00:39 Sep 25 2019
Times Read: 1,522
I'm going to vent a little bit, so forgive me, but I have nowhere to really say these things. I'm not proud of my actions and I don't Wan tmy family to know just how much I'm suffering. So, hopefully this will give me some solace, prove to be a useful outlet.
I was a cutter in high school. I think that's the fate of a lot of us who felt like the outsider amongst their peers. Who didn't quite fit in with the rest. I lived in my brother's shadow which didn't exactly help things at all. And, well, things at home were never great. My father was never one to be emotionally kind or warm with me. I think I enbodied everything he hated, and he definitely made me feel like it at times. But, that's an eantierly different issue that I have to work through. The fact is that I used to cut myself. When writing didn't prove theriputic enough for me, when I wanted to just feel something, I'd take a razor to my skin. At the age of sixteen my school found out about my self-harm and they stepped in, as is their duty. I was in therapy for a while, I had CPS stop by more than once for checkups, I had to be evaluated by a psychiatric hospital which I was very nearly admitted into. It wasn't something I would want to relive. The embarrassment I felt was so very high, and then it was only added by the embarrasment my family had to deal with because of me. It didn't exactly help my issues which lead to the self-harm in the first place, but it made certain I wouldn't do that form of self-harm again.
And, for 16 years I maintained that. I hadn't cut myself since that day. Therapy actually helped me a lot, never underestimate the power of just talking to someone. Someone who doesn't judge. If I could afford it, I'd be in therepy right now for, well, a lot of things. I'm kind of a mess and I am in a place to realize just how much of a mess I am. I make no excuses for myself, I hold no delusions about where things stand with me. But, I can't afford it right now, so I've fallen back into my old habits, bottling shit up until I break. I broke on Sunday. It wasn't any one thing that contributed to this, it was a culmination of everything I've been dealing with this last year. It hit me hard. And, I fell back to the one thing i tried so hard to refrain from doing. I don't state this for pity, I don't need your pity. I don't state this because I think it's the cool thing to do, I'm quite ashamed of myself for succumbing to the temptation. I state this to keep myself accountable for my actions.
I don't take these things lightly. I battled the urge for 16 years, so it's not lightly that I reverted back. Things are difficult. Life is difficult. And I tried so hard to keep from falling down that hole again, but in the end, I did fall. It's hard to deal with things sometimes, with everything that's been going on in my life, I don't really have an outlet to get things off my chest anymore. I used to write. I loved to write. It was the way I was able to express myself best, it was a way to let these emotions out in a healthy manner. But I don't write anymore. And try as I might, I can't summon the words. So, I don't have that outlet anymore. I could talk to Raine, but we haven't known each other that long, and she has her own problems to contend with that I don't want to add my issues to her plate. I can't talk to John, because while I have in the past, he's seen the scars on my arms, my legs, he knows, but there's a line I don't want to cross with him right now, because like Raine, he's dealing with his own shit. So, I deal with all on my own, suffering in silence.
COMMENTS
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ReaperSoulMate
02:03 Sep 29 2019
Your dreams will come to keep your head up high.~Reaper