16:32 Nov 04 2023
Times Read: 296
I have a history, a personal history that I do not share with many, only a few I feel can be trusted to not spread it around like a communicable disease with a 100% infection rate. Certain dates, anniversaries as they were draw near and I tend to close myself in or off. This isn't me wallowing, it is my way of protecting those I care about from me. If you know you are going to be the cause of an illness do you not place yourself in quarantine until it passes? It only makes sense right? There is no point in me spreading my shit to others...adding to their own everyday worries, their own suffering. I fully understand the cause of why and what is happening to me and the cost of sharing it. I won't lie or pretend that people who choose to be close to me have to be made of some sturdy strong stuff because I know I am a lot as is...even in my best moments and certainly more so in my not so best ones.
Here is the crux to this, people who both do and do not know my circumstances, the history of me that follows me and plagues me seem to like to call me out as a bullshit friend when I seclude myself from them. They do not see or understand that perhaps I just need the alone time, that I am trying to keep them safe from the damages I am sure to cause, the absolute havoc I know I am capable of when these anniversaries come around. I can be down right toxic. So many need and want me to be what they want from me and they do see the toll this takes on me...they do not care to see it. I have come to realize most humans tend to be selfishly motivated creatures always thinking of themselves and what they need and want...not caring at the cost that comes with the demands they place on another.
Fact of the matter is, I am not a bullshit friend, I am not a sunny times friend, I am not a rosey garden friend. When I befriend someone I want what is best for them, even if that is not me at any given time or place. I take great care to make sure they know they are safe with me in whatever they feel or need to feel. If they need space, I give them space, if they need to vent, they can vent to me, if they need to just be cranky cooterberries, then by all means, I will join in with them...it would just be nice if they could do the same in return. Understand that I am not always super bubbly and fun and wacky crazy fun...I am just like them...I have my days, my bad weeks, I have moments when I just cannot screw on that smile they demand of me.
To end this on a more positive note just allow me to say, it is okay to not be okay.
Toodles!
COMMENTS
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Cadrewolf2
18:18 Nov 27 2023
Thank you
Vodka
18:21 Nov 27 2023
Anytime! -hugs-
Vampirewitch39
19:42 Nov 27 2023
Damn.... and I was getting ready to hit him in his honor. ;)
Wiolf is 😎.