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Well we are almost caught up.



I know that a lot has happened in the parts of my life that i have shared. Yes it is all true, No names are changed, maybe i should have but they are not. I just wanted to write about what i have been through honestly. I dont know why. I have a feeling that these are good. Not only for me but for some of the people that read these entrys too.



Lets see... July.



Nevah and Nicoles break up caused kaos.



and what made matters worse was when Nevah and Tieanti (Donalds sister) fell for eachother. No one liked that.



Everyone was furious, like natural order was broken.

Im sitting there thinking

*Ok... everyone could tell they werent very happy with eachother... Tieanti makes Nevah happy, that should be more important, people fail to realize that change is nessisary in order for people to learn and grow and judging from what i have seen from all parties, it was needed*



But not all people have the sense i do.

Im not sure if its even a sense. Just change happens. Everything will work out. I had faith in the change you could say. Everyone was just angry because apparently it hurt a lot of people.



Tim expecially was hurt.

He hated seeing his friends upset, he didnt like the breakuos, in other words, he doesnt understand change very well and you can tell through his actions. Well from what i have seen. Ive known him for about 5 or 6 years now.



Tim started to believe that Donald had something to do with all of this. Yes Donald had been involved with almost every situation that arose but lets look at the factors Donald posseses that automatically put him in the middle, Whether he put it on himself or not



1. At courtneys and maxs he was the only one with a source of income, a pretty good pay too.



2. He wont admitt it, but he does have mother like qualities. He likes taking care of people and sometimes he feels the need to.



3. He also is very generous once the person has proven themselves to him. He would do anything to help a loved one. Not greedy with money at all.



4. He speaks up for himself and truely does not give a damn about what others think of him and his actions



5. To create a safe, peaceful environment, he will eliminate whatever he sees is the problem. Whether it be a thing, place, or person. The will eliminate it from his and his loved ones lives at all costs.



This is a scary strong combination and ultimately, it makes him an easy target for blame. Donald came in, helped his friends, when the bad hit he did the best for the people closest to him, tried eliminating the bad and because of this many people got hurt. Donald came in and changed everything.



The fasinating thing (Well to me) is that i am just like him but literally his opposite. He attracts more hate, i attract more love, i rarely get blamed, he always gets blamed, i am blunt but within boundries- only when i need to be, he is blunt all the time-rude or not-doesnt give a damn. He is strong when i am weak, i can compromise an negotiate when he cant. I am more mental when he is more physical, this goes with attack style as well. The list could keep going really.



Well i digress but i think i helped give more understanding. Well anyway once Tim saw all this kaos he looked for the most common factor and that boiled down to Donald because he had caused the most change. And it looked negative at the time. Because people were in pain.



I tried talking to Tim telling him that pain is sometimes nessisary in order for people to change and grow. Change needs to happen, whether it be good or bad and we just do the best with what we have.

Tim didnt get this. He couldnt look past the hurt which i understand for his case as well and i didnt make it easier.



Tim had a crush on me. A huge one. Has had it for years. Still does.

Tim has told me straight up "I wanted to see Donald happy, i let him have you because i knew he fell for you quick and hard"



....... I kept my mouth shut. I let him believe what he wanted to but later i had said to him taht if i wanted him i would of had him already. im not just some peice of jewlery you can pawn off to others, i had a choice. I chose Donald. That hurt him even more.



Ok its clear. Tim is clouded by hurt but he still believes that Donald is the root and now that his sister was envolved, he believes that his whole family is cursed. Which i will admitt, they all do have a very different feel to them that i havent placed yet but i feel no curse or spell upon then. I love the family. But hey, i have been wrong before. Look what happened with Keith and Martin. But we will see. I like them all.



Now when i first had heard about Tims thoughts on everything i wasnt exactly sure what to do with this info or new opinion. I decided to investigate and go down there myself, back to courtneys to see everyone and to sniff around if you know what i mean.



There were many people there, all against Donald, Tieanti and Nevah but all i could get was pain because of the change that has happened in their lives. As far as i could see the pain was not determined good or bad. It was just change and people were having a hard time copeing with it all. I talked to Tim, Courtney, Garrett which is Courtneys husband, Nicole, Jeremy and Katie which were Donalds old friends, Shadow and her two thers friends because they knew Donald, Dale because Donald lived with him. Yeah... I took the accusations seriously because even i dont have the clearest of heads sometimes. No one does.



But still all i could see was people hurt because of the pain and change. No reason to start a stir yet. Tim even had a friend talk to me to check if my head was clear even. i told her what i wrote in this enrty and she subsided. She dated Tim for 5 years. she knew how he got and could see where his head was at. I told her there was no reason to act right now because it couldnt be determined if the change was really bad or not. Which it wasnt. Change always has a way of turning out good if you think about it. It brings good and bad but ultimately we grow and learn. Thats the important part.



Yup all this crap before my birthday.



By this time i had noticed changes with my body, more cramps, throbs, but i figured it was either my crohns or me turning 18.

On my birthday i spent the day alone. At home. everyone was out of the house and i stayed on the computer, blasted my music, and painted my nails. Because of my graduation i was thankful for the nice relaxing day.



Me and Donald have our ups and downs and because of miscommunications we usually end up fighting. Well this fight ended up really bad. A week or so after my birthday we got into it. he misinterperated something i said and he thought i ended things between us. I didnt mean it like that but he wouldnt listen to me. This didnt last long. I have gradually learned that i need to let him cool down and think. Wait till he talks to me and wait till he will listen. No point in fighting it. so everything got fixed.



In July i spent a lot of time going to Powells bookstore and going downtown to shopping centers and to walk around. Just to get out. But my body wasnt really working eith me.



I was extremely tired and got tired easily, was feeling nauseated a lot, had a lot of cramps, my period hadnt come. The last time this happened i was flared with my crohns. The only thing different about this time was that i gained weight instead of lost, and was warm and cold on and off, mostly warm. I figured it was my crohns so i went into the doctor office.

I was seen by the doctor, they drew my blood but i had no sign of a flare up.



The doctors believed it was something else...

One very important thing with Matt.

I wrote it separately because it ties in well with all i have to say.



While he was dating me he decides to tell me he has a girlfriend.



And she bore his child.



Now sense i was 14 i was told by my doctors i was pretty much infertile because of my Crohn's Disease and because of abnormalities with my cervix. Its nothing bad mine is just longer and thicker than most womens.



So ever sense then i have delt with that fact...



So i thought...



If you look into my poetry i have written a poem about him and the women that he impregnated.



I was very upset because she could give him something that i never could.



A child.



He was going out with her still, yet spent his days and nights at my house. If i had known this before i would of stopped. He decides to tell me this once we start to get involved.



The baby was due in June and once the baby was born he left her. I only wish her the best and im extremely sorry for doing what i did. I helped him cheat.



I still think about him, i wonder how he is. We got into a huge fight. He hates me now. I dont blame him. I toyed with him. But i did warn him, it is in my nature... I told him right to his face that he is the mouse to my cat.

He knew what he was getting into... kinda.

I think he thought he could perhaps change me.



There is no changing a vampire and his/ her way, a succubus at that.



I was devestated when i found that i couldnt have children and it was said by another doctor when i was 17. I gave up hope after the secong time i heard. Not that i was trying to concieve, but i just wanted the hope to be able to in the future.



I gave that hope up.



But ive come to learn that my body didnt chose him. Subconsiously, he wasnt right and i knew it. It just took a while to come to the surface.



I didnt make him my life mate.

You cant life mate your prey.

I didnt want children with him. I didnt really want children with any of the men i knew.

None were right.

That changed.

Me and Donald made everything official on June 3rd.

Still at Courtneys and everything was going well.

Not for long though.

We started running into financial troubles and because Donald was the only one with an income in the household a lot of pressure was put on him to pay for the rent. All of it.

Of course Donald helped out though.

My graduation day was June 10th. Exiting night. I was finally done with high school, worked my ass off to do it, and that was the night my family got to meet Donald.

Oh they did not like him.

Everyone was ok until Donald kissed me in front of them.

They said it was disrespectful.

Maybe im a bit newer age but i saw no disrespect. We love eachother and i dont believe we should hide it or be ashamed of it. Of course keep some things wrapped up but it was a kiss.

Well we left the after party early so we all could go eat. That peeved me but people were hungry so we left and then we went home.

The next day i had planned a party to celebrate my graduation and people were in and out through the whole thing. Had cake, icecream, there were...beverages... and of course when your drinking these... beverages... with teenagers things tend to get out of hand.



Donald had come over with our friend Tim and Tim had had plenty to drink.

He tried hooking up with my friend Stephanie and she turned him down in short. Because of the turn down he was upset (we call this ass-hurt ladies and gentlemen) and proceeded to call all the females in my house cunts.

I was so pissed i got up in his face and told him to get the hell out of my house.

Donald was right behind me.

One of my very good friends Omar then ran out of my brothers room, grabbed Tim from behind and threw him out of the house.



Donald grabbed their things and i told him i hope this incident wouldnt affect our relationship. Turns out Donald was super pissed that Tim got in my face and yelled, plus called the females that nasty work, and he had been causing comotion the whole night. Somehow that didnt get to me earlier but they ended up leaving.



Later talking to Donald i guess they had gotten pulled over by the cops but luckily they were let go. Walking home Tim was bad mouthing Donald, called him a half-breed and tried fighting with him. Donald somehow managed to not kill him and get them both home. Tom got out of control and i couldnt believe how the night turned.

I was glad it ended.



Because of this fight Donald and Tim wanted nothing more to do with eachother. This created problems because they lived in the same apartment as Courtney. The financial trouble from earlier didnt help earlier.



Donald ended up moving out and moving in with his friend Max which i was aquanted with quickly.

A couple of parties were thrown there, Max and Donald were getting along great and i stayed the night there quite a few times with plenty of friends.



Now because me and Donald are so stubborn and hot headed, we will sometimes get into quarells that will more than likely explode at the end.

Thats what happened and because of a miscommunication we broke up for a bit.

This was over damn text so the next day i went over there for clarification and he was mean and nasty but hating is not in my nature. I tried to fix it. That was the best i could do. i fought and still he was pissed so i ended up leaving. I ended up blacking out for a bit and apparently everyone could hear me scream even though i was like 50-100 feet from Max's apartment.

I felt torn.

I didnt care about anything anymore.

But i was grateful to at least have myself. I still knew who i was, what i liked to do, i still had me. I just felt like i was a half though. Not the full i once had. I was full until i met him. Then it was like he became my other half. Nothing was the same without him.



This however didnt last long.

Within the hour after i left he texted me and told me he could hear me scream and how painful it was to hear me. He still wanted to be friends he just didnt know if we were good for eachother. I wasnt sure either. I told him i would wait for him and again he was surprised that i would. He asked me why i would even after he said all those nasty things to me. I told him he was the only one i wanted still. I expect to get hurt in relationships i have. I also told him i was a lot stronger than he thought. I knew what i was. I know what i am and anyone who tells me something otherwise i just ignore really.

This surprised him. I told him to take as much time as he needed, to do what he wished. My feelings didnt change.

While we were broken up he hooked up with his ex Sabrina for a night. Which i understand because for some reason when men are heartbroken they just go to more women to cope. Well a day or two later he said all he could think about was me. That put me in defense mode but maybe that was the sign that he needed. He fully fell in love with that girl. I think he needed that to see how much he really loved me even though he knew it before all of this. And to tell him that he couldnt go back. that i was his present and future hopefully.

Maybe i shouldnt of taken him back but i love him, we were broken up even if it was for a stupid reason, and sometimes people do need a wake up call like that. So we ended up getting back together.



Fixed.



I told him i was still cautious though and he lost a lot of my trust. He said that was ok as long as he had a chance to earn it back.



He could. And he has.



On and off, Off and on. I felt so moody.

But i delt with it the best i could.



Now this month was special.

I got to meet Donald very good friend Nevah and Nevah was the Kase Kage (leader) of the hidden village of the sand. Later i would become a ninja.

Nothing hard core. We were forest kids that loved to explore.

Nevah was with this girl Nicole with was actually very nice but you could tell the fire had died between them.

I knew it would end soon but i didnt expected to end the way it did.

It ended bad. Very bad. And not only between them. With all our friends, the groups we knew and the other villages.

By the end we had to flee town. And fast.

Continued!



I really had it good.

But what goes up always goes down, we just hope we go up again. Luckily i did but i will get to that later.



Donald and his friend Tim moved to my now friend Courtney's apartment. At the time i didnt know how she was but i got to meet her and her husband ans son. I spent most of my days there now if i wasnt at school. I even went on school nights too. I unofficially moved out early cause the fights at my home got so bad between me and my mother.



I had just about everything but my furniture.

I loved it there.

And he was there.

Well one night Courtney wanted me to go home because cops went to Donalds old place and they thought my parents put out a missing childs case. I knew my mother didnt because i had saw her the day before but i respected her wishes because she has a son to take care of and watch over. So i went back to my parents house.



Well while i was there Donald had sent me a text saing he had fallen for someone else he believed and he couldnt stop thinking about that person. He kept apologizing and felt terrible but i can understand it. You cant help your feelings.

I just wanted him to be happy. Even if it wasnt with me.



I was so hurt though. I just wanted to know him. He still wanted to be friends though which was really good. I was happy about that. I still went over there just not as often and i really focused on school.



I got a lot of work done and graduation was reachable.



Now my beliefs are not hard core set on anything but this definately shifted my beliefs.

I rarely remember my dreams, and when i do they are intuitive and important.



Well one night i had this dream that i was standing in an open feild. There were a bunch of black crows flying in front of me, i wanted to follow them but i couldnt. Then oi heard a womans voice "May your wings give you flight"

over and over again.

Then i woke up.



I felt heavier, and my back hurt.

It felt strange,

no i didnt wake up with god damn wings... well visible ones.

They were auric ones.

I couldnt believe what i was feeling.

I started looking up auric wings and it turns out people are granted them or gain them when doing astral travel. Ive never done anything like that.

I knew Donald and Tim had wings long before but honestly, i thought it was something i could never gain or comprehend for that matter.

It was later that i found out something was actually in my body.

I found out at school.

I was typing a paper, then all of a sudden i open my eyes and i see a page on Morrighan. A irish deity. She is a banshee and is represented by the crow.

I was still scared because i didnt remember going to that page.

I knew i wasnt consious for a bit.

Turns out i had this deity with me. From then on i began seeing crows often, and bunnies for that matter but the bunnies made sense.

Bunnies pop up when you are in fear or are fearing something.

Graduation and turning 18 was scary but i digress...



So, ive had sprites in me, demons, you know, stuff but never a deity.

And i didnt know what she wanted either.

I began asking her what she wanted. (I know this sounds nuts. Hey i dont knock on you beliefs so dont knock on mine)



No reply but she started having texts conversations with some more spiritually adept friends of mine. I personally remember some of what was said but not much. Like it was blocked from me. Pissed me off.



Eventually i ended up banishing her from me, still got the wings, but banished her. She still follows me, watches over me. But im done having things pass through me.

Still not sure exactly what she wanted but i did learn a lot from the experience and from her which ultimately, i think, was the purpose of this.



Me and Donald still talked and had that spark between us. It turns out Morrighan was a bit strict with me and kina ward off men from my life so i could focus and graduate. Im thankful she did. I ended up graduating a bit early and once Morrighan left my body and saw i was doing good, she lifted whatever was on me and him.



I gues why this all wasnt so devestating was because i saw it early. I knew Donald was going to leave me for a bit i just didnt know how. Well he did and when he did it was sudden like something snapped into him. When i got my work done and was doing good, when Morrighan left he snapped out of it. I still dont know exactly what happened but he wanted to date me again and the love bounced right back.



I told him i would wait for him because i wasnt interested in anyone else and i think thats what really got him too. Its true though, there is no one else i want to be with. June third was when we made it official and we have had our fights and miscommunications but i have been really really happy with him.



Him and my crazy life. Life just kept getting crazier too. But at least i was with him. Most of the time.

But there is nothing like your own personal crazy.

Hell im going to quote that.



So the last time i wrote in here was in march. i got everyone caught up about my life.

Want more?

Ove had a good amount of readers and i dont know why lol.

But thankyou. Its nice to know someone is actually reading.



Hmmm... from march... ah i see.

So. Me and Keith didnt work out of course.

Struggling to graduate.

Single.

I got into a huge fight with my mother and they got more frequent the more she realized i was going to graduate, grow up, and turn 18.

Its hard for any mother.

I spent more time out of the house as a result and i didnt stay single for long.

I got together with an ex boyfriend back from october and honestly things were great. It just got better and better everyday.



Well... one day my boyfriend at the time (Matt)

decided it would be cool to invite me over to his apartment that he shared with 3 other friends. All boys of course.

So i went over there, got off the bus, was walking on the street and i felt pulled on. Like my whole being was being drawn to something. Call me crazy all you want but i felt it. I thought it was Matt. I kept walking and met up with him.



He looked like he hadnt showered and slept in days...



SECRET TIME!

I dont know why i am like this but when i am dating someone i wait for this sign.

If i get disgusted with them i know it will be over soon. even if they arent disgusting. I just do that. I hate saying it but i do.



Well Matt disgusted me (No kidding)

But i still felt pulled. I acted natural and kept walking with him.

The closer i got to the apartment the more i felt the pull.

The we came to the door. It was opened and there he was, smoking a cigarette, Tripp pants, shirtless, nipple peircings, Tan, black/brown hair, and eyes that were like liquid amber, liquid gold.

There stood Donald.

I dont believe in that love at first sight stuff... but man if i ever had it this was it.

It was like something hit me over the head...

That never happens.

Expescially with my succubus nature.



I found what i was drawn to and i had no idea why i was.

Come to find out the other two boys in the house were friends from school, which was really neat, Donald was the only one i didnt know.



Then things got real interesting.

When i am around people who im not firmiliar with i double my auric sheild.

Donald caught me and knew exactly what i was doing

he said "Hey... i see what your doing... you dont need to do that here." *puff*



I was intregued. I couldnt believe he caught me.

So i sat in a chair and tested his waters.

We stared at eachother and let our auras mesh.

He fasinated me. Beautiful in every way possible. Every way i could think of.



Matt was sitting in front of me and he was right in the middle of this energy reachout.

Very irresponsible on both me and Donald.

Matt ended up leaving after 5 or 10 minutes and passed out in the bathroom for 20 minutes and when we came out me and Donald were still incased in eachothers energy. I could see what he was.

Vampiric just like me.

He is even a stronger puller than i am which honestly i didnt expect.

But cant feed in more ways like i can.

We put hooks in eachother and then went to go talk.

He asked what i was exactly and of course i told him the truth but nothing is determined.

Everyone in the house turned out to ne Pagan and everyones nature was out in the open.

Never encountered anything like that.

I really felt accepted for who and what i was.



I started going over there a lot and me and Matt began to have problems of course.

Yes i still tried. Im not a quitter when it comes to relationships. I still tried to make it work. But i ended up dumping him a week or two later.



Matt was so pissed of at me for some reason i cant remember now. He ended up grabbing me and shaking me. There was no way in hell i was going to sit back and take that. I got up in his face, grabbed his hand and put them at his sides and held him there. I can barely remember what i said because i was so pised. Matt has a calm nature, i would of never of guessed that from him. Well it happened and i was furious. He is used to having women who would keel over knowing that he was that upset to do that. Not me. Not this fire pistol. I was completely yelling, telling him he will not grab me, he will not shake me, i am no doll, if he does it again i will have to get more physically aggresive. it shocked the hell out of him.



I usually dont get that way either, so assertive and fierce. But when it comes to anyone putting their hands on me, it lets out a whole other Low Low. Ive been a victim before. I refuse to keel over and be a victim again.



Matt afterwards kept pushing me to talk to him and to be more loving but i couldnt after that and he wasnt giving me time to heal really. So it ended.



Me and Donalds relationship grew. He would always aske me what i was thinking and he wanted to know everything about me. Im not too good verbally. I often make mistakes or forget to add in something. I began to write to him a bit and let him read the letters. He wrote to me once too about his life.



Just opening up stuff. Of course the relationship got intimate but nothing was official. He ended up moving to a friends house across the way in the same apartment building and we spent most our time there. Matt disappered. Our friend Tim went with us and the other boy that lived with Donald mover to California.



Things were going really good. New friends galore and i was with the man i wanted to be with (Well kinda)

I had it. Well.. thought i did.