The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A Fairytale Gone Wrong
23:53 Dec 27 2014
Times Read: 246

Have you ever felt like someone shot you through the chest, but missed your heart altogether? It leaves a big hole; wide, gaping, painful hole, leaking out the essence of which you believe was their friendship. 



Have you ever loved someone, but not been allowed to seek the comfort of their arms? Been stuck with someone you could never continue to love after finding the one person you would kill to be with? Ever been trapped by distance? To know that there is someone that you love, who once loved you, but you can no longer reach their heart with your words?



Have you ever fallen in love, realised it was a mistake, but cant leave.. even though you are in love with another person? What if that person told you that they weren't willing to fight for you. Would you be able to stop loving them? If you felt deep down that they were the one person that could heal all the past hurts and pains, if only they were willing, would you be able to ignore that love that you feel when they are not willing to wait? Once they get up and move on, what is left for you to do, but the same?



It is like a sad song, or a story with a misplaced ending. To love someone so much, to still feel for them, after you have moved on with your life, and them with theirs.. it is painful. No, that isn't the right word. It is more than that. More than pain, and torture, and heartbreak. It is worse. It is an unrequited love.



What if, after you have jumped ahead in life, moved past all the friendliness and dived into unknown waters, you surface and see that the one person you wish could return the heart-wrenching love you feel for them is no longer willing to look down river at you wading in the water? You feel lost in a sea of things you no longer trust, or find familiar. 



Them not feeling anything toward you, not showing recognition, not acknowledging your existence.. is this not grounds to stand on to cry? Is this the part where you are supposed to let go? But what if you can't? Even though you know it is the proper thing to do, what if you are not noble enough to do what is right? 



Can you still hold on in silence? Can you endure the pain? Without the willpower to let go.. that is all you can do, unfortunately. Watch from a distance as someone else, lives out the life you want, with the person you will always love. Sit by and allow yourself to be ignored, for their happiness and bliss. 



Try to be happy for them. Sit back and plaster a smile as genuine as you can force onto your face while you blatantly lie about how amazing and beautiful their new love is. Truly tell them you are glad they are happy, but inside cry about how you wish it was with you instead. 



Never let those words slip out. Or all ties will be severed. Never tell that person what it is you truly feel.. how desperately you wish it was you they were holding. Never again let them know how easy it is for them to hurt you. For this is what love truly is. Allowing yourself to suffer for the person you would die for, just to see them happy.



< / 3



Amazing what mere mortals will put themselves through in the name of "love".



November 25 2009

The Stranger
23:47 Dec 27 2014
Times Read: 247




Today a man sat down by me on the city bus. I was sitting in the first front facing seat, and he sat directly in front of me in the side facing seat. We were close enough his knee was practically touching mine, and I could smell him. He smelled spicy. He was a head taller than me slouched, with me sitting up perfectly straight. His hair was medium brown, thin but not really thin. Too thick to be thin, but not thick enough to be called thick. It draped down his back and front halfway down his stomach. With no bangs to hide his eyes, they appeared black. Whether it was because of his pupils, or his eyes really were that dark, I didn't stare long enough to find out. I felt conspicuous enough looking at him from top to bottom. His face was hidden by scruff just long enough to be called a beard, and it was the exact shade as his hair. He had a short mustache that travelled all the way around his mouth to become entangled with his beard, but it was hardly noticeable due to his other features. His nose looked as if had been carved right from a model guide. Perfectly straight and just the right length. I stared at him, admiring his features, before I realised I was actually staring and had to turn away. He was beautiful. When I chanced looking back at him, he hardly seemed to notice I was there, which was fine by me. That meant I could stare some more. Maybe he knew I was staring at him. Maybe he didn't want to interrupt me. Maybe he didn't care. I moved my gaze downward, noticing his slight slouching to try to make himself look smaller than what he was. I noticed how he kept his eyes averted, attempting to direct his gaze at nothing in particular to avoid drawing attention to himself. I continued my assessment of him starting with his clothes. He had a black shirt, though I couldn't tell what kind from the angle I was situated at, and he kept his arms in front of him, closing his jacket just enough to touch the sides of the front together. It was a leather jacket. Black, like his shirt and eyes. It had silver snaps and straps of leather on the front that were undone. Had they been done up, there would have been six, three on each side. The silver however, was tarnished. As if it was old, or well-worn. The leather itself also had a look of being well-worn. His pants were jean, black. to match the rest of his attire. They too had a faded look about them, as if they too had been worn longer than the norm. They fit his legs snugly. Not tightly, but close enough you could see the muscles in his lower body hidden by the clothing. At the base of his body, his slightly large feet were covered by a pair of leather boots, the kind that covers a person's ankles. Steel-toed too, from the looks of them, but I wasn't about to ask. They were laced tight, properly, tied with a double bow. I noticed them last, noting the tarnished silver of the holes where the laces were threaded through., and how they looked as scuffed and worn out as the rest of him. The only thing that didn't seem to suit him was his eyes. Sharp, bright, black eyes. Eyes that betrayed how clever this man truly was, and how alert he was to everything surrounding him despite his attempt to blend in. Seemingly preoccupied, I know he noticed everything around him, taking it all in for future reference. I am sure he even noticed the fact that I am pregnant, even though I was sitting down and facing his side, head on. His eyes made the way he dressed out to be a lie. He was not the tired, worn out man he tried to appear to be. His eyes old the truth. Even as preoccupied with studying this man as I was, I could still not ignore the distracting presence of his smell. He was drinking from a Tim Horton's cup, and I knew it was coffee. The raw, strong, rich scent of it lingered to him. He smelled.. weird. I could smell the coffee in his hand, and the leather of his jacket, mingling with the unknown spicy scent. It was musky, but not a fake kind of musky like cologne. It was real. It was HIS scent. The mixture of smells tickled my own senses. My mind raced and my skin felt like there was an electric charge to it. I could feel currents shooting through my blood, electrical impulses winding through my veins. My ears hummed and my spine tingled, as if someone had lightly drawn their fingernail down it. I could feel the thrumming of my pulse and the pounding of my heart against my chest. I was so distracted by him, everything about him, that in those seven or eight minutes of sitting by him I had lost track of my surroundings, and tried to pull the bell that had already been rung for the next stop. Being the clumsy fool I am, I fell twice while reaching for the cord to pull the bell, due to the fact I tried to lean and reach in the middle of a turn. As I rose and left the bus, the whir of activity throughout my body and mind slowed to a silent rate and I reflected on the experience. Now I realise what it is like to be tuned in to your body and have hypersensitive senses. Everything I had experienced, had been elevated simply by his presence. During the brief walk to my brother's apartment I came to a conclusion. HE was the type of person that became a writer's muse, an idea that develops in the back of someone's mind into a grand tale. And some muse he would be, to a future writer, should one be lucky enough to encounter him.



Feb 17 2009

The Music Inside
23:38 Dec 27 2014
Times Read: 252




The music inside my head screams out as it swirls and whorls around and around again. I die with each note that reverberates through my mind. The sheer beauty of it is torture as it plays his melody over and over. Its like a never ending song of lust and lies and empty promises. The longing is there but there is no substance to it, nothing with which to grab hold of and bury myself. If life continues so does the song. But what if it ends? Then the music keeps going. It never stops. The burning sensation of the mind echoes on through the soul. Pining away for what can never be. Too far out of reach you perish before you reach your ultimate destination. Scream aloud, cry out to it. All efforts are in vain. The loneliness tears a gaping hole through what once used to be you. Do you question it? Never. Just know its there and it calls to you and you desire it. Even though you can never reach it. Nor shall you ever fully grasp the concept. Its all about understanding. Something which you do not. Now ask yourself...



Do I doubt myself?



Aug 21 2008

Admittance...
23:36 Dec 27 2014
Times Read: 253




I'm a creature of the night born in the sun unable to follow my heart's desire. The daylight shatters my hope of freedom from the pathetic life I lead in it's glare. My heart flees from the grasp of all familiarity and seeks - to no avail - an escape from the dreary captivity called life. I'm of water and flame; always either, never both. No tears come from within for there are none left to dispel. Hurt, bruised, and beaten,and forever scarred by the love of my life.Seek me out to see the ashes of my being.

Will there ever be another that will rescue me and save me from myself, and this light that haunts me? Can anyone reach me now...? Please come, my saviour. Gather me in your arms and do not hurt me, for I am still strong enough to survive. My eyes are burned by the light as they search for the glory of the dark.

Although my soul cries out, no one shall ever hear it for it is silenced within me by the flames of desire. My strength is limited and my courage, short lived. I will not succumb to the fear within. I will not fall prey to the succubus of light. Search for me, gather my ashes and water them. It is from there I will be reborn...and forever yours.



Mar 16 2007

Frustration and confusion...
23:34 Dec 27 2014
Times Read: 254




...loneliness tears at my heart. To be able to see and touch the one thing I desperately want but not be able to have it shreds all feeling lying inside. I long to have the touch of one's devoted love, to be held in their arms for all eternity...if such a thing exists. Wishing for release from this tragic weight some call love. I now understand why some call it love while others call it insanity, craziness, torture even. My brain screams with the pain I can't seem to overcome. Every time I am near him the pain and pleasure collide creating turmoil inside of me. If only there was a way to run from the feelings in my heart, to hide forever from the confusion that drives me to frustration. These emotions will eventually drive me over the edge. I know. I already stand on the brink of losing my mind. I can feel it. Reality slips away as the dreams slide in and out of focus with what is real. More and more, it becomes harder to distinguish what is real from what isn't. Every time we are together, I slip further and further into my mind, and it takes longer and ever more effort to resurface to the cold harshness of this world. And more and more courage to face the pain and suffer through this fantastic lie called life. I wish I could just sink into my dreams, the fantasies that I can control, and sleep forever in the peaceful bliss of my mind. A place where there is no more pain than I desire, and no persons there to crush my dreams and break my heart, to cage my soul and prevent me from happiness. Eternal calm, happiness, peaceful state of mind and bliss...oh the wonders the mind can create and reproduce again and again. Thank the soul and spirit that one's mind is clever enough to reproduce all the little moments one cherishes, all the times one spends together with a person they love. After all, in the end, all we have left are the memories we have made...



Mar 06 2008

Reflection - Demon's Free Range
23:31 Dec 27 2014
Times Read: 255

I am restless. This I know for sure. I hunger for that which I cannot have. I long for things unreachable to me. For the taste of freedom, of love, of lust, of blood. I need to feel reassurance and he offers it to me. But demon caged, locked inside me. But now its let loose and it wreaks havoc on all near or far to me. Come, help me, save me, I plead to people. But no one hears me crying. No one hears my screams. No one can save me from myself or the monstrous part inside of me, demon me. I thought he had heard and had come to rescue me. Foolish child is what the demon snickered when he left. 'He never needed you, never even wanted you. But I do. So come with me my child. Give in and watch us as we grow together, strong and more dangerous than any other being in existence. I wish I could give in, but I wont. I refuse to let it win me over this time. Not again. Not without a fight. She calls to me in my sleep, whispers my name in my ears, stalks my dreams. She knows I want it but wont let go. She laughs at my insolent ways of living in a world to which I don't belong. I hide behind frail masks, trying to retain her, holding her back, using all my strength and will. She plays with my head, driving me insane. We both know she could break the barriers binding her to me at any moment and be free, loosed upon an unsuspecting fragile world. Just as we both know that is not what she wants most. She wants me, all of me. To give in to her and sacrifice this life to replace with another. She has been with me through many lives, over many years. I know she wont leave me. Ever. Though she's the only one that wont. not no more. He's gone, left, leaving me with nothing to show for it but my pain. I wish he would've stayed, to help me learn to control myself, for I know not how to do so. For so long I've kept this inside...



Mar 26 2007

Alienation...
23:29 Dec 27 2014
Times Read: 256




I feel like I'm part of an entirely different species the last few days. It's incredible how lonely you can feel on your own sometimes. I feel as if my life is not worth a whole lot anymore. There are so many hateful vibes coming my way, and some of them are even from people I was cherished, respected or loved.

It seems as if - although I don't trust easily - each time I take the energy to get to know someone, they always back away once they find the real me...as if I'm some kind of rabid animal ready to lunge for their throats.

I've been told to ignore such humans exist, mais it can be so hard at times...especially when such humans once meant a lot to me. Their opinions once were able to alter my perceptions, but I can't allow that to happen anymore.

Most can not accept me for what and who I am, and such beings are of little importance in the bigger picture. I only hope I can overcome such degradation as association with such..... people.

When said people originally found out my .... abilities, I received many discouraging names ad reputations...freak, weird, psychotic, mental, fake and other such labels.

My only hope now is to somehow find the strength to rise above and prove to myself my continuous superiority.



Feb 01 2007

Blank Canvas (dark thoughts)
23:25 Dec 27 2014
Times Read: 257




I am a blank canvas. White, clean, pure. I need his work to make me a masterpiece, to make me whole. Each bruise he makes will show the colours of my soul; blue, brown, black. Empty, hollow, lonely colours full of wist and loathing. I see the signs. I read him, and know what he wants to do. He wants to make his mark on me to let others know I am his and his alone. Cuts and bruises caused by his hand will be cherished forever in my soul, though they slowly will fade over time on my body. However, each one can be replaced with new ones. Each bruise made bigger. Each cut made deeper. And what of the pain with it? some may ask. My answer, I feel no pain. He is my drug, numbing all things inside of me. I love his touch. So gentle and sweet. Innocent. But I need his lust, his abusive manner, his aggressive side come out to play. I need him to toy with me, carve me as he would a sculpture, colour me with blue for my sorrow, black for my eternal pain, and red for his lust, my life, our love. Colour me as if he was painting a work of art. Carve me then use the red to paint my body. A soft and gentle touch is appreciated, but for him to make me his masterpiece would be cherished forever more. Please, my love, work me up until I can go no further. Then work me more. Put me to the test. Show me you care. Don't just show your love, but prove your lust for me. Tell me and show me just how you want it. I am here only to please, to prove my undying love for you. I need to feel you in me, on me, surrounding me. I long to show you and want you in a way I've wanted no other being on earth, in heaven or hell. Please, come to my room with me. Show me...



Mar 26 2007

Dreams of Life
14:42 Dec 27 2014
Times Read: 273

When I awake an awful longing settles on my chest. Another night passed. Another night full of vivid images. Some would call these nightmares but not me. Everything within the dream realm is real and intense at the moment I'm in it. I'm not even dreaming.. I'm finally living. These scenarios play themselves out and I'm center of the plot. These are the nights I hate to wake come morning.