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BLAH!!!



I think I should purchase a friggin sleigh...lol



I drive just great in the snow, I was a winter baby, however, it's all the other idiots...We live in Michigan...duh, you should be used to this by now....OK, I'm done venting!!

Here's the story on my first name and why I can't stand it.



From the time my father found out my mom was pregnant he had names picked out, if a boy, he was to be a junior, and for a girl, he had Michelle picked out. Everyone in the family knew that my name was going to be Michelle. There were banners made with Michelle on it after my mom went into the hospital and had me.



For some ungodly reason, my mom decides to name me Janice Michelle. I was doomed from the start, I'm kidding, I'm not doomed.



When they brought me home the banner said Michelle, my mom didn't say anything. My mom back then didn't say Boo. She kept quiet. She was a foreigner to America and wanted to fit in. It didn't help that my dad was all military, yeah I'm an Army brat.



Anyway, everyone wanted to start calling me Jan from the very beginning. The only time my mom voiced her opinion, "Her name is Janice Michelle" By the Gods, thanks.



As I got older, I met my parents friends, Jan and Harvey. Oh joy, lol...her name is Janice and my dad swears I wasn't named after her, I hope not. She's as manly as womanly possible. I don't need to elaborate here, I hope. She gives me the heebie geebies.



Then the Brady Bunch reruns came along...ok so in the beginning I actually saw the original airings...lol, I'm that old...and Jan drove me nuts, another reason why I don't like going by my first name. The "MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA" thing still drives me nuts...



I know they seem like silly reasons as to why I don't use my first name often but to me they're good enough reasons, so in closing, I don't care if you want to call me Janice but don't shorten it to Jan, I'll come across as a real bitch...no I won't but I won't like that you called me Jan:P

This morning I get a phone call around 8am, it's my only day where I don't have a class, don't have to do anything just relax and sleep in but no...My mother calls me...gggrrrr...she says to me, "Have you gone online yet?" I took the phone from my ear and looked at it, do I want to yell, no it's my mom, so I said, "mom you do know I was sleeping, right?" She starts in with you can't answer a question with another question...good grief. So I answered her question saying no and then she says to me, "well you need to, I sent you something" Then she said she loved me and good bye...nice!



Upon coming online, I read her note. There was a picture attached. The note read, I bet you like him, don't you? As the picture appeared, the guy had long blonde hair, the bluest of blue eyes, but no I wasn't attracted...LOL Come on, he has blue eyes and blonde hair but nonetheless, I didn't feel anything from that picture.



So I wrote my mom back saying NO not my type..

She writes back saying , Janice Michelle, because she always uses my first name, can't stand it but what are you going to do, the lady carried me for 9 months and named me Janice, yuck...everyone wants to shorten it to Jan but ok I'm getting off topic here...



She proceeds to tell me that she sent him my picture, by the Gods woman what are you thinking...



She says that she thought it would be nice if we talked and got to know each other..



I said in reply to that...Don't you think I like having my independence, do I really need a man in my life? Well not all the time but occasionally, so I gave her that. However, don't I have the right to choose who I want and who I don't...



She called me. She was upset. Then I get the "well I just want you to be happy"



MOM, I'm happy!!



Well this has started off to be a funky morning!!

A line in an Evanescence song and yet it puts a smile on my face because I think of someone I hardly know but love talking with in my own quirky way. He gets my humor, glad someone does:) I can't be serious all the time, oy, that would lead to tears...



It's another blizzardy day here in Michigan. If you want to know where I live, flip your right hand over and I live in about half an inch from the thumb, towards the middle, and depending on how big your hand is;)

Bipolar Disorder..the mental disease that has people totally bugged out by all the horror stories you here on the news, Look, I have Bipolar Disorder, lived with it all my life. It's not that bad really.



The definition of Bipolar Disorder as listed in the American Heritage Dictionary is as follows:

Of or having a disorder marked by alternating episodes of mania and depression.



OK so when I'm high, I'm really high and when I'm low, I'm downright rock bottom. There is no in between. That's where medication comes in. Finding the right medication may take some time, not to mention a good psychiatrist(if there is such a thing) and a good therapist. What medications work for me, may not work for another person with Bipolar.



What it's like having it, I used to think it was the worst thing in the world. I would fly off the handle, not kidding here. Anything would trigger me and set me off into a raging lunatic screaming profanity. Not Cool!! I knew I was doing it but it was uncontrollable. Then there's the mania, DO NOT LE T ME SPEND MONEY, hence no gambling, no lottery, nothing in that manner at all, no impulse buying...stick to the budget, very hard to do when money spending is one of your manias. Another mania, and yeah, it's why I mention succubi quite often, sex is a mania for bipolar people. We have a higher sex drive!! Go Figure, hahahaha. If you think I'm kidding, ask my ex, he will tell you. Bipolars have a high rate of extramarital affairs and that scares me. I never cheated, just making that clear here. I fought that and nipped that bug in the butt right away. It was there, the feeling to do so but never acted on it, that's not why we divorced. It could be that my bipolar disorder had something to do with it though. I was a nightmare to live with. When in the mania state, the mind races and insomnia sets in. It's like my brain doesn't ever want to shut down. It constantly keeps going like the energizer bunny and that is when I get creative. I write, write, write. Yes I'm in my mania!!



The downside to bipolar, the depression. OY, where do I start here, when I was a teen, I tried to kill myself, not a great thing to do. Actually quite stupid, like suicide is the only way out, IT ISN'T!! Depression for anyone is hard to swallow and sometimes having someone to talk to helps immensely. I always make sure I keep my appointments and stay on my meds, I hate this phase and so that my depression is limited, I surround myself with positive influences.



So now you know a little more about me, I don't hide what I am, I never will.



I strongly believe that knowledge is power and if I can help someone along the way, that is very rewarding. I am here!!



~Z~

It's been a couple of days since I last wrote in my journal...this is good therapy.



I'm in physical therapy for my neck and this morning I woke up feeling great and 2 hours after therapy my neck hurts, what is up with that? Therapy is supposed to help you not make it worse:/

My cousin has therapy at the same time so we chit chat to help us get through the crap. It's not crap, it's actually great exercise and it's cool to talk to her and catch up on stuff.



I told her I wanted to start dating again and she was like "hey I got this friend" I started laughing. Usually those dates end up being disastrous but I told her what the heck. So this Saturday, I'm heading to her house to meet this guy. I'm not getting all worked up here...:)

Bas is a friend of mine. We've been talking off and on. Last night he decided he wanted to meet me in person. I figured after almost 2 yrs, yeah we could meet.



I met him at the cafe by my house. We must have talked for what seemed like forever, then just like that, he's got this growl going on. I looked at him and just started laughing. He says to me, "yeah, I tend to do that" Interesting.



We talked some more and I decided to invite him over. Look we're adults, I'm single and well, you know. So he's at my house and that "growl" shows up again. I finally asked him about it. He said he had a half wolf, half malamute as a pet. He said they were like one and that he thinks he has wolf like tendencies. No kidding...lol!!



Apparently, when he gets aroused, he growls or howls. Just thought I'd write this in my journal so I don't forget. Lately, I'm coming to understand the wolf, be it by my friends on here or Bas. I find that I like wolves as well as vampiric men. There's a pattern here, haven't figured that out yet but those that know me know that's how I think. Things happen for a reason. I was brought to this site to continue my journey. This I'm fully aware of. I've been blessed with so many things just from this site that I had no clue to and I've made some really good friends on here and yeah I've had my share of finding certain ones very attractive or for a lack of a better term, drawn to, even if I shouldn't be...lol.. I shouldn't be, I need to repeat that 3 times, an in ye harm none, so mote be...BELIEVE THE WORDS Z!! Sorry went off track there.

I have found this site to be fulfilling on so many levels. For one that usually keeps certain emotions bound up inside, I am finding that this journal section let's me be me. I can express myself freely and that is such great therapy. A lot goes on in my mind and sometimes the best way to organize it is to write about it.

There is this woman that I know of, I say know of because I actually do not know her personally but I've seen her at the gym. Every chance this woman gets, she has to say something negative about me. This has been going on for the last year. It took me a year to finally get pissed, lol.



Being that this is my last week, and it doesn't matter, I confronted her this morning. I asked her what her problem was with me. She just stood there dumbfounded as if she didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. Give me a fucking break. She looked at me and said she didn't have a problem with me. I didn't back down. I wanted to know what it was about me she didn't like. I am like that. I want to know because I have no clue as to why she would say the things she has said. Well, she finally said to me that she just doesn't like me. I laughed and said, you don't even know me, but ok, you can go about not liking me but refrain from saying things about me that you have no clue of. I walked away and heard her call me a bitch...NICE!! :)



My point here is people are so quick to jump to conclusions about a person without really knowing them, a major pet peeve of mine. They are so quick to backstab and manipulate and get people to think the same way.



I do not think that the Higher Beings, whatever religion you practice, had this in mind when we were created.



To all those that are like this...STOP THE FUCKING MADNESS. If you don't like someone fine, don't like them but don't go around saying shit you have no idea about...Yeah I know the people I know aren't going to ever read this but at least I got it off my chest....:)

COMMENTS

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DarvyOWolf
05:20 Mar 31 2014

This is simple enough either she was attracted to You or she felt threatened by You....ie your hotter than she will ever be.....just saying.

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POST COMMENT

"Lose Control"



You don't remember my name.

I don't really care.

Can we play the game your way?

Can I really lose control?



Just once in my life,

I think it'd be nice,

Just to lose control, just once,

With all the pretty flowers in the dust.



Mary had a lamb.

His eyes black as coals.

If we play very quiet, my lamb,

Mary never has to know.



Just once in my life,

I think it'd be nice,

Just to lose control, just once.



If I cut you down to a thing I can use,

I fear there will be nothing good left of you.



by Evanescence

My New Year's resolution should have been to reevaluate my adorations and with whom I adore. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to adore someone from afar, it's just, well, pointless. Yet I continue, must really like the punishment...lol...Those that have gotten to know me are probably chuckling. Good!! I'm having a good laugh at myself also...Sergei Fedorov doesn't really deserve my adoration but hmm, he has it...the list continues, however, I won't delve into my mindless blunderings of the heart...I like who I like, that's just the way I am...even if I get nothing in return:) And so comes my song...great!! Adding to the laughter.



I am not feeling sorry for myself, this is just an outlet and what I am thinking at the time, do not pity me, I'm actually happy. Live and learn.



Veritas Lux Mae or C'est la vie is another good one!



~Z~

For those of you who read this and have teenagers, I feel for you as well.



My son proceeds to tell me that he has a wrestling meet on Saturday, this was last week mind you, and that he wanted to stay the night at a friend's house and go to the meet with him so that he had a ride because I had to work. I told him it was ok, well come to find out, he didn't go to the meet at all. His lazy ass stayed up all night at his friend's house and they both slept in...GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! He said he was up at 2pm and didn't call me until 5:45. So I proceeded to ask him where he was and what took him so long to call me, He kept saying Mom, mom, mom in his German accent. I was so pissed off. He came home and actually had to audacity to ask if he could go out. I told him he was grounded and he couldn't believe it.

I looked at him and said, "Marcus, don't you think I should be mad, I mean if you were the dad and I was the one staying over a friend's house and then miss my sport, don't you think you'd be pissed?" He looked at me and said "Yeah mom I would only because you're a girl" Hahahahahaha I started laughing and it eased the tension between us and then he decided that yeah I was right. So he stayed home and all was fine, but it doesn't make it right. He's not really my son, he's an exchange student and so I have a hard time punishing him when I know he should be...I'm such a softy!!

When you hear a song you like, does it remind you of someone?



There are a few songs that do this to me...there are also songs that get me excited and want to dance around the room...



Some songs make me reflect on my passing youth, yeah I know my youth is gone. I'm actually ok with that. I think with my age came more wisdom, more beauty on the inside, and more confidence. With that said, there are times that I feel like a school girl liking her first boy or even attending my first concert...it's silly how songs key into certain aspects of my life but they do.



For instance, I hear the Scorpions and I remember having a crush on Matthias Jabs. I hear them and I want to dance and get wild and crazy. Then there's Hinder, I hear them and all sorts of emotions surge through me. They have this song called Better Than Me, I hear that and it brings tears to my eyes because the first guy I actually had a relationship with said those words to me as he got on a bus and went on a tour, yeah he was a musician. I also like the song By The Way. Oh hell, the whole cd is cool!!



It's really cool that my kids like the same music as I do. I couldn't stand my parents music. Good goddess, they liked country and the 50's stuff and of course German beer drinking songs but hearing day in and day out, no wonder I am the way I am...I'm kidding, I had a great childhood.



There is a song by Evanescence that makes me think of someone that I'd like to get to know. Yeah, you should have known I was getting to that..hahahahaha. Good Enough is for you, you know who you are!! Here are the words...



"Good Enough"



Under your spell again.

I can't say no to you.

Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.

I can't say no to you.



Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly.

Now I can't let go of this dream.

I can't breathe but I feel...



Good enough,

I feel good enough for you.



Drink up sweet decadence.

I can't say no to you,

And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.

I can't say no to you.



Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.

Now I can't let go of this dream.

Can't believe that I feel...



Good enough,

I feel good enough.

It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.



And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.

Pour real life down on me.

'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.

Am I good enough for you to love me too?



So take care what you ask of me,

'cause I can't say no.

I love hockey, any one who knows me knows this. I watch the Blue Jackets because of Sergei Fedorov, well that's why I first started watching them but they grew on me. I watched the Ducks while Fedorov was on that team also and let's not forget the team that drafted him, the Red Wings.



Over the years I watched Sergei mature into a fine player. He could have been a great player but I believe his heart got in the way of his game. Anna Kournikova...hmmm....enough said, let's move on...lol



He's my obsession, yes I can admit that, if it has Fedorov, I probably own it...lol



Not really sure why I find him attractive but I do. It could be that he's Russian, has blue eyes, I actually got to look into those baby blues, oy, let's not delve into that, I wrote a poem about it called Eyes, I'll post that in my poetry section.



He's amazing and always will be but I have a feeling that because things haven't been going too well for him in recent years, he may retire and then I'm left with a heavy heart. I won't be obsessed over another hockey player the way I am with Fedorov. Just don't see it happening. I just hope that he plays a few more years...I can wish, can't I?

I hate when I have typos so if you read any of my journal entries or even my profile, please feel free to drop me a note and say, hey Z wtf is up with the typo...*laughing* ggggggrrrrrrrrr



Sometimes my brain works faster than my fingers

Yes I'm addicted to the blue dude but I've slacked all week. Yes I've slacked, I admit it. I got busy with other things online and with everything that goes on with my private life. Sometimes life sucks and then you turn to your friends for support and life picks up again:)



On with the favor earning:)

The first one comes to me of when Gomer Pyle was on tv. I watched that show with my dad all the time. My dad was in the Army and my uncles too. We had went to Fort Knox, Kentucky to see my uncle graduate from boot camp. I must have been about 5, anyway, we get to the base and I was so overwhelmed. I looked up at my mom and said "LOOK AT ALL THE GOMERS" How funny is that...



More childhood memories



My mom was in college and writing an essay on human behavior or something like that for her pyschology class. My brother had seen the ROLAIDS commercial, if you're around my age, you may remember, it was the one that goes, " how do you spell relief, R O L A I D S" Anyway, my brother goes up to my mom and says something to the affect of "mom I know how to spell relief" My mom says "ok let's hear it"

My brother continues "it's ROLAIDS" So hilarious and yet so true as to how commercials reach young kids...



Another memory of my brother....I have many but here's a good one.

My brother used to run around the house saying GOYA GOYA GOYA, what the hell is a GOYA anyway? I know now that Goya was an artist but that's not what GOYA was to my brother. We had been outside one day and a motorcycle went by, my brother started screaming, GOYA GOYA GOYA. Goya to my brother was a motorcycle....how he got goya out of motorcycle is something to this day I can't figure out...



Here's one about me...

Every morning my mom would make some toast, coffee, and have her cigarette. This was routine. One morning I said to my mom, "Why do you like Vickers?" She asked "What?" I pointed to her cigarette and said, "Vickers" Vickers to me were cigarettes, still pondering on that one...



Another memory that I'm actually very fond of and like to think about it from time to time is when I was 6 my parents took us to this ship that was docked in Bay City, Michigan. It was a Soviet ship. I remember being afraid because they were Russians and we were taught that Russians are bad, lol, I'm part Russian, hahahaha, that still makes me laugh. Anyway, we get to the ship, remember now I'm 6, so in all actuality, the ship probably wasn't as big but at 6, it was freaking HUGE. I remember the dress I wore down to the t and the damn little red shoes, "Toto, we're not in Kansas any more", you get the picture. We climb up this ladder to get to the ship, we get on board and I was so amazed. I'm so outgoing, even as a child and this was no exception. I went up to one of the soldiers, at least to me at 6 they were soldiers, I'm sure they were just ship hands or mates, whatever you call them, I'm not really sure, anyway, I started talking to him. He gave me chocolates and gave my mom a pack of Russian "VICKERS" I thought that was so cool. My mom still has the pack of smokes and the wrappers to the chocolates. It was a great time when I was a kid and that day was one of the best I had.

How the heck does one know they're in love? Is it like the commercial, and for those that are around my age, you'll get it, the woman is drinking something then goes back and smacks herself in the head and goes "I could have had a V-8" that kind of feeling where you go "wow I'm in love with this person" I have never felt this and sad but true I was married for 11 yrs, I know I'm partially to blame for my marriage falling apart but really I never had the feeling of being in love, I loved him but wasn't in love with him...



My friends talk all the time about how they're in love with so and so and then 3 months later, they're in love with another guy. I think they're just fickle and can't distinguish between raw passion and lustful desires, they mistake it for love. Blah!! WAKE UP!!





I had mentioned the V-8 commercial because that's what came to my mind. I really can picture my one friend smacking her forehead and declaring her undying love for mr flavor of the next few weeks...it's funny, I mean I'm writing about it but sad at the same time because in the end she's not in love, it was just great sex!! Then she goes to the next guy and so the viscious cycle continues...



I have talked to her numerous times about her behavior but I guess she needs to find out on her own. She wants so much to be in love, to be married, and so on...OY, been married, not my thing. Sure I wouldn't mind having a certain someone in my life but we wouldn't have to have a piece of paper staking our love for each other, that's to say I'd find someone that I fell in love with. I don't count that out. I just haven't felt that and not sure what all the hubbub about love is.



I can separate love from lust easily. I feel lustful all the time. Let me give you an example, I had been dating this guy and we both had an agreement so to speak. We weren't in love, but the sex was awesome. I grew fond of him as he did me but there just wasn't enough chemistry or whatever you call it there, we did continue to have sex for 3 more years but then we went our separate ways. That wasn't love that was just acting out our desires. It was awesome and I miss him, he really understood me and I him.



Now comes the next part of things I ponder on. Crushes...lol...even saying the word makes me laugh and yet I have one. It's a crush, it's not love. I find someone attractive and he amuses me and sure I'd like to get to know him better if he chooses to let me but that's just it, taking things slow is good, right? It's very difficult for a person like myself to not be seductive and full of temptation, it's driving me crazy actually, but I am what I am and the lil she devil is sitting on my shoulder going tempt him, woo him, seduce him...it's like Darth Vader tempting Luke Skywalker to join the dark side, the battle ensues and well you know the story to that...it's a battle but one I'm willing to take on and have and it's hard because I'm not used to a guy wanting to take things slow, it's nice and I like it and hopefully we can be good friends. You noticed I said friends, did you think I meant anything else? Hahahahahaha, you need to get to know me. I don't give my heart to anyone. I haven't found the right person to have such privilege. It's guarded well, you may say what you like but it's true. Yes I've been hurt but not because I was in love, never really think I ever was really. Giving someone your trust and then they take it for granted is like breaking someone's heart. I've trusted and got burned. A lesson learned and remembered, so if you want to get to know me, we shall take it slow. :)

Listening to that song by Hinder at the moment.

Makes me reflect on certain things in my life that went wrong, but enough about that.



I start another year of school on the 8th, my last year, about time. I do my clinicals this year after this semester. I will be working in a hospital and already know some of the staff because I was their trainer at the place I work, or worked. I put my two weeks notice in and my boss even interviewed someone for my job but then she called me up and begged me to not quit. I told her I would think about it. I have to let her know tomorrow.

School is more important to me but maybe if I cut my hours at work, I can do both...



I'll write some more jibberish later on!!

I believe that genealogy plays a key role in finding out, not only who we came from or where, but why we have adopted certain beliefs and practices.



For instance, I am drawn to vampires and the occult. My heritage is a mixture of German, Russian, Scottish, and English, although I am an American.



The Celtics have been traced back to my mother’s German village and although they migrated, I believe that I do have Celtic blood in me although I have no proof to back up my theories.



When Hitler reigned, my family had to trace their family’s genealogy back six generations to prove no Jews existed within. Both of my grandparents’ families did this, with traces back to the Black Knights of the Black Forest.



Within my family is a Bible. In this family Bible that dates back to before the 1700’s, are recollections of everything that happened within that side of my family, from births, deaths, marriages, baptisms, who owed them money and how much, dowries, etcetera. I have written my family to find out if anything in the Bible pertains to witches and the occult. I have not yet heard from them.



The Russian part of my family is very hard to trace due to the loss of important documents because of the rise and fall of Communism in that country. I believe that many of my ancestors perished in the gulags (Russian prisons/labor camps), because of being Volga Germans.

Volga Germans were one of the races of people singled out by Josef Stalin to be forced to the gulags to work. The Volga Germans were not the only ones forced to go there. Many Poles, Czechs, Hungarians, and many that Stalin thought a threat were forced to go. These people built the Siberian Railroad among other things. They were under nourished and had poor living conditions. Women and children were shown no mercy and were forced to work in the gulags as well. Many children died of malnutrition. It baffles me that Stalin is considered a hero while Hitler a madman. I believe Stalin killed more people under his rule then Hitler did. I do not condone what Hitler did. I just believe that both men were horrible and how can people praise such a man for killing so many. For further information on gulags, I suggest looking on the internet. There is much information there, also, Gulag: A History by Anne Applebaum.



I have no way of finding out about my Russian family except for the names of the ones that emigrated to America, including my grandfather but he passed away before I was born so the history he could have given me about my family is lost.



The Scottish part is exciting to me as I am now researching this part. What mysteries will be unlocked is beyond me but I am sure there will be some and I can’t wait to see how they lived. In one document I have found on an ancestor, it states his occupation as a comedian.



Now the English part of my family and the most extensively researched, a professional genealogist has done the research for our big reunion we had when I was about 5 years old. He made a book and I have it. Although it mentions nothing about witches or the occult, it does trace my ancestors back to the Mayflower, one being Richard Warren and the other Edward Winslow, who later became governor of Plymouth. With my ancestors coming over on the Mayflower and being in Massachusetts, it’s highly probable that my ancestors were involved in the Salem Witch trials and the witch hunt itself. I am going to delve deeper into the research I already have and go from there. According to the Mayflower documentary I watched over Thanksgiving, my Mayflower ancestors belonged to a kind of cult church, with their secret meetings and their different views that went against the Church of England and then later they moved to Holland and continued their meetings until eventually going to the new world.



Again, my theory is how genealogy plays a part of who we are and what we believe in and this is an article just to arouse your mind and get you to thinking of how unique each of you are and how important genealogy is to finding out who you are and where you came from and how your family evolved.



For those that seek answers as to why you are the way you are, maybe the answers are hidden within your ancestors.



~Zoraya~