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Well, you got your wish. I no longer care. I can't, or else it will tear me apart. You say you are my friend, and yet you never have time for me. Give me all the excuses you want, I don't care. For future reference, if you are going to blow someone off and avoid them with excuses of being too busy or needed elsewhere, you might not want to make it well known that you are hanging out at other people's houses. It kinda blows your excuses out of the water and just makes you a coward without the courage to actually tell me you don't want to see me. Thank you for not even giving me that much respect. The lies hurt more than the truth would. It shows me how much you actually think of me. I'm glad I mean that much to you after everything. It hurts that you can just completely drop me like that. Well, I hope you're happy, and having fun. I hope you have a very happy life, even though I apparently will not be even a small part of it. I mean that. May the Goddess bless all that you do, and keep you healthy.

Its amazing the range of emotions the human mind is capable of, and the numerous different types of each emotion. It makes for very confusing times. I know what my next move will probably be, but I also know what will happen if it happens. I don't want to do that to anyone, but I am still completely taken. As much as I may feel at the moment, it is nothing compared to how I feel then. I guess I really fucked up. I should have listened to the warnings, but I didn't think it would affect me since I had outside help. I guess I was wrong. I don't know exactly what to do now. I suppose I should consult the Tarot, but even then it may not help me. It can only give me a possibility, and I may not interpret it correctly. And I still want my original yearnings. No matter how much I try to hide it, to push it away, I still want it. Even though I know the other path is probably safer and I would be happy with it, I still whole-heartedly want the other. I'm going to end up hurting someone, even though that is the very last thing I want. I know I'm going to be hurt no matter which path I take, for I care too much.



I'm too emotionally damaged, too many bad memories. Though I try to fix myself, and have made myself a bit better, there are still too many problems lurking just beneath the surface. Sometimes I think that I should just stop, be completely aloof and unattached. I think it would be better, for I would not hurt anyone that way. I know it would be detrimental to my own health, but I just want people to be happy. No matter what I do, someone always seems to get hurt. And I almost always do. I think I'm sick. Physically and mentally. Its just too much to deal with sometimes.

My brother and I were talking the other day, and he pointed something out to me about my taste in men: they're all Irish. Since 8th grade, I have dated nothing but Irishmen, three of which were gingers, one was a brunette, and the other had black hair. Wow. I never noticed that before.



This strikes me as quite odd, considering whenever I got close to the demon trying to hurt me I would slip into one of the thickest Irish accents I've ever heard, without being able to stop it. No matter what I did, I would speak that way until I was out of its presence.



I wonder why? Very odd happenings indeed... I think I need to explore this much more, find out what all of this is about. Ha, but I do love my Irish boys :)

Had an incredibly good night last night, much better than the day had been. I don't know what I would've done without my new friend. Makes my life much better, makes me happy. Always there for me. And as insane as I am. Well, almost :) I don't think anyone is quite as insane as I am. But yeah. I've been in an awesome mood all day. :)

Incredibly depressed at the moment. I dunno why. Just suddenly became depressed. I feel like crying, but I can't. No idea why, I just can't. I haven't really cried in quite a while. A few tears may come out, but that's it. I dunno. I hate being like this. I even called in to work today. That's probably gonna bite me in the ass, but oh well. I just couldn't deal with that today. Ha, at least I have plenty of beer. Nasty shit, but maybe it'll make me sleep. Or there's always the stuff he gave me, it always puts me to sleep too. I dunno.

Well, its been awhile. I've been doing pretty good lately. This being because I actually found someone who has time for me. I made a new friend, and they actually hang out with me, and don't just blow me off and make stupid excuses, expecting me not to notice when they make a liar out of their self. I'm not that stupid.



I'm not sure exactly how I feel anymore. I can only take so much pain and hurt before I just stop caring. At this point I'm used to it. I don't try anymore, because I already know whats going to happen. The outcome is always the same, no matter the lies they choose to try and drown me in.



I don't want anything else yet, I don't think I could handle it. I don't know what to do really. I guess he was right, I do feel like running. From everything. I can't deal with all of this by myself, but there is no one to help me. I don't have anyone I can tell, I can talk to, about all of my problems. I'm still very much alone when it comes to my problems, no matter how much I try to ignore it and fool myself. And as much as this writing helps me, there are some things that I won't put on here, that I won't talk out for everyone to see.



I wish I could just stay happy, but no. I always have to balance everything. Fucking karma. For every up there is a down.

COMMENTS

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HaZyFaErY
20:23 Jul 15 2010

*hugs*

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I've only ever asked one thing: don't fall in love with me. That's all I ever ask of you, and yet it is the only thing you seem to deny me. I can't give you what you want. I can't be what you want me to be, what you think I am. I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, nor will I ever be. You have to remove me from this pedestal, before I fall and ruin everything. Before I break. You have to let me go. I'm sorry I can't do it. Please, don't fall in love with me.

Well, I'm completely confused. No matter what, they'll never measure up. I don't know what to do. Always, always judging and contemplating. I don't even know how I feel anymore. How I feel about myself. I find every flaw, no matter how small. Well, I don't think I can change it. I just have to deal with it until things change. Its amazing, the thoughts in my head. What am I getting myself into? I wish someone could help me...

Its amazing how much of a difference one person can make in your life. Five minutes, and my horrible day is turned completely around. Eight hours of dealing with a bitch, an incompetent, and hundreds of idiots, wiped away after a few messages. Its amazing.

Hmmm...quite odd right now. Still incredibly sad and depressed, but kinda happy at the same time. I want to die, but I want to live. Well, not necessarily want to die, but I wouldn't be horribly upset if I did. I don't know what to do really. I'm quite conflicted inside. Maybe its because of my new friends. Who knows? I guess we'll see where it goes. I have my hopes though. Maybe its because of my new-found hobby. I'm sure that helps. Or maybe I've finally hit my limit. Just can't take it anymore, so I stop caring. I don't have much of a reason for my depression anymore. Well, I do, but not one that stays in my conciousness. I know why I am, but now it has just become a state of being. I am always depressed, but I also have other emotions that lay on top of it occasionally. Its always there though, like a demon waiting for its chance to emerge and overcome. Oh well, its not so bad I guess. I think I'm learning to like pain. Not the depression pain, but other things. Very odd inside me right now. Probably quite interesting.

I love how nothing I do ever matters. Its never enough for anyone to count. No matter how much I spend, how much I sacrifice, its nothing. I have never, and will never, be good enough. For anyone; not my family, not my friends. No one. How much longer until I learn?