The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

It's so sad that there are so many people out there that are truely good who have no one. Nobody wants them, knows them, thinks of them...it honestly makes me sad...I have sooo many good friends that are beautiful people on the inside, but everyone else thinks they are freaky. And I try so hard to help them out by bringing them around with me when ever I go somewhere that I know a lot of people higher up on the high school social status will be. But for some reason nobody sees them, all they see is me or a "hot" girl across the room. I just don't get it. I am one of THE BIGGEST nerds in the world. I love anime, ballroom dancing, being dumb at times, reading up on witchcraft, sitting by the window to watch the rain, and things like that. I'm not really into all of the "cool" stuff. I'm not skinny and blonde. I'm not preppy. And I'm not a very good person. So why is it that I manage to meet so many people? It's rediculous! I would think that people would be more interested in my friends! So to everyone who reads this, remember: Looks are nothing if the person is an ass!!!

You know, I think the nicest thing in the world would be going somewhere that i could scream. Somewhere I could scream and scream until blood dripped from my lips, my throat sore and torn, all I can taste is my own blood spilling from my raw mouth...I could get out all of the useless emotions. No one would run to me and ask if I was ok. No body really cares anyways, it's just human nature to check on someone. But I wonder what would happen if someone found me bleeding and screaming...how traumatizing! Ah well, they'd diserve it for finding me when I obviously wanted to scream alone...

What do you think being alone really is? It's Having no one that cares for you. No one to love you. Wishing someone would take you and hold you in ther arms like you see when you're sitting there pretending not to notice how happy all the other couples are. I think being alone is hoping that you de soon so hat you don't have to feel the agony of having nothing anymore. It may seem like teen stress, but it isn't. I know better. I just am not meant to have anyone, which is sad. I cry myself to sleep because people tell me how beautiful I am, how I should go for my goal of modeling punk clothing, how I should just let a guy get near my heart instead of saying they aren't the right one, how I should date hat popular idiot that is in love with me...but I can't. Why would I date someone who isn't anything like me? Someone who is so jock/prep that he has girls so many blondes in pink outfits falling on him that he wants the one girl in black. I need someone who is true to me...And that's why I'm truely alone. Nobody will loveme because I am different. Looks are all I have, and I don't like them anyways. Being truely alone is...Me...

Happy April 20! Hope you had fun. Did I? Ha! I don't smoke for those of you that are wondering. Anyways, today was the dumbest day ever at my highschool. Surely you've hear about the V-Tech shooting? I hope so. Well, some idiots are using the fear caused by the shootings to freak out the school. They sent bomb threats to the school and also letters saying they would shoot the students. Did it happen? No. But the dumbest thing was that so many parents blew it out of proportion and flipped on the school, so they hired extra security and got extra police. And half the school was missing because of the threats. I went to school because I know better. There is no way anyone here is that dumb. So I was pretty pissed off.

I used to be a cutter. No, really, not to get attention (believe me, that's the LAST thing I wanted....), but because I'd scream and screa, and hit myself and claw my arms and eyes and legs and try so hard to feel a pain outside of anything emotionally hurtful. I'd be so upset...and then one day, by chance, I saw that shiny pair of lovely sewing scissors set out all nice and neat by my bed. How could I resist? I snatched them up and set to work. I made cuts down my arms, my wrists, my legs, my face...I carved the words die, hate, and bleed into my arms. I wanted to die, too. But you know what's crazy? As I did this, I kept cutting deeper and deeper, but couldn't draw blood. I was very angry. And it hurt so bad. So I sat down and laughed. I laughed and laughed until my sides hurt and the walls by my bed were lined with thin red marks of blood that were just barely visible because I wouldn't bleed properly. And then, every night, my parents would yell at me for something. But I'd just smile at them, make little comments that seemed to baffle them...As soon as I could, I'd hurry to my room. I'd take up that little silver pain-bringer and slice away as I laughed. It felt so good to get rid of emotional stress. So good that I didn't even notice the real pain. All I could feel was pure joy. I didn't think about it when I was too weak to move anymore. I didn't notice how I tripped and had to drag myself to the bathroom to wipe at my wrists and legs and arms and dispose of the evidence. Every time I'd cut, I'd clean my new friend off. I stopped paying attention to anything but that pair of scissors. And then one day, stupidly, I let my bare arms show in school. And that's when all Hell broke loose...that's when my perfect method of living without true pain spiraled out of control...that's when I looked at myself for the first time and realized what I'd just done...

If you've noticed, I rant a lot. Not just the average rant-amount, but I over-rant at times. Well, anyways, I am on edge making sure that my parents don't see my neck right now. Why? Because I have three giant purple hickies on my neck. Not cool. So anyways, I've been having to wear these huge hoodies and stuff to keep them from being seen. I just don't need another "Know Your Boundries" lecture from Mr. and Mrs. No physical love. First of all, I'm not doing anything other than kissing. No sex, no oral sex, no touching of the genitals, just kissing. It's not like I'm off whoring on a street courner at all hours. And hiding this mark reminds me of something. But you can read that in my next journal.

Ok, I was just sitting here bored, thinking about things and reading peoples profiles (yeah, I actually do that) when I came across one by a person claiming to be a werewolf/lycan (whichever you'd prefer). Now, I know that most people don't believe in them. And anyways, this is VAMPIRE rave, not WEREWOLF rave. But really, so what? A lot of people would laugh and say "Pfft, ha! What a loser! Werewolfs aren't real!" But now, think about this: How many people get on this site and claim to be vampires? Do you believe them? Most people would. What makes them anymore real than a werewolf? So why are we questioning it? If we can seriously just sit here and look at a profile made by a "vampire" and think it's perfectly fine, why do we laugh at anything else? Think about that now. Tell me, do you have a reasonable answer for why we shouldn't believe in other darker races or breeds? Come up with an answer and I'm quite sure I can counter it with another reasonable theory.

You know, my friend asked me what I was doing. So I told him I was on Vampirerave.com. He looked at it and said that the name was as dumb as the site. I thought about it. If it's so dumb, why do I like it? Easy. You really don't have to do a thing to be "accepted". I wouldn't care who liked me or not, I just like that you don't have to be anything to be on this site and have friends. Like, I look at some of the people and profiles and I think "...Wow. Ooook..." and how they would definately not be accepted at my school. And it makes me smile that people here aren't jerks who base all on looks or something dumb like that. Which does make me think about how I have no picture of myself up. Why? Because I can't put one up from my computer. No, it's not that I am hideous, otherwise I'd definately find a way to get a pic just so you all could have a laugh, it's just that my computer is dumb. But yes, that's all I had to say/

Ah...now this may sound silly, but what ever, I don't are. I'm going to just say that nothing in the world is better than going out at around midnight to have a little dip in the river. The moonlight shining down, the chilly, dark water, the sweet air, the silence, and the satin of night wrapping around your bare shoulders as you stand there preparing to dive in headfirst and swim under. It's great. Really, if you haven't already, you should try it. But please don't think pervertedly about this, because any guy I tell this to says he's now imagining me standing there half in the water and is enjoying the thought. Sigh. Boys/men...