The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

weird day as I am taken back in time through memories of death. Sad as it is I used to lay in bed at night and envision my own death and how it would effect people they would no doubt be sad but every time I would see it the tears were always fake. I never felt loved because for people to be able to love me at that time meant they had to ignore me and hope the rip current would pass that was my possession from an outside something making me feel angery sad hopeless and act out of control. I have since started to understand why I would see that stuff. Can't have a happy emotion to feed from it's like giving them oil rather then water. but I have since then (my self deliverance) found that I can control what they make or try to make me feel or do and it now is very similar to water off a ducks back. I have embraced my self and love what I find instead of fear it and I have figured out that while I may be foresaken from my family I have a different family I chose they love my gifts and use them often to help me fine tune myself they didn't tell me it wasn't real or made up they didn'[t want me to be schizo while my other family is more then happy with that thought. but what the kicker really is is that I am in fact adopted so I wasn't loved by my birth mother (in a physical sense how could she know they would hate my ass after adopting me) and I was adopted into a family that got there golden boy but realised he was a shit head so they got me to balance it all out, so what did that mean for a girl like me growing up well my stuff was his to ruin (as brothers are want to do) I was always told to go play with him though his form of play was to hurt me till there was blood or I gave him the reaction he wanted and then screamed at by my parents for playing with him (yeah cuz that is so not confusing right?) he did things to me that I can not even utter but have realised that was what set me up to fall as hard as I did. my adopted mother hated me because she couldn't have me herself and knew one day I would actually be able to have kids (cancer took all her female inside bits :( ) so I dealt with that and a father who wanted a golden boy but got a pretty boy instead though his tomboy daughter could do anything he could but better to make him smile only got me in mental hot water with daddy issues. So in short I wasn't wanted by my first Mom even less wanted but needed by my second one and treated like the punching bag by the rest of my cousins classmates and adults and when I would fight back get the shit kicked out of me and reminded when they say jump I say how high even now as an adult they do this to me and tell me I deserve it. Maybe I do but let me ask you this, will you tell your kids always to go play ELSE where any where but far away from YOU as YOU are always a too busy mom and then beat them with a spoon or what could be found when after 4 hours of being alone they somehow get into something they weren't supposed to? Yeah that was the going rate for me growing up, whats sad is I would "get into stuff" only because my lovely mom forgot I had asked to do it have it what ever and then get grounded for doing it after having persmission. Playing with my toys was usually followed by getting grounded playing with my brother and his friends resulted in bloodloss and grounding and yeah the list goes on as to why I am as fucked in the head as I am. then add in the paranormal and my life was fucked from square one and am kinda completely shocked I am as "Normal" as I am anyone else go through this shit would be in an asylum just because of the duality I had experienced in, everything they tell you to do is right then after you have done it it is completely wrong even if you follow their instructions to the letter. the only consolation I have is that I am no longer around my supposed real family so I no longer have to hide drink or constantly try to kill myself to try to make them happy anymore.