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walking away, I try without success not to look back. I see their faces leering at me. waitng for me to stumble or better yet fall. i turn my head from them and continue on. tears maybe trailing down my face but i'm glad that i'm through with them, my addiction. they try to follow yelling crude remarks. i'm no good with out them. i'm nothing to everyone. they are my addiction, the ones who kick me when i'm down. I leave only to come back, to the name calling, to the pain. I leave only to come back, to the suffering, to the hate. they love to drag me down, my addiction, along with them the ride is horror and dispair. I walk hand in hand with their hate with their pain, with their suffering, with their hurtful way of life. I walk hand in hand with my addiction. slowly i began to fade in to the background, overcome by my addiction. letting go makes it so easy. leaving letting them control. nothing changes everythings the same all the pain, suffering, hate is still there but i lost control. I feel but unable to react, my addiction is in control. they are in control. the voices are in control and i am lost but still here in the background with no control.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. I don't mean why am I alive. I don't want to die, the thought of dying scares the hell out of me. I'm just wondering what I'm doing with my life. Right now I'm at college and I guess i want to be here it's just that I'm so far away from home and I miss my family so much. I'm two states away from them and we don't have the kind of money to just visit when we want to. I call them sometimes but I don't want to annoy them by calling them all the time. Were not a vary close family, we or I should say they tend to be really mean to each other. They are always telling me how much they don't like one another behing their backs. I just don't want to be the topic of their subjects when they start to talking like that. I love them all so much, I just don't want them to hate me in any way. I guess one of the reasons I went so far way from them is because i thought that they might miss me and perhaps appreciate me more. they might realize that i did do alot at the house and that i ment something to them. Hopefully I will get to see them when I have my Christmas break. I guess I should call them soon.