Disgusted,

I wonder to myself,

Who are you,

What have you become,

I look down at my hands,

And touch my face,

Asking the same questions about myself,

Is this real,

I wonder aloud,

For the thousandth time,

Somehow I allowed it,

I’m the weaker being here,

That’s why,

Why I lay in bed,

Screaming,

Even now I touch my skin,

I feel dirty,

Used,

The images float around the room,

Waiting for a home coming,

Tonight is the night,

They scream in my head,

But yet I still try to say no

You think you’re big shit,

When you’re not,

Think you’re cool,

But you’re not,

Just a rich,

Self- conscience bitch,

Who needs to be put in her place,

I wasn’t kidding,

When I said watch your back bitch,

You know you could,

Just get your brother,

To be a punk ass bitch,

For you,

But I doubt,

He’d beat me up,

So watch out,

Cause honestly,

I could have gotten up,

And spit in your face,

Little bitch,

You know what,

I bet you never look in the mirror,

Because look how you’re dressed,

But honestly I couldn’t give a flying fuck

As goose bumps rise again,

I hear your name,

Its like it’s swallowing me whole,

I calm myself,

Its surely not you they are talking about,

Redding my false hope,

Wishing I was with you instead of this office,

Wishing the unthinkable,

The unbearable,

Wishing you would forgive me,

Wishing you would forget,

Our last goodbye,

In the back of my mind,

Wishing I could forget our first hello,

For this is necessary,

For me to go on,

Should I give in,

Say you weren’t the one,

Even though how untrue it is,

Hoping to forget,

Every memory of you,

Every moment I thought you were the one,

Every moment I thought we would be together forever,

But I cant,

I can’t forget,

How close I was to finding it,

Finding the true love to take me away from here

Give me a song,

Give me a band,

I’ll make you rich,

Make millions,

I don’t need to be smart, right

Make lots of hits,

I’ll even sell me soul,

Sell anything I need to just to make it,

I’ll dye my hair blonde,

I’ll do anything,

I’ll do drugs,

I’ll be an influence to all the little girls,

To go for money instead of love,

I’ll turn them all into little Brittanys,

Whatever,

Make me a star,

Make me some songs,

Cause I have no talent,

Whatever it takes,

I’ll do it,

Give me a way to make you money,

Make you lots,

Put me on billboards,

You know what,

I’ll even lip sink,

Whatever it takes

Why am I so violent,

Why am I so much like my father,

But at the same time like my mother,

Why am I so sad all the time,

Why am I so fucked up all the time,

Why am I so depressed over one’s deaths,

Why is my life such a sob story,

Why does everybody seem so happy,

Yet I am so oppressed,

Why am I such an outsider,

Why did I have to see my best friend die,

Why do I feel like I am in a freak show,

Why do I have to take meds,

That everyone seems to love,

Why do I have to take my meds,

Why did you make me like you made me,

Why did you kill my best friend,

Why did you let my best friend die,

Why did you kill my parents on the inside,

Because of me,

Why was I born into a life of drugs,

Why did you make me that is,

If you are even real

Why does it seem like,

Like I’m the only normal one in this house,

When I’m not normal,

But at school,

I’m a freak,

That is not normal,

The one with the bad attitude,

But at home,

I’m just a little girl,

Whose mother thinks she can control me,

Look at me,

I have my faults,

But also look at how well I’m doing,

In school,

In life,

I’m not a fuck up,

Like your 2 sons,

Who live at home,

Who you make excuses for,

Because they’re mentally ill,

Just like you,

But you just look away,

When I do good,

Cause Dee did it first,

Cause she is better,

And I’m just a fuck up,

That does nothing

What would you say if I saw you again,

Would you want me with you,

Or would it bring bad memories up,

Do you remember when,

No you don’t,

Of course not,

That was too happy,

You must have forgotten,

You must not have remembered that,

That night,

My god,

When I found out,

I was so close,

To it,

To going with you,

You were the one keeping me sane,

I loved you,

More than I could explain,

It was unconditional love,

It was always there,

When you needed someone to cry with you,

When you were mad,

I was there to calm you down

When you needed help,

I was there to talk you through it,

I was always there for you,

You just didn’t see me,

I wish you would have,

I was always there

These names,

I once held,

Forever take,

A part of me,

As to make me,

Unbalanced,

But hush,

Don’t say,

Those terrible words,

That makes the doctor,

See into fate,

As to see in the future,

Dieing on the couch,

From the pain,

As though to see,

My distance rears its head,

Your place is forever reserved,

On a card,

That says,

To my one,

And only,

I bid thee,

Goodbye,

And slowly then I start to cry

This is not how things were supposed to be,

This is not the way my life was supposed to turn out,

What the fuck happened,

People say no pain,

No gain,

But what about the real pain,

The pain you feel inside,

As I feel like,

I slowly start to die,

I become withered,

And decayed,

And my body is frayed,

Or is it my mind,

You know I don’t usually rhyme,

Because I never have the time,

But never mind,

The time,

Or the day,

But this is why my life sucks,

And I wish I would die,

Then I wish I would live,

Then I wish you would die,

Then I wish you would live,

But why waste time on wishes,

When they never come true,

I hate this place,

I hate this world,

I hate my life,

And I want to never end this line of failure

Al,

There are so many words,

I could say,

But my words are less,

When I find out the person that gave you all those drugs,

I will make their life a living hell,

Jason if this was you,

My angry side would want to kill you,

But instead I would make your life a living hell,

I would just fuck with you,

You mother fucker,

Al,

You were the high,

I couldn’t contain,

You made me insane

My body aches from the abuse,

But still I stay,

Waiting for the day,

That I get to go away,

And maybe then you will see,

That there is so much more to me,

Than a girl that’s hates you for what you are,

And what I see,

The girl who has been gone forever,

You just never knew,

The one that doesn’t want to wake up anymore,

As if wishing the day will end,

And I will sleep forever,

And dream my life is over,

I’ve started a new,

As though,

As though,

My body is gone,

And now I forever torment you,

And it seems as though,

My dreams are reality till I’m shaken awake,

By you,

Just to be awoken to more pain,

As if,

As if I’m nothing

The one to truly free me,

Is now the one who bound me tighter,

To always be tied to this place,

Like a dog on a chain,

Never to be released,

To always stay where I never wanted to,

This place has withered,

Just like me,

Or maybe it has cause me to,

This is not what I call home,

For the rest of my life,

It’s killing me slowly,

And the one to release me,

Is now gone forever,

Never to speak again,

To leave me in this solitude,

Never to be whole or solid,

To float aimlessly forever,

As a ghost form,

But only a few signs tell me other wise,

I’m still here,

Forced to go on,

By this plague,

This plague,

They supposedly call life

I don't belong,

I finally figured that out,

With the deadly looks from your mother,

As if it was me that did this to you,

Your sister,

The only one to,

Understand I was the first to love you,

The sweeping trail of crosses,

At the cemetery walls,

The dead rise making a trail,

At his body comes near in a hearse,

With every tear,

A new song comes to mind,

A forgotten song,

That only he could sing,

It blares from his newly dug grave,

Hearing the melody,

Another tear falls solemnly,

From my eyes,

On your casket,

As its being lower,

Now the only one there,

Kneeling down beside your headstone,

And whisper only the dead do rise,

Once we are together again,

We will crash down,

Those cemetery gates,

Together again,

But for how long,

The rain pelts the grave,

It only fits my mood,

The ground wet,

And once more I whisper,

Only the dead rise,

And one day it will be your turn,

I will be right here waiting for you,

Walking away slowly,

Holding the dead roses,

I toss them aside and continue to wish,

I could drown in these tears,

Have them wash away all my pain,

And make it be me,

Lying there still forever,

And not the man I once loved,

Walking to my car,

Wishing your sprit would just leave me alone

Slowly minutes become hours,

And hours become days,

Days become months,

And months become years,

Will it happen,

Will it happen,

Or will I stay the same,

Will I become your friend again,

Or do I just bring you shame

Will I see you again,

I ask myself,

But all that my head does is reply I bring you shame,

Will I see to live another day

Sometimes I don’t understand,

This feeling coming over me,

Like I am drowning

Your body rubbing past me almost makes cry,

This feeling of tenderness between you and I,

Sometimes I don’t understand why you love me,

But every time I ask you,

I’m silenced by your kisses,

Or it slips my mind,

At night I cry,

And ask myself why,

Why would he love me,

Why would he want me to rest in his arms forever,

His arms around my hips,

Drumming his fingers on my curves,

While whispering I will always love you,

You are my soul,

The most beautiful thing to me,

Lost in those blue,

Blue eyes,

I only manage a soft whispered I love you too,

As soon as my head hits the pillow,

I’m back to my questions,

Of why,

He has no reason to love fat,

Ugly,

Terrible,

Unclean me,

I pull my hair,

Still not knowing,

But still yearning for your arms around me

As she swerved off the road,

She thought to herself,

Is this the path,

I want to take,

Or is it just another wrong turn,

In my life,

Shall I only be remembered,

For what I was,

But not what I am,

It seems like I’m suppose to,

Live up to all these expectations,

But that will never happen,

For as long as I live,

I want to be remembered for what I am,

Not what I was

She wakes up,

Today she goes to one of her best friend’s graves,

Starts to cry once more,

She now has to add one more,

To the list of my friend’s suicides,

Goes into my best friend’s room,

Finds a note from her,

Says hope to see you in hell,

By the way I’ll miss you,

Brakes down again,

Wondering if she wants to live or die

Saw your face,

For the first time in a while,

All glinting and smiling,

Waiting for it to come,

My punishment for not telling you,

Disappearing,

Saw something I never want to see again,

Something I had forgotten,

Something I thought,

You’d never use against me again,

This is not how it’s supposed to happen,

You know,

Looking at the object which has caused me so much pain,

Over the years,

Though you haven’t used it in a while,

I’ve been gone,

Looking at it keeping focused on it,

I thought you’d never use it again,

After the last time,

I look up and see your smiling even more evilly,

That’s before you angered me,

You whisper in my ear,

You weren’t supposed to go,

Taking all my secrets with,

I stare at the floor waiting,

I look up,

You’re gone,

But before I can fully ponder,

I feel the back of my neck hit the chair,

Now fully knowing,

You tell me never again,

Hands tied behind the chair,

Watching you walk in front of me,

Staring at the object,

Till you push my head back,

Hands bound,

And my throat gasping for my short lived breaths,

As you move above me,

I stop breathing,

Watching that object,

I fear the most,

Throat uncomfortable open now,

Starring into that face that once comforted me,

Showing no sign of who you use to be,

Feel you over me,

Hands tighter,

I feel it slip in,

Slowly crying now,

Seeing you above,

You pushing my head down,

Forcing it in me,

My thighs wet with tears, you showing no remorse,

My throat wide open,

No sounds but you’re steady moaning,

And my tears hitting the concrete,

Looking up again,

Looking for the man I once knew,

But he is gone,

Replaced with someone I don’t know,

Knowing I can’t do anything,

Unless I want it worse,

My tears now sliding off your body,

I feel it,

Release,

Now knowing it will all be over soon,

Your moaning intensifies,

And my crying is now so bad,

That I’m shaking now,

Its over,

My body heaving,

I wait,

You untie my hands,

Come back around,

I spit everything into your face,

My feet in a puddle of tears,

Wishing I could drown in them

Is this what you want,

For me to break down,

Find out that,

This needs to stop,

Find out you hurt me more than you love me,

As though,

I’m never enough,

As though,

I’m a child,

With no path,

A messed up kid with no direction,

Just follow the leader,

And maybe I’ll find myself,

It’s unlikely though,

Maybe this time,

I’ll find something more,

More of me,

Or is it just more of me to lose,

Maybe it was meant to be this way,

As though,

I was to be a pitiful girl,

With no soul,

To find a way to retaliate,

As though,

I’m a person I never knew

One day I’m already back in your arms,

One day’s rest and,

Already back at it again,

It’s break free or,

Die trying,

Hell knows what you will bring home,

More wire maybe,

To keep this quiet,

Don’t want this to get out,

Might ruin your reputation,

Only your friends can know,

Let this be our secret,

Let this be a bet,

Let this be the true love I never find,

Let there be hope this wire will break,

I’ll be free from you,

No more will I stand alone at dusk,

Hoping to see one more day,

Set upon the beach of my dreams,

With the man of my dreams,

Which is not you

Look what I’ve become,

It’s just like what you said,

I came home with a baby,

And all you said was,

I told you so,

As your friends laugh their asses off,

16,

No job,

No money,

Living at home,

With a baby,

Didn’t graduate,

Just like you said,

3 years ago,

Do you remember,

When I was your little peanut,

Then I grew up,

Found out what you did,

Grew up to hate you,

And just like you said,

So many years ago,

She won’t even know,

Who the daddy is,





But yet again this was just another sick dream,

That didn’t happen,

This isn’t weird

My light is always on,

As a way to call you to me,

As though,

A wish,

I want granted,

The most,

I miss you dearly,

Even as I start to weep,

And pound my head into the wall,

It seems unfair,

For you to love,

When I am,

Nothing but a false hope,

You say,

I wish I could,

Forever go away,

And leave behind,

This shit-hole city,

Where we know of nothing,

But fate,

Maybe to be fair,

I should stop seeing you,

For it only hurts me worse

My father hates me,

And I fucking know it,

He just doesn’t know how to express it,

Him and his drug problems,

He just gives them out,

He fucked up my past,

Present and future,

I might have bad coping skills,

But that doesn’t mean,

I don’t have the right to miss Al,

My father doesn’t seen to care,

About social services taking me away,

My life is so fucked up,

I don’t even want to think about it,

My family is so fucked in the mind,

They bring it out on me

What were you saying,

I never really cared,

I never really wanted to listen,

You just sucked me into your life,

Your problems,

I was just mesmerized by you,

The way your mouth moved,

The way you smiled,

The way you talked,

The way you swore,

That even attracted me some more,

The way you lied,

To get your way,

The way I loved you,

The way you looked at me,

The way you made me feel,

The way you touched my face,

The way we talked,

The way you would listen to me,

The way I thought you loved me,

The way I loved you,

The way I wanted us to be together forever,

The way I thought you were mine,

All these things helped to mesmerize me

My body shaken,

From our last meeting,

Glass over the floor,

Miscellaneous things you threw,

Yet I know when you wake,

With your hand still clinging a beer bottle,

You wont remember,

Last night,

So in reply to last night,

You will just put those puppy dog eyes on,

And say,

I love you,

And I’m sorry,

I only did it because I love you,

I think to myself,

What a fucked up love this must be,

Surely not everyone has these troubles,

The same thought comes to mind,

Even though I have tried to repress them,

With coffee, pills, and cigarettes,

The same thought always around the corner,

Lurking in my mind,

I could end this,

Though I know I can’t,

I’m not strong enough,

Like you always tell me,

You wake up and start in on the same routine,

As the embers on my cigarette flicker in the ash tray

My clock lies,

I know it does,

I couldn’t have been awake this long,

I couldn’t have been asleep that long,

It lies to me when I try and sleep,

It lies when it says time to get up,

It lies,

It lies,

Just to make me feel mad,

Just to make me feel sad,

Just to make me feel bad,

It seems like I’ve run out of rhymes,

Maybe I just need some more time,

Or maybe,

Just maybe I need some in separation,

It lies,

It lies when it tells me the time

Man,

Al we all miss you so much,

And you don’t know how fucked up our situation is,

But you said,

“Jackie, if things ever go bad you can count on me.”

And then,

“Jackie, I love you like a little sis.”

I loved you to Al,

You were like a big bro to me,

We all loved you,

I miss you so much,

I think you thought that there wasn’t enough of you,

But there was to much for all of us

Mama don’t lie,

I see the tears in your eyes,

Mama cries all the time,

I see the sadness in your eyes,

Don’t cry,

Goosebumps all over your arms,

I hate seeing you this way,

Show me everything you see,

You don’t want me to be just like you,

You don’t want me to mess up just like you did,

Mama don’t lie,

I see the tears in your eyes,

Don’t cry

Lost in a dream world,

Only you can make me break this cycle,

Forget that starring is bad manors,

Go ahead kids look at this lost child,

The one with the sheet of glass always covering her,

She doesn’t mind she’s an animal,

Waiting to be taken out of her misery,

My body concealed with the darkness,

Your mind,

With its conceded thoughts,

The blood I see grow on your hands everyday,

The suicides,

The murders,

The homicides,

The genocide of everyone,

You’ve caused,

You get the blood,

I get the souls,

They keep me company,

Grabbing my hand for support,

Sucking my soul,

Soon my body will lie in its undug grave,

One more splatter of blood for you,

Though I hope it stays,

You can’t wash me off,

I’m in your body,

On your clothes,

And slowly sinking into you

Is my imagination my downfall,

The painful twists of my mind and what could have been,

I reply the scene over and over,

Trying to find something in this mist of lies,

You have bestowed upon me,

Is that something or is this just me,

This is me letting you suck away my happiness,

Like a leech,

That so easily can suck blood from a dying person,

Making me feel bad for moving on,

When it was you in the beginning that pushed me away,

Who told me I was never right,

But you’re wrong,

I have proved myself right,

I have pushed you back,

After you kicked me when I was down,

I have thrown many rants,

After your violent acts,

The seeming endless battle,

Between you and I,

Where I may never be victorious,

But one day,

I’ll leave you,

And the only person left for you to battle,

Is you and your demons

Jason,

I comforted,

I gave hugs,

And if you killed Al,

You will be more fucked up,

In the brain,

Than me or Al.

If you did this,

I might just take all your dignity away,

And tell your family,

And everyone else,

That I hate you,

You,

You asshole

As your conscience floats above me,

I look down to see your body,

Innocent,

Wondering now if I have a chance,

To whisper the thing I most dread in your ear,

Though you’re sleeping soundly,

I fear I might wake you,

But I must know if it’s over,

Make me see the hate,

The contempt once more,

If you must,

I understand,

I guess you had a right to say,

Those hurtful things,

As of those means,

To stab me in the heart,

Pains me to think how things were supposed to be,

Also to think about how things happened,

Where did I go wrong,

When did I lose control,

You had a right to push me,

Push me back,

Push me away,

Though I was nothing,

At least nothing you wanted anymore

I wait gracefully,

Smiling,

Putting on this little show,

Wait for this to end,

I know what’s coming,

A “playful” hit,

And more yelling about how I’m not good enough,

For you,

For anyone,

I don’t deserve anyone,

I’m nothing but shit,

Yet I ponder,

Why do you say I love you,

When I do what you want,

But when I retaliate,

You call me shit,

Push me away,

I stay here being a martyr,

Let me die on this floor,

That somewhat resembles a cross,

With the ashes from a unsmoked cigarette,

The match left burning,

The empty pill bottles and beer cans,

The knife still cuts just as deep,

A voice whispers,

Another,

Just one more time wont hurt,

I feel the blood drain from an old wound,

See I have cut myself on a bottle of your gin,

I laugh,

It’s all over now

I hold back the last wave of nausea,

Before speaking again,

Around this crowd,

I show no fear,

But deep dark down,

I feel the claw growing near,

The rip,

Rip,

Rip of the stomach,

The pain deep below,

Always hiding,

Always faking,

Just not too many know,

I speak to you,

As a dear friend,

Telling you stories of pain and sorrow,

And as far as you know none of them are my own,

With your perfect gasps,

And your surprised groans,

Tell me again of the lost girl,

Who could not feel love,

I smile obligingly,

And tell you the tale of two lovers,

One who always seemed to fail,

And now my dear friend,

I must be going home,

I walk away ashamed,

Still not able to tell,

The truth,

The truth of all those stories still quite unknown,

I lay in the bed I have hated for awhile,

Still lonely and cold,

Since he left with that depleting smile,

I think of every day’s failures,

That crowd waiting to hear stories,

Just like my dear old friend,

None of those smiles,

Pills popped in dark corners,

And cheering,

Could bring me the will to stand up,

And not think of him,

I hear a tap from my old window,

Wishing it to be the pebble,

He always threw to my window,

Our little single,

I pull back the sheets,

And as soon as it came,

My smiles fades,

It is not him,

For it was just the wind,

I lay awake,

Hearing all those pebbles rapping at my window,

But nevermore the boy and his smile,

Before I let him in

I only suck,

To shut you down,

I always thought it was you,

Who was vulnerable,

But it turns out to be me,

What I started,

I can’t finish,

When this happens,

I’m not me,

What happens,

I don’t know,

But you do,

I don’t know cause I go into a trance,

But you know because you’re the one to take advantage of it,

I’m only here for one purpose,

And only you and I know it,

My one mission,

Make you happy,

For I can never leave,

My one chance to leave and be happy,

I ruined it,

Someone who could have been the one,

Now hates me,

So I’m back to my trance,

Never to pull out,

Its like I’m caught in the undertow,

And you just keep pushing me further down

I take the blame now,

What of this,

I take the blame now,

No gain here for me,

The sooner I leave the better,

Everything seems to make me sick now,

I didn’t do anything,

This isn’t my fault,

I take the blame,

So no one will yell,

I take the blame now,

Cause you automatically assume,

Blaming me for this and that,

Everything that goes wrong in this house,

I take the blame,

So you will be quite for once,

Instead of being loud,

And stomping off,

I really don’t appreciate,

This constant yelling and screaming about,

The same old stupid shit,

So I take the blame now

I go threw the day depressed and oppressed,

Without you my day is cold,

Sour and pitiful,

I need you with me,

And not gone,

You are my dreams,

And in my dreams,

Can’t sleep,

Can’t wake,

Don’t want to go to bed,

Don’t want to wake,

Can’t sleep,

Can’t wake,

Cant live without you,

Can’t speak without you,

Can’t think without you,

Can’t stop thinking about you,

Can’t stop loving you,

Can’t stop hating you for this

I fell on for daze,

It’s what keeps me going,

Doing better,

Now doing worse,

Seems like its going wrong again,

How did this happen,

How did I turn out like this,

Will I ever wake,

See it in my face,

See it in my eyes,

I can’t disguise what I’ve become,

What I will become,

Am I gone,

Without knowing it,

Is this my hell,

Did I die that day,

That seems to never go away,

Did I die that day,

When I saw your face,

And what you became,

That image never goes away

Al was my high,

There wasn’t anything I could keep from him,

He was my big brother,

My worst fear happened,

Except I didn’t know it,

When Josh walked in the room,

I knew it was you,

Dude you were my best friend,

I loved you,

Now I don’t know if you loved me,

Or if I even love myself,

“Your in denial” my father said,

I don’t know if it is me or him

I wake,

But am I even,

Really awake,

Fuck it slit my wrists,

Fuck it pop to many pills,

Fuck it just die already,

Light shit on fire,

Just to see it burn,

Light it on fire,

Just to try and fill the void,

In my mind,

Claim insanity,

For the last time,

Claim I’m a juvenile,

For I am,

Claim I paid my debt to society,

For I really fucking did,

I’m off,

So try fucking pulling me in again,

Just try,

I’ll be gone so fast you’ll,

Never find me a fucking again,

Not even my family will know where I am,

So don’t try to find me,

Fuck heads

Falling threw the abyss,

Threw the labyrinthine of my mind,

Feeling nothing,

As the end is in sight,

In these dreams which I falling,

No end in sight,

Never ending,

Feeling unknown as always,

No one would miss you,

A voice whispers softly,

And starts laughing nonchalantly,

The known before me,

Sorting through the realistic life I never knew,

Losing sight of what the real world is,

Being beaten into my cross again,

Just another martyr for your sins,

As always nothing more,

The emptiness clouds the wholeness,

Of everything you could ever imagine,

The people still flying past,

Yet no one reaches out to hold on to me,

The worn out abyss,

I do get very tiresome of falling in to this unknown place,

That only I know,

Because I mad all this up just like you always said,

And now I know your perfect,

While I am inferior

Having trouble believing you,

Looks like you aren’t even,

Believing your own lies anymore,

Is that so,

I never knew,

Does my opinions or ideas,

Even matter,

This is stupid,

Can’t even remember the last time,

We talked about me,

Its always you,

It gets tiring,

And honestly,

I think you need someone else,

To listen to you whine,

Cause its fucking boring,

And I can’t stand it,

Maybe I’ll leave this city,

Not look back,

Leave without you,

And have the best time of my life,

Unlikely I think,

Because people like you,

Are all over the place,

Like little cockroaches

Do you think of me,

As though I was nothing,

As if I was just there to be hurt,

As if I was just to be a martyr for your sins,

It seems as though I’m not your love,

As though there is someone else,

Waiting back in that car,

Waiting to be forgiven too,

Maybe she loves you too,

Or maybe she wants protection from herself,

Maybe you’re planning something,

Maybe we should talk,

Maybe we should go our separate ways,

To show you I can still love,

Even without you,

Even if my head is pounding from being slammed,

Into the wall so many times,

Maybe it’s best you find someone who will love you,

And is your age,

Maybe she will love you more,

And wont run away,

I doubt it tough,

It seems you want to run to,

Maybe I should go before I’m seen

Did you really mean it,

I bet you would,

Never do it,

Cause you’re not that depressed,

You got so much money,

Why don’t you take another Prozac,

Maybe you will be happy for a few hours,

Fame has gone to your head,

Maybe you should pop a few more pills,

Kill yourself,

Like you have been wanting,

Whatever,

You would never,

Not enough balls,

Just another pussy,

You would never hurt yourself,

Would you,

What has been so hard,

About your life,

Get in line,

Just another depressed rich kid,

Starved for attention,

You never got,

You aren’t getting any from me,

So just keep talking,

You don’t know shit about life

Crying inside,

Dieing inside,

Still screaming inside,

Don’t let him go,

Don’t let these tears choke me,

Don’t let this slip,

Say goodbye,

Say goodbye quickly,

Say it slowly,

As if I don’t care,

Choke on my words,

Choke on this fear,

Hide the pain,

Hide the tears,

Say its me not you,

A thousand times over,

Screaming your name,

Screaming I still love you,

Screaming silently in my head,

Tired of all them,

Telling me what must be said,

Screaming stay with him,

Your face crumbling,

Chocking on your tears

Al,

It pains me to talk about you,

And seeing,

It’s almost been a year,

Why would I bring you up,

Maybe,

Just to hurt myself,

To miss you some more,

As always,

But how it’s been a year,

Yet no one remembers,

Except little Jackie,

Little me,

Maybe I use you as an excuse,

For my short comings,

But I don’t think so,

I wish we could talk,

For I miss you so,

This seems like,

A little farewell note,

To my memory of you,

But that is not true,

I miss you still,

You cross my mind everyday,

I sometimes think of that bottle kept away,

And think that by the end of tonight,

I could be with you

Baby,

I want you to know what a bastard is,

Because you are one,

You see your father,

The one you never knew,

Left after that day,

I found out I was expecting you,

My little baby and me,

No one else,

Hun,

He left without a trace,

So on your birth certificate,

Where I signed,

And next to where the father is supposed to sign,

But seeing he wasn’t there,

The state in its place,

Stamped BASTARD,

Where your real father should have signed,

You see baby,

I wanted you to know,

But no matter what,

You’re more like me than him,

And you’re my pride and joy,

No matter what a stupid birth certificate says

As I sit in my room,

Waiting for something,

Though I never know exactly what it is,

Maybe for you to reappear,

Though it seems unlikely,

I know,

That last time met,

Your face was showing me anger,

Or was that just all-just regret,

May I learn from your mistakes,

And not grow up to be like that,

Hopefully I will settle down before I,

Before I,

Before I,

Learn to be like that

I wasn’t the answer to Al’s death,

Yet at the same time I don’t,

You were so cool,

Everyone loved you,

Maybe except Jason,

You did steal Laura from him,

And had a daughter with her,

You left in body on a happy note,

But I went insane,

Why do you think I’m in Rogers,

Getting pills that could have killed you,

What were you thinking,

Hun,

I loved you so much,

But all the people,

You love always seem to leave you

As I look around,

My life changes,

I’ve become something,

I never thought possible,

I look in the mirror,

I see someone happy,

But is really forever sad,

As I search around,

For something missing,

Is it a part of me,

I slowly ponder,

Or is it part of you,

The missing pieces,

I can’t replace,

Tare us apart,

And my life is forever changed,

For I see you when I sleep,

But never when I wake,

This is why I wish my dreams were forever,

As to never wake,

As though I see your smiling face,

The site makes me shake,

As though never to wake,

To sit here and quake,

And wait for my dreams to take place

Look what I’ve become,

It’s just like what you said,

I came home with a baby,

And all you said was I told you so,

As you and your friends,

Laugh your asses off,

16,

No job,

No money,

Living at home,

With a baby,

Didn’t graduate,

Just like you said,

3 years ago,

Do you remember,

When I was your little peanut,

Then I grew up,

Found out what you did,

Grew up to hate you,

And just like you said,

So many years ago,

She won’t even know,

Who the daddy is,

But yet again this was just another sick dream,

That isn’t weird

I’m ready when you are,

Lets start another war,

But we need a cause,

Like what,

I got it,

If we don’t start an attack,

We’ll have to worry about another country,

Becoming the World Police,

But remember no one knows,

We run all the governments,

The public doesn’t know this isn’t a democracy anymore,

Ok how about another country is trying to destroy the world,

Perfect,

Are we going to draft,

We just might have to,

Lets recruit the scum on welfare,

If they die,

We wont have to pay them,

Meaning boosts in the economy,

Perfect,

I like the way you think,

Now which country,

Iraq!

Am I truly loved,

Is this something that will blow over,

Or is it real,

Am I being trapped like Alice in the rabbit hole again,

Maybe it was wrong to come here,

It seems so wrong that your gone without an explanation,

Was it that girl,

Was it me,

Was it you,

Maybe I need some help too,

I seemed to think this was right but now its wrong

A boy screams,

And no it's not a sick dream,

Well maybe it is,

A boy screams,

And no this is not fake,

A boy screams,

As only he can decide his fate,

Mother Mary,

Won't you hold his bleeding wrists,

Mother Mary,

Don't let this one slip,

Mother Mary,

Keep that blade away,

Mother Mary,

Keep him strong,

Mother Mary,

Give him the will to carry on,

Bitting my nails,

Can't you see Mother Mary,

Let him live,

Mother Mary,

Let him wake,

My lovely sinner,

Wipe his brow,

Let his screams continue,

Without a frown,

Mother Mary,

Scream his name,

Mother Mary,

Can't you see my fucking tears,

Mother Mary,

Help him find his forte,

Mother Mary,

Please don't let this one slip