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the death was a shock

right now its a mental block

when it happend it really hurt me

i just wish everyone would leave me be

all i want is to be free from the pain

i wish i could just break the chain

im so lonely and sad

after dusty's death it seemed like to me that i lost everything i had

when it happend my world just fell apart

i knew this cuz i could feel it in my heart

i started to go crazy

i was nothing but lazy

i dont want to get out of bed

i always lay there just wishing that i was dead

i cant tell you how much more i will be able to take

to me, my whole life now has been nothing but fake.

This is for my 20 year old cousin who died January 2, 2005. i miss you bro, you were then and will always be my hero.



why did you have to go and leave me here alone. you were like a bro but now you are gone. i dont know what to do without you. everything is so different now and i feel so blue. all i think about is how much i miss you. the days are long and sad. because i feel so bad. its been a long time since ive seen your smile and i guess im gonna have to wait a while. i will miss most of all your laugh. when you left it broke my heart in half. i shall never say goodbye. cause it means forever. i just dont understand why you had to leave like you did. for goodness sake you were still only a kid. i know now that you are not here. so ill always hold the memories of you very near.

I call you my baby boy. because all you have done is brought me tons of joy. i am so lucky to have you in my life. i want to so badly be your future wife.i just hope you dont break my heart one day. thats why i sit and pray. for us to be forever.



july 2, 2005 a day ill never forget. thank you baby for making my life complete

One day i sat and thought about our love. while looking at the beautiful sky above. i changed a lot after meeting you. you helped me see things through. im glad to have you in my life. i hope i will one day become your wife. i know i say that over and over again. but you know what? its true. im very lucky to have a great guy like you.

You broke my heart today. all i want is to go to my bed and lay. ive changed in so many ways and it only took a few days. do you not care how bad i hurt. no you would just leave me in the dirt. you would leave me to rot and suffer. before making me your lifetime lover. i know now that you just dont care. your not at all being fair. why do you act in your childish ways? you always ruin all my days. you drive me insane with the way you act. and that sir is a proven fact. i just want you to sit and think about what you have done to me. how you hurt me so badly. its stupid what you put me through. i hate you and i no longer call you my baby boo.

They tell me to dream and believe and that ill achieve. but the only problem is ive dreamed and believed all my life. but never was able to achieve. so i just gave up on everything. then i met a great guy and he turned my world around for the better. the only problem is im not allowed to talk to him. but i know we'll be together. and when we are we cant be torn apart.

You hurt me so badly dont you see. you just dont realize how much you mean to me. you constantly say i dont love you. that makes me feel real blue. i hate it when your mad at me. i really wanna be your bride to be. but if you keep acting this way. im afraid ill have to say.......goodbye

When im lonely your by my side.

when theres a tear you wipe my eye.

you let me know that when things get bad, that everythings gonna be ok.

hearing that makes me wanna live another day.

i know things have been kind of ruff.

but we have to remain tuff.

and if we do we will go far.

im a very lucky gal to have a great guy like you.

i hope you feel the same way about me to.

when we are together i want you to holdm e tightly and kiss me lightly.

dont worry i will never say goodbye love.

you are the one i know.

cause believe it or not, god told me so.

If i loose him tonight, ill put up a fight, to win his heart again. if i loose him tomarrow, ill weep in sorrow all the way to the end. if i loose him today, ill lay by the bay and think of all the love we had. if i loose him ill always remain so sad and feel so bad

i wake up every morning crying. because im afraid ill end up dying. im suicidal i know. i have the scars to show. i think 15 years is long enough for me on eath. ive wanted to kill myself ever since my birth. if i loose the one person whose ever noticed me ill be gone in a split second dont you see. this world is nothing but hell that we are living in. full of nothing but thiefs, robbers, and sin. please if there is a god out there. be a little fair and stop the pain. just break the chain of all the hurting on this earth. which you could have stopped at everyones birth

I was lost and i didnt think it was possible to be found.

all i wanted was to be burried 6 foot in the ground.

ive been nothing but lonely and sad.

i just cant understand why i always feel so bad.

i hate my life.

but i met a great guy who wants me as his wife.

he found me, helped me, and saved me.

he broke the chain of all my pain.

and for that im thankful

As tears roll down my eyes i take the blade across my arm. i take it slowly at first then get faster and faster. i began to stop crying and look at what i have done. how blood is quickly coming out of my arms. it takes my mind off of all my pain and i love it.then it stops bleeding and i realize what a bad thing that i have done. how in less than 10 seconds i have ruined my life and hurt so many people that care for me. i even realize how just by doing that hurts me more than helps me.so i clean up and stop crying and then i have to think of a way to hide the mistake that i've made.

They drive me crazy because they just dont see. how much my baby boy means to me. if i cant talk to him it'll be the end of my life. i'll never get the chance to be someones wife. i think i'll use a knife. no maybe a gun. all i got to say is they will regret what they've done. i wont be anyones lover or even a mother. i hate this world that we are living in. i pray to god that he will make a new one begin.

It was like i was on a drug. i walked in this room and there i layed. flowers were all around me. i was there but nobody could see. i was pale and it looked like i was sleeping. i noticed everyone was weeping. oh my god, i was dead. i stood there shocked and staring at my empty body and then i asked myself "how did it happen?" oh yea i took my life away. but it was wierd cause i didnt expect so many people to care so much over me leaving. i mean they didnt care when i was breathing, so why now? then the strangest thing happened. i woke up and realized it was all just a dream. but why would it have felt so real? and why would i have such a dream? maybe it was a warning, or maybe not. the world will never know now will they?

Why did you say the things that you said. all you wanted to do was get me into bed. i hate you and i hope you die. the only thing that came out of your mouth was a big fat lie. you hurt and abused me. but you never could see. just how much i loved you. even though there was a lot of s**t you put me through. i forgived you so many times.but what i didnt realize before was you aint even worth 2 dimes. i gave you everything you wanted but i guess that wasnt good enough for you. you put me down and made me feel so blue. well all i wanted to say right now is that i f**king hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!