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Hey You guys.....

So I'm in trouble AGAIN! Lol My dad came home early and Bob was here, but I was dying his hair so it's not like we were doing anything dirty so I'm not in THAT much trouble but yeah. It's all good. I gotta call my moms and talk to her to see if I can still talk to him and shit. I hope that she says I can because I know if I can't, my life will go down the drain.

He's the reason that I'm not doing as many drugs as I used to do. I mean yeah I drink and I smoke and ocasionally pop a pill here and there, but I'm no where near where I used to be. I would do anything for that boy, but I'm still not sure if I want to be with him right now. It makes no fucking sense, but nothing does anymore. I'm just so confused by everything right now. It's like everyone says they're one thing and is really a completely different thing. I just don't know who's genuine and who's not anymore.

What up everyone?

Not much here just chillin.

So last night we all got drunk and high and shit. You know how we do out here. Lol, but yeah Nailz came over and Bob did and Tiff and shit. It was fun to have the gang there and it felt like old times and shit. But yeah Asa called and was bitching about me and I don't get why he can't say all this shit to my face if he's this big tough guy and shit. Asa needs to be put in his fucking place and realize he's not so fucking great. I don't get why, if these people are "family", why they would be the first to turn their back on you. It just makes no fucking sense. So I'm just gonna chill in school and do my best to get the fuck out of there and away from these bullshit assholes that don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. I know the people that have my back and the people that would give their life to save mine and that's all that matters.

But yeah, not much is really going on. My dad is on his way home and I just finished my 40 so I gotta act all sober which should be easy because I'm not even tipsy. My doctor says I might have an alchohol problem, but who gives a fuck about what she says. I'm just out doin my thing and taking life one day at a time. I think Imma just stop caring what anybody feels because I'm tired of this bullshit drama.

But Yeah

Peace out Biatch!

Hey what's up everyone? I just got home from hanging with my buddy, tiff. She is the shit. Always there for me and shit and has my back no matter what. She got me a couple shirts and some food. But yeah I know yall are all interested in my love life and shit.

So last night I snuck out to go see Nailz and my sister came. It was the first time I snuck out when my dad was home. But yeah we got away with it so it's all good. But yeah We were chillin and shit and he wanted to fuck. I tried to keep tellin him no, but he kept begging and I just gave in. I mean I didn't wanna rush it, and we did. I just feel...used...and ...dirty.

I miss Bob alot though. I don't know why, but I just do. I miss the way he kissed. I miss the way he told me he loved me. I miss the way he held me. I miss everything about him. And I don't even know why. I just don't know who I am anymore. I feel like such a selfish asshole and I feel like everyone hates me right now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean he's hurt me so much over the 11 months we went out. And it's all I can think about.

Sometimes I just wish that I was numb so that I could ignore everything. Every time he says I love you, it's like putting a knife in my heart. We're over, so why does it still hurt so bad. Where was he when I needed him? Where was the love when he was yelling at me? Where was the love when I was crying over him? And now that he's hurting over me, he loves me, and he'll change.

I just feel so selfish. I'm hurting the one person that was there for me all along just so I can be happy. I just wish that he could see that I'm trying to do this for him. I hurt him and he doesn't deserve that. I just wish that he could leave me behind so that he can finally be happy. Everyone is telling him what I horrible person I am and I'm starting to believe that they're right. Everytime I even think about him, it feels like someone's squeezing my heart and I can't help but cry and I don't know why this hurts so bad. I just feel so alone right now

And I feel bad for Nailz. He didn't ask for all of this fucking drama. He just walked in at the wrong time. I can't help but sit here and feel like I'm bad for everyone that loves me. I feel like a fucking disease. All I do is hurt people. Everywhere I look, there is something of his and I can't help but cry. I know I miss him, but it just hurts so bad. I do good when I'm not around him. I do great when I'm not around him. But he's done so much for me. And he just expects me to drop Nailz like that for him. Nailz hasn't hurt me the way he has. I won't do that to someone. All this hurt just keeps overwhelming me and I just feel like I can't do anything to get out of it. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will ever get better.

Ugh....I just wanna lay down and never wake up. I don't know how much more of this I can really take. Yes, I cheated on him. Yes, it was the worst thing and most fucked up thing I could ever do. Yes, I feel so bad about it. I'm so sorry. But it's like he doesn't even see that. I just wish that he understood that I was hurting too. He pushed me away so many times and I spent so many nights crying over him, that I was so numb. I just wanted someone to want me. I wanted someone to think I was worth something. I'm so numb now, but I still feel all this hurt and all I want to do is just quit. I know that's the weakest thing I could say. I want to be the person with the optimistic who says that they can make it through everything. All the times I've been hung up on, all the things he's said to me....they all hurt so bad. And all I get is this constantly thrown in my face which I know I deserve but this hurts so bad that I just don't know what to do. I can't imagine life without him. I can't do anything without thinking about him. And everything he says just tears my apart and rips my heart to shreds and as soon as I start glueing the pieces back together, he just tears it all up again. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am. I just don't know...

What's up hoes? I'm bored as shit and chillin here with my sister and my boyfriend Bob. We're about to make some dank brownies and you know yall are jealous because you can't have any. Just playing....I'll make dank browies for everyone of you mother fuckers because I'm nice like that. Anyways, just kickin back about to get drunk later so hit me up if you live in P-town skankbags