The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Today i am so happy......(in a sence).... besides my leg getting hurt...i am so....happy...for once (in a long time) i actually feel like i've found sumone ^_^ though it is strange....it's is very odd....but; i think i did find sumone i can realate to (in common intrest...etc....) but; suprize.... (i know thiz is were it get scary so if it get's to intense close u're eyes and scream -lol-) it'z..... ... .... .... .... (long brought out silence really get's a crowd going eh?)....... ...... ..... ... .. Andrew ^_^ ..... ..... (i know your like who the fu** is that right?) well..... (another long silence get's u going right?).... i've meet him on....... s5000.....and well (at first) he seemed to be a reugluar person w/ no assosation to the darkside.... but after we started to talk he seemed really interested in my way of life.... then i found out sum stuff and he found out sum stuff then i gess u can go thru there *wedding bells* -lol- JK.....but; we r together ^_^ and i'm real happy (for once) -lol-

It seem's so long (or in my mind it dose) my friends and I have been hav'ing alot of difficulties w/ a bunch of........things..... ~sigh~ it seems as though my world is crashing around me *long sigh*...........I can't belive my friend would belive someone she barley know's over me *a tear slides down face* IDK anymore.... it seem's (to everyone) I am a dark face hidden in lies *sigh* i would never lie to her.... but; someone (she hardley even know's) told her i was and now she is mad @ me......*sigh*.... It's unfair....it's stupied ....why belive a fool when u can belive a god? .

Today i have had everythink (that could go wrong) go wrongto me.....why do i live such a fu**ed up life *sigh* well.........I am going to go *sighs again* goodbye ^_^

organize a bunch of people in one class to emit a low humming noise, keeping straight faces.

organize a whole bunch of people to fall off their chairs at the same time.

organize a whole bunch of people to drop their pencils/pens at a preset time.

superglue quarters to the floor, count how many people try to pick them up.

write fake love notes and slip them into people's lockers

if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.

lay a paper towel roll on the floor at the top of the steps and give it a kick, making sure you've taped the loose end to the floor already.

place chalk inside the erasers so the teachers end up putting big 'ol lines across the blackboard.

when you use the bathroom, get a LOT of soap on your hands (If it's the slimy kind), but don't wash it off, just leave goo all over doorknobs, railings, etc.

screaming gibberish in crowded hallways is always good for a laugh.

leave a Snickers bar in the toilet.

ask people to hold your hand when going down the stairs

Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.

Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.

Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.

Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.

Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".

Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.

Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.

If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?

If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.

Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.

Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera- style, and hand that in.

Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-|/??!]}.

Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.

On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.

Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.

Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.

Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.

Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.

Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.

Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".

Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action."

Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.

Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.

TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.

The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.

Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)

Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.

Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.

Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.

Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.

Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.

Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.

Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.

Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies

All passengers should pretend to have their own brake pedal.

Always grab the dashboard or doorhandle and yell "Whoa!"

Always tell the driver to slow down or speed up.

As a passenger, feel free to take your shoes off and smell up the whole car.

Constantly remind the driver of road conditions.

Every time you see a car do something that ticks you off, ask everyone in the car with you if it is included it on the "How to drive like a Moron" webpage.

Every time you see a car pulling out, yell to the driver "Watch it!"

Grab the steering wheel if you feel the driver can not deal with a traffic situation.

If there is a mirror on the passenger side door, it's there for the passenger. Feel free to adjust it at will.

Make sure that you put your chewed bubble gum into the ashtray, unwrapped.

No matter what lane the driver is in and where you are going, always tell the driver that we would be better off in the next lane.

Point to the left and tell the driver to make a right.

Point to the right and tell the driver to make a left.

When at a traffic light, inform the driver the millisecond the light turns green.

When being picked up as a passenger, bring a messy powdered sugar donut and a large uncovered cup of coffee. Then, complain whenever the driver hits a bump in the road.

When directing the driver to make a left turn, tell him to make a "You-turn". When directing the driver to make right turn, tell him to make a "Me-turn".

When giving directions, tell the driver to turn after you pass the intersection.

When giving the driver directions, always mean to say one thing and tell the driver another. Then when the driver gets confused and passes a turn, yell.

When in the middle lane in heavy traffic, tell the driver that you really need to be in the right lane. Then when you finally cut another car off to be in the right lane, tell the driver you made a mistake and that this lane is going to end.

When riding with other passengers, always jump in the front passenger seat and yell "Shotgun!"

When traveling straight, tell the driver to get into the left lane. A lane that suddenly becomes a "left-lane-must-turn-left".

Whenever possible, adjust all the dashboard controls, including the radio, heat, and fan.

Whenever the driver parks, get out and inspect whether or not the car is properly parked within the lines.

..Paint your windows.

Boil ice cream.

Join Hell's Angels by mail.

Redecorate your garage.

Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.

Bury your fathers car. Tell your him the dog did it.

Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.

Climb a sidewalk.

Donate your brother's body to science.

Have your cat bronzed.

Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.

Learn to type...with your toes.

Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.

Mow your carpet.

Paint your home...day-glo orange.

Pinstripe your driveway.

Plant a shoe.

Play Houdini with one of your siblings.

Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.

Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.

Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.

Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)

Ride a loaf of bread.

See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.

Speak in acronyms.

Take apart all your major kitchen appliances. Mix and match the parts.

Take your sofa for a walk.

Turn your TV picture tube upside down.

Wax the ceiling.

ppl drive all the time.....now have sum fun'







After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.

Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.

Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.

Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does.

If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.

If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.

If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.

If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass.

If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.

If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.

If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light.

If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.

If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.

If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.

If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.

If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.

Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.

Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.

Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:

"I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"

"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"

"If you can read this, you're too close"

"I'd rather be skiing"

"I brake for no apparent reason"

On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.

Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.

Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.

Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other.

When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING.

When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.

When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.

When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.

When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.

When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.

When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.

When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate.

When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.

Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.

Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.

While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.

While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.

Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.

You always have the right of way.

Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB

While shaking hands get into a heated thumb wrestling match.



Repeat everything your interviewer says, keep going until he or she yells at you. Then ask if you got the job.



Stick a piece of broccoli between your front teeth, smile a lot.



Sometime during the interview, frown and sniff suspiciously, ask the boss if he or she farted.



Pick your nose and wipe contents underneath the lip of your interviewers desk.



Bring in whoopie cushion, set it off, roll your eyes and look at your interviewer with disgust.



In the beginning of the interview pull out a gun and put it on the interviewer’s desk in front of you, then say, "Mind if I rest this here during the interview?"



Demand that if hired you want desk plate that reads, "Big Kahuna."



As you follow your interviewer to his or her office kick out their heels so that they trip and fall on their face, laugh uncontrollably.



Show up in your jogging outfit, run in place during the entire interview.



Bathroom excuse #1: Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, as you walk out the door make a loud fart noise with your mouth then sigh and say, "DARN!"



Bathroom excuse #2: Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back with the entire front of your pants wet.



Ask for a company Porsche.



Comment on how much you like your interviewer’s spouse’s picture, then take it and put it in your briefcase.



Some time during the interview slip some chiclets in your mouth, then sneeze as loud as you can launching entire contents in your mouth in his or her face, cover your mouth and say, "I sink I loth by theeth."



As you reach inside your briefcase pull out a sock puppet, introduce him as "Socko" and harass your interviewer with it.



During the interview reach over and grab at your interviewer’s face and say, "Got your nose" while clenching your fist, demand that you get hired or you won’t give back their nose.



Chew tobacco, spit in pencil holder.



Announce that you are committing a hostile take over of the company, fire your interviewer.



At the end of the interview end it with a three stooges eye jab followed by a smack to the forehead finish it off with a, "woo-woo-woo-woooooo....!"

Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

Hit strangers with your flutter board.

Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....".

Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

Swim near a stranger and say, "Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.".

Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say, "HA-HA, fooled you!".

Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.

Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say, "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

Hit strangers with your wet towel.

Throw people's things into the pool.

Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.

Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately

• Specify that this order is "To Go".

• Drive through the drive in backwards and let your rear seat passenger make the order.

• At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast.

• When Ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it.

• Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

• Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order.

• Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "Would you like fries with your order?"

• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off.

• Tell them you have to use the bathroom - Don't Order anything.

• Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets - Thats all.

• Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare and say " I know what you did to my food ! ".

• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it.

Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

• When they come on the intercom, say "Sorry, I'm not here at the moment, please leave me a message".

• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

• Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

• After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

• Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

• Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

• Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

• In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

• When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage and ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

• Drive through with a car load of naked people.

• Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

• Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

• Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

• Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

• If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe."

• All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you

Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

ok.....we all get pulled over by police here's how to annoy the





Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me!

Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I find my license?

I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer.

You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No doughnut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "Cops?"

Wow, you look like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet you I can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

So, you on the take, or what?

Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

I pay your salary.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.

So uh, you on the take or what?

Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand.

You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

Ok...the pizza guy......time to annoy u





Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetter’s Camp, right?"

Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa

After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Answer their questions with questions.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

Ask for chips/fries with everything!

Ask for extra homo-sapien

Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over $30.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese.

Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity.

Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.

Ask to see a menu.

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

backwards pizza your order

Be vague in your order.

Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

Engage in some serious swapping.

Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up

Haggle.

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to deliver with their pizza truck.

Imitate the order taker's voice.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year.

Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave!

Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g. pp instead of double pepperoni).

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Order a one-inch pizza.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Order a steamed pizza.

Order one with ants.

Order term life insurance.

Order the most expensive pizza and have it sent to your boss!

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader)

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

Order your pizza, singing in falseto!

Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little.

Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

Play a sitar in the background.

Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong # say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to panic and yell “IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW” and hang up.

Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering.

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Put them on hold.

Quote Carl Sandberg.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Rent a pizza.

Repeat every third third word twice

Report a petty theft to the order taker.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Say your order as fast as humanly possible.

Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.

Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up!

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"

Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

St-tt-t-utter, b-b-bb-badly

Stutter on the letter "p."

Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Try to talk while drinking something.

Use CB lingo where applicable.

Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

When ordering a pizza, burst out in tears every 2 minutes

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"

When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Cheer and clap loudly every time someoe brekas the silence w/ a bodily function noise.

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

Fill a balloon w/ creamed corn. Rush into the stall w/ your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peekaboo!"

Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could

you kick that back over here please?"

I feel like I really can't be my self any more......I feel hatred torward ppl now..... I feel...just; reallly I dunno..........I wanna be able to be "me" but; when I try to be me ppl run there mouths starting shi* w/ me.......I've thought alot about... life on the other side of this damn place, and i wonder, is heaven as close to me as I wish i could be to it?



My whole life I pondered the thought of "What role do I play in this game?" And I never really found out what it is...........My part in this fuc*ed up game seems...so distant to me :( i feel like.... I just wanna die........But; i know i don't want to cuz.... of the good friends I have the family which loves me (20% of the time -lol-). But; i crave the feeling of freedom......I crave the thought of being able to hold my love tight in my arms........I crave what I can never have.....I'ma close to the edge about to F

A

L

L and neve be able to be free .........................