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i had a dream last night. thats a big deal. i havent had dreams for years. not very often anyway. the abuse i suffered seemed to take that from me. thats what i was told might be the case anyway. i suffer daily with the emotional and psychological scaring that was done to me. so its nice to be able to see rifts in the damage. to see that theres progress being made to me. dreams dont sound like something most people would care about. nut you miss what you lose. you want what you cant/dont have. human nature. despite the attempts to kill the humanity in myself i am irrevocably human:therefore must cope with the things that come with it. ill leave today with a thought. when one says "living the dream" i find it insulting. just because it is a dream doesnt for any reason mean it cant be real. most people dream about doing things that i do quite often. they are as real as anything in this world, therefore not really a dream.

im back again. its not a bad day today. i went to the gym and worked out again. something ive been doing to cope with my lack of self esteem. after a suicide attempt a few weeks ago ive been determined to find something to be happy about. i havent yet, but im not giving up yet. im holding out some hope that i will find myself in something or someone. but for now i will continue through the motions. its funny. i focus so much on the happiness of others, and im told i give such great advice, and yet when i look at myself, i feel as though i dont have any right to the things i mentor others on. but i keep the thought pushed back. without me, a few would have to do things the hard way. i have a purpose for now. that too keeps me going, despite that it too depresses me at times. have you ever felt second best all the time? i do every day. when im told that im attractive, it gets old. because actions speak louder then pretty words, and if i always come second then theres something more appealing about everyone else. this happens with everything however. not just relationships. but i think as far as they go, maybe im not made for one. music is my mistress. i shouldnt neglect her for the pleasent form of some pretty faced vixen that may or may not stay. for music will stay. it has always been there. it will be here when i am gone. wrapped in the sweet melody like comforting arms, it holds me and comforts me. musicians, tortured souls we are. never doubt that for a second. some of us are better at hiding such things. but true music comes from a place that many people tread, but few go to by choice. but again, ill leave you for now with the words spoken by a character, though fictional, remains an inspiration to me. "It Cant Rain all The time"-Eric Draven - the crow

COMMENTS

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Sinn
04:57 Jan 25 2017

I know exactly how you feel. When you open yourself up to others it always leads to pain. I too have attempted suicide. I find comfort in music as well. I have found one hour at a time works better than one day at a time.

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BatsInTheBelphry
05:34 Jan 26 2017

I see your words and I see so much of myself in them. Ive been a cutter, had the suicide attempts, the lack of confidence, low self esteem, always feeling like Ill never be anybodies first choice. Music is a way t help deal, but I know that at times the depression can even take that away, by taking away the motivation. I have not wrote anything new in several years after becoming a daddy, now life just seems so bland since they moved out and I dont have her I struggle daily with the evil thoughts, and as yu Ive always seemed to hand out good advice to others but my own life continues to fall apart.

if you need someone to vent to feel free to message me, stay strong.

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so here i am again. i sit in the dark in my house. surrounded by everything and anything a man of my age should want. but shouldnt i be happy then? one might assume so. but the reality is that when you come from nothing, you tend to, despite everything you have, secretly crave that sullen misery from where you came. the things and trinkets i surround myself with are only a reflection of my dreary and sullen state of mind. you see the world is a greedy place. filled with greedy eople.l teaching others the same way of life. when you work as i have, in the condition ive had to, you find your view on life and people rather conflicted. you see them day by day, returning with their paltry sum of a paycheck and wasting it on such things as alcohol, and cigarettes, and lottery. and then but candy and soda with a foodstamp card. and yet despite the ugly, gut wrenching anger and bitterness that swells inside me like a monster from the depths of hell, i cant help but pity the poor souls. i feel the sorrow they carry. even worse is when i can see it in their eyes, despite the warm and pleasant smile they use to lie to the world. they cant lie to me. it doesn't work so well. the world and i share a love/hate relationship. despite all the hate i may hold for someone, i cant help but to extend my hand to them when i know they need it. i often wish that the world would burn. its a filthy, sinful, miserable, arrogant, and meaningless circle of unending sorrow and waste of human life. and yet i know in my heart that if the world burned tomorrow, that i would probably give my very life to try and save it. but enough prattle for now. ill leave you with a thought till next time. Pain is the greatest Teacher in life. it teaches young, and old. and without it, we wouldn't be keen to listen or learn.

i suppose i can just start from the beginning. my name is cody, and i am not a happy person. i never really have been. ive seen my famiy and friends and peers die since i was 6 years old, and it has destroyed the way i view the world. death of course is a natural part of life as we all know. but dealing with it so early on wasnt something i wanted to do. from age 12 to 16 i was severely abused, psychologically, mentally and physically. when i escaped i told myself i would put it all behind me. and i did for a time. but over time i discovered i had a gift. Empathy. when i enter a room i feed off of the emotion in the room. it used to affect my mood at first, but not so much anymore. its not an easy thing to live with sometimes. i hate going to the store and walking past someone, and knowing that at that very moment they are very upset. or working with a coworker who despite the smile on their face, is so miserable i can almost taste it. it makes me want to help them. and being not so happy myself, i strive to make others laugh and smile. their happiness helps breed my own. i depend on them to a point. thats not to say that im NEVER happy, but i rely more then i should on other people around me to be happy. one thing im very good at is reading people. the place you want to look? the eyes. they tell you everything you could ever want to know. you just have to know how to see it. that combined with the empathy makes it easy for me to talk to people. reading subtle gestures and their reactions to the things i say. its not a perfect art by any means. but it helps me occupy my time. there is an art to the psychology used in manipulating people. so this brings me to my purpose. music. music is one thing that truly makes me happy. it is my mistress. being on stage and feeding off of the people there to see the performances is such a rush. and because i know how they feel, its so much easier to read them, and manipulate them into reacting the way i want. you have to know just when and where to encourage them. soon they will be clapping along to the beat because i have said so. repeating what i wrote, because i made them feel good about doing so. its a beautiful thing, music. but it is a strange thing as well. what IS it? what does it DO? why do we love it so? it seems to me that music is a force that comes from within ourselves, and we are merely the slaves of it's every whim. music takes you and drags you from the comfort of your thoughts, into the mind of the one who wrote the song. and you dont even realize it does so. but enough of my prattle. i suppose for now i will end this journal entry with a few words my friends. Dona Nobis Pacem. let there be peace.