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I just want to give up. How do u know when you've found ur soulmate. My beloved and I have this beautiful epic kinda love story. Ever since I ran out of gas in a stolen car in florida I felt like I was so lonely I could absolutely DIE from it. This was beyond anything I'd felt before. I've slept cold and lonely under bridges in abadoned houses, crack houses, abandoned cars, whatever and I've never known utter crushing loneliey hopeless dispair like I knew in florida.

It was almost over with... I was only a few days away from starting my life over with my two kids on Samhain the pagan new year. I'd get a new start hundreds of miles away from Murderville. Still the days the dragged and the nights were even longer and the loneliness ever soul crushingly there. I went to the landing. I was walking trying to be alone to shake the loneliness. Yeah I know that makes a whole lotta sense right? I went to the spot on the water where u can see a bunch of bridges. I thought about jumping off and being under all that crushing dirty water forever. I'm sure even if they found my body thats where my soul would stay. Under that dirty water... way down there...

On my way back I figured I'll go hang out with my tattoo artist and his family because the loneliness was still crushing me making the walk even longer. There he was standing there with a bike. I barely noticed him. I don't know why I ever even spoke to him.

I liked how he almost imediately starts shedding his clothes to show me his tattoos. I think hes adorable and I love it. We both felt it. We went somewhere to talk and get coffee. When I touched him I felt like a shock. I know now I felt my whole life change. The new life that I hadn't even began yet was pulled out from under my feet and I still find myself falling. I've fell in love before but this literally feels like falling. When u dream u r falling and this is taking forever to hit the ground. I still get that scaredy falling feeling.

Up until Sai I'd never had a real long time boyfriend that didn't hit me. In one whim Sai took away from me all I cared about and even that which I didn't. Maybe it was wrong of him.

Matthew is the best boyfriend I've ever had. If I could have him forever with me and my kids I could b happy.

But hes not mine. And he never will be. He belongs to his drugs. And if that is the way that it must be, then my heart will forever belong to darkness...

what i wanna know, should i just eliminate all nongoth people from my soulmate search. i never cared or knew what form they might take. so i became bisexual and i overlook certain things that r deffinate turn offs like ... like maybe a guy with a gnarly grill.

i have this epic story of cosmic events alligning and a meeting at just the right moment. then at just the right place just the right time we touched for the first time and when we did it wuz a shock we both felt. even the name sounded so familiar like someone i;d known i wuz supposed to look for my whole life. when we saw each other its as if we knew each other and never wanted to b appart from each other ever again. followed by even more cosmic events that literally thrust us together. i had feelings i never felt b4.

we broke up yesterday. apparently all bcuz of me its all entirely my fault. it all startedto unravel when he found out that goth isnt just a way that u dress.... maybe i should just stop being so damned open minded.

COMMENTS

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naylastar
17:37 Feb 02 2011

Not all normalites are evil. Don't give up:)

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Silverhawk
11:39 Feb 03 2011

your fault for being goth?...what the hell? sounds to me where it takes two the second didn't want to fess up to his own contributions or non to the relationship. Every dissolution is caused by more than just "one" problem or person....it's just easier to blame only one.



I was having a great year, or so I thought...until my husband of 20 years informed me 2 days after Christmas that he'd fallen in love with the 3rd party of an open relationship. I still love him, but consequently..I too am to "blame" for all of this. I'm too good in bed, I'm too pretty, I'm too talented..undoubtedly..."too qualified" for the relationship and the cause of his poorly self-adjusted confidence.



I am happy for him nonetheless, although I don't understand it at times...it still hurts....I would suppose it is that thing referred to as unconditional love....it seems some of us out there are cursed with feeling too much within the heartsoul of life....I just wanted to let you know...you are not alone.

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u made all these promises to me. i filled up three whole pages of ur book of shadows with nothing but promises unkept so that maybe they would be written across ur heart that way also, the way they r still writen across mine like a tombstone. only no where on it does it say "rest in peace taba" or how about i'm sorry taba. where are u now? enjoying living with someone who was just like me only worse. u hated me becuz i wuz "gowthic" now u sleep in a coffin. "i love u, now change!" its amazing how offten i hear that when i myself have done that to no one. that three fold i told u it comes back with laughter, so what did i do to desearve this?i suffered ur whims and stupidity. i wuz always faithful, always looking for more ways to make u comfortable, i never denied u, i spawned your two little boys u said u didn't want. what more can a mortal do?