The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I have a problem. Read my other profile journal entry if you are curious. I am sad. I shouldn't be.



I knew going in that my personal preferences would alienate me from everyone I knew, but it is getting to where I am always alone. Or worse, defending myself to assholes who can't just live and let me be.



I want something specific for my birthday. It won't happen. I can have half of it, or a third, but not the whole wish. I don't know why the things I like most are things I must be forced to enjoy alone, or not at all. I can enjoy things with other people, but not stuff I like. I do it with them and they never know I have very little interest in the things they like, but turn it to the other foot and I am all alone. It is not fair.



I am tired of hiding and I am not doing it anymore. To hell with everyone. I am sick of editing my comments and pretending to be some rich bitch socialite who does no wrong. I am me. I pay my own way on everything I do these days so what the hell should I care if my parents don't like who I am inside? I know they don't. Not because I have told them, but I hear what they say about my old friends that they ran off with rudeness. I had to endure it, but I don't blame them for leaving.



I have nothing I like. Nothing...That has got to change. I can't go on like this. It is breaking my heart into crumbling dust. I lock myself away from the world because I am tired of pretending. I am getting tired of hiding now. So that only leaves one more option...I have to go out and be myself. I can't hide anymore. It is killing my personality. I can't stay locked away. I am getting bored.



Thirty-four and nothing to show for it. I had a few years of happiness. That is not a good thing to say. I enjoyed my early childhood and when I ran off to Alabama and Florida to get away from here and my ex-husband. Very little of the rest of my life qualifies as enjoyment. That is why I write so much. I would rather immerse myself in that world than this shit. That has got to stop. Not the dreaming, but the hesitation to challenge the things around me. Now I just have to figure out a way to do it without breaking what little is left of my heart. I know I will get some really rude remarks. I am certain it will bad. I can't change that.



P.S. Did I mention that I told my parents (finally) that I like gay men? I don't mean a small friendship way either. My mom's first comment 'Are you saying you are gay?' What part of 'I want two bisexual males sweaty and naked with me' translates into 'Get naked bitch'? Two gay guys and a naked chick have nothing in common with each other! Yes, I am upset and irate. I will get over it.

COMMENTS

-

---

Oceanne
00:54 Jun 29 2010

You have to be true to yourself.Otherwise you may never find the happiness you seem to be seeking.

---

POST COMMENT

Yeah, I know...that doesn't even begin to cover all of the weird stuff happening to me lately. I don't know where to begin.



I don't know why I should bother to try. It isn't like anyone really cares to read these things other than me. If they did, I would get comments and I do not. Soo...why bother? Who knows?



Okay, my job is easily explained. There is a 'changing of the guard' if you will allow that description. The old director is retiring for personal and medical reasons. I will hate to see him go. I get along with him rather well. We talk of stories and publishing things...He is a writer like me (only he does children's stories) and he has been trying to get me to contact his publisher.



I have only met the new director once and he seems both very nice and very intelligent. In fact, he is a well-dressed, well-spoken individual who has swiftly moved up the ladder since getting hired. That alone tells me he either has a great work ethic, or a lot of clout with the big-wigs. I hope we get along. I like smart people.



My new/old friend at work still hasn't introduced me to those hot friends she grew up with. I am not expecting much. Perhaps she will for my birthday (coming up soon) but even if she did there is no guarantee we would like each other. I just need someone to talk to, hang out with and call my friend, but the whole (joking) lover thing is always a later option to be considered.



I miss traveling. It has become an ache that I cannot ignore. I miss it. You have no idea how bad the need to just drive away and never come back is digging at me. It is depressing to ignore it. I need new spaces, new faces and new things to do. I cannot abide staying still for long. I hate it. Gas has gotten so expensive I don't even bother to think about it most of the time, but...



My parents are all addicted to Wii, Xbox 360, and exercising (of all things)...my fault. I don't mind. It is making personal time with them a great deal more entertaining. Experts say video games improve memory, cognitive thinking skills, hand/eye coordination and reduces the risk of Alzheimer's disease. My parents will be children for life. *wink* That is a good thing!



I have been taking more long walks in the park listening to mostly my newest 'Terminal Choice'- Chris Pohl cd that is in my MP3 player. I love it! Have you ever heard 'MySpace Hero'? It is adorable! That and 'We Are Back'...I love them. I could walk, or do most anything, forever daydreaming of his voice.



I know there are a hundred things I could add (and I may), but for now this is all I am taking the time to say. I will back when I can.



Jenna Karro

NymzanSusauren

COMMENTS

-

---

TheArtistRose
00:09 Jun 29 2010

its fun getting your parents addicted to games. just don't let them have all the fun, lol.

---

POST COMMENT