The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!



I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!"



Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.



Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

The priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.



Well, one Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.



At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who's got a cock?"



All the men stood up.



"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"



All the women stood up.



"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"



Half the women stood up.



"No, No," he said, "I meant: Has anybody seen MY cock?"



Up stood five nuns, three altar boys, and two priests...



(along with a statue of St. Peter)

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.



The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?"

the father asks the young man.



"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.



"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"



"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."



"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"

asks the father.



"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide

for us."



"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"



"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation

proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist

insists that God will provide.



Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"



The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he

thinks I'm God!"

A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. The nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.



"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"



"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."



"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."



The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."



"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."



Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.



"Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a

fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting

for St. Peter to admit them. While waiting, they wonder if they could

possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask

him.



St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever

asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.



The couple sits waiting for two months and begins to wonder if they

really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it

all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered. "Are we stuck

together forever?"



St. Peter finally returns after yet another month, looking somewhat

bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple. "You can get married in

Heaven."



"Great," says the couple. "But what if things don't work out? Could we

also get a divorce in Heaven?"



St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.



"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.



"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest

up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take me to find a

LAWYER?"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."



The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."



The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS mood swings." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.



The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!



Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!



The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings $20,000.



The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.



Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!



Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"



"That's the trouble," sighed the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.



The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."



"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.



Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.



"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.



Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.



"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

An Atheist and God

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. He said to himself:

What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.



He turned to look.

He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.



He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.



He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,

reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.



The Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."



Time stopped. The bear froze.



The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a booming voice came out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist,

and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.



Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?"



The atheist looked directly into the light,

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now,

but perhaps you could

make the BEAR a Christian?"



"Very well," said the voice.



The light went out.



The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped his right paw,

brought both paws together and lifted his head toward heaven and spoke:



"Lord, bless this food,

which I am about to receive from thy bounty

through Christ our Lord,

Amen."