The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

i dont get why but i cry then my pain turns to anger and hatred and the more i think about him leaving me the more i want to slit his fucking throut. I dont get how all my love for him goes from love to hatred to murder i dont get whats wrong with me. i hate the fact that everytime i get hurt i just wanna drink and hurt myself. what the fuck, i thought i was over the whole killing myself phase. i think it may be cause im always at home and before we broke up i was always over there in his arms and now i cant even have him. i still wear the ring he gave me on my wedding finger bc i have a feeling part of me will always love him. hopefully eventually i can cast that part out of me and i can live normally again, instead of living in hatred and murder. oh but what i would give to just stay the night with him and have sex with him one last time before we go our seperate ways. who knows maybe this time we will get back together again maybe we just need a little time apart. something in my heart and soul tell me that hes gone for good but a little part of me keeps giving me hope that this is just a phase and not permanent. no one ever got why or how much i love him, because we fight all the time, but they dont see how happy i am with him. these past 2 years have been the happiest years of my life and no one gets that. they all think he was lieing to me, who knows maybe their right and im just blinded by my love for him. who knows who cares maybe i am a fool for sticking by him all this time. i just dont know anymore.

right now i just feel like i should die or be dead. i took a bath in fake blood because i was goin suicidal and it snapped me out of it well sorta. it took all my strength to tell myself no i have something to live for. i mean come on i had the knife in there with me and everything. I actually surprised myself that i didnt do, that just shows my strength has grown, i used to cut. I just wish so much i could actually take a blood bath in real blood. idk i just need serious help, but im afraid they'll lock me up if they actually know whats going on in my fucked up head. i know boys arent the best in the world and arent worth goin insane over but this one has some sort of hold on me. everytime we break up or even fight i have a nervous break down and do stupid stuff. well recently since we've been fighting i started having a drinking problem, every night i just want to go out or sit at a friends house and drink just to drink all my problems away. Ciggarettes dont really help anymore. i dont even know myself anymore. im soo lost

ok so today like everyday i went on my myspace and i have like 10 messages just from guys "browsing" and saying oh you fine as hell hit me back not hey i thought you were cute we should talk blah blah. why the fuck are guys so shallow thes days good lord.

i dont get what i did one day were as normal as can be. we messed around and it seemed like we were so happy. only to find out today that hes getting sick "some of us", and find out that he doesnt " feel it anymore". i dont get what i did that overnite he just decides hes not sure if he wants to stay with me. i just dont get it. i dont know what ill do if he leaves me. i cry when we just argue and breakdown when we break up. quite frankly im afraid of what ill do if he breaks up with me. i hate this feeling. being suspended in mid air not knowing whats gonna happen to me. i hate it.