The list...21:56 May 14 2009
Times Read: 1,383
I know some people here will say I’m jaded by my past experiences, however I feel the need to add in a rebuttal on the list BlackHeresy posted in his journal on “50 Things A Woman Would Tell Any Man.” Take my opinion for what you will and understand this is not directed at any one woman in particular… it’s a collective of experiences from my past realtionships which directs how I would respond to these if those partners told me these things...
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
And I have to ask, why? Should I not love you during those times? If I say “I love you” at random, do the times noted above still not count? I don’t get it. I love to hear my partner say “I love you” during those times…
2. Real men drive stick shift.
Ok, I do. But I think it’s a skill all men and women should have. It can come in handy when you least expect it. However I won’t hold it against a person if they don’t know how to do this…
3. I will leave if you lie.
What about her lies? We all lie every day. This holds no weight with me. If you feel the need to say this, it’s probably best if you leave now.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
I’m probably not. Not all men are. I’ll find some baggier clothes that you do like me in until I have the physique to actually look good in these.
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
If you did that every month, be prepared for your man to stop caring, drink a lot, or find excuses to be anywhere but near you regularly.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
Not all women like this. Expressing that you do is a good thing. Getting angry at him for doing it pushes him away. He has to be able to do some of things he wants to as well.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
I’m sure there are a lot of descriptors that can be used but sometimes fine is what he means. Accept “fine” for what it is and be happy with it or try again later.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
I don’t mind if you do fantasize about other men. Until you start stalking or sleeping with one of them, I’m ok with it.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
Ditto for my mother or father. Hence I take the lessons I’ve learned and make different choices than they did.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
Ditto for me. So don’t get mad at me for not doing it if you’re not either.
11. I expect you to call me.
I do call. Are you specifying how often? What is too often? Too open ended and not specific. Let me know when you’re ready to actually give me details.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
Yeah… because that’s just part of every man’s regular wardrobe…
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
Then go out with your friends once in a while and don’t bitch when I do the same. Otherwise, cry to King George about it.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
And probably less appreciative of me than you should be. Find the balance.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
That requires you to not be mad at me for every little thing I do wrong and actually want intimacy. Remember the Chinese Proverb, “The woman who keeps sending her man to the dog house soon finds him in a cat house.”
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
Yeah… because passive-aggressive behavior and head games are fun for everyone…
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm . . . a.) . . . having a fat day. b.) . . . not feeling "connected" to you. c.) . . . blackmailing you to get something I want.
With the frequency you do have sex with me, I would expect this list on its own to exceed 50 items…
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
No, shoes determine if you care more about fashion or comfort. Wearing 4-inch spike heels to walk and/or run endlessly through an airport or trudge across 15 soccer fields to get to your kid’s game isn’t fashionable, it’s retarded.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Cheesy ‘80s music isn’t Chinese water torture… and unless your deaf, you’re just torturing yourself too.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
I’ve tried saying nothing… apparently that’s not the right response either (see items 14 - 17.)
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
A woman I do this for shows appreciation for it when I do. If you stop, so do these special things.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
Of course – hoods are to keep you warm. Duh.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
I wish that went both ways… whether you can admit it or not, sometimes I am right.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
Umm… or you can come cook it with me. Not like I sent you home at 2am, I was pretty nice to you last night too.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
Let me at them more often and they’ll get that. (See items 14 - 17.)
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
That isn’t a guarantee. Shall I keep a running calendar of the times when the answer was no?
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
I don’t know everything. Neither do you. It goes both ways.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
Taking the lead I would often have to tell you want to do. This is in conflict with item 23. Which one should remove to shorten this list?
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
I already wear a lot of green, but I do have blue and red shirts in my wardrobe too. Who has red eyes, besides maybe Satan or Keith Richards?
30. I want to be Madonna.
So does your brother-in-law. We can’t always get what we want.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
If any man NEEDS to be told to wash their hands before sex they really should stop attempting to have sex… with anyone. Really.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
Ditto, so when I take your hand it helps when you don’t pull it away.
33. You're sexy when you're: shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
You’re sexy when you’re working out, or vacuuming, or all dirty from gardening or when you just wake up in the morning… however, when I tell you this you respond like I just told you to brush your teeth because your breath stinks.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
I do tell you. If I tell you any more often it will become trite and meaningless. Accept the fact that I do feel this way even if I’m not verbalizing it. Like when I glance up and you and smile or watch your hands while you’re working on something… I’m feeling that way about you. You notice these things – put two and two together once in a while.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
No, gifts are material things. If you love me, more loving should be a result of my dedication and commitment to you and you wanting to give me that part of you. I work, I support you, I kill myself to do it some days… us eating, living in a warm house… are more important. Showing me some appreciation for this without holding the lack of spontaneous gifts against me would be nice.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you—and for you to recognize this.
Ditto. Please see item 14.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking . . .
Ditto. See item 17.
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
Really? Would you be that jealous over my past? What about my past (or your past) can you change? I don’t care about your ex’s… if that relationship was working for you they wouldn’t be ex’s and we wouldn’t be together. Same for my ex’s. But if we can’t speak of our past experiences and the people we’ve known, aren’t we limiting what we can learn about each other?
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
So… the next time we’re having dinner with your parents and I’m thinking “Gawd I sure hope she gives me a blow-job in the car on the way home….”
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
We can celebrate anything you want – just don’t expect material gifts all the time. I only expect your love and passion. Why isn’t mine good enough for you?
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
Ditto. See item 33. Respond appropriately when I tell you this.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
It helps if you don’t get angry anytime I speak to another woman. Maybe I would still have gal pals…
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
Lovers should always greet each other with kisses. You can initiate this on occasion too. It’s allowed.
44. I like porn.
Ditto. Feel free to put some in anytime you feel like it. If you’re not going to then quit complaining when I watch it alone. See item 17.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
Ditto. Stop getting mad when I do this to you.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
Ditto. Again, feel free anytime, it goes both ways.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read . . .
That’s vague and restrictive… and you have a history of getting mad even at things I normally wouldn’t care if you saw, heard or read. So really, how do I feel comfortable telling you anything? And please review item 37.
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
Ditto. And again… review item 37.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
Selectively, only when it is to your advantage. We’ve had these discussions already.
50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.
That’s the biggest bull hockey line in this ridiculous list. I’m not a mind reader; neither are you. If we don’t communicate this isn’t going to last long.
But considering the rest of the list, that might be for the best anyway.
COMMENTS
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Morrigon
18:34 May 28 2009
I think that first customer service girl got nervous because she heard me whisper "Do you want me to kill her?" To you from across the desk.
birra
18:37 May 28 2009
Yes... but I said "Not yet..."
That should have calmed her nerves.
BleedingMassacre
09:47 May 29 2009
Hmm seem like you scared the poor girl to death.......