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I was just on my way to work when my damn car stalled on me, after that I couldn't get it to start. So I had to push it back into a parking lot by myself, in the process I ran over my foot causing me to twist my bad knee. This isn't turning out to be a good day so far. At least the people who own the parking lot aren't making me tow it, this way I can have my brother help me push it home around 5 p.m.

I've noticed posts in the forum on someone close passing away and some of my co-workers have had this happen recently. I am one of those people who their friends turn to for comfort and a shoulder to cry on, but I find that I am unable to comfort them when it comes to this. I don't know why, but since I was a child I have not been bothered by death. When I was about 9 to 11 (I can't remember exactly how old) I was in the room with my grandmother when she passed away. Almost all my family was there too. I remember them all crying when it happened, I also remember sitting there wondering why I wasn't upset or crying. I have had several loved ones pass away, and everytime it has been the same, I feel nothing. This bothers me since I know I should feel something.

I went to an Evanescence concert last week and it was fucking AWESOME! I was really euphoric the next day until my recently ex-girlfriend killed it for me. We've been having troubles and I decided to break it off, she has shown she's not ready for a mature relationship. Over the last couple weeks I have grown more and more irritable, impatient, and contradictory. I seemed to have reached a "I really don't give a fuck" point, especially at work. After some reflection I realized it was due to being passed over for two different promotions. I can understand why they gave the most recent one to the guy they did, but DAMN IT! The only people working there that have put more time in and know more than me are the two original managers. I know my job better than anyone else there, I am the only one who worked double shifts during training so that I could be cross trained before we opened, I am the only one who consistently works overtime every week, I am the only person willing to stay as late past my shift as they need, and I have proven that I can manage my co-workers. I don't mean to sound "holier than thou," but this is the truth and I think I deserve a little more recognition for it than one stupid fucking piece of paper telling me I'm a good employee! I don't know what the deal is today either. I didn't go to sleep until about 3 a.m. and I woke up around 4, now I can't get back to sleep. Today's payday and I get off work mid-afternoon and after that I don't have to be back into work until 5 p.m. sat. I think I might go out tonight, shoot some pool perhaps. Well, I think I'll submit this and head to the forum.

I recently got back together with an ex, I'm beginning to think that this was a bad idea. Since we've been dating again I've been more irritable, anti-social, and I've been having more trouble organizing my mind. Another problem is that she has become too needy. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't continue dating her.

This song describes pretty well an internal struggle that I deal with every day.



Imaginary by Evanescence:



I linger in the doorway

Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name

Let me stay

Where the wind will whisper to me

Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story



In my field of paper flowers

And candy clouds of lullaby

I lie inside myself for hours

And watch my purple sky fly over me



Don't say I'm out of touch

With this rampant chaos - your reality

I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge

the nightmare i built my own world to escape.



In my field of paper flowers

And candy clouds of lullaby

I lie inside myself for hours

And watch my purple sky fly over me



Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming

Cannot cease for the fear

Of silent nights

Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming

The goddess of imaginary light

In the polls there's one that asks what you would want done when you die. This is the first time I've thought of this. This my sound a little disturbed, but I think that I would like to be dismembered and buried in different places around the world.

I have wondered why people are "cutters." My brother used to cut his self. He told me it was basically to varify that he was still alive and able to feel. This peaked my interest. I don't need to varify my existence, but I decided to try it anyway. As I pulled my knife blade across my arm it was incredible. I've been cut before, but this was different. I can only describe it as ecstasy, this feeling only got stronger as I watched myself bleed. I couldn't resist the urge to taste my blood, once I did it was hard to stop. I can see how this could get addictive!