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There is a reason I don't have too many friends. Why I am alone. And I see it every day. The guy that asks if the ATM is broken when it obviously isn't displaying an error message on the screen, gets on my last nerve. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. He has a chip in his card, and I help. It says on screen to reinsert and wait to input pin. I ask him if he followed instructions, and he says he did but I watched him try three different times and he didn't. It works this time and he thanks me. Inside, I want to slap the shit out of him, call him ignorant, and move on. It's not because of fear, that I do not move forward with my desire but rather the fact I hate conflict with police. I really don't want jail time or the various trickling down style of events that would happen if I were arrested, so I hold it in.

The person pulling on the McDonald's door yelling the burning question "Are you closed?!" ; Fucking obviously you idiot. Does the "Lobby Closed, 24 hour drive through" neon flashing light right next to the door somehow not make its point?

I have a hatred for people. A heap of social anxiety. I honestly do not know how I have made it this far in life.
As for love, well, thats a new story altogether. I have fell in love twice. Once with an older woman I adored dearly.30-35 years my senior in my twenties, I could only wish I would have heeded her warning about someone I fell for, lustfully. That next person tore us apart. She refuses to speak to me now. The last time I attempted was 7 years ago. She was very wise. I would have gladly moved in with her and married her; her mind was something of an intellectual/spiritual's dream. But no, I was not ready.

The next one was even earlier in life. When I was in my teens. I met her on an unlikely site and we became friends of each other's art style. We talked for weeks, exchanged phone numbers and from then on we were inseparable. Talking till 3 in the morning, right before my father had to get up for work. My father was a horrible racist, us being in the south. A white boy "internet dating" a black girl over the internet, no he wasn't having it for his son. Over time, the feelings did fade. I starting looking at other girls my age in school and around me and trying to introduce myself. There was some falling out, she lied first, then I lied out of spite after I found out she had lied. We haven't spoken in over 10 years. I always thought we would at least be friends. Worst part is, her fiancee looks eerily similar to me. Maybe there is a part of her that never got over me. That tries to find it in others. But lets be honest, that never works out like we want it to.

If I could ever find someone that totally gets me, loves my dark side unconditionally as well as my public side, and is witty and intelligent as well, I would be surprised. I love perching in my windowsill, middle of a thunderstorm and watch the lightning. I hear the thunder boom as the fragrance of the rain creeps through the open door, carried by the wind. I sit there and wonder. Will I ever find anyone like myself? Will I ever find anyone to tolerate me? Being realistic, probably not fully. And it is ok. I believe I am meant to be alone. Much like a lone owl or wolf, I watch. I wait. I observe.

COMMENTS

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XRADIANCEX
17:11 Apr 17 2018

I feel that way a lot myself. I hope you find what you desire.

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